A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This might generate some flack because this isn't technically a relationship question, but I'm so deep in despair that I don't know where to turn!! Please, pretty please, can you help me?I'm in despair! It's that I have had all these high hopes and dreams for my life, but I can't GET anywhere in life and I'm so afraid that it's going to pass me by. It's making me sick at heart. I long to be an important person and do great things and have a meaningful life. I LONG to be free and to be independent.I can't work, I can't drive and I am stuck at home with my mum all over again and I feel like a loser. I'm 34 years old and I've accomplished nothing, literally nothing with my life. I feel like a pathetic loser, and I feel like a baby. For years, I was a professional TEFL teacher and recently I returned home from Spain because my family and pets needed me and I needed them. Now I'm wondering if I made a mistake. I LOVE them, but I'm trapped in a rut and I'm afraid I ruined my life. I can't drive, I can't work and I have no identity, no income, no independence and I feel worthless because it's like I'm a baby all over again. Worst of all, I have no LIFE, I want one so badly and I CAN'T realize ANY of that! It's hurting me. Sure I have a drivers license, but I don't have a car because my car had to be junked when I was overseas.I live in USA, and for those of you who don't know, it's IMPOSSIBLE to do ANYTHING without a car! Ugghhh, living in a car culture is so annoying! I liked it when I lived in Spain... if I wanted to go to the gym, or go to work or meet friends, I would just walk out my door and go. Here in USA, they make things so hard for people who don't have cars and we're all slaves to our $30,000 tin cans. Sure I have a computer, but I've been putting in for jobs left and right online, and I have found absolutely NOTHING!! It makes me insane. I've put hours into crafting a dazzling resume, and filling out hundreds of applications, and I just don't feel motivated anymore. A few employers have told me to go F myself but most just ignore me. No matter what I do, I don't seem to have any power or be able to change things. I know I would be a great employee, but no one will give me a chance. I have teaching experience, retail experience, restaurant experience. I speak four languages fluently. I paid for a college education and teaching credentials, did everything by the book. On top of all that I'm completely ambidextrous... what more could you want, right? I don't think I'm good with words of expressing myself but I have grammar and punctuation skills, of course, I mean I am a TEFL teacher. I've never been arrested or convicted... for crying out loud, I've never even had a traffic ticket! And I'm just crying out for an employer to give me a chance, but they act like I'm a disease or something! In spite of all that no one wants to hire me. No one thinks I'm good enough to be hired. No one thinks I'm smart enough to be paid to do something.I've become depressed. Every day my mum goes off to work and I just sit in the house and ROT! I do chores and cook to help her out, but every day I get out of bed just to go and apply for jobs I won't get and open up my rejection letters and I am so sick of it I can't stand it. I don't feel motivate anymore and emotional malaise has just sickened my soul.I am writing this after the millionth crying jag this week, because I am so sick of this I can't take it anymore and I can't seem to do anything about it!I keep reading these horror stories of people who have been unemployed for years, and then people are always saying things to bring me down. The other day one of the neighbors implied that I would probably NEVER find a job and my fate would probably be to sit around the house all day forever.I have this nightmarish vision of myself, living on a park bench when I'm 50. I'm so afraid that I'm destined to just sit in the house and ROT for the rest of my life. Or be singing songs in the street for bread crumbs. What is hurting me is that I have always had these high dreams for my life, but now they seem so many millions of miles away that it feels ridiculous and delusional just to dream anymore! It breaks my heart that I dreamed big in life, and now I just sit around the house all day, and one day after another is the same ^^^^^ thing and apparently there's no end in sight.Other people have accomplished so MUCH with their life and every time I look at my Facebook page it's plastered with someone's adorable kids or someone just got a promotion or a cool new job. And I feel like a pathetic, pathetic loser! I'm 34 and I have never done anything, been ANYONE and I have accomplished NOTHING!!What breaks my heart and what is torturing me to insanity is that I had so many dreams and ambitions for my own life, but I feel powerless to make them come true.I always dreamed that I would do something great and important like play in a band, or write a book, or be a veterinarian. I'm beginning to realize that I DO want a family of my own. I know it's selfish but I long to see the world, or have a horse of my own, but I can't even ride horses anymore!! (It used to be my hobby.) I can't go to the gym or even get a coffee when I want to, I can't travel anywhere or even go anywhere with friends. All these high dreams that meant everything and all I can do is sit and rot in the house and it's heart breaking. Those dreams all seem ridiculously unattainable. I mean, I'm 34 years old, a former TEFL teacher, and trapped in poverty. I'm gonna write a bestselling book? That's just laughable. No one from my background ever overcame a rut like THIS!! It's like I have the CAN'T curse on me and I am powerless to change my luck or be an agent of change in my life.My heart was absolutely set on returning to my host country overseas for a visit soon but I won't be able to. I am so sick and tired of living in bondage. I don't care about money for its own sake, or material wealth, but the sad truth is that money means freedom and opportunity and my heart is crying out to be free.I'll never be able to have freedom or dreams because it looks like I'm going to be in financial bondage forever!I'm sitting at my computer and staring out at the mid September North Carolina sky, watching the summer dying and the only thing that keeps me going is my cat is licking my hand and purring (she has food so it's not that) and I think that no matter how much human beings suck, there are always animals. In spite of all that, I'm in despair because I CAN'T get anywhere in life and my heart is breaking for all my dreams that are withering because I'm powerless to change my luck. Thanks so much if you've read this. I am writing this after a massive crying jag this afternoon that opened my eyes to the fact that crying out for help is the only thing I can do. I CAN'T get out of this rut or get anywhere in life! I CAN'T get a job, I CAN'T drive, because I CAN'T get a car, I CAN'T change my luck! I CAN'T get a boyfriend or have a relationship (I'm 34 years old and my desirable years are long gone I guess)!! I CAN'T change my luck and I CAN'T get the life I long for!! It's like I have a disease where I just CAN'T... It's like I have CAN'Tser!And I can't bear to just watch life pass me by while my hands are tied up anymore. I CAN'T stand it. I need help. Thanks if you can help me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2013): Hi Aunts,I'm the OP. I just wanted to say thank you and I want you to know that it REALLY means a lot that you read my letter and took the time to reach out to me. THANK YOU, thank you, THANK YOU!!Confused Chick... I hope you meet the right person soon. You deserve to be happy. Yeah, I volunteer teach Spanish at the local church. I could probably substitute, but not in my district because I have had problems with the administration... I did NOT do anything horrible, like be mean to a kid or molest a kid, it's just I used to sub in my district and there were a lot of discipline problems and I got blamed for alot of things. I've applied for all kinds of jobs, just to get money and not necessarily a ''forever job'' but no luck so far. Thanks for encouraging me though...Aunty Em, thank you for those links and those ideas, I will totally check them out! THis is all uplifting and encouraging, and I want you to know that I feel better because of it, thank you VERY much...
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (15 September 2013):
 http://www.translatorsbase.com/projects.aspx?url_entry=TranslationJobs2&gclid=CNbH8ab5zLkCFeGWtAodW3gA_A
I googled translator jobs online for the USA and lots and lots came up. Have included one link that is for freelance work (paid by piece)
I know you feel like poop and are in a rut but you just need to keep trying, because something will come up.
If you can find some online work, you may be able to save some money to buy a second hand car, which will open up other opportunities for you.
Have you thought about offering english lessons over the internet, using Skype and a paypal account?
I think it's a wonderful thing to be able to speak different languages and it's a skill that never gets old or out dated.
I think you are suffering from a bit of low self esteem and depression, diet, exercise, getting plenty of sleep helps lift your mood, so get out of the house for a walk or a run each day and if things get worse, go see a doctor!
We are in a world recession, there are millions of people suffering and scraping by. You have the blessing of a roof over your head and your family around you. You have to stop looking at how high the mountains are and start focussing on the roads that go around them!
Positive mental attitude is required, start with small goals, look for voluntary work which may lead to job opportunities, take the bus of ask friends to help you with transport until you get a car!!...and most of all... STOP telling yourself you CAN'T, because that will always kill any chances you get for moving foward.
Also stop imagining other people have perfect lives, because you don't know everything and you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.
Tomorrow is a new day, get a grip and start over...because what other choice do you have?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2013): Hi!
Its not the end of the world. There is still so much hope for you. We share almost the same age. But I really don't worry whether i get a husband or not.
Why? because life is not all about getting married.
But I do want to have kids. lots of them.
Minus a husband.
Anyway, this isn't about me, This is about you.
Lets discuss your worries one at a time.
These are your list of worries:
1. I can't drive, 2.I can't work and 3.I have no identity, 4. no income, 5.no independence and I feel worthless because it's like I'm a baby all over again. Worst of all, I have no LIFE, I want one so badly and I CAN'T realize ANY of that! It's hurting me.
Worry
No1. I Can't Drive
How many people in the united states that doesn't have a car but was able to enjoy life? I mean, yeah sure, I agree that having a car is a necessity. Especially, if you have to go places here and there, its really a necessity. But thousands of people was able to survive without a car.
My advise: Acceptance. Learn to accept where your at right now. You might not have the car but there are so many means of transportation. For now just live with it.
Worry
No2. I cant work. Employers has been like rejecting you left and right and people had been giving you unsolicited comments like probably you will never be able to get a job again or it would be really hard for you to get one, etc, etc. Are they God now? that they know what your future will be?
My advise: When someone tells you, that its impossible for you to do something. The more you should be strong and prove to them that they are ALL dead wrong and that you can make it.
Worry
No.3 I have no identity.
Its only normal to feel that way especially that you are in a situation where in your super stress about what's happening in your life, You will really experience that identity crisis every one goes through. No one is exempted, when it comes to that stage. we all have that moments.
But you know what, in my personal opinion, its healthy. Why? You don't have to feel pressure to be OK, because you're not OK. It is perfectly normal,to feel depressed, anxious and distracted during this time—in other words, to be an emotional mess.
It takes time to rethink all the things that may be disrupted by emotional trauma, such as one's living situation, finances, professional goals and—maybe most important—how a person sees him or herself. Just like your situation.
To help yourself get through the process, accept that there is nothing wrong with you, even if your emotions feel overwhelming. Remind yourself that this period will end. Tell your friends and family that while you may not be your typical self for a while, you still need their support and you will recover.
Worry
No4. No income (No Job)
You know I think there is a job available for you. But maybe its not the usual type of job that your used to. But definitely there is a job available.
If your not picky I'm sure you will be hired earlier than expected.
Since you have a computer and use net I guess, why not try to sell some of your clutters. People make money out of it.
So at least your doing something, your making progress.
Or maybe create your own website, and offer service for english tutor. why not try to make your own business online. anything is almost possible online. all you need to do is to be creative.
Worry No 5.
5.no independence and I feel worthless because it's like I'm a baby all over again. Worst of all, I have no LIFE, I want one so badly and I CAN'T realize ANY of that! It's hurting me.
You cant really practice independence if your dependent to someone else financially.
Listen to yourself. your 34, I'm even younger than you. But i don't think the way you think.
You don't have any idea, what i had been through in life.
The reason why i took time and read your sentiments and responded to you is simply because I can relate to your dilemma.
My job right now is so out of line of what I am used to.
But that doesn't matter. Sometimes fate will push you to your limit, testing your faith.
I used to be a boss at work, I have 2 assistants assigned for myself. but my character as a person is not doing well. I have attitude problem. I yelled and i made people's life miserable.
Then something happened to my personal life, that it affects my job and i have to give it up. Little did i know that my next job will be somewhere similar to my assistant's position.
Only this time I'm the one who should listen, understand and a huge amount of patience is needed everyday. Do I like my job? At first Hell NO.
I super hate it, but as the days go by, (because the pay is really worth it.) I have learned to love it by heart.
Its definitely not my dream job to talk to people who have complaints everyday. But God is teaching me something.
My job taught me to value a deeper understanding of other people's situation, to be professional at all times no matter how tough the situation is, to pray for a huge amount of patience, and learn how to be kind, tactful and considerate by heart. because a plastic person can never last to the type of job i have.
It molds my character to become a better person.
I am saying this to you because maybe there is a job available for you, maybe not your dream job but you have to take and try it.
You never know you might learn something from it like i did.
No one can really change your life except for you.
if you hear a good advise, don't just take it lightly. Take it seriously. follow instructions one at a time. before you knew it, your making progress already. Just tell to yourself you can do it. Say it out LOUD. I CAN DO IT & I will make it happen. I am not a loser. I am a champion. I will prove them all wrong about me. I AM GOING TO MAKE MY DREAMS COME TRUE. I will start now.
Good luck.. P.S don't forget to Pray.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (15 September 2013):
Aren't there any friends you have that you can turn to? If you can't get a job and your own life you might as well get back to Spain or get some money for a social life to meet new people. The reality is that you changed your life at an awkward age. It's even worse than changing careers and I feel like you didn't expect things to be this hard.
Part of wanting to have a life or a better one is to have a better mind frame about it and hopefully you realize that your mind is nowhere near that. I know it is really easy to fall into depression spells at this time but you have to do what it takes to get out of it....be it going out, meeting new people, join some social groups and take some chances to talk to new people online. There are always many things to be grateful for even though we have lost so much.
Last year around this time, my country had a major flood in an area. My cousin lost everything and had to start over. Recently, the same thing happened to his home, but this time, his pet dog he had since he was a boy, died in the flood. This dog was there for him even when his parents divorced when he was a kid. My cousin is about 24 years old and I can imagine he couldn't handle the pain and he has been missing since that day. We can't reach his phones nor do we know where he is.
Sometimes, you really have to step back and realize the things you do have instead of what you don't have. Life isn't about playing catch up to everyone else because that will never happen. I'm glad you reached out. Even though realistically there is very little we or myself can do for you, I think many of us do understand your pain. I'm sorry I just don't have any practical career advice for you.
Try to keep your head up...all isn't lost and it's no use giving up now after coming so far.
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A
female
reader, PeachCobbler03 +, writes (15 September 2013):
 You mentioned that you don't have transportation, so have you ever thought of telecommuting? There are many companies nowadays that have that option.If you haven't already, go to Craigslist (or whatever online job site you go to) and type in "telecommute". Now, I will warn you, in advance, that some of the companies want to charge you money to work for them or they're scams. But many of those jobs aren't scams. I've telecommuted since 2008, and it didn't cost me a dime.I would also advise eliminating the word "can't" out of your vocabulary. You say you've never accomplished anything. Oh, yes you have! You paid for a college education, teaching credentials, and worked as a professional TEFL teacher. Obtaining a degree and practicing within that field is an accomplishment.I agree with 1ConfusedChick. You have to believe in yourself.
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A
male
reader, sagemode +, writes (15 September 2013):
can you climb out of this rut? maybe you aren't suppose too! maybe your placed in a rut to learn sometime valuable and to teach people to become happy.man made money, money never made the manyou say, you long to be an important person and to do great things and to have a meaningful life. you LONG to be free and to be independent.you don't need, to be important or rich! to have a meaningful life you just need to honor "the eight laws of health", you need to realize that confidence and feeling good about yourself, is your original mental default state.our society has brainwash most of the world population with good marketing. To believe that more things or items, is better for us.having better or new things to simulate or brains, will lead us to happiness. more sex, more clothing, more money, more etc, will make us better people, It will give your life's value, it will give you self esteem. May have adopt these false ideas. they ignore natural things, the human body needs to sustain it's life force. the truth is you don't need shit from a store, to give your life value. Self esteem is something you are born with, just like arms and legs, violations of the 8 laws of health, causes our brains to loss or self esteem. we slowly begin to lose our self's and we start to search outward for "things" to give our lives meaning. we replace our minds filled with "self esteem", with a minds filled with "ego".today there are hundreds of millions of people doing stuff to please their egos, in hopes to find, some type of value in their existence. their constantly on the hunt for the new "thingy" the relationship, job, i phone, vacation, drug, restaurant, t.v show, whatever.please don't feel bad or feel like a loser, because you can't work right now and you had moved back with your parents, a lot of people are going thur what you are currently facing, including myself at 26. millions of Americans are dealing with this powerful, social battle silently, and are hiding in the shadows, in shame in hopes to save face.they refuse to speak out, on the many current challenges they encounter in the realms of ,refusing to date because the feel useless, learning new job skills, managing the new child to parent relationship dynamic,to dealing with dreams, watching friends moving forward in life, and dealing with the jealously factors that slip into their friendships, aging fears,depression, etcyou said:"I'm gonna write a bestselling book? That's just laughable. No one from my background ever overcame a rut like THIS!!"I strongly believe the world is currently in NEED of a book that speak on these current social issues. your background is prefect to write this book. A LOT OF PEOPLE WILL BE ABLE TO RELATE.you have you no job, friends to entertain, or bills to pay, perfect! that means you have time to write a kick-ass booksorry if this dose not help...~cheers
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A
female
reader, 1ConfusedChick +, writes (15 September 2013):
And PS: if you are not comfortable with you and your life, Facebook will be the vain of your existence because you will constantly see people you end up comparing yourself to. Avoid this as much as you can, as nobody's life is perfect.
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A
female
reader, 1ConfusedChick +, writes (15 September 2013):
Ok so it's established that you believe you can't, and that's your first mistake. If you don't believe in you, who will? Second, have you applied to substitute teach? Sometimes that is the only way to get into a good full time job in a district? Have you thought about jobs outside of teaching? Or have you asked for some constructive feedback regarding your skill sets or the impression you make at an interview? It could be something as simple as a shift in attitude in an interview or a new skill that you may need to acquire...I think the absolute LAST thing you need is to get involved with a man at this point. It would not be a strong relationship as you are clearly not feeling confident or balanced; why throw more emotions on top of that? Start with getting things right with yourself first. If you want to take a break from job hunting, then go volunteer and give back. It will take your mind off of your situation, as well as put you in a social situation to help with your confidence and self-esteem. Driving is an issue, but most places have public transportation, unless you live in the middle of nowhere then maybe you can offer to car-pool? Bottom line, every time you tell yourself that you can't do something, you get one step closer to believing it. It will be a self for filling prophesy, believe me. I am 39. I don't have the career challenges you appear tobe facing but I do struggle with my personal relationship goals and needs. I may not date everyday, but its not because I don't believe in myself, I just know that I have more work to do to be whole for when Ido meet the right one. I think you can apply that thought process for many aspects of life.Good luck. Get out there and believe that this, like many things, is just temporary.
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