A
male
age
36-40,
*entleGiant
writes:I am not your typical guy but to date in my life i have had a total of six female sexual partners. All were long term relationships and each relationship was rewarding and satisfying. I started these when i was sixteen years old and continued till about two years ago. I have a farming background and come from a rural community. I learned about sex at a young age because on the farm you see things that city people would not always see or experience. Anyways about a year ago i met this fantastic woman and have been in a great relationship until about a week ago when she told me that she had sixty five sexual relationships. I dont know why but she said she wanted to come clean. I told her when we became committed that i didnt care but only said my sexual history because she wanted to know how sexually experienced i was. I sat and listened to her and told her i loved her and that it did not matter. She seemed reassured by my statements but still seemed upset. I then asked her if any of these relations she had resurfaced and or should we move somewhere else? She said no and that she had not seen or heard of any of them for several years. I asked her had she had a affair or was seeing somebody else. She said no and that she had been faithful only to me since dating. Then i asked her why she had so many relations but in a tender way. She kinda looked at me like i was crazy. So i asked it in a different way. What was different between number 10 or number fifty other than potentially different sexual intensities or feelings. She blew her lid and slapped my face. Cupid please help was i wrong in asking the question the way i did? We are close and intimate. She has not spoken to me in two days despite my apologies and asking for her to forgive me. what do i do?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2013): You and your partner can seek counseling together. You'll
both benefit from talking to a mental-health professional.
You'll need to find someone specializing in sexual-assault related trauma. You'll have to find local support groups for victims of rape and sexual assault. The aunts from Canada will be more familiar with what's available in your area; and may even provide websites or numbers to call.
I'm not quite sure why you're freaking out, you're not the victim. Try to keep it together, you're really not being of any help to her right now.
A
male
reader, GentleGiant +, writes (15 September 2013):
GentleGiant is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wish to continue with her story. As it continued i found it harder and harder to stay composed. The amount of rape and abuse she endured just about made me snap. I am again a farmer and you would think i had a thick skin. You think i have heard and seen it all. Not the abuse my girlfriend had to go through..I am surprised she had the will to fight back and take control of her life. That is one of the many reasons i love her. Some of you aunts thought she may be a hoe and have some horrible sicknesses. But somehow God willing that part of the ordeal did no permanent physical damage just the mental. When we first dated we never had sexual relations for almost three months. She wanted us to both have a physical and have complex and complicated blood work and tests done. I understand now why. I never questioned it or thought much about it at the time. We both came out of this with flying colours. Kate couldnt take birth control pills because of problems. I did the responsible thing and wore condoms all the time even when oral sex was involved. So Aunts i hope that part of this all provides some solice. after last night i find myself emotionally drained. Kate is back to her good old self and our relationship is moving ahead. I aunts now find i am going to have to talk to somebody about all this. This is worse than when my mom was dying of cancer in the hospital and my dad and my younger two brothers were falling apart and i had to stand there and pretend that everything was going to be alright. Make promises to my dying mother knowing there was no way in hell i could do all this on my own. Aunts please give me a number and tell me what to do know. I love Kate very much and that wont change but what i heard last night would make the worst sex crime case on tv seem like a Pee Wee Herman comedy. Please aunts i beg for your help on this all.
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A
male
reader, GentleGiant +, writes (15 September 2013):
GentleGiant is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank every one for their helpful and kind comments. I really expected to be told to dump her and move on with my life. That is not the case in my life. I love this woman greatly more than any man can love. She came home from work last night and gave me a big hug and kiss and apologized for slapping me.I said my apology also because i knew it was very difficult for her to talk about it and it upset her greatly. I saw that but should of been more understanding. I tried telling her i still feel the same way about her but the 65 count did startle me at first. She wanted to talk about it and i confessed i was uncomfortable about it to her. So i got a brief rundown. Basically she was not a hoe or escort but her youth was taken from her at a young age and she fought all the demons with sex and sexuality. These problems dogged her until her teens .thanks everyone again.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (15 September 2013):
 Male or female, I can't be with a person who slapped me in the face. I think she was rejected many times after men found out her number. When she felt that you are the one she wants to spend long term with, and then you asked her those questions, it's as if you were going to reject her too after learning more. Most men respond to the number by saying they are okay with it first, then it continues to bother them.
If I were her, I would just say I slept with many men, because I was 1. vulnerable and stupid, 2. I had been abused and I felt in control when I slept with men, 3. I am a free spirit, have a high sex drive and wanted to enjoy life.
If it weren't these answers, she is ashamed of her past. Slapping you is one way for you to stop talking about it.
If she didn't want to keep talking about it she should have said please stop now I feel uncomfortable. She has not come to terms with her past.
There is an agony aunt here who slept with 100+ people, men and women. She is the only one who has a healthy mind. Other women who had that many people are either sex adventure authors or porn stars. It is rare for a woman to state her number and be proud about it.
She has not talked to you in two days. Just let it be and don't contact her anymore. Apparently she wants a man to just say "wow, you are good. I wished I had that many women" after hearing the number 65. When she started this conversation she only wanted one outcome, your unconditional acceptance, then move on. Just a bit of curiosity means questioning and doubting to her. Well I don't blame anyone for being alarmed by that number. It spells emotional problems. That slap on the face just confirms that.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (15 September 2013):
 The fact that she's slept with 65 guys (that's a lot!) and her reaction to the discussion suggest to me that there's some underlying issue she hasn't brought up. It's probably for the best that she's having some alone time to dwell on it all and what it means to your relationship. OP, stop apologising. She hit you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2013): When a person starts a discussion with you, and then hits you after they misinterpret your question . . . . you don't owe them an apology. They owe you one. It is wrong for the other Agony Aunts to present this as your mistake. You did nothing wrong and she hit you for it. She should be apologizing to you and its purely your choice whether or not to forgive her.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (15 September 2013):
 Yea she feels judged coz she herself sees it as bad. She prob told u the number coz chances are she regrets. Thats what I gather. Yes don't beg but do apologize in fact id bust her balls a little n tell her to relax.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2013): 'she wanted to come clean''She seemed reassured by my statements but still seemed upset'You don't have a problem with her number. You told her as much and didn't act judgemental in any way. Instead, you naturally followed her disclosure with some questions. It is not only normal to participate in a conversation by asking questions to understand better, it is almost rude to have just said 'ok' after her speech and left it at that. Presumably it was weighing on her mind for her to have brought it up out of the blue and as a compassionate partner, I would personally expect you to show some interest and want to find out more etc. I mean, why would she bring up a conversation she didn't want to have? So I don't think you did anything wrong. I think she has issues with her own sexual past, judging from what you've said.Misunderstanding is normal but healthy couples discuss things.Slapping you was completely unacceptable! I really can't believe she did that. That is disrespectful and immature. Honestly, would you ever lay a hand on her? No? Because you care about her and even when you disagree or argue, you still respect and care about her. If you get past this, I hope you let her know that hitting each other is not the way to handle things. Ask her if she would be ok for you to slap her whenever you get angry.I don't know the dynamics of your relationship, but she seriously needs to work on her communication skills. Do some research about how couples communicate effectively so that you can both have a healthier approach. I have been with my partner for 3 years. Not once have we raised a hand to each other. Not once.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2013): I see that you asked her the question without malice, but rather with genuine curiosity. She didn't take it that way, however. She thought you were judging her. They question of "why so many" suggests that you think she has been conducting her life abnormally.There might be some truth in that. I am a woman who has had a number of male sexual partners over the years, about 8 or 9 by the time I was 30. I have NEVER met a female with 65 sexual partners, or anything even close to that. Wait, that's not true. Actually, I did once. I had a female co-worker for a while who confided in me that she was actually an escort before I met her. She had slept with about 80 men before calling it quits. But other than her, the most men that a female friend of mine had slept with by age 30 was about a dozen guys.I'm not judging your partner's life choices. Maybe she just really really enjoys sex. Whatever. It's fine, and you are fine with it. But I do agree with WiseOwl. You need to get tested for all sexually transmitted diseases. Sleeping with 65 people is a lot of sex, and your partner might have exposed herself to genital warts or herpes (which don't have to be visible to be infectious), chlamidya, gonorrhoea, syphillis, or even HIV. (Some escorts don't even sleep with 65 different people in their careers, and escorting is considered a high-risk sexual activity.)Either she will come around and forgive your curiosity...or she won't. You might want to explain that you were only curious because your own sexual history is quite limited.Good luck.P.S. I want to make it clear that I think 65 is a large number whether someone is a male or a female. I just think it's high in general.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2013): I think she might have misinterpreted the tone behind the question, and got insulted. She may have noted sarcasm where it wasn't intended. Her bad, not yours.
You shouldn't really feel bad or worry about it. Leave her alone and let it roll around in her head a little; and she'll realize there was no malice intended. If she still carries a grudge, it's not what you said, it's her own guilt.
I'm not going to say anything accept you should be tested for HIV; if you are having unprotected sex. I don't know if I've met anyone with so many partners. Most people would lose count or forget. Like you, I've had only a few with two long-term relationships that span over my adult life.
I don't judge people for the number of partners they've had; my only concern is that they've practiced safe-sex.
She'll come around.
She's probably embarrassed that she admitted that she's had so many, and she's afraid you'll judge her harshly.
The only way to back out gracefully, was to act as if she was insulted, and make you feel guilty. That's a common feminine escape tactic. When in a touchy situation; cry or reverse the guilt to save face. It backfires on us guys when we try to use it.
If she doesn't come around, you apparently struck a sensitive nerve by accident. If an apology isn't enough, I can only say don't sweat it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2013): You didn't do anything wrong. You just mistakenly expected a full grown adult to be able to handle a few simple questions about her own actions after SHE brought up the topic and knew that it was a big difference between you two. Lets reverse this situation. Lets say you told her you wanted to talk about YOUR sexual history. You tell her you only had 6 people in the past. She listens politely, and then says she understands and it does not matter to her. A few sentences later she asks "Did it always have to mean so much every time you slept with a person? So you would only share that with 6 people in your life so far?" You respond by physically hitting her. Is that a justifiable reaction? Did she somehow provoke it?
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (15 September 2013):
I assume you meant to imply that the number of partners she had was not important to you, as it is just as number and you were genuinely curious about her past.
She would have interpreted it as "well the difference between 10 and 50 is 40 so you are essentially calling me a whore because your 10 represents the amount of partners you were with and 50 represents the amount I was with".
I'm surprised she would get this angry though...I mean 65 IS a lot of partners and it can leave a lot of room for questions. I'm sorry she couldn't see that you were just curious but hopefully she will come around. Even though you do love her, she doesn't want you to think that she is a whore nor would she ever want you to say that actual word. I'd say keep saying you are sorry and keep asking her why she does not want to talk to you.
Hopefully some other aunts can give you some advice on where to go from here, but I do wish you all the best.
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