A
male
age
51-59,
*ichard.S
writes:Best way of attracting interest from women with my 0/10 looks?I am 45 and have never dated or had sex and have had no opportunities to do either. I have been called ugly since the age of 14. During my 'day' of clubs, bars etc the only women who talked were to friends of mine who had looks. I have been pointed out, laughed at, talked about and ignored from school, college and work. How can i even get to the date stage? People are judged on looks and i have none. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2015): well I have a friend of mine, ironically who is also 45 and never had a relationship before either, never had a girlfriend.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2013): Look. Lots of people I consider very unattractive-looking, nevertheless end up married with kids. The key is that their mates are "in the same league" as them so to speak. This sounds harsh but true. People pair up with others similar to themselves in terms of attractiveness level.E.g. my brother in law has always been very obese and unkempt. He never had a girlfriend. Then suddenly he met a woman who was also single and also quite obese and had never had a relationship either. Within 6 months they were married and a year later had a baby. Of course they also had interests and personality traits in common. But just saying that attraction is also important and its highly unlikely someone "more attractive" physically than you will be attracted to you.And by "attractive looking" I don't mean to sound fatalistic like there's nothing you can do. A lot of how attractive you look depends on your personal sense of style and effort. Keeping or acquiring a trim muscular physique, wearing clothes that fit well and complement your body, having your hair neat and clean, etc. These things can make you look attractive and are well within your control. Surf the web for those before and after makeover type projects, for men.And be realistic in the women you try to attract. Like I said, people fey attracted to those similar to themselves in style and physical attributes. You will rarely see a professional runner (lean and athletic) married to an obese person for example.
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male
reader, human_male  +, writes (17 September 2013):
 Also, women our age expect a man to have his shit together by now, a house and a good job. So if you've got that sorted that's one big plus in your favour.You're doing better than me. I bet you get a result before I do.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (16 September 2013):
 At 45 people are NOT judged by looks.. they are judged by personality, intelligence, self-esteem and confidence.
being pleasant (along with good grooming like Intrigue said) with a big smile and a welcoming glance goes way father than just good looks which clearly fade over time anyway.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2013): How to attract women?
Easy
Rule no1. Don't ask about their age, its impolite
Rule no2. Don't talk like you know everything, because you'll be surprise, she might know more than you do
Rule no3. Don't try to kiss her on a first date
Rule no4. No maniac moments ever.
Rule no5. be gentleman at all times
Rule no6. brush your teeth, make sure your breath smells fresh at all times.
Rule no7. Don't ask about her past bf's. after all its all about you and her.
Rule no8. Make sure you have a job.
Rule No9. Never let a woman pays for a date. its very un-gentleman.
Rule No10. Give her flowers. send her food at work.
it will make her think of you. 100%
Rule No11. if you the money, ask her to travel the world with you. voila in no time you will get a gf.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2013): I think you've been in hiding for most of your life; because of how you were treated since childhood. It deeply penetrated and hurt you badly. I loathe bullying and teasing. Assholes don't care about the damage they do.
Unfortunately, you are correct that people tend to see the surface, and not care much what's beneath it. That's human nature and there is no cure for it. You have to find your own way to break through the barriers. We all do. You have to try a little harder.
Unfortunately; you've developed a complex, and put up a wall for several years. Hiding behind friendships and using excuses. Belittling yourself. Fearing rejection to the point of neurosis. You've been your own enemy, sir.
There is no possible way you can't get a date for that many years. You'd have to be pretty damned ugly to be avoided by even ugly women. You apparently have set your own standards pretty high, when you don't approach anyone: even if they equal you in appearance. You, like the rest of us guys; want most what you can't have.
If you want a pretty lady to look past your appearance and fall in love with you. The odds are against it. If you want to meet a lady, just be nice to her. Women are more forgiving about looks then men are. I hope you try to be moderately stylish, have a steady job, and you're well-groomed. If you're messy or smelly, forget it.
If your low self-esteem rules your world, and you've let yourself go; then don't expect women to be the least bit interested in a man who doesn't take care of himself.
When you stop believing what cruel people have said; and realize you are more than what people see. Your wall will come down. People have to be invited in.
If you feel ugly, then you probably didn't develop much charm. It's not your looks so much as your opinion of
yourself that is holding you back.
Man, if you can make friends; you can find a date.
You figured what's the use. I'm too ugly. Okay, self-defeat is worse than taking a bullet. You've shot yourself down.
We can say a lot of nice things to make you feel good; but it's up to you to decide you will be charming, sweet, and talk to a nice lady; and let her see what a nice guy you are.
It's been my experience that guys who aren't that attractive, usually turn women off by their "behavior."
They approach like a hungry troll. I'm gay, and a guy who approaches me that way scares me.
If you don't feel comfortable within your own skin; you'll behave awkward and clumsy. Come off as too nervous, and desperate, and appear more as a geek or klutz. Even good- looking men that are creepy or vain, turn women off. So you've got to have game, my good fellow.
My friend, it starts when you make the effort. They may not be quick to come to you, so you have to make the first move.
If Keith Richards with the Rolling Stones can get a woman,
you can.
There is no magic spell or potion that will draw people to you. Nothing short of personality and charm. There are no words that anyone can say that will make you let down your wall, and just take a chance. You've got to keep trying.
In your case, start trying.
If you feel you look like the "elephant-man," all we can offer you are kind words and encouragement. If loneliness isn't enough motivation, I can't tell you what is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2013): I put a little credence in a man's looks but a sense of humor go's a long way.
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female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (15 September 2013):
 Women love a man who listens, makes them feel beautiful, treats them like a princess and makes them laugh. We like a man to be confident in who he is and if he smells good then all the better.
If you can do some of these things then you don't need looks.
You're so hung up on being "ugly" you will project that, if you start to believe that you are worthy of love and walk and talk with confidence then that is what a woman will see.
You're frustrated that women aren't seeing past your face, and sorry but I feel I must ask, are you seeing past theirs?
I only ask because many beautiful young women are very shallow and only care about the "phwoar" factor. There will be ladies out there who don't have the stereotypical beauty that society expects and feel the same way that you do. Are you overlooking these ladies in favour of the more stereotypical beauty?
Maybe a dating site would give you some confidence, that way you can get to know a lady and she can get to know you before you actually meet. That way she'll get to see who you really are before she "sees" you.
Believe in yourself and, point to note, if you're open to the idea of commitment or even marriage and children, trust me, that will make you more attractive than you could possibly know!
Hold your head high and let those ladies see the real man you are.
I hope this helps AB x
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male
reader, human_male +, writes (15 September 2013):
I'm in the same boat as you except the sex part, but I've only been with escorts. I've never had a girlfriend. I used to blame my looks, but the problem there is ugly men get women, so it can't be that. In fact I was out last night and a rather attractive (to me anyway) woman arrived with a completely unremarkable, short, pot bellied guy who ignored her the entire night. His looks certainly weren't holding him back.I don't have a bad self image, I don't feel ugly or unattractive so I don't know what it is. I just seem to get ignored. I have occasionally met women and gone out with them but I always get the "I don't feel a spark." So it clearly is something, I just wish someone would tell me what.All I can say to you is the advice I get, that I shouldn't worry about meeting someone and just go and have fun, and meet people and make friends. Find something you're passionate about. Get involved in your local church or community. You can't do anything about your looks so don't let that hold you back. Everyone has strengths and shortcomings... everyone. All you can do is try to enhance your strengths and accept your shortcomings, but don't let them stop you.Failing that, learn to play guitar or make a lot of money.
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male
reader, somewhere_between +, writes (14 September 2013):
 I would not go the dating site way. They are full of women who believe they are going to find something they cannot get in real life. They are looking for someone exceptional, or are total dreamers. You will end up feeling worse. Forget paying for sex too. Nothing flattering about that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): Some of the most beautiful people - those who are physically attractive - are sometimes some of the ugliest people in existence. Why? Because they do not have a personality to go with their looks. Do you have a good heart OP? A good personality?This is what matters most at the end of the day. Looks are overrated in this society. Our culture is obsessed with the perfect body. Nobody has one. I used to think I needed to be perfect and all of my self esteem depended on how perfect my body was or was not. I have since let that expectation go and have learned to enjoy who I am and all the good things about me. No I am not perfect or the most beautiful person in the world but I am me. And I love me. OP, you need to love yourself and maybe take some time to do things for yourself, so that you can reconnect with the person that you are, really discover who you are and give yourself a great big hug. I know it sounds cliché. But for others to like you, you have to like yourself first. We all get old. We all lose our looks but the person we are deep inside remains the same. This is the person that needs to sparkle. I am sure you are a good person. Please stop being so down on yourself. We are each unique and special individuals. There will never be another you. Embrace that!I think you may have not met the right one who sees the real you. But more importantly, I also think that you probably lack confidence in yourself. Try to focus on your good qualities. We all have them. I consider myself attractive but I do not like my legs. I think they are big. But I do like my eyes and hair and figure for the most part. I have a good sense of humour and I have lots of friends. I am outgoing and reach out to others. Can you work on getting yourself into social situations, activities, classes, the gym, anywhere where you can practice your social skills and develop your confidence doing something you really enjoy? Step outside your comfort zone. You are just wallowing there in the safety of your familiar complaints and surroundings. Break free of your self imposed prison.What are you good qualities? Why don't you focus on those? Write them down. Nurture them. Really feel good about them and maybe they will shine through.Women are not looking for a God. A lot of men who are really good looking are jerks and they are self centered and not always relationship material. You would be because you seem grounded and real. And you probably have much more to offer than you think.Women love humour. Make a woman laugh. She will appreciate this a lot.Fitness is a big part of my life. This gives me confidence and self esteem and plenty of opportunities to meet people. Why don't you join a gym and get into the best shape of your life? If there is something really bothering you about your appearance, if you can change it, why not go ahead? We all need some tweaking here and there to boost our self esteem. Nothing wrong with that. How about go out shopping for some new clothes? Get a makeover. Any salon can help you with this if you need to revamp your look or style.Go on a trip. You can take some time out for yourself and maybe meet new people.I do believe you may be placing too much pressure on yourself to meet someone and you seem to focus on the negatives too much. This does not get you anywhere. Women will sense you are unhappy with yourself. We do like a man with confidence. It may take awhile to get there for you but in the meantime just fake it. Nobody will know the difference.Think positive. Think you are good looking. Think you have a lot to offer a woman. Change your mind set. Change the way you think. If you think you are a good guy, then you will convince yourself you are a good guy. If you think you are ugly and unworthy, you will convince yourself you are ugly and unworthy.I used to weigh almost 100 pounds more than I do now. I hated myself. So, what did I do? I stopped complaining. I stopped thinking I was worthless. I joined a gym. I lost the weight. I gained confidence. Now I have to turn men down all the time.Take control. It is your life. You have the power. You can make the changes and you can be happy! Good luck! I know you can do it!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): I'm just curious, OP, what do you look like?
Looks are secondary in attracting a woman, I'm just curious.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): Intrigued gave some good advice.
You could learn how to play the guitar, also.
I am sure that you are okay looking and intelligent.
BUT... I know of ONE person who's not only physically repulsive, but also a retard who plays guitar in a band (actually in my band, and he was jealous of me bc I'm better) and he had to beat the girls off with a stick. I'm not joking! And he isn't even a very good guitarist, either!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): I would like to help you.
You were bullied for your appearance when you were 14... guess what!! Everyone feel awkward as a teenager, with everyone getting picked on for this particular feature or that particular feature... the same people doing the bullying are probably insecure about something as well.
Are you sure it's looks, or is there more going on? For example, maybe lack of confidence is a factor?
Hmmm what exactly about your appearance is ''ugly?''
What can you do to improve your appearance?
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female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (14 September 2013):
 Looks have nothing to do with attracting a woman. It's CONFIDENCE. If you really want to give yourself an additional edge then you can improve yourself in the following ways:
1. Style. Go to a men's clothing store and instruct the sales rep that you want to look drop dead handsome. They will help you to pick out clothing to suit your body type and enhance your assets. If you prefer you can have a friend tag along who knows how to dress well
2. Smell great. Be hygienic and wear a sexy cologne. A good smell will get you second glances.
3. Get a make over in terms of hair style, facial hair. Go to a good salon and ask them to recommend a great haircut to suit your face.
4. Work out at the gym. It will help you to gain some of your lost confidence. You'll be in shape and your body will look more appealing
5. Work on your etiquette. Ask a close female friend to critique you on how you handle yourself in social situations with the opposite sex. Learn how to express yourself in a way that sounds charming. You can even read up on this.
6. Join social groups - Find a hobby and join a group. It will get you out there having fun, meeting new people, networking and pretty soon you'll be dating.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): My friend you first have to stop calling yourself ugly and change your self image of yourself. I am no Ryan Gosling but know that i am rugged looking man. There are things cosmetically that can be changed about yourself but anyone who has a week or failing self image can be easily spotted in the crowd. I think the first thing you have to do is rectify the no sex status. Like yourself i went through a bad start to life but a friend of a friend recommended me go to vegas and experience life. It was probably the best weekend of my life.The place i went to was fantastic and it was hard walking into one of those ranches or sex places but i mustered up the courage and went in and was open and honest.. These people were professional,kind, understanding and nobody was laughing at me. I learned a lot that weekend and learned more there than if i had been dating for ten years. I strongly recommend you start there. After that i believe you will feel a lot better about yourself. Work on one thing at a time and if necessary acquire a life coach or get some counselling or mentor ship. Like yourself my friend i was ugly but changed into a rugged man not afraid to laugh with and at him self. Remember my friend what happens in Vegas will always stay there. Good luck. Get Moving.
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