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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: HelloI recently broke up with a married man with whom I was having an affair.Actually, he was the one who broke up with me saying that he didn't want to lead me on and he didn't want to hurt his wife and family. He got this wake-up call when he thought his wife was cheating on him (she wasn't) but he told me that it had hurt him SO MUCH, the thought of HIS WIFE having an affair, that he realised he couldn't continue with me as he loved his wife and family too much. At the time when he thought he was about to lose everything, he couldn't eat or sleep.He then told me that though we couldn't be intimate anymore. We were very good friends over a year before we got intimate and he wanted us to go back to being just good friends.I told him that I didn't think so. We didn't speak in over a month, I stayed away from him and he respected that. During that time, I missed him VERY much. He eventually called and said he missed our friendship and I told him likewise. He said he wasn't fooling himself, and knows it would be very hard but he really doesn't want to lose me as a friend.He is really making his marriage work, it is as if they have rendewed their married vows and he is totally committed to her and I respect that. He doesn't call me as often and when he does, it is short and just to touch base and to see how I am going, that's it. In the beginning of the affair, he was the one who did all the pursuing (I never in a million years thought i would have ever had an affair with a married man)..you see i was a virgin at the time and he did not have much experience with women, his wife was not a virgin when they met and he only had one other girlfriend before her (by the way, I am 35 and he is 32).I want to be friends with him, I really do treasure our friendship and I respect him and his renewed ommitment to his family, I never did nor will i be the one to initiate anything....do u think we could be friends?PSHe told me that I was the first since his marriage (7years) that he has had sex with and I definitely will be the last. By the way, he never spent as much as a dime on me because he just never really saw me as the other woman, in addition to which i never asked for anything,,,I could afford everything I want.
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affair, broke up, married man, mistress Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2017): Wow, and I thought I was cynical. First off, I’m not here to say affairs are right. They are not. We are all adults. Can you be friends with your ex, of course you can. The question is are you disciplined enough to be his friend. Do you want to be friends. Then set up rules.I had an affair for two years. She left her husband. We had fun but we became great friends. She got back with her husband and is now pregnant with their first child. Are we still friends, yes. Do i respect her new life, yes. Can we still talk about work, life and changes. You bet. Why, because we decided very early on that we cannot damage our friendship due to our affair. Is it hard, yes. Is it worth it. To me, yes because as hard and as shitty as it may sound, you can actually love two people. If we were all Mormons, this wouldn’t event be a conversation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2009): Speaking from experience, being his friend will only keep the feeling that you already have for him going and it will tear you apart, you will always be thinking in the back of your mind that this man used me, and you will gradually hate him take it from me, I was with a married man for 7 years, going on a roller coaster ride, his wife left him and he still told me that he wasn't ready for a relationship with me.but he still wanted to be best friends. now honestly do you want to be best friends with someone like that? I didn't know what to think or do it dam near destroyed me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): well stop making excuses. seems like you want to run after him and you are just using your friendly circle as an excuse. you are lucky thus far. see the reprecussions of your affair when his wife gets wind of this affair.
you only have yourself to blame. you were the ininvited 3rd party in his marriage. unfortunately this is the consequence. well if you do not want to avoid him and limit any contact with them then you have only yourself to blame and we are all wasting our time trying to advise you otherwise.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): I want desperately to stay away from him but don't know how to do it. We have the same friends in common with whom I socialise with it occassionally. We are a group of friends who plan little get-togethers to meet up and just have fun. I don't have any friends outside of this group. This married man is also part of this group.
How can I stay away from him if he is always there, do I sacrifice my life and my friends for him when that's all I have?
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A
male
reader, thebeardedguy  +, writes (21 September 2009):
I agree to the first answer. He's used you and if you continue like this he will use you again. Have some self respect and move on, stop all communication. Just stay away!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): did you even have to write in to ask the question? you know well that you meant NOTHING to him. you may think i am being harsh but better to tell you the real situation than give you a pie in the sky answer.
this man is committed to his wife and kids(?). he used you and he dumped you - so please do not look at him like a martyr. he is not. he is actually a slime ball. if you want to settle for so called "mere' friendship then you are a sucker for punishment and you deserve the way you will be treated. he has his fling and he pacifies you with the guise of friendship so that you do not see the real him- selfish, manipualtive, conniving bastard who does not have the balls to say that he played you, that he used you and that he is spineless. if you cannot see the real him, then what else is there to say.
you helped him betray his wife and you were the intruder in his marriage. he got his head screwed on pretty fast when he realised what he was apparently losing, didn't he. speaks volumes of what you really meant in his life. he outted you without a moments thought and he throws, what, mere friendship- more like crumbs and mere pittance of "friendship". he is worried that you will rat him out therefore he is keeping you sweet, so that you do not spill the beans. he is keeping you sweet for next time. only you can decided if there will be a next time. if you value yourself and want the respect then you know what to do. if not, and if you want to just be a side order then continue in the manner in which you have. choose wisely, you may not get the chance to redeem yourself again.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (21 September 2009):
Don't be friends with him. You'll just get dragged along and you'll never move on from him (even if you think you will). It's not a good sign for his marriage that he still wants to speak to you really. There are lovely unmarried men out there, so go and find one of them instead. lots of luck.
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