A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hope someone can give me some wisdom. I'm sorry if this is long...I have been with a wonderful man for 7 months. I have never been this happy before in a relationship. After 3 months, I found out he'd been living with someone for the first 6 weeks of our relationship. I never even knew. I can see why he kept it from me, I worked with him and asked him out over email when I left my job. I didn't even know he had a girlfriend because he kept it hidden from everyone. Reason being, the person he was in a relationship with was an ex-patient at the mental hospital where we worked. He had had enough of this relationship because he was deeply unhappy. She had a borderline personality disorder and was very abusive and was horrible to his young son, coz she was jealous. He said even though he knew it was wrong, when I emailed him it gave him and opening out of his situation, which was pretty dire.So we sort of managed to get over that. During our 7 months together he's never stopped telling me how lucky he feels to have me, how he's so in love with me. I mean I've never known love like this.Unfortunately last week we argued real bad because his ex had got in touch with him. Only the week before I had been telling him how I was starting to trust him, and he said that had meant the world to him - more than anything. Then when she rung him (something manipulative - she didnt' even have his number she got it of his sister) I threw some horrible things in his face like he was going to go back and sh*g her. It really hurt him, but we managed to get over that argument then another one happened again a day later and I'm afraid I handled it wrongly. I was saying stuff about how he must be needy and that he'll need someone else to cling onto before he leaves me etc, etc.Again we made it up, but yesterday we were at his sister's and I could sense that he wasn't the same with me - really distant. It's hard not to notice when you have practically spent 24/7 with someone in 7 months and have been so close and affectionate wtih that person. To cut a long story short I asked him to take me home, which he did and he didn't seem to bothered by it either. We had a talk when we got to mine and he said that he did feel a bit different, not that his feelings had changed but he had basically undergone a 'character assassination' last week and he was finding it hard to get over it, feelings were still werring round in his head. He wasn't as reassuring about his feelings like he is normally if I'm feeling insecure, didn't seem to come near me, which is totally unlike him.Only last week, he was telling me every five mins, how so in love with me he is, how I'm perfect for him, he's never loved anyone like this before etc, etc.I believe him as well coz he's constantly with me and always put me first. But he walked out of my place saturday becausse I was exasperating him and turned his phone off but i didn't realise until I tried to get hold of him on sunday. He responded last night that he thought we were special and really going somewhere but my actions have proved otherwise. I'm devastated. I admitted what I did was wrong. He wasn't so innocent himself though. I can't sleep, havent' eaten. I dont' know what to do. I don't want to get in touch and annoy him more.Can he have really fallen out of love this easily?We're now on Monday and i've text him a couple of times asking him to give me another chance and that I'm devestated and can't stop crying but he's just said that he wished I he had told me he had another girl to begin with then maybe I'd have walked and he wouldn't be feeling this way now.
View related questions:
his ex, insecure, jealous, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): The situation sounds tough. I understand that he should've been straight at the beginning but you should also understand that you may have never been together if he'd told the truth (whether thats good or bad is debatable). What he did was wrong but after 7 months it should be water under the bridge.Also he can't control what she does. It sounds like his ex will go to great lengths to contact him. It also sounds like it'll be VERY hard to get rid of her. If you can't deal with that (which would be understandable) then you're better off as friends. Also this "character assassination" you speak of.... you're probably starting to remind him of his ex so
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2008): Hi, have you tried applogising?
It seems that his ex was abusive and horrible and that is why he wanted out of that relationship. When you exploded with the things you said - you acted exactly as she would have. Im sure he loves you but you need him to know that you are not insecure about this woman and nor do you doubt him. Why should he live his life with anyone that feels they can, in a flash throw the most hurtful things at him?
He was wrong for not making things right at the start of the relationship but you said you worked through that, so that means you have to let it go....if you agree to move on from something, you can NEVER use it in an argument again.
I think you need to talk, everything needs to be cleared from here. You need to explain why you feel the way you do and why you used 'character assassination' to protect your feelings. He also needs to share what is on his mind and why he cant let it go. Anything that needs to be said, must be said.
Don't throw something wonderful away. Grab it with both hands and make it better - have a fresh start together. x
...............................
A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (3 March 2008):
 Hey if i was you i would walk away now anyway.
This pretty much mirrors what ive been through, and it lasted a year and a half and his ex was a complete nightmare! I too felt he was the type of person that needed to meet someone new before he moved on. He was honest with me when i met him though, saying he was with someone but he wasnt happy. (mind you, only when i looked him in the eye and said you live with someone dont you) i just knew, dont know why. Anyway he put a note through my door the following monday, asked me out for a drink, i stupidly txt him out of courtesy, saying no because i dont have to be anyones 'the other woman' he split with the ex within 2 weeks, saying it wasnt for my benefit, but i had given him the incentive to, then we went out as mates. Got into a relationship, she made life diffcult. After about a month, she txt him, but he lied to me and said it was a mate. I knew it was her. Later that night when she got real nasty to him and tried ringing him, he came clean to me. That was it, i switched off, never trusted him again after that. We split after a year of arguments about her, putting up with her txt at 3 in the morning etc, and after we split i found out he had still been in touch with her, because of her daughter. Not saying he cheated, but i always felt he could end up back with her. when i used to confront him about it, saying i have instinct feelings theres something going on behind my back but didnt know what, he denied it saying i knew everything about him. Even swore on his 10 yr old daughters life. After we split he said he felt guilty towards her daughter who was 19 and thought it would all go away, thats why he didnt tell me. Didnt wanna lose me.
Anyway after a month apart he jumped back into bed with her twice, then they lost touch, after 3 months apart, we ended up as mates and then yes, against my better judgement, we got back together! Der! The first few weeks were great admittedly. Everything was out in the open.
Then 2 or 3 more months of crap with his family and him borrowing money off me and not being able to pay it back, little lies about things that made life 'easier' for him... and i got rid.
Worst year and a half of my life to be honest. Never been with such a dead beat selfish git in my whole life. Was always lucky when it came to men, never got treated bad.
This guy you're with, or just split with, sounds the same.
Cut your losses now, his ex had a screw loose too, zero pride and put up with his crap for 6 yrs!
Stay strong and find someone that can speak the truth. He will always 'feel guilty' if she contacts him, and eventually he wont even bother telling you. Liars dont ever change. And i wish to god when he said he had split with her, i had still stayed well away from him.
I wont go near a bloke thats literally just split with someone now. Usually theres a connection still there and you're instincts probably know that, you just arent trusting them.
Stay safe.
C xxxxx
...............................
A
female
reader, Arcada +, writes (3 March 2008):
Listen mate a similar thing happend to me 2 months ago. I know what your going through, I went down to 7 stone. Like you I said some horrible things to my ex and he walked. I couldnt get over it cos I blamed myself and it sounds like you are!Just remember you had every right to not trust him, when someone lies at the beginning of a relationship its so hard to forgive. For your own peace of mind you could tell him you didnt mean the hurtful things you said, people in love do this when they are scared!THEN DONT CONTACT HIM!! all the begging just pushes them away even more, explain yourself and stop all contact. In the meantime chat to friends, message me if you want to. If you are struggling to eat and sleep maybe go to the doctor's?I never thought I would feel better, but it does get easier with time. I am still devestated but the constant physical pain in my chest has gone. If he loves you as much as he said he did, he will forgive you and come back, if not he's not worth it, you forgave him for his lies, he should forgive you!JUST REMEMBER YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG!xxx
...............................
|
