A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I recently got an abortion. I've been with my boyfriend almost two years. I'm 23 my bf is 26. I made this decision because one I'm in college, I still live at home, my legal status in the US isn't complete which means I can't work and I believe I'm to young. I want to be married properly one day and be financially independent when I decide to have a child. However, most of my decision was based on my bf. He stated before it happened he never wants kids and he suggested abortion when we found out. It was very much an accident. At this point since I did the abortion pill it's a long painful process I'm barely in a couple if days. I'm sad very very sad. I don't have many friends and we decided not to tell anyone so I feel very much alone. I don't blame him but now I'm not sure I even want to stay with him. I feel guilt for killing my baby. I'm sadden by his reaction to the baby although he was very much there and supporting as well as loving. Can anyone help me with this struggle? Anyone who has maybe had one.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): I unfortunately had few of them, mistakes of my youth. You will not regret about them your whole life. What you feel now is natural, but it wont stay with you for long. We, humans adapt to any situation and continue to live. You have all the right thoughts about having a baby now or later. Your boyfriend might eventually change his mind about family. Good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): I am very sorry for the pain that you're going through. If you can't talk to anyone, it's good that you can talk here. As a woman we are naturally very nurturing, and even though this was your choice, it would've been nice to have had an actual choice in having the support of the man who made you pregnant in being able to do something rather than have a not so quick, not so easy, abortion. I know you're feeling sad and alone, I really hope that one day, when you have good insurance you can see a counselor for any grief you are feeling. In the meantime, maybe you need a break from your boyfriend to get your thoughts together as to if you really want to stay with him or not. You're a good person, you are trying your best. It's normal to grieve the loss of your child. Allow yourself the time to grieve. My thoughts are with you..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): It's a hard thing to deal with an unplanned pregnancy. Everyone has an opinion for you and they are usually warning about all the problems and downsides of the other choices.
But that's just it, there is no option for an accidental pregnancy that won't cause emotional stress. There is no option that won't leave you looking back years from now and wondering if it was really the right choice. All you can do is do what you think is right and forgive yourself for whatever else happens.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2014): I was pregnant at 20 and had an obortion, after the choice that I made,I decided to never have children. I did'nt.
The empty feeling was overwhelming and unexplainable, suddenly I felt the bond, when it was too late.
In time you will recover, you must not live with regret, we make our choices and we must live with these choices.
As you know it is a very personal experience and nobody can tell you what is right or wrong or how you will feel.
Just have to go through the emotions and get on with life, too late to look back and too painful to regret
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2014): First off *hugs* This is my experience... I found out I was pregnant on my 20th birthday, I wasnt worried that I was pregnant, but my cycle was due to start between the 7-9, and it was the 9th. I figured it was stress related, but took a test anyways. I was shocked to say the least... I was in denial... my bf was very self absorbed. Emotionally abusive, and just extremely selfish he was also a SEVERE porn addict... (couldnt go more than 2hrs without it, would watch it with family in the room, woke up through out the night to look at it, ect) I was very lost and confused. I was living on my own, trying to find work as I had just moved to the area and was going to college. I really wanted to give the baby up for adoption. My bf and mother kept pushing abortion, told me it wasnt a baby, ect, ect. So I too did the pill abortion. What was worse is the dr never did an ultrasound, and I didnt know until after the fact that you shouldnt take the pill after 9 weeks and I was 10... so I think.it made it that much more painful. The first 4 days I could not eat or drink. Then that night I had to take the pills to well essentially cause you to expell the baby. It was awful. Worse than labor pains (I now know) It lasted about 12 hours. I kept vommiting through it, and the baby came out in my panties... I was a wreck. My bf wasnt even going to stay with me, he was going to take MYcar a Inbbbbbd stay athis Moms. I should have let him. I would groan in pain or say ow he would tell me to shut up. Eventually I started crying and he just kept saying shut up, I have to ago to work for four hrs tomorrow (he worked at a candle store, really?) Then when the baby came out and I asked him to bury it he said we should keep it in a jar... then ended up throwing it away in the trash :( He wouldnt stay home the next day, and had to take my car to work, but the hospital was over an hr or two away. Anyways I had a follow up apt a couple days after snd she said it sounded like I had lost too much blood, and I should have gone to the Er, because my red cell count was very low. It was just awful. I felt incredebly sad, like I had killed my baby... I went into a depression. Broke up with him a month later although things were already rocky. I was disgusted by him. My best advice whether you stay or not is that you need to have support Friends, on group that you can go to. You really need to be able to grieve so you can get back to the life you had. That said, the guilt, and pain never goes away... it may not always be on your mind but there will be times where its all you can think about. You never forget. Earlybon, its best to grieve and try to keep yourself as distracted as possible. (Gonout with friends, find a hobby, immerse yourself in school work. Those are some steps to at least help you get through it and get out of that dark place that you are in now... Best of Luck, keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (3 April 2014):
 I was in a similar situation to you about 25 years ago. I was married and already had 2 children. My youngest was only 2. We were using birth control and it failed. My husband was shocked/angry beyond belief and told me that there was no way we could afford to have another child. I was devastated, I had grown up in the Catholic faith and also had been a counselor for anti abortion, so what he said was TOTALLY against everything I believed in.
I felt alone, scared and trapped with little options. I had an abortion the day before my 26th birthday when I was 4-5 weeks along. It was the saddest most painful experience I have ever been through. I cried the whole time. When it was over and I walked out, my husband said "I wanted to go back and stop it..I guess I should have". That gave me little to no comfort.
I never told anyone in my family except for my grandmother. I knew she would understand. She had been in a situation similar to me years ago and almost died from a back street abortion. She comforted me and said that I would be forgiven. I wanted so much to believe that. Eventually my mother and sister found out and they weren't kind to me about it, but they had never been in my situation so how could they possibly judge me? It was very painful for me.
About 7 years later my husband anad I were doing very well financially and he wanted desperately to have a baby. I absolutely refused and told him there was no way I would ever have another baby after what we had done. I never did.I actually told him if he wanted another baby he had better divorce me and marry someone else because I wasn't about to have another child.
I did what I had to do, I never felt good about it. It still hurts me to this day when I look at my 26 year old son..I wonder what that baby might have looked like, been like. I'll obviously never know.
I live with the pain and regret. Thats just the kind of person I am. Many women I think can go on and forget about it for the most part. It haunts me. Its a hurt that you tuck away and try not to think about because you can't change anything.
I stayed married to my husband for 12 years after the abortion, but trust me, there was a part of me that really hated what we had done. I don't think I really ever forgave him. He tries to say that I was never really pregnant and the doctor made a mistake...whatever. I dont buy that.
I understand how you feel towards your boyfriend. You may never truly be able to feel the same towards him. I don't blame you. BUT..in his defense, you knew he didn't want children. He's not the right man for you if you want children and he doesn't. It might be best to end the relationship and give yourself time to heal. Eventually it won't hurt like it does now. Accept what you can and forgive yourself. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks..you did what you did. No one has the right to judge you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 April 2014):
 Abortion is a personal choice, maybe some people might feel your reasons weren't good enough for having one, but, guess what, they were your reasons, your choice, your body, your future, therefore your reasons were good enough for you and your personal case. So don't feel bad about having made your choice, everybody has a different idea and a different level of comfort re. the struggles and the hardships they can handle ( and make their baby handle ! ) when they are faced with an unplanned pregnancy, and they all deserve respect.
As for your bf ... he told you BEFORE the accident that he does not want to have kids, and that he does not want to be a father , surely not now and maybe never ( I say "maybe " because these things tend to change with age )- anyway , not now. So I feel it is not fair blaming him for his attitude, since he did not actually pressure you to do something you did not want to do ( you had your own reasons to terminate this pregnancy ), and since he has been , all in all, present and supportive. Perhaps it's normal in this sensitive stage that you feel angry at him, but I guess you'll be able to see it more rationally when the worst is over.
Although, this episode might have brought to the forefront something that you had not thought about , or chose to not think about. I.e., that if at some point , after you have sorted out your things, you want to have a child- he is not the one for you, because he said clearly he does not want kids. Sure, as I just said, he could change their minds in time.... but you don't know IF and WHEN this will happen. So, if becoming a parent is important to you, it's obvious that you are on two different life paths and maybe you should reconsider your r/ship in the light of this realization.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (3 April 2014):
 However people feel about abortion it's completely insignificant when compared to the thoughts and feelings of any woman who chooses to have one.
Having an abortion is nobody's business but the woman who is carrying the pregnancy.
I think you have found yourself in a bad situation with very little options. You are with a partner who doesn't care what is happening to you as long as he gets what he wants and I think you have gone along with this for your own reasons as well.
As much as we like to think we live in this perfect world where everyone is happy, everyone has a loving supportive family or partner and where 'every child is special', the hard fact is that THIS IS NOT AND WILL NEVER BE THE CASE!!
Abortion is unpalatable, it's something that stays with you for the rest of your life and it is ALWAYS a very lonely and personal decision, because if you bring a child into the world whilst you are in a bad situation, that child will suffer anyway...some do make it, others don't...it's a crossroads choice.
I am not going to tell you not to be sad or upset or try to tell you it's going to be OK, it goes with all those other unpleasant tough choices we make in life and it's final and permanent and we have to learn to live with it.
You have a future and you know what you want, marriage and a family, you will be denied that future if you stay with this man. I have met men like him and they do not change, so make a better choice next time.
You will get through this and it will alter your outlook on life to some extent. You made the decision and you stuck with it. Probably best to avoid another pregnancy with this man in the future.
I went through this too about 10 years ago, do I regret my decision...no. Did I forget what I did...no. Was it lonely...yes, very. It is what is is.
Good luck.
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