A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I don't fit in with my family.I understand to an extent that it just comes with my age. I mean I've heard the "It's just a phase" line countless times for pretty much everything. Even knowing that I can't help but feel left out. I don't enjoy the same things that bring my dad and brother closer together and I'm not as sympathetic towards my mom, blaming every mistake she makes on a different mental disorder. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with my family. We're not impoverished, my parents are mentally stable, no abuse of kind. The family completely functional, and it doesn't sit well with me how much I dislike their company. For a while, I've been able to kinda just sit through family dinner and events with minimal enthusiasm and a bit of contribution to the conversation too. But that's where our differences really glare. My family is for the most part, a very religious family. Mass every Sunday and other important days, prayers before every meal, my brother even teaches a class at the local Church. I'm atheist, have been for years now, but my parents just found out a couple weeks ago and I don't think anything will ever be the same. I've been able to deal with our differences before this, but this is just too much. It was bad enough being called "whitewashed" and "Americanized" as if they're looking down on me (my family is Vietnamese), but now they've discovered that our beliefs are at odds. Then there's my brother, the shining pinnacle of everything they wanted. He's a devout catholic, he makes straight A's in all of his honor classes, he's going to be a doctor, and most of all he's a "True Vietnamese." To say I'm not jealous would be a lie, no matter how much I hate to admit it.So now here we are, I've typed up these couple paragraphs and bottom line is that I'm confused, I'm angry, and I don't know what to do. I'm not completely sure what I'm even asking for.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 April 2014):
 Well, if this can be of any comfort to you, you are the True Vietnamese : atheist. Since 1976 Vietnam adopted officially State atheism. Unofficially... the wide majority of the population would be Mahayana Buddhists, with just a small minority of Catholics,... so when you - or they- identify true, not " whitewashed " Vietnamese with Catholics, no disrespect meant, but, it sounds quite funny. First, they aren't that many, second, who do you think brought and circulated Catholicism in Vietnam ?... White, very white French missionaries.
But, I would not bring this up , and I would not make this a bone of contention.
You are angry, you are confused , - and ( you will hate me for saying that :)) you are 16-17. That's what it boils down to. Not in the sense that it is " just a phase ", it is totally possible that in time you'll stay an atheist, you'll stay.. not a doctor, and you'll keep feeling that you won't have much in common , intellectually, ideologically or spiritually , with your family members.
But in time, you'll also realize that this is not a problem at all. It MAY be a problem until you are so young and maybe your parents are still sort of tryng to mold you at their image and resemblance , and to pass on you their values - why are you angry about that ?, that's part of their job description as parents, basically : teach you, or at least expose you to,the things they care about. This does not mean that you have to embrace them too, and that as long as you mature and grow and become independent, you are not entitled to adopt all different positions in religion, politics, social values, etc.etc. and see them respected. But, respect first to be respected. Accept that they have chosen things for their life that work for them and not for you- end of story. Which also means no arrogance, no hissy fits, no sulking, no eye rolls etc.
Family ties and family feelings do not have to be based on an identity of views an values, most people can keep an emotional bond also when one brother is right wing and the other is left wing , or one is a free spirited artist and the other a yuppie type, one is an atheist and the other a
Christian, etc.etc., it happens all the time. Having an emotional bond is not based on ideas . You may object that some times blood is NOT thicker than water, one, try as he might, does not feel connected,does not feel bonded, does not even feel even vaguely INTERESTED in his family members. Yeah that happens too- and it's not a drama either. Families are families of the heart, you have years and years to find kindred spirits , soul brothers among your friends or colleagues or whomever you'll meet who'll belong to your true HEART family. That does not mean that your blood family needs to be ostracized or judged or looked down at - because they committed the crime of not being like you, of not being YOU. Respect and acceptance is the key- show respect, show acceptance,show gratitude, show compassion , and you'll be repaid in kind.
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