A
male
age
36-40,
*and_z
writes:I am in desperate need of advice.I began seeing this girl back in the winter of 2007. We became official before christmas of 07 on the phone when she was in her hometown. She called me and asked me what we were because some guy was 'chasing her hard', taken back I thought we were dating, but I guess I was wrong, and out of impulse I said we were boyfriend and girlfriend. When she came back to the city we were living in, we ended up breaking up confusingly harshly a week later. We lasted all of a couple weeks.I ended up not speaking to her for a month until I gave in on one of her calls to see how she was doing. We went for a walk and she proclaimed that she loved me and that I was the one for her. Taken back I was like WTF? We hung out hooked up and then I was like ok this is weird I'm done, she came back crying and crying and I took her back. We had a good time for a couple months but something felt off. Our good months to me looking back was strictly isolated and sexual. I really didn't date or get to know her like I should have. Everything was raw sex.She was heading out of town and I was staying at her pad so my roommate could hook up with his girl from out of town. I ended up snooping through her laptop and found out she slept with some guy back during christmas time (the same time we became bf/gf) and hung out with this dude behind my back and then dated him for a month long-distance and then they split up and she came back to me. Basically she screwed that guy before me because she was saying she wanted to wait for religious reasons, blah, blah, blah. I know, I'm a moron.So anyhow after a couple month emotional roller coaster, which I admit I fucked up because I just didn't stay away, I kept going back for more myself... I became one of those stupid people who breeds. I was cool with the kid but at the time things were so questionable as she went back home around the time she supposedly got pregnant, and her behavior was really confusing, one thing led to the next and things got bad fast. I didn't talk to her for two weeks and then went back because I felt bad about the kid and wanted to do what was right for that kid.Well she made a plan to ditch town and put me in a position of panic because at that point I didn't know what to do since she busted out and did her own thing even though I was trying to tell her things would be ok, we both had good jobs, and things weren't that bad, only the distrust was bad. My friends advised me not to follow for a variety of reasons so I listened to them. I mean I had/have a good job and a good life, but she decided to quit her job and leave she gave up her insurance and all kinds of stuff. Looking back at it, it was wrong of her to do so but if I were in her shoes and had the instability of our situation, I would have made the same decision.Well we haven't been together for a year and mostly we had just fought basically it was her asking me what I was going to do after she had made a decision to do her own thing without me throughout the pregnancy which really hurt. I wanted to see my kid but we were on opposite ends of the country. she didn't work and lived off the state all the while busting my balls asking me how I was going to be apart of my kids life yadda yadda yadda.The place she lives sucks, not for me, so I was prepared to do the long distance thing but for sure I want to be there for the kid. I'll be honest long distance is real bullshit and nearly impossible to really care about matters.Anyhow we see each other at the birth and then again a couple months after. She wants to be together because she loves me and all this other jazz, same crap as before. She also wants to be a family and wants to do what is right for the kid. Yeah ok I get it, I'm with it. We argued about the cost and I finally said F it and moved on, I wasn't going to pay for that crap, sure I'll pay child support and I'll come around in my life when I can make the necessary changes for the kid, but I mean literally I had no control legally or in the context of our relationship so what could I do, fine, shit sucked but whatever, gotta deal with it.Well two months later she shows up on my doorstep with the kid going, I have no job, no place to live, and all this other shit, so of course I take her in cause she's got my kid and I'm going to do what I have to do to take responsibility for the kid no doubt. She had told me a month before and I told her no numerous times not to come and that it wasn't an option but here she came making things complicated. I did everything from changing my number to telling her the girls I hooked up with in the past year since some how she still thought we were some how together and had a relationship. So now she's sitting in my apt and I gotta find a new one. She isn't working and wants to be a stay at home mom and play 'wife'.My life is together career wise and financially, I kept it together because of the kid, even though I'm not 100% happy with it and personally thats a dif story given this situation. Given the econ I did the best that I could. I have a lot of good friends but I have exhausted my friendships out over this ordeal and its just not good and sad all in itself.When I told her about girls I hooked up with when we were not together and she flipped and said we were still together even though I say she ran away from her responsibility and all my friends say she's nuts, which well says more about me then her. But then she said she forgave me and that she loved me and that she wanted to move forward.At the end of the day the kid is great and I would have another kid even though I had to deal with all this drama because it is a special and awesome experience no doubt.I'm caught in the complex where the sex is great with this chick but the rest just fucking sucks. And I like the idea of a fam and all that jazz but the way its being stuffed down my throat and being brought in and out of my life is BS..... I'm just confused what to do and whats going on with this situation.... She told me she left because she wanted to be supported and I get that no big deal but when I met her fam they weren't the best of folks. After birth her mom hit the highway only a couple minutes after the kid popped out. Noone really visited her in the hospital and her fam is kind of weird and has issues. My fam for the kid would love to see the kid but haven't had the chance because of the distance and I don't live in the same town as my birth fam.Basically in a fucked up way I have emotional attachment to this chick, but feel so fucked over and controlled that I have a lot of resentment and anger, I've broken up with this chick numerous times and she has been very stalkerish psycho about getting back with me, once she broke into me and my roommates house... Like just not good... So I'm confused because when I first met her she seemed like a good chick but going through all this with her and having a kid with her, man I just don't get it.I mean at this point she wanted to live with strangers and have our kid around strangers and I wasn't comfortable with that so I'm having her stay with me and maybe we can fix this shit but I don't know because I have a lot of distrust and unanswered, uneasy emotions towards her through all of this.Maybe someone can give me a positive spin on this because I just don't get it?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (1 October 2009):
 Dear Jand_z,
I am very happy if anything I said was any help to you. I really feel for you because I sense your feelings of isolation and I am sorry your friends can't be available as an emotional "stabilizer" for you while you endure this.
I can tell you that (while you might not see it yet) there IS light at the end of the tunnel. You will combat the feelings of helplessness if you can "keep your eyes on the prize", and take the actions you need to so you can ensure that you and your daughter are protected; so you can remain a strong bridge to stability and well-being for her.
You CAN do this. It will be worth it.
Good luck and stay strong.
Lola1
A
male
reader, jand_z +, writes (30 September 2009):
jand_z is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for all of your responses.
I did get her to take a DNA test immediately after the kid was born. I did not put my name on the birth certificate and its still not on the birth certificate.
Many of my friends are upset the I let her into my apartment the way things have happened and things have since become worse because I feel like I lost my friends on the matter since they are tired of the situation themselves. I don't blame them.
I agree with one of the readers, I have just gone with the flow as in 'not caring'. I have cared I have just felt overwhelmed as to what to do with the situation at hand because it is insane and I just haven't been able to muster up the balls to be a jerk in the situation, hoping mostly that things would iron out.
I have told her we did not have an emotional connection. She thinks I can get over that and blames all of it on our 'past' and says we'll get over it. I don't love her, I do love the sex, which is clearly identified as the problem here for me.
At the end of the day I have asked her to leave but she doesn't have a job, and she doesn't have a place to live, thus it leaves me in a bind because I don't think the kid should be without her mom since she is already really much attached to the mom so its very difficult and I don't want to shake up the babies stability, at least the stability she has as it is rather then being in custody somewhere else or whatever living on the street or in a womans shelter or with some strangers. I really just don't want to be a jerk. When I have gone down that path with her, she has said that I am walking out on our daughter, which is absolute bullshit, because that kid has always been my concern.
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A
male
reader, jand_z +, writes (30 September 2009):
jand_z is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLola1 - You hit it on the money.
Sadly my friends didn't understand the situation and told me to essentially leave it alone, don't answer the door, forget about it, f her she's crazy, etc, but when I think of the kid, especially after you hold the kid after its born, I just can't leave it be the way it has been and its depressingly stressful, but necessary to be there for the kid.
I know I made a lot of mistakes and I know this whole situation makes me just as insane as her when I talk about it (Heartbroken in love). I know, I fucked up, I know and no her names not Lisa.
My biggest problem is losing my temper on the reality spin and the emotional games that have been played thus far. It's hard not to lose my cool and want to throw in the towel and walk away from it, but you gave some real, real good advice Lola1 - thank you.
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A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (30 September 2009):
Whoa... I don't think anyone can fully "get" it.
Okay (big deep breath)... We are going to avoid succumbing to the temptation to pointout all of your idiotic moves here. ;-) You appear to recognize your part in this, and so that will be a waste of time.
Let's cut to what matters.
1) She is unstable and unpredictable. You don't want to get your life any more intertwined with her than need be because you will not find happiness there. Think of her as an emotional vampire who will suck you dry of hope, sense and peace of mind.
2) She's the mother of your kid.
Ordinarily, I advise being upfront, honest and open. This is generally a fabulous recipe for a healthy and happy life. I do not respect sneakiness or manipulation, however I am usually discussing issues involving relatively emotionally stable people.
If it were me in your shoes, your child’s welfare is where my concerns would lie. You are a man. As a father, you have to (at least in Ontario, Canada, and so I suspect it’s the same where you are) prove she is unable to care for that child before you can get full custody.
Proof is considered evidence of drug-addiction or serious mental illness, for example. The evidence you have stated so far will mean nothing to your cause in a court of law.
Since she seems to have a wacked out family and no friends (who are worthwhile), YOU are that child's ONLY BRIDGE to sanity, stability and financial and emotional well-being. It sucks to be the only one, but sadly that's the price for past mistakes with this girl. You sound responsible, so I am inclined to think that child is lucky to have you in their life.
If it were me wearing your shoes, I would try to make the best out of a bad situation. That means I might stick it out with this woman until such time as I could ensure this child’s life is going to be a good one. I would prefer full custody. This is the best way to prevent her taking off with your baby again. However, there may be other options open to you.
Make a home for this child and his/her mother. Do not argue with the woman about petty things that don’t matter. “Keep your eyes on the prize”. Avoid getting sucked into her psychotic spin on reality. If “keeping the peace” means you let her think you’ll all be a happy family forever, then for the time being, let her think that. Why shouldn’t you be the manipulator for a change, since it is for your child’s well-being that you will work?
Avoid having sex with her. Practice safe sex with this woman if you must have sex (in order to have things work for you and this child). Avoid getting buried in with more children to worry about and do not allow her to share anymore DNA with future children.
While you are doing this, investigate your legal options and take the child for a DNA test (if need be), so that there is a paper trail of your rights as a father.
Is your name on his/her birth certificate? Order a copy of his/her birth certificate for your own secret records. She doesn’t need to know what you are doing. If you have to disclose anything, just say that since your name is not on the birth certificate and you love this baby so much, you just want everyone to know you are his/her daddy, or say that because these documents are important, you want to have two copies on file, just in case. Say this with an easy smile to disarm her and don’t discuss it again.
You are a smart man. You will think of ways to protect that child, which should now be your highest priority.
When you are confident the child can not be taken from your safe influence, you can leave this woman.
It is possible that while focusing on your child’s well-being, she stabilizes, but if it does not happen, you will have been laying the ground work for your child’s protection should you two separate.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Candleman +, writes (30 September 2009):
 Sorry man, I can't put a positive spin on this.
You don't love the girl, hell, I'd venture to say you don't really like her when you analyze her personality. She's unstable, lying and desperate. Trusting her would be virtually impossible at this point. Take the sex out of the equation and what are you left with? Unfortunately a child, but a child won't erase the fact that your relationship with this woman has no foundation that a good relationship needs to sustain itself.
First thing I would do is get a paternity test to make sure that you are the dad. From what you've said, it is possible you are not.
Assuming you are the dad...
The biggest problem is she is very desperate. She tried to go back home and be independent, or have support from her family there, but that didn't work out. Very desperate, she comes to you.
You can not trust desperate people because they will say what is necessary to gain the security that they need. Trying to establish a relationship at this point w/ her past deceit and her desperation will be one huge obstacle to overcome.
Personally, I would work on getting the desperation solved. Allow her to stay with you, but demand that she gets a job. If she can get a decent job, combined with your child support, then her desperation diminishes. She can then be self-sufficient and living close to you means you two can both see the child and she is not completely alone in raising the child.
With her desperation eased, then you stand a better chance at actually creating a relationship with this woman. Trust will be easier to come by and a new foundation can possibly be laid.
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2009): This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at all. Your child will be better off not being raised in such drama as well.You have a child together and the sex is good. This gives you a connection but you need more than that to have a healthy relationship. My advice is do right by your child and get visitations and pay support but save your heart for a girl you can have a happy life with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2009): I did a quick google, check this out as a start.
http://fatherhood.about.com/cs/custodyissues/
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2009): Alright, I read through your whole, lengthy letter. You've got yourself in a kinky situation. But the things that are clear to me is that you need to start taking action and control over your life. You sound like you don't care much, and go along "with all that jazz" a whole lot of the time. Stop that. Start to care. Take action. Make decisions and stick to them. First off: how can you be sure that is in fact your child? I know it can be hard to deal with now that you've bonded with this kid, but it might not be yours. That means at whatever point, she can take that child away from you. You need to secure yourself! Have a test taken to prove you are the father. Then you absolutely should have gotten legal advice and help LONG time ago! You have rights as a father. Read up on them! She is not allowed to take your child away from you, and move around like she does, once you have legal rights to the child. At the moment, you have robbed yourself of all your rights. Claim them back! Get legal help! Get a lawyer. Go to court and get 50% rights to the child. When you have those rights on paper, she will not be able to take your kid away anymore, and you will not have to worry that she leaves again.Second: The relationship you have with her. I will advice you to stop being intimate with her. Live with her and the child as much as you like, but stop pretending you have a relationship. If you want a relationship you need to build it from the scratch. Sounds like all you have with her is sex, and no emotional connection. She claims she loves you? Well she also left you to live on the other side of the country, didnt let you see her when she was pregnant, and not to forget: she's been unfaithful. Not that you had any right to snoop on her computer, but that doesnt matter in the big picture. Her behaviour non the less does not show affection and love. It sounds self-centered. Take action. Get help. Make sure you really are the father and secure your rights as a father. Stop having sex with her until you find out what type of relationship you have/want with this woman.
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A
female
reader, eml2041 +, writes (30 September 2009):
Well, that is a messed up situation. First question which I'm sure you've already been asked. Are you 100% sure its your child? DNA test? Because honestly she sounds like the kind of girl that isn't always the most up front and you sound like you've got your shit together pretty we and that is a very attractive quality to a girl who just found out she's pregnant and may or may not really know who the daddy is. If in fact the child is yours, have you considered getting custody of the baby? Would it be possible for you to relocate closer to your family so that they may be able to help out? A child needs a stable environment and she doesn't sound like she is providing one. If that isn't an option and she keeps custody, she may be able to benefit from counseling of some sort, not saying she's looney tunes nuts but she may need someone to talk out her own issues with. I understand that you have feelings for her it would be impossible not to at this point but thats not always enough. And the absolute number one concern here is the child. Followed by your own well being, then hers. And if she has taken over your apartment and you don't want her there maybe try helping her find a new place, a part-time job, assistance with the baby. See if you can be creative to make her comfortable with moving out. Hope this helped. Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2009): 1st off, if you haven't already, please get a paternity test done. next, if the kid is yours, and you would like to raise it without crazy in the picture, fight her for custody. You will need to kick her out and get a restraining order. Most importantly, do NOT allow anything sexual to happen between you and crazy ever again. Until the sex stops, she will think you are 'together
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A
female
reader, LemonPuff  +, writes (30 September 2009):
 Wow! Not a great environment to bring a kid into. I wouldn't have another one unless you can make the relationship stable. Which by the sounds of it will take a lot of work. The big question you have to ask yourself is do you love this woman? And can you forgive her for sleeping with another man when you were supposed to be an item? If it's yes then forget everything that has happened and try and start from fresh. Stop the relationship being purely about sex and arrange some times to go out and do things to get to know her better.If the answer is no then you need to tell her so she understands that you will never be an item. And make her stand on her own 2 feet rather than using the child as a bargaining chip to live free of charge with you.At the end of the day you should be thinking about what is best for your child. I wish you the best of luck and hope you sort things out :D
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A
male
reader, Xtreme  +, writes (30 September 2009):
 I feel sorry abt ur love story but just think over the whole matter once more,she is wrong but u too r not so good when u can't stop ur sexual feelings then how could she,now forget abt the past think abt ur future and both of u get married now promise each other not to hurt. Good luck but plz marry her i feel sorry for her.
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A
male
reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (30 September 2009):
ok o couldn't even finish reading b4 deciding this girl is crazy. and so are you. her name isn't lisa by chance?
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