A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a 24 year old woman who has been in relationship with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years. We live together, share finances, pets everything! But over the past year we have had sex less than 5 times, don't even kiss apart from on the cheek and hug rarely. And it just doesn't seem to bother him and I don't and have never really thought too much about sex so it doesn't bother me.Also for example we went to the store tonight and my boyfriend walked out when I chose to include 2 chocolate bars in our weekly shopping before he walked out he told me my skin looks terrible and he wont be staying around if my bum gets big and I don't eat healthy. So basically he isn't concerned so much for my health but hes concerned that i will get fat and he'll have to dump me i guess?He also recently split up our joint account savings and suggested we open our own savings bank accounts so that "if we ever split up its crystal clear whose money is whose" his exact words.I really feel like my confidence is failing, he puts me down an awful lot, I am not fat im actually petite and slim and i know im not ugly but he makes me feel like i dont want to try at life anymore.Part of the reason i dont want to do anything about all of the above issues is ive felt the pain of heart break before and i just dont know how i'd get through it again especially since ive been with my boyfriend for 4 years. Please help, i need advice on my issues with him... please :(
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confidence, his ex, money, petite, puts me down, split up Reply to this Question
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female
reader, ladyRi  +, writes (4 November 2010):
Hi, he's definately leaving you soon, before he does that, quitely make up ur mind and be prepared for what you know is coming your way. And rather plan for a better life without him
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): OP most of us guys who have posted are telling you what he's up to, that he's going to leave. Trust us, it's exactly what we'd do but we'd be a hell of a lot nicer about.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): Yeah he's putting everything in motion for an easy exit.
He's stopped making any kind of effort in the relationship, he's critical of you and the things he is saying are all leading to an out for him. He said if you get fat then he's gone, he's no doubt said other reasons why he might leave too. He's no doubt criticized a lot of things about you, so he can blame you for why he leaves.
Let me make this clear to you, he is definitely, without a shadow of a doubt preparing to leave you and it seems like he's wanted to for a long time now. I think you already know this but are just scared of the heart break that it will bring so are looking for solutions to it, but there is none.
You know what's going to happen, you know you can fight it but that fighting it will only drag it out longer. Perhaps you don't mind dragging it out just to stave off the inevitable heart break. But what you don't realize is that you're slowly but surely having your heart crushed anyway, not only that but your living with a man who doesn't love you and is putting you down all the time. This relationship as been over a long time, you know this. It's time for you to do the same as he's doing and prepare to go.
Put everything in motion so that when the time comes you can just go with very little fuss.
OP it's gotten so bad he's putting you down for buying two chocolate bars, 2 fecking chocolate bars!!!
It's up to you to decide how long you want to drag out this dead relationship, you're heart is already broken. You need to get out of this sooner rather than later so you can begin the process of healing. All this time you have spent and probably will spend trying to mend what can't be fixed would be better spent getting yourself together and starting to build a new life and new relationships. This one is going nowhere, he's going backwards in terms of commitment, and frankly OP what you're fighting for no longer exists.
Don't be afraid of the pain of the break up. It's quick and painful like tearing off a plaster, staying in a loveless relationship constantly berated, constantly being put down and slowly watching it all crumble away is a long and far more painful process. That will leave you a wreck with no faith confidence and you will just be jaded from the whole thing.
Start taking your life back and start putting together the conditions to make the transition out of this relationship run smoothly for you. He's already doing it so it will be easier in a practical sense. Tell family and friends that you're planning to leave and have places to stay and emotional support set up for when you go. Change your focus to this and don't waiver from this goal. It's going to happen anyway so you might aswell make sure you take control of it to make it as easy for you as you can. This control will give you a sense of confidence that will no longer have if you spend another year or so in this horrible non exist ant relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): If youve felt heartbreak before, im wondering if youve put 110% of yourself into this relationship. The fact that youre not bothered about affection and sex, suggests that you might have held back and not been as loving as you could be. Its just a thought but are you affectionate? Do you ever try and initiate sex? He might have withdrawn because he felt there was no spark from you. If you arent bothered about that, he can be forgiven for thinking you dont really care about him. If he knows you were in love before, he might also think you arent over it. And you are using him because you dont want to be alone. Guys do pick up on things!
Being horrible to you is childish, but it could be his way of expressing his anger/resentment. A lot of good relationships suffer and end on the cross of... I Loved My Ex and Cant Get Over It. Be sure yours isnt one of them.
If you really want this relationship to start working. Put aside your past and show this guy that its him you want. Let him know you love and desire him before its too late. I hope things work out ok.
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A
male
reader, Griffo +, writes (3 November 2010):
 Yeah, he's about to leave. I would talk to him and ask him about his feelings toward you.myth not to get too upset or argumentative it will become a mess if you do. Be rational.
It is common for somebody to fall out of love. So you must be strong and understanding about this. If he wants to go let him. At least you tried your best.
I think it's cruel if he's tormenting you even if you are slim and petit. don't worry men love your type women hate his style. Yo should be able to eat and do what ever you want, not be dictated to by a looser who dosent know what he's got ... Until he looses her.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): how terrible that you are suffering like this. You have a right to be treated far better than he is treating you. Is he suffering depression? If yes, then encourage him to get treatment. However if he is not depressed and in need of treatment, the rest that follows applies: In your heart you know it's over. It's an opportunity for you to start anew. Once you leave, do make a booking to go and get yourself some lovely pampering at a day spa. There will be new doors that will open once this man exits your life. And truly your country has gorgeous lovely men. Far nicer than he is behaving. He would like you to leave first so he can act the victim, and not be the one to take responsibility for his actions. Starting to unjustly criticise you is so unfair and wrong on his part. He is trying to shut you out of his life (money split up is a dead give away). And he is controlling (the choc bar scene). And he is trying to pick a fight so that you will leave him. Which tells you he does not have the courage to confront, discuss, negotiate and work through his own problems like anadult.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (3 November 2010):
 He's getting ready to fly the coop in my opinion.
That's what happens when you neglect the romance/sex/affection aspect in a long term relationship... You both got too comfortable and sound more like roommates than lovers. Good chance you can keep him interested, but you're going to have to break boring routines, do different activities, go different places, surprise him randomly, try a little romance, be unexpected... have some sex for god's sake... you guys aren't 70 years old. 5 times in a year... what a waste of a year :)
You're quite capable of putting the spark back into this relationship- though it may take you out of your comfort zone and a lot of effort.
Goodluck!
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A
female
reader, sophiejayne  +, writes (3 November 2010):
From what it looks like i think your boyfriend is going through a stage where he things everythings going a bit fast and is getting a bit of stage fright. I totally agree with how you would have felt if my partner had of told me he'd leave me if i got fat! I think that is totally out of order and i think you should confront him about that. Maybe by you letting him basically walk all over you, he thinks that he can do and say whatever he wants, which a very bad thing. You need to stand up for yourself more often, maybe not so much that it will cause an argument, but just make him understand that you are not going to let him walk all over you and treat you like rubbish. From my previous experience with boyfriends, they can sometimes start acting up so that you end the relationship so they don't have to. If that is the case, again confront him. Ask him how he feels about the relationship. It's always better to have your feelings out on the table so you know exactly where this relationship is going, rather than to keep it bottled up and not have a clue whats going on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): He needs to address his issues with you in a more mature manner. He's putting a lot of emotion into things that dont even need it. He gest upset about chocolate (yeah sure Im a fiend for reisens lol) but he cold certainly put what he said in better, more meaningful terms like "hey babe I do care about your health and I feel this is too much choc so I think itd be better in moderation"...then he could suggest to share something with you. Make sense?
I think you guys just need a little compromise and with the bank account just say hey we are not married therefore we should just have separate accounts anyway. Break it down to him logically and dont put emotion or energy into it. He should do the same for you and hopefully things turn out better here. Good luck.
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