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age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Hello everyone.Before I begin, I realize I am opening myself up to a firestorm of very harsh judgment, name calling and comments from Dear Cupid's advice givers and readers.Please do not judge me. We all walk different paths in life and make different choices. You will not be able to understand unless you are in my shoes and situation. And none of you knows me as a person or what led me to this situation. None of us is perfect so please try not to judge me when you are not perfect yourself.Having said that, I am in an affair with a married man. He is a lot older than me. He told me he and his wife have a brother-sister relationship and that is all. He is not attracted to her anymore. She has let herself go. She does not attempt to ever look nice or shop for new clothes. She is overweight and has a cool, professional type demeanour to her. She is like his best friend but the sexual relationship died years ago when she lost interest in sex altogether. She does not like to have sex. She does not like to give blow jobs. She does not like having oral sex performed on her.He tried to ignore his sexual needs for many years and stayed with her because they share a very good friendship. They have no children and were each other's first. He was putting in time with her in a platonic relationship, maybe without even realizing it... until I came along and turned his world upside down. I am a passionate, vibrant and very sexual woman. I am fun, funny, very open sexually, very expressive, have tons of energy and he finds me hot, passionate and beautiful. He to this day cannot believe I am having sex with him because he says I am so beautiful and can have anyone I want.He never aggressively pursued me. It was clear we were both very attracted to each other and if I ever made a move, he would be interested and flirt with me but he just waved it off. In fact, he did nothing. He never responded to my actions in a concrete way. Sometimes he would even ignore me and back away when he felt things were getting too heated. It was me who was the aggressor and eventually it was him who suggested we take our relationship to the next level. Our connection was much too strong for either of us to ignore. We needed to be with each other. I make him feel like a man. I enjoy our time together and have multiple orgasms with him. He says the sex and passion between us is mind blowing and he has never before experienced such passion. I feed his ego. I make him feel good. I make him feel needed and wanted. He craves my touch and attention. Sometimes he just wants to hug me and hold me and he wants me to hold him back. We talk about everything and he is very open with me. We laugh so much together. He is very giving, always concerned about taking care of me and does not focus on himself at all. He just wants to please me and pleasing me he says is enough. Our time together is magical. I know we are free from the mundane things married couples have to deal with because our relationship is fantasy and it is new. But we have an incredible connection both mentally and physically. There is a lot more there than just the physical chemistry. He told me that his relationship with his wife does not compare to our time together. It is boring and ho hum. Ours is exciting and passionate. He says he is confused and realizes he needs to make a choice but he is not sure what to do. He says he needs to think about it a lot because it is a big decision. I feel like I am on top of the world right now but I also feel like I am at the edge and can fall off at any time. It is exhilarating and sometimes painful all at once. Because I am falling in love with him, especially after we have been having sex together, and I am constantly worrying I am setting myself up for heartache even though my heart has a mind of its own and it wants to believe in him and the happy ending I so hope for.I am here on this forum because I have kept this all bottled up inside. It is not easy being in an affair as the other woman. And I have nobody to talk to about this because I am with a married man and nobody would listen or empathize. I would just get called names and be judged but it is a very heavy weight for me to carry. As much as it feels exciting and wonderful, I also feel very alone sometimes.I know the typical text book married man ending for the other woman. Pain and devastation. Never leaves the wife. The other woman will be discarded...My question is: Does it always have to end this way?He told me once he could not be involved with me after we had slept together and he pretty much walked away. He said he could not live that kind of a life. I was hurt but I told him I understood. A few weeks went by and he came back to me. He wanted to start seeing me again because he said he did not realize how much he really cared about me until he let me go. I still had feelings for him and I wanted to be with him. So we continued our relationship.Is there ever a time that the married man has lived in a sexless, unfulfilling marriage and it took the right person to come along to let him know that he has been living a lie? That he was never really happy missing that kind of passion and connection in his marriage? And now he has it with another woman? Is this not possible?Many people stay married but are unhappy. Sometimes the right one comes along despite being married. Being married does not make you immune to finding the right one. We do not always marry the right one.Any advice or comments would be appreciated. But truly.... calling me a whore or home wrecker or judging me is not why I came here.I came here to ask you if there are married men out there who are not cheaters just to cheat but because they are unhappy and are looking to be happy? Can there be a happy ending for some people?Thank you for trying to be kind and for listening.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2013): You might not be a bunny boiler like Glen Close but you are her clone in delusion. It is with 101% certainty that you will disagree, because like Glen Close you are blinded by obsession heavily imprisoned to denial. You need intense psycholgical therapy, I'm serious. It saddens me that you are self-destructing in a critical way. No good can come of your fatal attraction.
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (27 September 2013):
 "I think I just need to come to terms with it on my own" etc - if that's the way you feel, why post here at all?
OP, you've had a huge amount of feedback (excellent, well thought-out comments that people have taken significant time to compose) that you're simply ignoring. I agree with Tisha that you just seem to be after attention/ an audience.
While I still wish you well (as I wish every human being well), I think that offering you any further advise is, sadly, a complete waste of time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2013): You can lead'em to water but you can't make'em think.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (27 September 2013):
 OP, I went back and re-read some of your many posts on this topic. I found this quote very telling: "He has told me from day one that he is not leaving his wife." from this post: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/married-man-dumped-me-and-i-am-feeling.html so you have known that he will never leave his wife in the first place.
Are you on meds that interfere with your ability to make good choices? "I'm only human" "I can't help it" "I hope I can make a wiser choice someday" …. I'm paraphrasing but that seems to be the general tenor of your posts.
I think CindyCares is spot on when she wrote: "He has " chosen " you because you are the only one vulnerable enough to send off vibes/transmit signals / initiate approaches indicating that you felt bad enough ( about yourself ,or your life ) to even consider this aged Lothario as a viable sex partner." You 'won' him because no one else wants him.
So we are back on your drama again, you are running through the same rationalizations and words and nothing has changed, other than you seem to want people to feel sorry for you. You can't talk to people you know about it and it's killing you not to share your giddiness.
And yes, yes, yes, none of us know you, blah blah blah, yet here you are asking us yet again about this guy, so you must think we have something to offer you. I think it's basically an audience you want, not actual advice.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 September 2013):
 That you are mentally sane, I believe it. That you are fully aware of reality, not so much.
It seems to me that in just two months your " addiction " has already impaired your capacity for lucid , objective evaluation of reality.
For instance, you are jealous , and feel threatened by other women. He has " chosen " you among the pretty girls of the office, but what if- you think- he meets someone as young and pretty as you, or more ?...
Well, your preoccupation is really misplaced. What do you think, there would be a queue of pretty, young girls elowing each other for the privilege of sleeping with an old jealous controlling deceiptful MARRIED man ?...lol.
He has " chosen " you because you are the only one vulnerable enough to send off vibes/transmit signals / initiate approaches indicating that you felt bad enough ( about yourself ,or your life ) to even consider this aged Lothario as a viable sex partner.
There's no accounting for tastes, so if you this kind of guys , oh well . But a moment of lucidity probably would suggest you that , generally speaking, most women in your age bracket and situation would never touch him with a ten feet pole, so the jealous paranoia is out of order.
Another point where you struggle staying on a rational, ojective path is that , after only two months, you are already very concerned about how much it will last, and if he will really leave his wife for you, and if you'll be a mistress with a happy ending- this was the original question, right ?- when at the same time, you aknowledge that you would not WANT such happy ending.
Because , wisely, in time you'd rather leave to the legitimate , unsexy wife, the pleasures to attend to the necessities of a 99% probability impotent , and quite possibly infirm and ailing, octuagenarian. It's the cold , boring, unexciting wife who'd stick around to strain the vegetables for his soup , change his diapers, dab his spittle etc. etc. That's exactly one of the charms of this poor lady : loyalty. He knows that SHE will be still there when his dick will become limp nd his bladder impredictable, but you won't. You'll only be there for the good times.
Not that I blame you, in fact I commend you for at least having the common sense to realize that once the sexual thrills, the fun times wear off- you would not want any part of the unsexy, boring, dull, even disgusting ones.
But then, what's the point of the whole post ? why obsessing about the possibility of a common future, which you would not even TAKE if he should be dumb enough to offer it to you ?
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female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (27 September 2013):
 I know you've had a lot of responses but here's my opinion.
He is a devious cheating husband.
He has used every line in the book and aggressively pursued you.
If his wife is so cold, frigid and clinical and they have no children and he is so unhappy yet his time with you is so special, why does he stay with her?
Wake up, my love, he's using you and I bet things aren't as bad at home as he'd have you believe.
Not all affairs end in pain and misery for the mistress, occasionally that is saved for the poor wife.
But please remember, a leopard never changes his spots, if he's cheated on her he will at some point cheat on you, telling the new mistress the same story about you that you believe about his wife.
A friend of mine was in an identical relationship and she hung on in there for 10 years, believing his lies. Eventually his wife found out and it transpired that my friend was not his only "mistress". His wife kicked him out and he dumped all his mistresses and pursued his wife begging her to take him back.
My friend was devastated and it took her some time to get over the loss of the future she had imagined them having together.
Don't waste your life on a man who is not free to be yours.
Move on, if his feelings for you are genuine he will divorce his wife and pursue you. At least then your relationship will be an honest one. As too whether he'll be faithful to you, well only time will tell.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2013): When you are having an affair with a guys wife all you know about her is what he tells you. You already know he is ready willing and able to lie about everything involved in this. Has he told you the age old classic about her not understanding him?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2013): "unlike her" Oh yeah? How many times have you spoken to her and gotten to know her?
OP please stop demonising a woman based on what, in your own words, a controlling, insecure, wrinkly balled lying cheat has told you.
You seem to dismiss the notion that if she is that way then maybe it stems from being married to a guy like him. It's not as if he loves her, cares about her or is in any way protective of her, he sounds like an asshole to her OP, he certainly likes to paint her as a complete bitch, or is that just you? Is this you dehumanising her to make her a better enemy? He's an asshole who is playing the "poor me" sob story bullshit to bed a younger, fresher woman.
In that sense I really can see the Fatal Attraction comparison.
Alex was full on immersed in the dangerous illusion that Beth was a piece of shit ruining Dan's life and she was the solution to this problem. I mean how could she not be if Dan was willing to have a one night stand with her? She must be a shit wife who doesn't deserve him, just like how you feel.
OP you come across as a very well thought out, insightful person, you do see the reality of what is happening quite well but this major part of the delusion has you completely fooled most likely because you so badly need for her to be a complete bitch to ease your conscience. So don't dismiss the Alex analogy too soon, there are many comparisons.
Both of you are women who don't care you hurt to get what you want. Neither of you have any empathy, in fact you have a disgust bordering on hatred for a woman you don't even know. You both operate on delusions based on what you want to be true rather than complete reality of the situation, you both see him cheating as proof that you're the better woman and above all you choose to live in that delusion by "overlooking the bad", you know you're doing this and being this way on purpose.
Now you may not want to kill anyone, boil pets or break into his house but you're perfectly willing to ruin the life of a woman you don't know to get what you want. You're willing to tear apart a family for self gratification. The only difference between you and Alex is her psychotic nature and how far she took it, but in all other ways you're that other woman that she was.
OP again, I'm not judging you, I'm not saying you're a bad person but please stop justifying this indirectly by dehumanising his wife. You choose to ignore the bad points on purpose, that's fine, but at least acknowledge to yourself what you're doing or you'll be more like Alex than you want to be.
Do you know what it's like to have such a long marriage break up so badly? Do you know what it's like to be cheated on and have the world you've spent decades building up torn down by that one event?
Then how you can say you're that much better than Alex? Break ups that severe are like grieving a death OP. Many, many people in that situation have committed suicide, killed their kids or have never recovered from it. You're playing with another person's life and you think she deserves it. Now you tell me that's nothing like Alex Forrest.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt is OP.To the last poster...Whoa!!! Hold your horses!!!I am in no way like Glenn Close!!! That is a ridiculous statement. With all due respect, you do not KNOW me.I, unlike her, AM SANE enough to know what I am dealing with and that it is hurtful to me. I realize I need to move on from this toxic situation. I am not obsessed with HIM but rather with the HIGH he gives me. And vise versa. It is an addiction. Let's be honest. But if he left me tomorrow, I would not chase him or break into his home and boil a rabbit!! NO WAY!!! I have moved on before without incident... But exiting this kind of a situation is much easier said than done. There are forces in my life... I suppose you can call it self medication... that brought me to this affair. I am getting something out of it. So is he. So we have both chosen to overlook the bad and go with the good. I know, I am setting myself up. I know this.In reality, he would not be a good match for me as a life partner. He is much too controlling and insecure and our 20 year age difference would come into play, maybe not now but in a few year's time. I am not sure he will be able to keep up with my high sex drive forever.So.... yes, I am aware of reality. I think I just need to come to terms with it on my own and make the decision to leave on my own terms, when I am ready. I am hoping that day will be SOONER and not LATER.Thank you for caring, though. I know you mean well. But the Glenn Close comment was over the top...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2013): Yes of course there are men who leave their wives for other women.But your man seems to he too coward to do that. The men who actually leave, have the confidences to leave. They don't care about looking like a selfish a$$hole for having cheated and run off with another woman. They don't care what other people think of them. I am not saying if this is good or bad, it just is.The men who do care what other people will think of them are the ones who hesitate and try to find a way to get what they want without anyone knowing. I.e. having an affair and wanting to keep it as an affair.This has nothing to do with how "good" of a person you or his wife are. It is purely about his needs and his fears, which determine what decision he will take. That means its out of your control since it has nothing to do with you. I think it is detrimental to your mental health and well being to have your happiness be controlled by what someone else os going through internally rather than what's going on between you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2013): You remind me of the character Glen Close played in the movie "Fatal Attraction." I'm not being mean but please seek psychological counseling as it will open your eyes to seeing how toxic this entire situation is for you, and it will assist you with detaching yourself from this toxic mess such that you are able to move forward to a healthy state of being. Right now you're a train off the track racing out of control, an inevitable disasterous train wreck to be if you don't take heed and pull yourself back on track IMMEDIATELY!
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 September 2013):
The very best way to remain sane would be to dump the cheater and move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt is OP.To the last poster, I do understand what you are saying and I agree. And I am sorry you are going through this. It cannot be easy at all. Let me tell you that I am already always worrying about him falling prey to another attractive woman. He works with several of them. I am part of a group of "pretty" girls you can say and he has chosen me... maybe for now...Whenever he has to change our plans, I worry and my first thought is, is he with another woman?I would like to think that he is getting plenty of sex from me and that our relationship is so new that he is still excited about it. And the sex we have is mind blowing so I keep thinking he has no need to look elsewhere. But the paranoia is very, very real and hard to deal with... Even if he is not cheating now, I will always have to live with the worry that someday he will. And I will always be questioning everything he says and does. It goes from the elation and high of ecstasy to the deep low of insecurity and feeling alone and used like a play thing. He likes to have control over me. He says he cannot give me too much otherwise I will not be interested anymore. He says that being emotionally distant from me makes me want him more. He is a very insecure guy because he is much older than me and I am very attractive. I used to be a model. He is afraid I will find someone else and he has said this to me. On one hand he tells me I am free to date and on the other he will get upset if another man is paying attention to me and says he would be jealous if I was with another guy.I consider myself the whole package but it does not matter how great I am. This will not change his behaviour and the issues he has within himself which drive him to cheat.I told him I do not trust him and that if he could cheat on his wife of 20 years, he is capable of doing the same thing to me.So I live in fear and insecurity and it eats me up inside... I try not to think about it. This is the only way I can remain sane.I do not know how long I can keep doing this. I have decided the only way I can do this is to separate myself from him emotionally. That is really the only way. Not to care about him the way I do now.
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female
reader, Ne'cee +, writes (26 September 2013):
 As a wife that has been cheated on....its hard to hear this from the other side. Just imagine if you were her. I cant tell you what to do or how to do it, just think about what you are doing to another woman. And what if he leaves his wife for you? Whats going to happen when that HOT new woman shows him that attention and makes him feel wanted and longs for her touch instead of yours? Will you be so accepting. 9 times out of 10 he's telling you things are happening in his relationship isnt the truth and youre probably not the first and certainly wont be the last. If he cheats on his wife of decades, what makes you think you're special. Put yourself in his wifes shoes........have a blessed day and good luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2013): Sweet heart, you seem to have your mind made up. I am not going to judge you.But I do have to say something here. I do not know you but I can see you are setting yourself up for a great deal of pain. I would not wish that upon anyone.Your heart is sacred. It is not meant to be given away so easily and especially not to this kind of a man. From your last post, I have the sense that he is very insecure as a person. His actions have been incredibly selfish all along and I think he has taken advantage of you. You are not in a good place in your life. Needing this little fantasy to be happy? Trust me. He knows it. It is very sad. This affair is feeding his ego. It is making him feel good and reassuring himself that he still has worth... all at the expense of your emotional health, sanity and well being. I do not think it is necessarily due to his age although that is a factor. I think he was probably always insecure.Men like this only think of themselves. They will continue to seek affirmation and reassurance in other women to make themselves feel better. Once your lustre has worn off, he will be onto his next source of reassurance. Please trust me on this.His wife is probably a good woman. He has been married to her all these years, right? If she was that bad, he would not still be in this marriage. If he can cheat on her, and she is HIS WIFE, he can do it to you.I am not saying it is because of anything you have done or said. You may be perfect. You can be the most beautiful woman on earth. You may also be a good person... just like his wife. BUT this is not about you or anyone else. IT IS ABOUT HIM and his OWN INTERNAL ISSUES.Men like this will continue to seek the quick fix. The affair... once one affair becomes stale, they will move onto the next... it is because they believe the affair to be their EPIPHANY, the be all and end all to their own insecurities and problems. Once the affair fog wears off, becomes too real and too much work or the other woman becomes too demanding and bursts the entire FANTASY of the affair bubble, he WILL retreat. And start over again with a new person to get a brand new fix to solve all his OLD PROBLEMS which will never go away. Because he is seeking answers where he cannot find them. In other people. In external sources. NOT IN HIMSELF where the real and true responsibility lies. He needs to confront and speak to his INNER DEMONS... Not run away from them. True happiness will never come for him unless he confronts those, deals with the pain honestly and learns from it and is able to move onto something which truly makes him happy. He is only putting a band aid on his misery and you are it. He needs to look inside himself and he is not doing that and likely never will.Do you really want to wait around until he is the one who tells you he is done with you? Do you really want that? This is what is going to happen. It is just a matter of WHEN. It is best you are the one who walks away. Do it NOW with your own dignity and self respect and most of all SANITY intact.Take good care. I know how horrible this situation is.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2013): It's the OP.To anon female reader: Thank you. Your answers have made the most sense to me and have spoken to me.I am aware of reality and I agree with what you have said. The reason they have no children as he told me is because she did not want kids, never saw herself having kids and was vehemently against becoming a parent. He, on the other hand, did want children, but chose to settle for her choices.I think he and I both know this is a May-December romance and have decided to proceed regardless. The anxiety is clearly there for both of us for different reasons but we are choosing to continue our relationship despite the anxiety or stress. When we are together, all worry and uncertainty is cast aside. It is magical, beautiful. We connect deeply both physically and mentally. He makes me feel like I am the only woman in the world and I make him feel like he is the only man in the world. I suppose those time limited days of magic trump everything else. We have decided they are worth it.He is always worrying that I will leave him for a younger man who is more attractive, is more suited to me as a long term partner and says it would hurt him if I was with another man. At first he told me that I should be free to date because he does not want to take the opportunity away from me to find a long term partner who is relationship material. But lately he has been upset if other males show me attention and he seems very insecure of this fact. It is okay if he has female friends but for me to have any male friends seems to bring out his insecurities. He has no reason to think I would leave. I have told him I am with him.Yes, I am older but I need to point out that I look 30, feel 30... I am not your average 40 year old in any way. He feeds off my energy, my enthusiasm, my joy of living, the fact I am fun and the fact I am always laughing and have this infectious way of making everyone else around me feel good. I believe that deep down he is missing the connection with his wife and he has found it in me.I also believe it is difficult for him to leave and he has said so to me. I know he is struggling. He has told me he is struggling. He also said he knows he has some difficult decisions to make because his relationship at home is not good. However, words and actions do not always go together. But I get it. It is a big step and avoidance is a way to continue without having to face those fears. I was in a long term marriage and I avoided making the decision to leave for three whole years. I did not leave for another person; I left for myself. Either way, it is the hardest thing you will ever do because your life as you know it is suddenly turned upside down and change is the biggest stressor in life. So I have been in his shoes but then again, I also did follow through in the end.I never pressure him. I tell him I just want him to be happy. He used to downplay his feelings but when I asked him outright he told me the truth. That he cares for me but it is hard to leave because he has a history with her and they have common goals at this stage in life. But he has also told me she does not share his interests and passions in life and that they are very different. So there was a disconnect somewhere along the way. I believe that.I think the only way I can go forward with this affair is if I minimize my feelings for him as a way of protecting myself. I need to feel the good things and try to let go of the bad. Because there are positive things we are getting out of the relationship. We are choosing these over any negatives.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2013): Not judging here but to be honest while I do personally know of married men who left their wives for their mistresses, I don't think it will happen in your case. Not impossible, just improbable. Like the odds of winning the lottery (possible but unlikely)
You're in your 40s and this man is "much older " than you. And he and his wife were each others firsts. I am guessing they have been together for several decades?
In such a long marriage where the relationship is generally good though platonic it is much harder to leave. The guilt would be overwhelming. And many people cannot tolerate the guilt so they avoid facing it. That means avoid leaving the marriage. If they are childless not by choice but due to infertility then they have been through hell and back with each other and bonded through that tumultuous time too.
Basically he could be obsessed with you not for who you are but simply because he has pent up sexual needs that are now finally having an outlet. He is using you to get his needs met that his wife isn't meeting. But he has decades worth of memories and loyalty to her. She is part of his identity so asking him to give that up is asking him to change who he is. He probably will be very reluctant to leave her but he will still be obsessed with you so this relationship will continue on as an affair so he can have both until one of you ends it. He has no reason to end it if you don't because he is having his cake and eating it too. I don't mean to imply that its all fun and lighthearted for him to be in this situation as clearly he has anxiety over it because of the cognitive dissonance which is psychologically stressful. But by having his cake and eating it I mean he has an easy way out of having to face that anxiety head on and make hard decisions and live with the consequences one way or the other. avoidance becomes the long term solution.
Also bear in mind if he is much older than you, will he soon be having medical issues that befall senior citizens? As a secret mistress if something happens to him you will be the last to know, if at all. His family won't know you exist so no one will inform you. And you certainly won't be the one notified by authorities. Think long and hard if this is a relationship you want to be in.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (23 September 2013):
 Okay shut her down.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2013): If a guy will cheat with you he will cheat on you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2013): Yes there are tons of married men who leave their wives for their mistresses. I don't know why people here on DC like to say the cheating husband will never leave the wife. Sure many won't, for many dysfunctional reasons. But that's a stereotype. Isn't it also a stereotype that there are married men who will run off with a new woman?
I think marriages like your bf's are bound to result I'm infidelity at some point. I mean think about it. Once married, you are expected to not have sex with anyone except your spouse. If your spouse wont have sex with you ever, or of your spouse is physically repulsive so you feel disgusted at the idea of sex with them that means that in order to continue the marriage you have to give up or suppress or sacrifice a big part of your self which is the sexual part. Humans are sexual beings after all.that's why the marriage relarionship is so glorified to begin with as being supposedly higher than other human relationships, because of the idea that this is rue only person ypu have sex with. Oxymoron in the case of marriages like his.It is inevitable that at some point he would find a woman who fulfilled his sexual need and maybe also his emotional needs as well since many men can only be emotionally close or vulnerable to a woman via sex. For many men, sex is basically the only way they can express love or feel loved. Since marriage is meant to be a sexual relationship involving no one else except your spouse, being on a sexless marriage is a set up for adultery. How could it not be?
It is inevitable that he would fall in love with someone else. But he behaved unethically by pursuing that before divorcing his wife. He still hasn't. The "sin " here isn't that he feels passion for someone else besides his wife, its that despite this he hasn't divorced her and yet is already acting on those passions.
You need to unfortunately end your relarionship with him. Not just so you can at least be free of this ethical dilemma (see how much stress you feel knowing you're taking part in something unethical?). But also because another person's actions and decisions are beyond your control. Sure you can do everything in your power to persuade him to leave his wife for you but ultimately you cant make him do it if he doesn't want to. And unfortunately for him leaving her is something he is deeply uncomfortable about. It could be because he fears the fall out of divorce. Or he fears that everyone including himself will see him as being a bad person. Until he has a major shift in his dysfunctional self talk (and he does have dysfunctional self talk or he wouldn't even be in this situation right now) thijgs likely wont change. He will want to avoid the discomfort of divorce and "outing" himself as an adulterer. Thus he will likely want to stay married to herbut he wants you too meaning he will want the affair to continue.
This puts you in a very unsatisfactory position but since you cant control another persons actions or thoughts the only hint that's in your power to lessen your angst and emotional pain, is to lower the stakes for yourself and not care so much about whether he leaves her or not. That means you need to emotionally detach from him. The best way to do this is to break up with him so you can make a clean break and not be hanging on stuck in the present situation. You need to not have your happiness be dependent on what another person chooses to do with his life, is all I am saying.
If you break up with him, that may provide to him the push he needstk make a decision to leave her.by staying in an affair you are making it possible for him to stay married while having whatever comfort or enjoyment he gets from you. You are helping him stay married! Of course you wonder why he doesnt see your affair as a taste of better thongs to come of only he would leave her? I am sure he does. But again he is more driven by his aversion to divorce than by the reward or gain of a full time relarionship with you. It may take him years to become.comfortable with the idea of divorce. You don't want the present situation to drag on for years. Many affairs do. Its up to you but you seem to be unhappy with it so why drag it on indefinitely.
But even if you break up wig him he may not decide to leave her so that's why you meed to end this relarionship for yourself. Don't fight for a relarionship where the other person isn't willing to fight for it either.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2013): I agree with the one reader.ENJOY THE HERE AND NOW. Life is too short.Too many judgments here.The readers do not know you. They do not know him.Not every situation is the same, ends up the same and not all married men are the same.You are getting a lot of TEXT BOOK answers.I do not agree with most of them. These people could turn out to be dead wrong. Life is not always BLACK and WHITE.It is YOUR heart. I am certain you have chosen to follow it. Just hang in.Enjoy the ride. Enjoy what you both have. Hope for the best. Prepare for the worst.Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2013): Alright. This is the anonymous female who posted before who had also been the other woman. Enough with the, "Don't judge me!" pleas. I have been in your place, so of all the people here, I should have the most sympathy for you.I don't. I have none.I read over all your other posts, from when this married man started showing you attention, to when the sexual relationship began, to when he dumped you the first time, and now to this.You are doing this to yourself. There is no hope. Listen to everyone here: THERE IS NO HOPE. You are clinging to something that does not exist. He will never leave his wife for you. Repeat again: HE WILL NEVER LEAVE HIS WIFE FOR YOU. He does not really love or care for you. I don't care how many times you have to read this. It's the truth.Reading over your older posts explaining how he manipulated you with his claims that his wife was asexual and he didn't love her and they hadn't had sex in years and he had never felt what he had with you with anyone else? PLEASE. It is all B.S. How do I know? Because I had a married man tell me the exact same thing! They are ALL THE SAME. And they're all lies. When - and notice I say WHEN and not IF - his wife finds out, he will abandon you so fast and without a second's hesitation. But, you protest, he will just come back again because he can't stay away from me! Sure. Maybe. Perhaps. But that has nothing to do with his genuinely caring or loving you. You could be anyone. He would be saying and doing the same things to someone who made herself available for an affair. You are nothing special to him; you just happened to be in the "right" place at the "right" time for an affair with him.You need to get yourself a good therapist and talk over this. You clearly have delusions about how this is supposedly going to work out and how you think this man actually gives a damn about you. I am sure you are actually a caring person, but then why on earth would you settle for this? You are an option to him, not a priority. All those times he cancels "for work"? Please, woman. Please tell me you are not dumb enough to buy that. He cancels because you are an option and always will be. His wife is one notch about you, but his priority will always be himself. You are at the very bottom of the list.Also, and I say this being a former other woman who takes responsibility for my actions, what you are doing to his wife is unspeakable and terrible. Don't you dare pull the "don't judge me" card here. There really is no excuse. I don't care how much he says she is not the right person for him; she is living, breathing, feeling human being, and you are stealing something from her. What you are doing will tear her heart and life apart. When - again, when not if - this all blows up and ends, the guilt of what you are doing to her will eat you alive. I often woke up in the night having panic attacks over the intense shame I felt about what I had done to my married man's wife, and you will feel the same. Have some self-respect for yourself, common sense to know that he is lying to you and really doesn't care, and humanity to know that you are contributing to the intense pain of another WOMAN who has done NOTHING WRONG. Get out of this relationship now, while you still have some control over the situation, before it DOES end in a heartbreaking, soul-crushing, destructive way that will ruin the rest of your life. Stop making excuses for yourself and act like an adult.
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reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (20 September 2013):
OP, you sound completely confused (no wonder) and I don't believe you are following your heart; rather your ego and your need to be wanted and desired. I'm not saying that in a nasty way, but when this is behind you, I think you will realise that what you're experiencing isn't love.
I think that when this ends (I don't share your hope), you will feel thoroughly used and degraded, with even lower self esteem than you currently have. Which is why I encourage you to walk away now. Why wait to be discarded by an older man with no moral compass? Imagine the strength you're going to have to muster to get through that - it'll be so much harder than choosing to walk now.
You do have the strength to walk away. You really do. You have it within you to make the right choice and stick with it, and I truly think that you need someone to confide in, whether it be a close friend or a therapist.
I wish you well whatever your decision and however it turns out.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 September 2013):
Is this your previous post: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/married-man-dumped-me-and-i-am-feeling.html ?
If not, have a read through that. It shows the extremes of emotion which seem to sound a bit like your situation.
I wouldn't trust this guy to be completely truthful. He obviously has to be good at lying to his wife, so he wouldn't have much holding him back from lying to you.
I'd drop him until the divorce was final. Then you'd know if he was with you for the long haul.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHoneypie, you are right. I am clinging to hope. I believe there is HOPE. At the end of the day, it is what gets us through. And I am waiting it out... for now. Maybe I am out of my mind, but I still believe in him. I believe he is telling the truth. And I believe in what we feel for each other. I do not think he is a cheater by nature nor a serial cheater. I choose not to let it go. I am going to live in the moment for as long as I am able, holding on to the dream while trying to keep my two feet on the ground... It is what my heart is telling me to do and I need to follow my heart right now. Time will tell what happens. If it is meant to be, it will be. In the meantime, I will need to keep being strong.Thank you everyone for showing caring and compassion for me and my situation. It means a lot to me.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 September 2013):
 You can walk away, you CHOOSE not to, just like he CHOOSES to cheat.
For now you are getting something out of the affair, and maybe you cling on to hope that he is telling you the truth.
But, have you EVER in this whole affair given ANY thought to how it must be to be in the wife's shoes?
Life is about choices. It might feel like we don't HAVE any at times, but for the most part we do.
Morals, values and ethics are necessary in a society. At least in my opinion. Can you imagine the chaos if everyone just did whatever they pleased?
So my question is, why are you above the morals of society? Why is he?
There is so much more to cheating then just the thrill. It causes ripples. In his life and in yours. Those ripples spread from his and yours, to people that know you, then people they know and so forth.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 September 2013):
Hellfire Girlfriend there are more strings in your relationship than the Philharmonic, cut yourself free.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt is me, OP.
I know in my heart that this situation is NOT worth all this PAIN.
Who can have fun with no strings, especially a female, without getting emotionally involved? Not many people I suspect. Maybe men are better at it. But especially after having sex with him, I feel a strong bond. Whether it is right or wrong, it is there.
But I can't walk away. I just can't do it.
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reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (20 September 2013):
OP, no it really isn't worth all the angst and pain. I'd strongly suggest you walk away now. Cut him off all together and move on.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 September 2013):
Good lord get a grip. Set yourself free from all this crap, the ups and downs alone will send you to an early grave. Way too unsettling! Leave this guy to his cheating ways and his "unhappy" marriage and start looking for someone you can build a sound and secure relationship. A comforting, relaxing, can't wait to get home kind of relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2013): It's the OP again.Some of you have raised the question: Can I TRUST him?It is a very good question. It is a question I do need to ask myself.The answer is NO.As much as I wish I could say yes, I cannot trust him. Even now that we are two months into our relationship, I am always worrying and wondering what he is doing. When he says he cannot see me on our usual day because of "work", I worry he is with someone else. I don't believe he is BUT I will always worry about the possibility. It is eating me up. I try to convince myself I am paranoid, overthinking... but I deep down believe that someday he can betray me like he did his wife.To walk around with this constant worry on my shoulders on top of an already difficult situation has become emotionally crippling some days.Most days I let the elation get a hold of me, ride with the high, pretend all is well and grab at my dream tooth and nail, holding on for dear life.And other days, I push the dream far away, knowing it will hurt me. Pretending it doesn't exist.It is a constant one day high, another day low. It is not the way to live. It is not healthy.As much as the moment is beautiful and amazing, is it worth all the PAIN?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2013): Yes people do make choices. And you chose to get involved with a married man, instead of doing the right thing, staying clear and involving yourself in a relationship with someone who was single. Okay, no judgement.The man whom is married and chose to have an affair with you instead working on his marriage is a coward, a liar and a loser. He is not an honest man, he's created a web of lies and a boat load of justifications to carry on this affair with you, and yet you believe all those things he told you....you fell for it hook, line and sinker. Okay, no judgement.You have never spent any real length of time with this man in the day to day ups and downs, challenges and milestones, etc., the two of you only experience "the honeymoon stage", why? because that's what he wants. If he *really* was unhappy in his marriage and he really had no reason to keep it going, and he was an honorable man, he would have filed for divorce and went out on his own, then pursued a relationship with you. But no, he's still married and you are hanging onto false hope and trying to justify all of this as well to make yourself feel better and downplay reality. He wanted his cake and to eat it too and you were there to make that happen. Okay, no judgement.Now, a man like this is selfish. Even if he does eventually dump his current wife, he will soon grow bored with you because it's no longer that honeymoon life the two of you are used to and he'll find someone else and tell that person all kinds of things you are doing to justify why he's stepping out on you. It's a vicious cycle, but you are trying so hard to believe or hope that it won't be like this for you and this man. Your entire relationship is based on dishonesty and low standards and morals. One day, something he said or where he said he was is not going to sit right with you. You will always have that nagging feeling hanging over your head because you know in reality he is not a honest man, nor are you an honest women.If a married man is unhappy, cheating is not the answer. It's only a temporary fix, a temporary solution. And very easy to do. If it wasn't so easy and there was some real thought of real consequences, we wouldn't have so many cowards doing it, now would we. Unhappy married men need to do everything they can to work on what is making them unhappy. It's easy to blame their spouse and take no responsibility for their part in it. It's rarely, a one way street of marriage problems, but many men will present it that way. And if they really cannot get back to that place, then end the marriage. Oh, but that's too hard, and why so many choose to cheat instead. Good luck. You are going to need it living in your fantasy world. I hope you will be able to realize what's really going on and learn from this and find a man who can give you 100% of him because he is not attached to someone else.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2013): No two people are the same OP, so it doesn't matter whether other people have done it before. What you need to decide is do you have more to gain or lose in this scenario. If the worst happened, his wife finds out and he tells you your relationship should have never happened and everyone including your friends and family found out. Are you prepared to take that risk?Best case scenario he leaves his wife for you. You live the rest of your life saying yes to everything he wants regardless of what you want for fear that he'll cheat if you don't comply.Take the risk if you think you can take the shame, the lower self esteem and the loneliness that comes with such a love.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2013): I think you got the firestorm you were expecting but to answer your question i think yes, in your situation quite often "the other woman" is the lucky one. I have seen it several times with people I know. The wife finds out and throws the cheating husband out. The problem is that people get hurt and there is a lot of hurt usually and maybe the illicit hidden relationship isnt quite so exciting once it is legitimate. But hey, life is short and we all end up dead, best to have the most fun while you can. As you say, other people are not you and aren't in your shoes, many who critisise now would do just what you did if they were ever lonely and without anyone who cares for them. If you are happy "sharing" then maybe you can carry on with the status quo. His wife may unknowingly be happy that he seems content and is not bothering her for sex. Your man has probably forgotten how much love he had for his wife and probably underneath still does, and in some way you are a replacement for the object of his love. He loves you both. I have a younger lady friend and feel love for her, not as much as I ever did for my wife. It is a sad fact of life that age and menopause often makes a once loving woman into someone that doesnt like sex, or even much companionship. Luckliy my work makes it easy for all to be happy as I am often away from home. There is no long term view on this, but for now it is great, and probably you should just enjoy the now and see where it goes. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2013): I am going to give you a very, very honest answer. I have been you. I have been exactly where you are now. I was a woman who despised infidelity and turned, slowly but surely, into the kind of woman I hated. I said all the things you have said here; I used every possibly justification I could find and, at times, even believed what I was saying; I believed everything my married man told me about his wife and his marriage; and I ultimately watched as I became responsible for ruining my own life. I would give almost anything to go back in time before the affair, or even to the point at which you are now, and walk away.The things your married man has told you are, at best, exaggerations, if not blatant lies. He is still sleeping with his wife. It is quite convenient, isn't it, that all married men who have affairs insist that the romance, sex, and love has left their marriages? My married man even want as far as to insist that I made him realize he had never loved his wife, and that I had shown him what true love was. He said that being with me was like life beginning again. Doesn't that sound like I was the one who made him realize "he was living a lie"?After many excuses as to why he needed time to leave his wife, who - according to him, remember - he did not love, wasn't sleeping with, and wasn't attracted to, he nonchalantly informed me that she was pregnant. A very ugly confrontation with the three of us occurred. Suddenly, the woman who, just hours earlier, was the love of his life, his soul mate, and the person who made him realize everything he was missing in life, became worthless to him. He threw me under the bus so fast it made my head spin, all to save face to his wife, whom he NEVER HAD THE INTENTION OF LEAVING.And let me tell you: This is exactly what you're in for if you stay with him.Because the truth of the matter is, if he really loved you and cared for you the way you think he does, and if he really doesn't care for his marriage and wife so little as he claims, he would have left her ages ago, and it would have had nothing - if anything at all - to do with you.Situations in which another woman is involved that actually turn out well only occur when the other woman serves as a catalyst for the divorce occurring, and that the married man already had the strength and sense to leave on his own. If this man really loved or cared for you, he would never have started an affair with you, would have admitted his feelings about you TO HIS WIFE, would have filed for divorce, and would not think of pursuing ANYTHING with you until he was separated, living in his own space, if not completely divorced with all financial things settled.He does not love you. He will never leave his wife. He does not care about you. A messy, expensive divorce is worth more hassle to him than you are worth in his eyes. Don't believe me? Tell him you will no longer see him, speak to him, or engage in any physical or intimate contact with him until he has moved out and can show you hard copies of his divorce papers. A man who loved you and cared for you would do so immediately to deserve to be in your life. He is not that man, and he never will be.There is no happy ending here. Break away now, before you end up like me, trying desperately to put the pieces of my life back together and wondering if I will ever feel normal again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2013): opyes, a married man will leave his wife for the ow. it happened to me. he left me for a girl half his age,got her pregant and is now married to her. and i will tell you this, i was kind, took care of him, worked, cooked etc etc.... just because he says bad things about his wife does not make it true. a wife can be the greatest person in the world until a woman willing to cheat with him comes along, the newness of it all overwhelmes them. and they have to make up this witch that lives at home to make what they are doing easier for them to do. do you really want to hurt this woman? think about if the shoe was on the other foot. being left for someone is not an easy thing to get over. when you are married for a long time which i was, things tend to get ho hum, but it is a man (REAL MAN) that will stick around to fix what needs to be fixed. i agree with the aunts and uncles here, especially cerebus who put it so well. but if you want a silver linen yes it does happen. if i were you i would not be th ow for this man, and even if he left his wife and you waited on him, he is still a cheater. i would not want someone like this just saying. Good luck to you
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2013): Here is a different perspective.I wonder why most everyone responding thinks it would be so easy for the married man to leave his wife? It is not so easy. There is a lot at stake. Whether or not he cares for or loves the other woman is not the issue. I am sure he has feelings for the OP. Otherwise he would not be involved in an affair with her. Remember he broke it off and did go back to her. I believe there to be a genuine connection between the both of them. That is why they are together.In my view, the married man DID check out of his marriage when he began the affair with her. He is clearly not invested in it or he would not have become involved with her. Clearly if he really loved his wife and was happy with her, he would not have found himself in the arms of another woman. Excuses are not always excuses. Sometimes they are reasons.His wife is probably a good friend and he cares about her deeply. She may not be a bad person. He may love her but not be IN LOVE with her. Maybe some time needs to go by. The relationship between OP and MM will need to evolve naturally to see where it will go. Ideally it would be without his wife in the picture. But the wife is a crutch at this point. A safe way to explore his new relationship and see where it is headed for the time being without making any decisions right away. Perhaps decisions at the moment are premature. The relationship is still new.He is afraid to leave. His life as he knew it would change in every respect. Change is scary for anyone. It is not because he loves his wife or because she is the best wife on earth. Perhaps he did not realize what he was sorely missing until OP walked in. We all go through the motions of living without really living. His wife likely has her faults, too. And I think he is telling the truth about lack of sex. He can live out his life in safety and comfort or with a woman he is passionate and compatible with. Some long term relationships do die a natural death and it is very scary. And yes men more than women do need someone to cushion the fall or they would never leave. After being in the safety of a comfort zone for all those years and it being familiar, most anyone would be afraid to jump without the security of a safety net.I think what he needs to do he will have to figure out for himself and in his own time.OP is choosing to put herself in this position. She clearly loves him and is willing to risk her heart for him. I believe she knows what she is doing and is willing to take the risk. I also believe only a strong woman could put herself in this situation. It is not easy for her. Or for the married guy.Unfortunately, they both feel very strongly about each other. Walking away, OP, right now is not what you should do. I think that even if that happened, you would both end up together again because you could not bear to be apart. If my heart was invested, I would ride it out. Stay with him. Hope he decides to be with you. But also realize that at the same time you are opening yourself up to further heartache. Also decide how long you are willing to remain in this situation without a resolution? Can you stay long term as the other woman? Can you try to ease up on your feelings and just enjoy it for what it is right now? Live in the moment?As long as you have accepted the reality of what the outcome could be and are prepared for the worst, then move forward. You can only decide with your own heart if he is worth the risk. It seems to me you have decided he is.I hope it all works out for you. Big hugs. I know how painful and how beautiful it is all at the same time.Love is love.
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reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (20 September 2013):
OP, he said he knows he needs to make a choice and knows it's a big decision. In being kind to you, might I suggest you leave him to make this decision on his own. For your own well being, don't see him. Don't let yourself fall in any deeper. Protect yourself. If he's really serious about making a decision, he can do that without you being around.
I am in no way condoning this affair, but recognise that you were and maybe still are vulnerable after your own marriage breakdown. I have no idea whether or not he will leave his wife for you (though if I had to put money on it I'd say not), but I think you must start to think realistically about damage limitation.
Do you really feel you fully healed after your marriage broke down? Did you ever get counselling? I see a man who took advantage of a woman in a vulnerable position. That is not to remove you from any responsibility, but gently trying to nudge you into seeing that he is not such a great guy, not worthy of falling for, not worthy of your pain. Not worth you losing your self respect in becoming the other woman.
He's feeding you lies about his wife. If she was such an ogre, wouldn't he have left already, with or without having someone else to fall back on?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2013): It's the OP.
To the anonymous reader who wondered how long the affair has been going on... I have known him for a year. When I first met him I was getting out of my marriage. He liked me but I did not notice him because I needed to deal with the end of my marriage and moving on. Once I was healed, I started to see him in a new light. He admitted to having a crush on me from the moment he saw me. The actual physical affair is very new. It has only been a couple months. But there was an emotional affair you could say before that for about 4-5 months.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2013): I know someone who "cheated to be happy". It was probably his first affair, though I may be wrong. When he was caught out, his wife threw him out and he had no where to go but to the mistress. He described himself as being "trapped" by her (the mistress). He then married the mistress. This is not a happy-ever-after story though. He is a complicated mess of a man. I wonder what his now-wife makes of her prize. His ex-wife, everyone agrees, is better off without him. He wasn't unhappy because his ex-wife got fat/ was a bitch/ stopped making an effort with her appearance. It wasn't because the relationship lacked intimacy, either. He was/is an unhappy, unfulfilled man who wanted something extra to perk him up. I very much doubt that his mistress/now-wife makes him happy or complete. And I doubt she's happy.The happiest person in this sorry story turned out to be the ex-wife - eventually.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2013): OP, let me ask you this? So say this ends in your favor, he is so madly in love with you he leaves his wife, marries you.....Will you TRUST him? He already cheated on his first wife...what's to say he won't do it again? I's it because you won't turn into a sexless fat troll? Trust me she is not that...its an excuse and if he is not happy why didn't he just divorce long ago? Leave her and continue his life...please dont give me the same pathetic story he fed you.....he may care about you but trust me he has his cake and is eating it too...no judgement here just the plain hard truth that you cannot see right now. Why can't you involve yourself with a single available man? Who doesn't cheat? As far as if I were to judge I fault you more than him. I am divorced, my ex cheated and did marry his mistress so yes it does happen but I already see it unraveling...she don't let him out of her sight...eventually when she runs out of cash he will leave her too. My situation is more about a con man who is mentally ill and looking for a sugar mama...not about sex...he actually gets grossed out by sex... Anyway breaking up a family with your help is awful, how could you even be happy if he became yours under these circumstances...sounds to me like you need self esteem courses and some self love. Run from this, help yourself....the right man will find you and he will be available and FYI I am extremely happy 7 yrs later, I have the most amazing man in my life the best thing that happened was my divorce but my ex's mistress/wife lives in a daily purgatory as my daughter reminds her every other weekend what a home-wrecker she is and how her dad will leave her too soon enough when she gets a little older and soggier...lol trust me you will not be happy in the long run. If this relationship occurred after he separated you would have had a better chance...Run don't walk. Good luck
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 September 2013):
 My aunt was the mistress to a man similar to your situation for 25 years. He never left his wife for her. when he died she was unable to mourn publicly or be acknowledged in her grief.
I won't comment on your ability to justify what you know in your mind and your soul is bad behavior... you clearly beat yourself up enough for all of us. Not that we call names (we didn't have to because you did that yourself) but we do call it like we see it.
What I will say is yes there are men out there that cheat and care about the woman they cheat with. It does not mean there will be a happy ending.
If you have been with him more than 6 months and he's not leaving his wife, then the only way you will get him full time (MAYBE) and legitimately is after he's a widower.
And even then his guilt may prevent him from ever fully being committed to you.
Besides he knows that your values and morals are shaky enough that you would be willing to have an affair with a married man, so maybe if you were married you too would opt to cheat vs work on your issues.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2013): You'll probably take this as judgement but it's not. Your life, your choices.
I will say though OP you're living in a fantasy world and not reality, which I've seen a million times in women who are mistresses.
OP you go to great lengths to put down his wife and make yourself sound amazing. About 90% of your post is calling her a sexless, ugly, fat bitch who doesn't deserve him. While you're the most amazing beautiful, passionate woman who has ever lived and you do deserve him. OP that is exactly how you put it, read the first 8 paragraphs of your question from a strangers point of view. There is nothing of substance in them at all, and frankly all of it is self-satisfying fantasy.
My wife calls that the mistress delusion, the self-justification that every mistress who doesn't want to feel guilty imposes on themselves based on the sweet words of the guy who wants some side pussy. It doesn't matter if you were the pursuer, you're still just side pussy.
OP you're old enough to know how this works, you're old enough to know that nothing you have said is true in any kind of meaningful way. You've read enough, you've known enough people probably been in enough relationships to know how this whole thing goes and the reason you're so anxious about it is beyond what you so desperately want to believe you can see the truth of the situation. You're 100% the deluded mistress.
His wife isn't the evil sexless troll you'd like her to be to satisfy your conscience, she could well be a beautiful, caring, kind woman whose husband hasn't exactly kept her faith in herself alive or put any work into the marriage. I mean he's the cheater here OP, yet somehow you believe his version of the woman she is and somehow degrade her worth within her marriage to the level of ugly bitch in the most superficial way for the most superficial reasons.
What you don't get is nothing you have said says anything other than he's using you for sex. Nothing OP.
What you're missing here is how he speaks about this other woman, how low he is able to degrade her, the ways in which he is willing to hurt her and you somehow think he is able to put you in a level above her?
He has a very shitty attitude towards women, he doesn't solve marital issues the way you should and no woman not even you are going to be special to a guy like that if you somehow are missing only one of the things he feels he needs in a relationship.
"Does it always have to end this way?"
No, it doesn't. There are those rare times when the guy has just fallen in love with another woman and leaves his wife for her. But there is absolutely zero evidence that this is the case in your situation. In fact everything points to the opposite. When things get heated, intense, emotional he backs right off and ignores you OP. Any hint of suggestion of you and he being serious and he pulls away. What does that tell you about who you are to him?
"Is there ever a time that the married man has lived in a sexless, unfulfilling marriage and it took the right person to come along to let him know that he has been living a lie?"
The mistress delusion again. You're trying to make this sound romantic and special OP. you're just a warm hole he found to stick it in no matter how nice he is or how awesome your time together is in the big picture none of that counts. You're making it sound like a romance novel OP, it's just impractical justification.
Again the mistress has to make the wife sound like the bad guy. But it doesn't work like that because you see she could actually be a very good woman, she may not deserve any of this and worst for you is that her not being a demon means he's willing to hurt a nice woman to get his dick wet, what does that mean for you then? He's not exactly the prize you think he is OP, what kind of man needs to be "saved" from that kind of thing?
A spineless, selfish coward OP. The kind who would do the same to you and even worse because you're lower on the scale of importance than his wife.
"That he was never really happy missing that kind of passion and connection in his marriage? And now he has it with another woman? Is this not possible?"
That's straight out of a book isn't it?
I'll tell you how that can work, if sex is the only important thing in a relationship. Do you think that's the case? Because if so then yeah it can, but it's not just about sex OP. OP all you have with this guy is sex.
Do you think sexual intimacy is enough to keep a relationship going? What happens when you too hit menopause, what happens if you go through a period in your life where your libido drops, you get ill, or even have a couple of months of stress where you can't perform? Do you think this is the kind of man who will stick with you through that or are you happy in the knowledge he'll find that somewhere else?
"I came here to ask you if there are married men out there who are not cheaters just to cheat but because they are unhappy and are looking to be happy?"
No, because a cheater is a cheater regardless of his reasons.
OP let me ask you this, you're his wife. Menopause has hit hard and HRT hasn't helped your sex drive, your self-confidence is shot, menopause has led to you gaining weight too and when you look in the mirror what you see makes you want to cry, yet instead of compassion your husband just moans about you not giving him blow jobs, is visibly pissed off when you reject his advances which in turn makes you feel so bad you just want to cry yourself to sleep. Do you want a guy who will stick with you, do everything in his power to build you up again with patience or one who will go find a younger piece of pussy to bone.
You see that's where the mistress delusion comes in so handy for you, you don't even take the time to look at this situation realistically even if he is telling the truth. You've gone to such great lengths to demonise this woman to suit your needs that you lack any empathy at all for her situation. I'm not saying that as a moral judgement against you OP, but you have to understand it's a dangerous fantasy for you personally because you put so much importance in the idea that she's just wholly evil that you somehow have convinced yourself that he couldn't do that to you.
By pointing the finger of blame solely at this woman you leave yourself completely open to the same treatment from him. She may in all ways be just as nice as you OP, this could be a woman that in another situation would be your best friend, a loyal, loving caring woman who has fallen on hard times emotionally and has a husband who is not very discreet about cheating on her.
Op read your question again and again, see the desperation. Look at it objectively and pretend a stranger wrote it, you see how much of a romantic novel this being portrayed as when the cold hard reality is you're a hole to stick it in who when things get intense he runs a mile.
It suits the pattern of who is don't you think? No sex from wife, runs to another woman, that woman tries to get serious he runs away from her.
I'm sorry OP, but that's not the story of a happy ending is it?
The main reason romance novels get this kind of thing all wrong is they never delve into the practicalities of relationships because that stuff is too boring and mundane for a dramatic prose.
Just like romantic novels OP you're missing the practicalities. You're ignoring what all this behaviour means, trying to twist what's happening into a way that says you'll get what you want. But I don't think you a fool OP, deluded in love in a big way, but not an idiot by any means. Which is why you've come here, you know something is off about this but what you don't realize is that it's your perception of what is happening that is so twisted.
Time to come back down to earth OP and look at the practicalities of this situation.
It's time to be more cautious here and my best advice to is to give this a time frame and stick to it. There has to be a point soon where you lay your heart on the line and you get him to make a choice. You're already in so deep that it's causing you pain, you have to ensure that doesn't go on for too long OP.
That's not what relationships are about and frankly the excitement of being the other woman won't be enough to ease that. Because you're not a vixen OP, you're not a bitch. If you were you wouldn't need his wife to be so bad in your mind. You just wouldn't care about her.
The fact that you go to such great lengths to convince yourself that she is tells me you're a caring person who doesn't like the idea of hurting another person to get what they want, well you're going to get to the point where you won't forgive yourself OP. You have to have an out before that stage.
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reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (19 September 2013):
 I have been through thick and thin with two friends of mine who were on opposite sides of the fence. One was the married woman. The other was the other woman (different relationships. Not the same man, in case you get confused). The one who was the other woman was with her married man for over two decades, right up until she died. She always said that he was the love of her life. He never left his wife for her and kept their relationship well hidden. She helped in hiding it as well. He always put her last. When they were together the chemistry was amazing and he told her how much he loved her and can't live without her, but when she was dying of cancer in another part of the country, he never came to see her, because it would look suspicious to his wife. He spoke to her on the phone, but he never came to see her one last time. He did not even attend her funeral. Yes he loved her in a romantic way, but she was not a priority in his life. His wife and family always came first.
My other friend's husband left her after 15 years of marriage for a younger woman. She was devastated. What kept her alive was the responsibility she felt for her children. Fast forward 10 years, my friend is now happily involved with a younger man and she is having the best fun of her life. She recently bumped into her ex husband at a party. He eventually married that younger woman and now has young kids. He looked dishevelled and unhappy. He was nostalgic with her and spoke about how much he regrets making certain decisions. She is happier than she's ever been and he is just trapped in a hell of his own making, all because he followed "passion".
Moral of both stories - Most times it does not end well.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (19 September 2013):
The odds are certainly against your having a happy ending. If all he has is a "friendship" tying him to his wife, no children or dependents, and still he doesn't want to divorce her for you, then my guess is he either is not telling you the whole truth about his relationship or he just doesn't think you are worth it.
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reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (19 September 2013):
 There are a lot of women in your situation. I can imagine being married and having sex with another woman but not getting involved with another woman if you know what I mean. It's just too confusing to men to be involved with two women. Women on the other hand can be involved with 2 men without necessarily having sex with both of them. I hope this helps.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (19 September 2013):
From statistics and from what I have heard and read, it RARELY ends "happily" for the OW.
Because the relationship as it is ("dating" a married man )is already filled with lies, deceit and more red flags then all of China. THAT makes trust almost impossible. If a MARRIED man is willing to cheat on his wife - you know the woman he stood up next to and gave his vows to? Then what is there to stop him from cheating on the OW at some point?
The reasons why a married man cheats are as diverse as the men who is cheating (same with women) Some times it's NOT about having a bad marriage, but thinking the grass could be greener. Or they want to recapture the "honey-moon phase" of a relationship, sometimes it's about ego - they don't feel like the wife "worship" them enough or they hit midlife and start to worry about all the things they haven't accomplished. The list goes on and on.
I think if a man (or woman) is TRULY unhappy in a marriage, they will leave this marriage and not add more drama/trouble/complications by cheating. They might stay in a unhappy marriage and NOT cheat. Because it's familiar. They still LOVE their spouse, they don't like the idea of maybe ending up alone or making a big mistake.
Just because a marriage isn't happy happy doesn't mean they don't get SOMETHING out of it. And it certainly doesn't mean cheating will make them happy. It is in some cases MUCH easier to be the OW then the wife. Because the OW is being COURTED in order for the married man to get what he wants - ego rubbing, sex, honeymoon-phase feelings. The OW don't see the other side of the guy. They believe all his little stories and lies, because they don't know better. And because some OW think they somehow can do better then the wife. That they are better. That whatever it is the married man is unhappy about they can magically "fix" with their superior snatch.
I know it feels like a "high" right now, but if he DOES leave his wife and his "life" as he knows it, it won't be long before regrets and REALITY sets in. And guess who he will blame? Yes, that's right.. the OW.
All I can is this. I have little respect for a women who has no qualms having an affair with a married man, but I have even less for a married man who have so little respect for his wife. In this day and age getting a divorce is NOT that hard. If a spouse makes you so miserable that they have to cheat, maybe it's not all about the spouse and more about themselves and their own inadequacies.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2013): I have met in person, and chatted online, to a great number of married men actively looking for affairs as their relationships have become dull. Mostly these men are plain confused, as any woman would be, feeling that their relationship might be coming to a natural end.The difference with your man seems to be that he needed some encouragement into it, by you, and his conscience bothered him initallly and so he tried to break it off. I'd therefore not put him into the natural cheater category, I don't think he is a serial strayer.It is often financial concerns that keep a man in an unsatisfactory marriage and it can also be true that he does have a deep bond with his wife, albeit not a sexual one (although I expect they do have some sex, sorry). It is also true, in my experience, that men mostly don't leave a relationship unless they have someone else to go to.I'm wondering how long your affair has lasted so far. And you know yourself that one of the reasons it's great is the secrecy element, but you seem to think there is a basis for a relationship. This all depends how long it's been going on.I can't wait to see what the other aunts have said, and I bet it's nothing like what I've said but here is what I really think.... there could be a great deal of to-ing and fro-ing as this man goes from his wife to you and back. I'm totally on the fence about whether he will leave her for you, not knowing how long it's been going on. There will come a time where it will be obvious if you are going to be a long term mistress or a new wife, and it shouldn't be that long into the affair.
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reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (19 September 2013):
 You need to walk away , it is not easy and not what you want to hear. If you don't, assume the wife finds out, will he stand by you or dump you and apologise to his loving wife and how this affair was just a huge mistake and he never meant it to happen and how its all your fault as you pursued him
If you end things and if he truly loves you, he will leave his wife and come to you.
Sometimes we have to take the difficult steps to get the answer we want.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (19 September 2013):
Your second question , I think, is purely rethoric- of course there are always some exceptions to a rule, some deviations from any general trend. There are second, or third, weddings and SOME of them have started as clandestine affairs. But that's too obvious to wonder about, I think, so maybe the right question would be : what's the percentage of affairs with a happy ending ( happy for the other woman, at least, maybe the wife is not as happy) , is it high ? The answer is : not really. I would not want to quote the wrong stats, I think I remember there are studies which have figured it out at 3% or thereabout.
As for your first question, are there married man who cheat not just to cheat but because they want to be happy... I think that those who cheat just to cheat, as a sport or a hobby, are a small minority of vapid idiots- indeed, the majority of people who cheat , cheat because they are unahppy or unsatisfied about something ( not neecssarily their spouse or their marriage, but also the general point where they are at in life, the way they see themselves ), and rather than working seriously on the real problem, they resort to the quick fix , to the rush of adrenaline and excitement that a clandestine " passion " can provide. Everybody wants to be happy- or happier , who does not ? Just , not all husbands ( or wifes ) seek the same shortcut to a ( generally fleeting ) happiness.
In your case , frankly, I would not count too much on the happy ending- because of his age. Let me explain, you say he's much older than you, and you aren't a schoolgirl yourself, so I assume he'll be 55 or 60 at least. Not that then he would be an impotent old codger ready for the nursing home !, it's just that the concept and scope of " happiness ", the way you mean it , changes with age.
You refer a lot to passion, chemistry, excitement, erotism, novelty... all cool stuff very glamorous and adventurous that makes your heart beat faster. At 20, that's paramount in life, most people aspire to have that all the time, and identifies " happiness " with the elation of a whirlwind romance. At 60, - you don't need that ALL THE TIME- you don't want it. Of course one can be still senstive to the charms of serendipity and lust and adventure , and be grateful for it, but, firmly confined within a few hours a werk. It's like a vacation in a different exotic world. Many older gentlemen would love to have the chance of an exotic vacation in some luscious , tripical island - but , moving there permanently ?...
No thanks. Giving up to anything that is known and comfortable and familiar, all they are fond of and attached to, teir habits, status, common friends, position in their community - that would NOT make them happy at all. The older you get, the less you need to live your life ALWAYS at top speed aand your emotions ALWAYS at top intensity. 24/7 fun and frolic do not necesssarily equate to happiness.It does not mean that one necessarily gets senile and resigned- just that happiness means something different at different stages in life. I am sure you too were " happy " at 15 about things and people... for whom now you would definitely not turn your life around.
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reader, HappyPlace +, writes (19 September 2013):
 I'd say it probably won't work out, or at least I hope it doesn't. Sex is a powerful weapon and you've gone all out to seduce him using this tool. Has he left his wife yet? No, I don't think so. And they don't even have children so he has no excuse if he wants to leave. Why don't you ask him why he hasn't left his wife yet for you? Is there a whiff of desperation about you?? Why are you so desperate to snare someone elses husband?? Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't, who on earth knows. But to start a relationship based on lies, sex and mistrust, then I'd say it has no future whatsoever and if I were a man, I certainly wouldn't want to end up with a cheater like you.
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reader, pinktopaz +, writes (19 September 2013):
Well I'm not a married man, but I think his reasons for being unhappy in his marriage is pretty typical...or at least the typical excuse they give. Does that mean that their reasons are false? Not necessarily. Who really knows? You kind of have to take everything at face value.
Of course there are affairs that do end up working out between the mistress and the married man, there's always exceptions. But going back to what's typical, they usually don't.
All I can really say is, if it's meant to be, then it'll be. But you have to go in with the mentality that you'll probably be left heartbroken. And you also have to remember, that it's not that easy for a person to leave the life they've become accustomed to for years for the unknown. Sure, everything is great now, but what if your relationship ends up the same way? I don't think every cheating man or woman is necessarily an evil, lying person that wants to just use people for their own benefits. The act is pretty selfish, but it's life and these things happen and people don't always make the best decision or do things in logical order.
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