A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I am a co-dependent person. For those who do not know what this is, it is a person who feels the need to please other people in order to get his own validation. I have had treatment for this but still ahve strong codependent tendencies.Last few months, I met a woman who is beautiful and is a narcissist. She believes she is entitled to everything and that her needs come before everyone else's. She has not had successful relationships because her partners have felt like she only cares about herself, which she does.However, she likes me because, as I am co-dependent, I seek to please her and care little about my own feelings and needs. Sometimes I get resentful, but I am able to bear this and debase myself much more than other people.I know this sounds ridiculous, but it is true.My question is: can such a relationship last?Are we completing each other, or ultimately will we destroy each other?Thank you for reading, and for your help. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 May 2011):
 I have doubts that with your kind of mindset counseling or therapy can really be effective, it's not like Aspirin that works regardless of your personal attitude toward headaches.
"I am getting some help for it but it's been like this most of my life so it is hard to break completely free of it ".
Uh,duh. Had it been not hard, but easy, you would have done it on your own without needing professional help.
"The relationship fits into a comfortable pattern " .
That's exactly the point. You need to be willing to get out of your comfort zone. You need guts, and you need to be prapared to accept, embrace in fact , the discomfort that any major change may cause.
Actually, now that I think of it, I guess you are still far from this stage. Otherwise you would not be posting here in the not so covert hope to be reassured that sure, it can work, everything is gonna be allright,there is gonna be a nice happily ever after.
You are an adult and it's your life and your relationship, so handle it as you see fit. Only, don't waste money on seeking help for a problem that basically you don't want to solve.
It would be like expecting to lose weight from reading recipes of low-calories dishes.
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (27 May 2011):
"Problem is, we each play our roles so well, the relationship fits into a comfortable pattern...even though we are not really relating to each other. "
well it's not really a comfortable pattern when you have resentment brewing in you...over time, this resentment will grow, and with it the discontent.
Since you are trying to not be co-dependent, you shouldn't be choosing a relationship with someone who requires or demands co-dependence from you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, thanks all for your opinions. (I mean that, even though I am a little co-dependent and so I do like to say nice things to please people. :) )
Someone asked if I like to be codependent. No I don't. I am getting some help for it but its been like this most of my life so it is hard to break compeletely free of it.
Yeah I thought that it is an unhealthy relationship. Problem is, we each play our roles so well, the relationship fits into a comfortable pattern...even though we are not really relating to each other.
Thanks again, real interesting posts here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): Sometimes I get resentful, but I am able to bear this and debase myself much more than other people.
As a former codependent, let me tell you based on the above statement. NO.
Because you DO resent this sometimes, you will find yourself over time becoming MORE resentful. The relationship will never be about equality. The emotions will never truly be reciprocated. You are in this to be accepted and she is in it to be served.
Did you really want that to be a permanent job?
Once you no longer meet her needs, you will be dismissed.
Your role as her male is a Temp. job at best and anyone can do it as long as they play it right. It is not about YOU in anyway. It is about HER.
Seek help for your codependency and realize that YOU can and deserve a relationship based on mutual interest and equality!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): If you really cared so little for your needs you would not be resentful. A co-dependent is not selfless by nature. They are merely trying to satisfy their needs in an indirect way. Debasing yourself is simply the cost of doing business. The price you're willing to pay to have those needs met.
The relationship between a narcissist and a co-dependent is about as fulfilling as is the relationship between a drug addict and their dealer. Both nurture the worst in each other for their own immediate gratification and so neither is likely to last over the long haul.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): it sounds like you want to be self-destructive if you know with such clarity that you are co-dependent and yet are actively seeking out a relationship that will amplify it by relying on it for its (the relationship's) existence.
Most people once they realize they are co-dependent don't want to be so anymore, because of how they end up in terrible relationships where they feel crappy and hurt all the time.
But you actually *want* to be co-dependent..?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): Yes. This type of relationship can be a perfect combination, flourish and endure the test of time, as long as it is driven as explained very well by Anonymous Female. My sister and her partner have this type of relationship and their relationship is amazing. Do what builds you up but never what tears you down. Give it a whirl.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (26 May 2011):
 can two emotionally unhealthy people make a healthy relationship work? well. that's a new and interesting philosophy. but no. while two negatives do equal a positive in mathematics, not in love.you say you're seeking counseling but still are codependent. the problem with being with this woman is that the foundation of the relationship is based off of both of your flaws. so as long as you two maintain emotionally unhealthy together, you will work together. but the moment you try to better yourself and change your codependent ways, you will lose the equilibrium of your relationship. does this make sense? so being with this woman is leaving you no room to emotionally better yourself.you both need to take a step back and get counseling. ever hear of the old saying that you can't have a happy relationship until you're happy with yourself? it's true. take some time and continue to work on yourself. then attempt to date someone who is emotionally healthy, as well. good luck.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (26 May 2011):
"I seek to please her and care little about my own feelings and needs. Sometimes I get resentful, but I am able to bear this and debase myself much more than other people."
resentment is always a warning sign, it doesn't go away by itself it builds over time. If you feel resentful now, and nothing in the relationship changes so it continues on as-is, you can be sure you will feel it more as time goes on.
Co-dependent people who are in relationships that bring out their co-dependent natures, eventually become unhappy, bitter, resentful, and depressed on a regular basis.
Unless you are a robot who has no feelings at all or you have a brain injury that impairs your ability to process emotions, as a human you will be susceptible to the above if you stay in a relationship where your feelings and needs are continually sacrificed as a recurring pattern.
In the short term this is do-able or you may feel good about it in the sense of feeling sanctimonious. Or the reward of what the narcissist gives you in return for your sacrifice compensates the negativeness you feel in the sacrifice. This is all fine for relationships that end soon, aren't a big part of your life, or are occasional situations. But in an intimate relationship or marriage, this becomes a way of daily life.
the more often you sacrifice your own feelings and needs, and the longer this goes on, it will eventually build up more and more resentment and anger and bitterness. think about when you do feel resentful now. magnify it many times over, and that's how you will feel further down the road.
It will become harder to feel good about your sacrifice, as time goes on, meaning that you will feel unhappier and more often. yet at the same time you will find it harder to leave the relationship which will make you feel torn in ways that you don't as yet feel right now.
as more time goes on, and your continual sacrifice of your own feelings and needs takes its toll, you may be at high risk of developing depression. right now you may not have depression because you haven't been in this situation long enough for it to take its toll. But if you continue this relationship, it may happen. you may find yourself desperately turning to various means to cope with your depression, such as drug or alcohol addiction, binge eating, or cheating on your partner. People who engage in these behaviors are often not "bad" people but are merely people who are feeling a lot of emotional pain that just doesn't go away and they have found these are means to dull the pain temporarily. Then the addiction takes on a life of its own and you now have problems that you didn't have before.
In short, I don't think this relationship will "work" in the long run. It may "last" in the sense that you may continue to stay together because you are too weak to leave and she is happy to keep you around to use you, but you may be very unhappy and dysfunctional in your personal life.
and here's another possibility: you say your partner always feels she's entitled to everything and cares only for her own needs. But she likes you - for now - because you sacrifice your own needs for her. But what happens when, further down the road, your sacrifice starts to take a toll on you and you stop being able to meet her needs? since she feels entitled and cares only for herself, she'll probably dump you like she did all her previous boyfriends. Imagine how you will feel - after having sacrificed a lot for her, become a nervous wreck in the process, only to have her dump you because you're no longer meeting her needs. Do you *want* this to happen?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2011): Define what you mean by can this relationship "work"?If the definition of "work" means that the relationship keeps going by itself, then yes I think this relationship can work for the rest of your lives. But I also think you will be very miserable for the entire duration, for the rest of your life if that's how long this relationship lasts. So yes this relationship can "work" meaning it can feed itself and continue in a set and completely predictable pattern, but it won't be a happy one. yet it may not end because if you're co-dependent now, you're at risk of low self esteem so the longer you're with a narcissist the more exagerrated the more your self esteem will drop and the more co-dependent you will become. So you will find it harder and harder to leave the relationship even though you feel more and more unhappy.fast forward several years or decades: you are still together or married, but you are often extremely stressed out and unhappy and in turmoil because you want to leave but you 'cannot.'. Your partner is also unhappy because, being a narcissist, nothing is ever good enough for her and she's always unhappy with you. You may by then have developed full blown depression and be on anti-depressants or in therapy to cope. Or maybe not, maybe instead you will have developed a drinking problem to help dull your pain so you can continue to live in the relationship. Maybe she will be having affairs or cheating on you because you're not doing enough to satisfy her. Thus driving you further into whatever secondary problem you would have developed. This will continue until one or both of you dies. Do you think this is a relationship that "works" just because it lasts?Maybe the relationship will end when the narcissist finds someone new and leaves you. If so, count yourself lucky.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (25 May 2011):
 if i had to put money on this i would say that - no you won't destroy each other but she'll destroy you. a true narcissist will not complete anyone else, that is not what they are there for. you will be perfect fodder for her games, you will not be anywhere near strong enough to handle her
x
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (25 May 2011):
 HI
basically NO.. because you will never be able to get yourself out of being co-dependant with a women who is self centered as she is. She will grind you down . You need to be with someone who knows respect, shows respect, and dont ask for anything in return. Feeling like you have to put other people before yourself is a sure way of always getting hurt. But you say you have been getting treatment for this? so why jepordise that by dating a women who is the COMPLETE opposite??? Start putting yourself first, by getting through the co- dependance , and continue to get the help for this. Then you will start to see the light, and find someone who IS perfect for you .
xx
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 May 2011):
 This can work perfectly, if you are a good match, and it can go straight downstairs and eat you alive. She, the narcissist, won't care much. They never do. But you might be torn apart. The things is that I don't see a narcissist working in ANY form of relationship. While a co-dependent, to my understanding of it, can work.
I imagine a co-dependent person struggles more if taken advantage of, rather than being appreciated for what they do. The narcissist doesn't appreciate anything, or makes you feel worthy of anything. When in a relationship you aren't ever just "you" as an individual. You must think of the other. A narcissist doesn't, hence they really aren't suitable for any form of relationship.
But if it works for you, I guess it will work for her as well. The only way to find out is to try it out, if you want to take the chance. It's just that her needs and expectations from you, even thought you want to please, might be different from the way you are able to please.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 May 2011):
Last, it can last, because both parties have an interest in making it last. The narcissist taps freely into the narcissistic supply that you provide her, and that is necessary to her functioning in daily life and social interactions . The co-dependent, or inverted narcissist, gets from the relationship a "paradoxycal advantage", observers may think he has the short end of the stick, and in practice he does, but without the narcissist, how would he fulfill his compulsive care taking urges, and from where would he get the sense of validation, the sense of even EXISTING, that he is unable to get if he is not catering to somebody's whims and playing the underdog ? ( I am sure these things have came) up at some point in therapy ). As for, can it work ?, define " work ". Since by definition codependency is a tendence to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways, to an UNHEALTHY degree which negatively impact his relationships and quality of life, - in a way the more obsessive, self defeating and unhealthy you act, the more it "works " and fulfills the scope of the association. The problem is , that rarely there is an happy ending for the co-dependent, who is the more vulnerable party in this surely complementary relationship. While the narcissist just needs to get his narcissistic supply and is rather indifferent to where it comes from, - the co-dependent develops a strong attachment also mixed though with a strong, and strongly repressed, anger, that he normally can't afford to display, in fear of being "fired "- and that unluckily , in many cases, will lead him to severe depression, alcoholism or other addictions, and self defeating actions and behaviours reflecting this anger and aggression turned inward, ( against the self rather than against the narcissist ). I hope this is not your case , of course- then again, if you had therapy about these issues, you must already know that you are really playing with fire.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2011): Yes, it can work but the narcissist must love you enough to be willing to compromise when you feel certain demands/expectations are unreasonable. If there is communication, common interests, sexual compatability, companionship, and your needs as well as hers are satisfied by the relationship, then you have a good chance at having a fulfilling long-term relationship together.My fiancé could be described as a narcissist and I am codependent. We have been together (and monogamous) for over 7 years. I take care of the household while he works and works on finishing up his degree. I provide him with my undivided attention sometimes for hours if he is feeling unwell, stressed out, or just needs a bit of reassuring or ego stroking. In return, he provides me with a sense of security and the boost I get from knowing that I've made a difference in his day just by being there for him.You must be careful though...to not lose yourself or your sense of identity in your relationship. If she is unwilling to compromise or consider your feelings when you express something that truly means a lot to you, you need to reconsider the relationship. There is a fine line between what can make or break this kind of relationship. As a person who identifies as codependent, you need to know where that line is (because you can end up emotionally stomped on if it is crossed), and you need to know what you must do (like leave before she breaks you) if it is crossed.Finally, research the signs of domestic violence. Domestic violence is not just a physical sort of violence. As a codependent, you must be aware of whether this sort of mistreatment is occurring in your relationship and have an exit strategy if it is. While my partner is a caring man, my best friend (a codependent and more of a pushover than I am) was in a relationship with a narcissist who psychologically abused her, provided her with narcotics, and mistreated her in every non-physical way imaginable. She had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized as a result. She only wanted to please him...he wanted nothing to do with her unless it was on his terms. It's been 6 months since she moved away and she is still not right. Be aware of who you are and where the uncrossable line is. If she becomes abusive, take a stand and leave...no matter how wrong it feels to you or how much it may hurt.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (25 May 2011):
 You're completing each other now, hell, it may even feel perfect at times, but here's how I've seen a narcissist/co-dependent relationship playing out... assuming a serious case of narcissism.
Narcissist finds treatment from the co-dependent refreshing, is grateful at first. Over time, the narcissist feels more like their demands and behavior are normal/justified/deserved and may elevate their demands- which at times may border on irrational. The co-dependent continues to pander to the increasing demands of the narcissist- but with the narcissist becoming used to such royal treatment, begins to take the co-dependent for granted- inevitably becoming less grateful.
This results in the narcissist showing less gratitude to the co-dependent, the resentment builds, coupled with the fact that the co-dependent is doing more work, with less pay-off. The co-dependent responds to the lack of gratitude by either snapping from the pressure, or more likely- trying to do more and more to please the narcissist, even though they realize that they shouldn't.
The co-dependent has become a doormat. Door mats are not attractive. Cue the possibility of the narcissist becoming seduced by someone else who doesn't give them everything they want at the snap of their fingers.
Of course that's just how I've seen it play out.
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