A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Does this make any sense or am I wrong? Here's the scenario: a single guys is having a torrid love affair with a married woman for a long time. He only sleeps with her but does socialize with other women, and men of course, from time to time, but it's not based on sex or "hooking up". He is spotted public having dinner with another woman, and the married wayward spouse accuses him of being a liar and low-life. Without hearing anything out, the wayward spouse decides to end the affair and put s a cease and desist type of move on all forms of communication with her lover.I'm not condoning extramarital affairs, but accusing someone of cheating and being a degenerate low-life for having dinner with member of the opposite sex, all while you've been cheating on your spouse for years....does that make any sense?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for all your advice and input....much love!
Peace.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (4 July 2014):
 Now we are getting to the meat of this matter. Not why did she think he was cheating. Not is it fair/ just. The real question is why did she not give him a chance to explain? Did not this long long term affair mean enough to her to at least get the truth?
One reason that has been suggested, is that she was looking for a good time to break it off. Living in an affair is hugely stressful.
As for the rest, this guy should be told that he placed his trust and affections in a provenly distrustful person. He is fortunate that this ever lasted this long but it is now gone. He would be well advised to find a single partner next time.
FA
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 July 2014):
 Why can't the single guy leave the wayward spouse and search for a new, single partner? That is the smartest option by a mile!
You know *why* the wayward spouse is upset and jealous and freaked out because the single guy is having a social life, because she LIVES the life of the deceitful. She is portraying that lie towards her husband, so if that's her world, she'll see it in other guys she dates.
She *is* her own insecurity. If this were gambling, she'd be the one cheating at Texas Hold-em with the ace up her sleeve. She'd naturally see or perceive cheating in others as well.
Even if the single guy isn't doing anything, she sees it as such because that is her life. If she's doing it to someone, subconsciously she believes that it's gonna be done *to* her as well.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not saying that a cheater who has been cheated on doesn't have any right to speak out; that a cheater can't be jealous seeing the lover with another woman; that here aren't feelings involved; the cheater "deserves" it after all because she's been deceiving her spouse for many years. Far from it. It's devastating and I can totally understand that sinking feeling seeing your lover with someone else.
The point I'm trying to convey here is that should the lover sit idly by the phone until the wayward spouse contacts him, which can be twice a week to once every two weeks? Isn't the lover entitled to a social life that doesn't include sex with women? Why this visceral reaction from the wayward spouse and mean spirited outbursts as opposed to wanting to hear things out? The affair in question lasted as long as the timeline in which couples meet, get engaged, get married, and reach that five, six, year, or whatever itch. Why throw it all away?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 July 2014):
 I guess that technically the OP is right, it can sound a case a case of pot calling ketttle black...
Only technically, though.
It's a bit like saying that a bank robber has no right to press charges against a thief who steals his car ! Why should it be so ?
It's two separate, different " deals ".
I suppose the adilteress has reneged on her pact of loyalty toward her spouse, BUT has made a different pact with her lover. If she and the lover have promised each other to be faithful reciprocally, and to not bring into the relationship other parties ( besides the existing cuckholded husband ) , AND the lover has accepted that, I.e. to be exclusive with her, regardless of the presence of said husband,- I think it's far from irrational that she may be upset and irritated by what are, or SHE THINKS are, attempts to break this pact between herself and her lover.
In other words, if the implied or explicited agreement was , I am a married woman but you accept to only be with me, ...once the lover has accepted these conditions he should not feel free to play the " but you are married too " card. THAT's what would not make any sense, because he knew very well in what kind of deal he has got himself into.
If then the OP just means that the married woman is absurdly jealous and paranoid, and should not evince from a dinner with another woman the proof of betrayal, or the intention to betray, ah that's for sure. She is jealous and paranoid because she knows SHE is very willing and capable of betraying , and thinks everybody else will be like her.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 July 2014):
What is boils down to is - sounds like the person who's cheating on her husband should not throw stones when she lives in a glass house, right? Otherwise known as "the pot calling the kettle black"?
It's true, you'd think that a woman who lives a lie and blows apart her marriage has no moral footing whatsoever to call anyone out on cheating behavior. On the surface, I fullheartedly agree with you on that score.
BUT - and I want to qualify this by saying that I have never been a cheater, but I have had close friends who HAVE, and there's this HUGE rationale when it comes to their relationship with their spouse versus their relationship with their guy-on-the-side. She may be thinking that she's in this elaborate illicit romance, and that her marriage is her "cover" until she can BE with the illicit affair guy. To a woman, it's not "just sex", but this big emotional intrigue. She believes that the husband is the crutch to be borne for the sake of the children, or family norms, or financial whatever, but really, she believes in her obsessive way, that her heart is taken with the illicit guy, and that she's rationalized that she's not cheating in her heart.
What she's freaking out over is the true reality of cheating. She is confronted withe cheating's true nature, which is that he believes that sex is sex, and that an illicit affair is sex-on-the-side no-strings fun until actual demands of relationship or commitment are made. She's got this whole "exclusivity" thing while having deluded dreams of "someday, I'll be free to be with you forever", and he's thinking "she's an untapped resource of sex and desperation, and since she's married, exclusivity isn't a factor". In short, he's single and still out on the field, and she's upset that she's not his everything, but just one of several courses meant to feed his ego and sexual adventure.
That's why she's all freaked out and accusatory. And, she's probably wondering why the hell she'd betray her husband and invest herself at total risk for a single guy who in her mind has just shown her that he views her with a lot less regard than what she believes her risk has warranted.
Twisted, huh? I've actually heard this story more than a few times in real life from cheating women who find out that the man-mistress she's been obsessed about doesn't see her as his everything, but simply a slice of cake until he decides the emotional toll and baggage is just too much for him and moves on, leaving her afraid that she's gonna get caught (like 99% of cheaters eventually do) and tossed out in the cold instead of the waiting arms her seemingly knight-in-shining-armor represented.
But yes, in the end, the lesson she should learn is that for all the flowery words, sighs in the bedroom of illicit hotels and clandestine trysting spots, the Bridges Of Madison County melodrama, the oaths of pillow talk beneath the sheets, and the promises, cheating serves itself, and he is as selfish and disloyal as she is. One sin does not cancel another, but it should throw up a big mirror for her to gaze at and get a small taste of how her husband will feel when he catches her.
Her tiny, bittersweet, spoonful of justice and karma. I don't know if she'll take it to heart and learn her lesson. However, the single guy should leave her and start dating SINGLE women, because even if he's not sleeping with other people, the fact that he can be an accomplice to destroying a marriage and devastating a family means that he's as morally bankrupt as she is.
Those are my two cents. Cheating breeds cheating. A relationship built on the destruction of trust is horrendously weak, and there should be no surprise that the biggest cheaters are often the most distrustful and paranoid of all.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2014): I know a different story to tell. There was a husband and a wife, he was very well off. She had financially stable life with him, 2 children. His family loved her and she loved them back. Years passed, children grew and left the house. At the age of 40, she met another man who became the love of her life for many decades until he died. Her husband was never much in bed, a bit on a boring side. Never liked to travel. The lover took her places, they had passionate sex and never got tired of each other.
Then her husband passed away, and few years later her lover. Her lover never got married, she was the only love for him.,they traveled the world and couldn't get enough of each other.
That was a story of an 84 years old woman. I bet she would throw a fit if she saw her lover dining with another woman.
And by the way I am not buying for a second " just having dinner with a member of opposite sex".
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2014): The other respondent has an excellent point when she says:
...what bothers me the most in your post is that you ( or some guy) sleeps with that woman and afterwards thinks that she has no right to feel what she feels only because she is " bad" because she is a cheater.
You sleep with a woman judging her for sleeping with you. That's kind of low in my opinion.
The woman in question is probably just very unhappy in, but dependent on, her relationship with her husband. She sees you as special and a "one off" and believed you had an understanding and a kind of loyalty to one another. Yes of course it's far from perfect and not morally sound, but people so very, very often are this way.
She's hurt by what you did. And quite possibly her unresolved feelings of guilt about what she's doing with you have kicked in. All in one go. It feels too "messy" suddenly and the quickest way for her to try to resolve it is to let you go and to figure things out thereafter, whether with her husband or not.
But the other reader makes a good point that I want to add to. You have 'kept this woman in her place', at least in your heart, by going for someone ultimately unavailable. Whilst you are sleeping with her and judging her for being deceitful towards her husband, you are keeping your emotions ultimately unavailable. Despising someone, being angry with someone, hating someone - in secret especially - are ways to protect your more vulnerable feelings. It puts a defence between you and the other person.
She will sense this without necessarily understanding it. Going for dinner with a woman implies a different kind of intimacy, one that you don't have with her and that you've never given to her. Why is that? Why do you feel a need to keep her compartmentalised with her husband and with your feelings ultimately safe and compartmentalised too?
If you care for this woman at all then try to talk to her about the whole issue and resolve it. She's probably secretly hoped you'd take things further and start a real relationship not based on illicit sex. If you can't give her that then be honest - but don't just blame her. Look at your own behaviour and your motives for getting into this situation. To sleep with a woman and despise her for sleeping with you - that's a twisted form of hate. So ask yourself, where is the love, if any and for anyone, in your heart?
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (4 July 2014):
Some women tend to reach that level of crazy pretty easily. But can you blame em? The woman in question had to deal with that idea of cheating for many years and at some point she convinced herself that it was the right thing to do. Perhaps this was just her way of moving on and she needed the nudge in the right direction. Who knows, but I don't see any good deeds done on either party so I am not sure what reasonable advice there is to give here.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2014): It depends on a relationship that two people have. In general if you guys having an affair, and she is not willing to leave her husband for you, and then seeing you with another women gets mad , in my eyes it's just... Not very reasonable. BUT... if you guys are all a very intimate lovers with high emotional investment, seeing each other often, doing things together... And she is believing that you are just with her, and then she sees you with another women, then I can understand why she got upset and ended it. May be she DOES wants to have the best of both worlds, so what, at least she knows what she wants. And if you gave her an impression that this is what she is getting, and then went out with another woman, of course she will get mad. But what bothers me the most in your post is that you ( or some guy) sleeps with that woman and afterwards thinks that she has no right to feel what she feels only because she is " bad" because she is a cheater.You sleep with a woman judging her for sleeping with you. That's kind of low in my opinion.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 July 2014):
 I'm sure it made sense to HER.
I'm sure she saw what she WANTED to see. The fact that SHE is a cheat she might presume that everyone else are too, that way it's EASIER for her to excuse her cheating.
And maybe it was because HE was willing to be the boy-toy for HER he might be willing for any other woman.
Honestly, why CARE what this lady thinks?
And a guy who has a torrid affair with a married woman is barely.... any "better" or hold ANY higher morals ground then the married woman.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@fatherlyadvice - I would have to say "a little bit of all of the above". The main thing that I find telling is that she automatically assumes that her lover having dinner with a female = sex. So, does that revert back to the perception is actually projection factor? The fact that she has secret dinners, lunches with her lover?
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female
reader, maisy1  +, writes (3 July 2014):
Getting involved with a married woman and expecting to be treated right in return? Aint gonna happen! If she will deceive her hubby and put her husband health at risk, she wont give a flying fuck about her sex toy male friend.
I don't agree with some of the comments about both being cheats: if he is single he is not technically cheating, but she most certainly is. However He should be judged as being not very nice as he is willing to shag a woman while her husband and children are not looking. This woman wanted exclusivity with the guy while having two men on the go herself. Nice. So to me her comments were, if not unfair, then at least ignorant and pathetic.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (3 July 2014):
What you are saying is that this cheating woman is not only a low life degenerate cheat, she is also a hypocrite.
Or are you saying that she already knew plenty about his character from he knowledge of what he was willing to do with her so she should not have been surprised?
Or just that it really does take one to know one.
FA
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2014): What's good for the goose, is good for the gander. One cancels out the other; when both are cheats.
They can call each other anything they like. It's the pot calling the kettle. Cheaters hate being cheated on. Hopefully they have a huge falling out, the husband finds out; and divorce brings this drama to a grand finale.
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male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (3 July 2014):
 Does it make any sense? Well yes because some people want their cake and eat it and get nasty when they cant have that. This married woman wants her bit on the side to fulfil her sexual needs exclusively while she has the emotional and financial stability of her marriage with her husband to fall back on. She wants the best of both worlds on her terms, to suit her. No doubt she would be the first to explode if it transpired that her husband, whom she had cheated on, had a hot bit of stuff somewhere on the boil.
If this married woman is willing to cheat on her husband, and possibly children, then she is not the loving, amazing, caring woman the single guy who is sleeping with her probably thinks she is. If she will deceive her husband and risk hurting her family for extra marital sex then why would she act like a perfect Lady to her bit on the side?
If someone gets involved with a married man or woman then they should be prepared for that person to be less than honest or decent in return. Don't trust a cheat or expect the normal relationship rules to apply. Its like joining a gong of villains - they are likely to screw you over to get what they want.
Mark
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 July 2014):
 The form of your "question" sounds as if you believe that there is a fixed amount of angst and vitriole available in the world... so, if the wronged spouse uses it - toward the cad who is cheating with the wife - then there's none left for the cad to use to direct at the (his) philandering partner.
Fact is, there is an infinite amount of goofiness and craziness in this world.... so you can pile on - to anyone else - as much as you wish. How much THEY pile back on to you will be unaffected...
Great question.....
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