A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,am thirty five,an my girlfriend just broke up with me,after six months,I treated her really good, she said the reason for breaking up with me is, am to romantic,am not a challenge, should I just move on,or try to win her back.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2016): Who dates a man for 6 months and then decides she is being smothered with too much romance too soon? That problem shows up after a few days or weeks, not half a year.
The correct answer for what happened here is probably the simple one. The girlfriend already said it in plain English:
She gets turned off by being treated too well. She didn't want a nice guy.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 March 2016):
 Eh, move on. Sorry, but that is an odd excuse. Theres no such thing as being too romantic, although there IS such a thing as not being compatible. Whatever her reasons for ending things, you should focus on the fact that she ended it, and not on whether or not you should change or try to win her back or whatever. If she wanted to be with you, she could have, by not ending things. By ending it she is saying she doesn't want you. And then I don't think you should care too much about whatever reason she gave, because in almost all cases, the reason is just that there wasn't real chemistry and that the person wasn't feeling it. Doesn't mean you did anything wrong! But not all people are suited for each other.
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A
female
reader, LJCX  +, writes (22 March 2016):
 Jls is spot on, romance is good after you build a good relationship, not be used as a tool to get that good relationship. Nothing worse than some romantic and charming man sweeping you off your feet and then a year later he forgets your birthday. It could come across as doing things in order to get what you want not because you actually feel a lot for her. If you do this with every love interest you have it's not really special or unique then. I've been flat broke in the past and my boyfriend who I was only seeing a month bought me a massive tv for my birthday and kept wanting to spend silly amounts on me but it just made me feel so uncomfortable and inadequate that I couldn't do the same.Don't lose faith and cut out the romance completely because of the way one woman felt, of course there are people out there who would love all of that. You just have to judge their reactions the first time you do it. I like romance when the time is right not turning up to work and having roses delivered to me. Some people feel a little embarrassed by it. You started seeing a woman who wasn't into all of that so you weren't compatible but you weren't to know.Women get labelled as gold diggers and attention seekers far too much and say they need constant attention so perhaps there are girls that like to make it clear that they don't want it that way.If she ended things because she doesn't like all this romantic attention trying to win her back would probably make things worse. Say you text her giving her copious amounts of compliments I suspect she'd not really appreciate it. Stay silent and you never know that could make her think why isn't he interested any more. She's saying she likes a challenge so you making all the moves won't work.She's backing off and being distant and that's making you think about her, so in theory if you did that she'd think the same. Don't hold out for that though, just stay silent and if it happens it happens. Have a good think whether you'd want a girlfriend who makes you feel you can't be the romantic softy that you are, you wouldn't want to feel you have to modify your behaviour to keep a relationship. You like doing it.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (22 March 2016):
I'm a total romantic and always have been, but even I agree there can be such a thing as too much. Many men seem to find this a difficult concept to grasp for some reason, and these are usually the guys that think women like to be treated poorly. Not so. Women, actually scratch that - people, like others who value themselves and don't try too hard to please others. Sometimes guys who are overly romantic are coming across as exactly that. It's as if they think acting like the lead from a romcom guarantees a woman will fall head over heels for him, when in fact it often comes across as generic and cheesy instead.
OP, Romance is ALL about it being personal to the person you are aiming it at. Rose petals on the bed and the like have been done to death and can sometimes feel a bit like the guy is going through the 'romance handbook' without putting any thought or personalisation into it. Whereas arriving home to dinner on the table after a particularly long day might not seem romantic at all to some people, but it would be to me because it shows the other person has thought about what I would like and need. You need to know the other person to get it right.
Which brings me to my final (and in my opinion most important) point and the one many men don't realise. Romance works well AFTER a connection has already developed between two people. Trying to use it to build said connection can feel awkward and insincere.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2016): Nice Guys finish last.
This is not a smartass remark. Its legitimate good advice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2016): In my opinion, it could have been that she felt smothered by the attention. Depending on her personality, she might have found you needy and clingy. Since you have not said what these gestures were, I would think she was trying to be as kind as possible in rejecting you with saying you were too romantic. What you deem as romantic may have come of as too much for her...some people need their space and such gestures can be overwhelming.
Speaking from experience with the "too romantic" guy...for me it was too much too soon.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 March 2016):
 I agree with Cindy.
Everything with moderation. And EVERYTHING with sincerity. Romantic gestures when not done right comes across as fake and cheesy (not saying that yours did, but maybe?). Some people go a little over the top in the beginning of a relationship, they do everything to excess to show HOW interested they are, but here is the thing with that... it's NOT sustainable! And she knows that too.
My husband doesn't have a romantic bone in his body, but he does on occasion surprise me. And that is nice. Because it FEELS sincere.
And maybe she is the kind of woman who rather be seen as an equal partner and not some damsel on a pedestal. Each woman is different.
Serpico might be right, that she sees you as a BETA, not an ALPHA.
You tried, she wasn't a good match to your personality. Next time, I'd dial it down a little. Romance is great, in smaller doses. And I think romantic gestures means a LOT more when you actually know the person well, because then you know exactly what they "need" and like.
Does it mean you did something wrong? No necessarily, except pick a woman who wasn't a fan of your version of romance.
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By the way could you give some examples of your attempts of romance? Maybe the aunties and uncles can give you some constructive suggestions for what to do and not do in the future?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 March 2016):
 Yes, a man can be too romantic - as he can be " too " much of anything- and too much is never a good thing. Moderation is the key.
Like, sweets- candies cakes pastries etc. A few pieces of something sugary are tasty and appealing. Too many, with too much sugar in them, will give you nausea and indigestion.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (22 March 2016):
 Long gone are the days of treating woman like a glass vestal. Not to say that chivalry and romance is dead but too much can be smothering. Speaking for myself I like a man with a bit of grunt. For some woman it can be seen as a sign of weakness and all that little bit too easy even predictable. Now where is the fun in that? The key is to find a happy balance or someone more suitable.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (22 March 2016):
Yes, you can be. Your girlfriend basically told you she wants an alpha, not a beta. Be appreciative that she was so honest - she gave you very valuable information.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 March 2016):
 Hi, yes, I think you should just move on. There is an older gentleman here who has written about his courtship of women who do not appreciate all the gestures and romance he offers. He has written very similar questions to yours.
For one lady he was courting, he threw rose petals for a dance, he’d done the music on a CD and she didn’t pick up the rose petals or save them. It was very distressing for the man who didn’t understand why that gesture didn’t totally blow her away, romantically speaking.
This same gentleman had tried to court a woman who was just out of an abusive relationship and struggled with that, and then went back to the man she’d been with before meeting the gentleman.
So, what does that have to do with you, you might ask. Well, I’m guessing that you are that gentleman, who has been struggling to understand why. Why wouldn’t she appreciate all you have to offer and all you did offer?
In this question, you write she said you were too romantic. And not a challenge.
I’d take the “too romantic” comment in this case as you try to do too much too soon.
And I’d reflect on the “not a challenge” comment. Perhaps she meant she didn’t have to do anything to get your attention. Or perhaps she meant that you and she didn’t have an intellectual give and take that she might desire in a love interest.
She’s not going to be your next big love story, I don’t think you will win her over with romantic gestures, sorry.
So, let her go.
And, dear OP, please do try to understand that your one size fits all approach to courtship isn’t working.... you do need to tone it down. Sorry that doesn’t match your romance storybook.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2016): You went overboard trying to be Prince Charming. It's unreal and far too much fantasy to keep-up.
To be totally frank, a large majority of single and dating women don't have a clue what they want. They know nothing about men; and a vast majority came from fatherless homes or divorced dysfunctional families. If not just a series of f*cked-up relationships created largely from their own lack of knowledge of what a good man is. Even worse, male prototypes created in their own imaginations. Many have no clue what type of traits he should possess. They want to be worshiped; but when they are, you get what you've described has happened to you.
If they even deserve a good man!!! The most insecure types seek good men for their strength and sap him of all his good energy. Constantly reassuring and catering to their endless and insurmountable insecurities. They have trust-issues and body-image problems and have twisted notions of what men seem to prefer in women; even when they don't have a snowball's chance in hell of getting such a fantasy female.
Many women of this century seem struck with insecurities and carry around baggage from one relationship to the next. A lot of self-loathing, low self-esteem, and too many are prone to make unwise choices. Never once learning from their mistakes. A good man comes along, and he will get totally over-looked or mistreated; because they're looking for something created in their head, not what actually walks, talks, and breaths air.
Being romantic doesn't necessarily make a man a good man.
Players are often romantic and good at sweeping women off their feet. It comes across as phony, silly, and sometimes
a bit contrived; if not flat out over-done to the point it's downright irritating. Women are very perceptive and see through things. Unfortunately, many don't know when and how to use their special gifts from nature to their best advantage. It's often used to manipulate or destroy through scornful acts and suspicion.
Cynicism aside, it's not that there are less good people. It's just all the types that I've described get in our way before we find what we're looking for. They have a purpose. They teach us survival skills, what we don't want or should avoid, help us to develop our list of deal-breakers; and help us to finally determine what is actually the right match for us. You do have to "kiss a few frogs," as they say. It's all in the challenge. As your ex-girlfriend put it.
Tone it down. Stop trying so hard if doesn't work. You're a man, we are logical thinkers. We don't let emotions sway every move we make. Not saying women do, but they allow emotion to be a major part of how they approach things. They have a better mind than men in doing that. It seems to work for them. It seems to balance things out naturally and it's the main reason the world hasn't been blown completely to smithereens by now. They protect men from ourselves!
Then there's a huge group of men out there who have never had a positive male role-model in their lives. Sons of absentee-fathers, or they grow-up in households of pot-bellied beer-guzzling misogynists, narcissists, and chauvinists who are good for nothing more than breeding. So their wayward offspring mold their character after macho jerks in sports, or characters in those awful movies that depict men as nothing more than a dick with arms and legs.
They shed the filters of reason and good-character. Say and do things without really thinking. Then we wonder why women react to us the way they do? Not able to appreciate really good men; because a small group of bad men can do a lot of collateral damage. They always seem to choose them first!
Go figure?!!
Your girlfriend broke-up with you; because you smothered her in love and placed her up on a pedestal. It's hard to be held to a high standard and worshiped; because we expect perfection from what we idolize. Dial it back, and you'll see the difference.
You may assume making her feel worshiped makes her feel good. That depends on how far you go with it and what you perceive as romantic. It may not necessarily translate well in your delivery. It may seem creepy. Even if it's sappy sweet. No, there is no challenge when a man goes overboard proving his love, when it can be shown in simpler and more sincere ways. She felt you were a pushover. She probably wasn't very nice to you; and you put-up with her bad behavior because you were so infatuated.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (22 March 2016):
No, it is not a common reason.
Maybe she is not articulating her reasons well?
Maybe she felt you were moving too fast? Maybe she felt you were clingy? It is also possible that you overdid it, speaking for myself I love romance but constant romantic behavior might drive me a little batty. I love it when it is appropriate but mostly I want my partner to be my friend and confidante, someone I can laugh, talk and cry with.
There's a delicate balance to be sure when it comes to us females.
Also possible as another aunt said that she likes bad boys and for whatever reason has an expectation to be treated poorly.
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A
female
reader, miss frank +, writes (22 March 2016):
What an amazing quality you have there! She didn't appreciate you- another girl will! Move on and don't look back! Some girl will be thrilled to receive such a quality in a man
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (22 March 2016):
 move on. She needs/wants a guy who will mistreat her....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 March 2016):
 I think the best thing for you to do is to move on. Some women like a man who plays hard to get, they like the challenge. Yet others love the romance. It just wasn't meant to be for you and her. You where two different people. This doesn't mean that you done anything wrong, it just means that you where not the type of guy that she was looking for. Move on and keep yourself busy and active. You will feel a lot better in no time. Best of luck.
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