A
male
age
41-50,
*ncle_J
writes:Can an Born again christian and an Atheist marry?I've been with my girlfriend for near 10 months now and we have very strong feelings for each other. I am an atheist but I hide under the title of a catholic. I don't believe in Satan, I simply do not believe that God or jesus are real or remotely possible. My girl friend on the other hand is a born again christian who wants her parents love and they are christians to the extreme! I go to church with her 2-3 sundays per month because I in a way like that she has a release from the pressures of life and wouldn't ever take a crutch from an injured person. We've been talking about marrying and settling down a lot and right when i'm about to go out for the ring, she mentions how much she wishes that I were christian too so things would go smoother for her family and her friends but assures me that she loves me to death do us part no matter. I was decently okay with this statment as I wish she didn't need this crutch. But then she said to me that in her mind she hopes that I will see the light one day so I can go to heaven with her.That was IT! I told her that it seems like she has some serious thinking to do "Keep in mind that doing this is killing me inside because i'm madly in love here" and that I am NEVER going to "believe" that it goes against everything that seems logical to me and also mentioned that I could tell her whatever she wanted to hear but it wouldn't be true.should I just tell her what she wants even though there's no chance i'll ever see it her way or should I stand by my guns and hope for the best? Or maybe worse, should I highly consider getting out of dodge? "Not an easy one because i'm pretty deep into this" I could maybe just aviod this topic for the rest of my life too...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2007): I cannot accept that misleading your girlfriend will work. You say you love her madly but is this really love or lust or feeling that without her would lose your crutch. The logic of not believing in God is based on your belief that in this way you can avoid the responsibility for your conduct. Have you ever lied. Yes you are telling her lies. Have you ever stolen anything then this makes you a liar. Have you ever looked at a girl lustfully. The Jesus said you are an adulterer at heart. Then if you die tomorrow and face God you will be found guilty and you would inherit Hell with all the other liars, thieves and adulterers. Grow up and accept your moral responsibilities and stop living in your own world with your own concept of God, which by the way is idolatry.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2007): it is not a good idea at all I know from experience it does say in the bible what as light and darkness got in common you would or could end compromising your faith in the Lord remember if you are not born again and your girlfriend is not interested, she is not of God
what as satan and God got in common my marriage ended up a diaster because i had to choose between him and the Lord so i chose the Lord
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female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (22 February 2007):
 C'mon, please do not insult atheists by lumping them all together as being people who 'usually' have/do/say something. They have as much right to their beliefs as Christians, Muslims and Jedi warriors have to theirs. Live and let live.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2007):
I doubt that it will work.
Athesits are usually major pills who usually have to feel sumggly superior to everyone else and go around making side remarks about the ark. Which appears to be true in your case- "crutch from an injured person", ugh.
You do realize that this "I simply do not believe that God or jesus are real or remotely possible" is not really cogent? An omnipient being does not have to be possible under some system. Its existance is neither provable or unprovable- perhaps you may recall that is the point of faith.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2007): Ok let me tell you I'm from the most unpopular religion around right now, Terrorism:-P just kidding, Muslim. But my girlfriend is Buddhist and just like a devout christian and an aithiest(sp?) we're pretty much on opposing sides. But we've talked things through and have accepted that neither of us are going to change faiths and totally decided what'll happen if we ever have kids. Once we got big issues like that out of the way, it was pretty simple to keep things going well between us. I think you and your partner really need to talk things through and preferably accept that neither of you are going to change your beliefs but then again, neither of you will prevent the other from believing what they do.It would be easier if you both shared the same beliefs but just cos something's difficult doesn't mean it cant be done. Tell her your faiths are different and accept each other (more like she should accept you) for who you are and not to try and force changes. But seriously, pretending you believe is probably the worst thing (you dont wanna start a marriage with one of the biggest lies possible!)
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2007): You love this woman, so you face this religious issue with her head on. This what mature, loving couples do when they face a dilemma such as this. Many people with opposing religious views do marry and are quite successful. Two key words...respect and compromise. This will be needed tomake this whole thing work. Your relationship is building momentum here and that could mean marriage and kids, in your future..maybe not. But, so many couples really, really do underestimate the huge impact of an unshared religious life, until they bring children in to their lives. Then that is usually where the real problems will begin. You need to be aware of this. You both need to sit down and talk. It's time to discuss your differences and discover whether they work for or against your relationship and your future and that of possible children. Compromise is the key to keeping your relationship afloat; the two of you will simply have to learn how to communicate your needs with each other and make sacrifices. Make sure you are heard and understood. Your needs need to be equally met and considered, as well. Sometimes relationships when one or the other keep on making continual sacrifices for the other, resentment can eventually rear it's ugly head. Some folks do believe, that if a marriage ever does occur, that one of you should definitely 'convert'. The reason many of them say this is because they feel it's very important to any family is because one the most greatest bonding elements of a marriage and family, is a mutually embraced religion in which a whole family can worship together. I am not stating whether I am right or wrong here. I am just saying I have seen both sides of the fence. I 've seen religious issues rip a wonderfully married couple apart when kids came into the picture and I have seen it not make any difference with other couples who had different religious beliefs. It all comes down to your genuine respect for other's thoughts, opinions and ideals. My suggestion is, before you marry or continue on bonding to the point where you both will marry someday-a compromise must be reached before children come along. You have a lot of talking to do with your gf. I wish you good luck and best wishes.
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (21 February 2007):
It's true what has been said. Each relationship is different. The biased advice that has been given on here by hyjacking anons is slightly, sorry make that VERY one sided.
Things can work between any faith, colour, creed, religion, gender...WHATEVER....as long as people are tolerant enough to allow the other person their own freedom of expression and freedom to live as an individual as well as part of a couple...
Pete, I feel your exsasperation hunny!! Ironic, you make some VERY valid points and I agree with those, Stina, you can be spot on in your arguments. The anon who is against this sort of pairing, please stop 'hiding' behind you anon status and come out and debate...on the forums is probably the correct place though!!
To the question asker, try this relationship!! allow each other the space to be your own people whilst loving each other the best you can...
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2007): argh *cringe* DearCupidReader is the reason why born again Christian's have such a bad reputation on this planet.
Anyone so fundamentalist should certainly stick to their own kind, easier for everyone. :)
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male
reader, ironic nostalgia +, writes (21 February 2007):
 to the anonymous female reader below:i think unclej's situation is a bit different from your past experiences. unclej's girlfriend does not appear to be so hung up on his lack of religiosity, but rather what her family and friends think of that lack of religiosity.unclej writes that "she mentions how much she wishes that I were christian too so things would go smoother for her family and her friends," which to me suggests that his girlfriend is worried about what her family and friends would think of such a union.if this is really the case (and unclej's girlfriend accepts his atheism), then perhaps unclej should talk to his girlfriend about how to deal with intolerant family members and friends.it doesn't seem to be impossible for a religious person and a non-religious person to have a working relationship if both people involved have an understanding and an acceptance of each other. it seems to me that you (anonymous female reader) did not have that level of acceptance in your past relationships. if unclej and his girlfriend do, then their situation would be entirely different from your past ones.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2007): Nope I am sorry. I am Christian and if your girl is strong in her faith –which I pray she is; that will ALWAYS been between you too. I know from experience: I dated lots of guys not Christian and always KNEW I’d never ever marry them. Because I knew that who I would spend the rest of my life with had to share the same faith. I did love these othere guys, but I met my husband in church and you know what I loved the best about my husband while dating? That he was strong in his faith, that he is a God frearing man, and that makes our relationship work. We agree on how we want to raise our children and it’s just a pleasure sharing your faith, love and fear of the Lord with your spose. I’m sorry but I don’t see it working out for either of you. I know. My boyfriends went to church w/me too and I knew deep down that they didn’t feel it. It’s the conviction that the Lord gives us that we just can’t even if we try. Best of luck to ya and leave the girl alone if you can; again it would be the best for both of you. Trust me
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reader, ironic nostalgia +, writes (21 February 2007):
i wasn't going to post about this, but seeing that this thread has already been allowed to be hijacked by dearcupidreader, i cannot be quiet any longer.first, i must say, your advice to unclej is insulting. you've put words in his mouth, as well. nowhere did unclej say that he "kn[ew] its wrong" for an atheist and a born again christian to marry. and simply asking the question does not imply that unclej thinks the union is wrong. that's a value judgment of your creation that you've imposed onto unclej.unclej, before i get to my advice for you, i must advise that you disregard the post from dearcupidreader. it's more like proselytizing than actual advice to you about your situation. repenting and all that crap isn't going to get you anywhere. it's obvious from your posts that you cannot just give up on logic and reason and dive into a world of irrationality and superstition.i think you are doing the right thing now -- talking to your girlfriend about her issues with your atheism is the only way to nip this in the bud. you shouldn't have to change at all, and in fact, you aren't asking her to change. you even put up with all of her religious tendencies! i think for her to show you the same respect about your atheism is the least you could ask from her. not to mention that getting her to understand this concept will help avoid future problems down the road that may not involve religion. acceptance is key to any relationship.basically, i see the problem being her lack of acceptance of your convictions. if she won't accept you, or forces you to change, or (even worse) forces you to put on a charade for her and her family, would you really want to stay in that relationship? would you be a happy person? would she be a happy person? probably not.hopefully she is willing to be tolerant of your ideas, and accept you for who you are. anything else would be building a shaky foundation for the future.
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reader, stina +, writes (21 February 2007):
 (my link for "The End of Faith" book won't stay posted for some reason and I've tried a couple of times. Oh, well. I guess you can just look it up on amazon. heh)
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reader, stina +, writes (21 February 2007):
Hi again J,(You sound a lot like me! I grew up Catholic and stopped going to my confirmation classes because my parents decided they'd leave it up to me. I didn't start reading up on other religions, atheism, etc until about 6 years ago, though*.)I think it's really a great decision for you to do research on everything. I'm glad that you and your girlfriend seem to be able to have a serious discussion about this sort of thing, too. I know a lot of times religion can be a really tough topic to discuss and can quickly turn into a heated argument. People have to remember that you're not out to personally attack them - everyone has their own choice in things. Just make sure that you both respect each other's decision to follow seperate paths on the subject. Agree to disagree, I guess.There should be no reason for you two to have to split up if you always have open communication and remain respectful to one another. ^_^*Not sure if you mind, but I thought I'd give you a list of books that I've read that I think you may be interested in (if you'd like any other recommendations, please let me know!):- Losing Faith in Faith: From Preacher to Atheist by Dan Barker (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1877733075/002-5045192-9004844)- Atheist Universe: Why God Didn't Have a Thing to Do With It by David Mills (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1413434819/002-5045192-9004844)- The End of Faith: Religion, Terror and the Future of Reason by Sam Harris- Why I'm Not a Christian by Bertrand Russell (http://users.drew.edu/~jlenz/whynot.html)
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reader, DearCupidReader +, writes (21 February 2007):
 Hi I’m a fellow Christian too, and the answer my friend, you’ve already answered by asking this question -knowing its wrong is why you asked to begin with and not because of prejudice etc. but because even though it’s 2007, the Bible is still the word of God.
Here are some refreshers for you (We all need them):
2 Corinthians 6:14 says:
"Do not be teamed with those who do not love the Lord, for what do the people of God have in common with the people of sin? How can light live with darkness?" (LB)
Let it go. Repent to God for willfully disobeying His Word and defying the testimony of your own spirit. He is clear that as believers we are not to be unequally yoked.
That command includes not just marriage, but dating relationships (after all, what are dating relationships for if not for finding a mate?). If, however, you repent (& I know that word sounds harsh, but you know I don’t mean it in a derogaroty way), allow God to cleanse you and start over by dating for the purpose of finding a suitable mate (as defined by God's Word).
The fact that you're escaping this relationship not married to someone who does not profess Christ is a sign of God's great mercy. May you give Him the praise He is due & many blessings to you ^_^
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reader, Uncle_J +, writes (21 February 2007):
Uncle_J is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the replies, I was raised in a catholic family. I did communion, catechism etc. and was baptized. I stopped following it all when my parents allowed me too around 12 years old. Since then I've learned tro trust my "gut" and follow my heart and to simply live by what I see as moral and acceptable the best that I can.I have never looked up religion before now because I haven't been in a situation like this before. Since I concider myself a logical and intellegent person, I must collect all facts possible to be able to hold up my end of a debate when it comes down to it. otherwise, I wouldn't be concidered intelligent but ignorant instead. Ignorance is not a respected trait I being respected is something that goes hand and hand with being moral in my eyes. so this is why there are sites for atheist, I believe.:-)I'm taking the advice of getting this subject completely covered and out in the open now. a few hours ago her and I started corresponding via email from work and have gotten a lot closed already.I'll update tonight for others who may wonder how these duscussions peg out.Uncle_J
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reader, stina +, writes (21 February 2007):
To the anonymous poster below:
"Ummm ok, why is there a website on people who don't believe in God??"
To be informative on various topics of atheism. duh. lol
"If they don't beleive in God and have to assert themselves over people who do beleive God exists, then surely the whole concept about whether there is a God or not, is turning in favour of there actually being a God in order to have this argument."
I see what you're saying, but your statement is incorrect. It's ridiculous that people have to prove that gods don't exist, but that is the result of society and culture. What should happen is that people should have to prove that gods DO exist.
Since this has nothing to do with the original question, please pm me if you'd like to discuss any of this further. You could also post about it in the forums. ^_^
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2007): Re; Stina -Ummm ok, why is there a website on people who don't believe in God?? (Atheists) If they don't beleive in God and have to assert themselves over people who do beleive God exists, then surely the whole concept about whether there is a God or not, is turning in favour of there actually being a God in order to have this argument.
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reader, willywombat +, writes (21 February 2007):
My husband is agnostic. I am Protestant Christian. (Not born again, just plain old fashioned type).
Our marriage works.
End of....
xx
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reader, stina +, writes (21 February 2007):
Hi there Uncle J,I totally understand where you're coming from - I'm also an atheist. I agree with dragonette. I think that your girlfriend needs to respect your beliefs as you respect her's. It doesn't seem like that is happening (probably because relgion controls people with fear tactics. She's afraid you're going to burn in hell, yadda, yadda, yadda so she's trying to "save" you. But the only thing it's doing is pushing you away, right?)From what you've posted, it just seems like she keeps badgering you while you don't bother her about believing in the supernatural. You could easily be countering her claims, but it doesn't seem like you do that. It seems as though you're trying to keep the peace more than anything. Now think about this - are you going to be able to keep doing this for 5 years, 10 years, 30 years...? I think that you two really need to talk about this and get everything on the table. Because trying to keep the peace is one thing - but being hounded by someone about something so personal such as what religion you are or aren't is sure to wear on you and cause bitter feelings sometime down the road.I think that if I were in your position, I'd hold off on the whole marriage thing. Especially if you have to pretend to be Catholic. What's that about? Is it because of her family's view on you? Is it because of your family's view of view? Are you afraid people will think you worship Satan? (I only say that because that's what you wrote in your post. Atheism doesn't have anything to do with Satan. Satan and gods and Jesus...they're interchangeable. They've never exsisted, so it wouldn't make sense to worship any one of them. People don't seem to understand that. Many times Christians just lump all non-believers into being Satan worshipers because in their eyes all atheist, agnostics, freethinkers, satanists, etc are essentially leading the same sort of life/lifestyle as a Satan worshipper.) But yeah, I don't get why you're hiding being an atheist.I think you should have a look at the American Atheists website*. There's a whole section on "coming out" as an Athiest. I think it'd be very beneficial for you to read. There is also a part on weddings you might want to look over, as well. ^_^Take care.* http://www.atheists.org/comingout/
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reader, Cool Cucumber +, writes (21 February 2007):
 She knew you were'nt a christian before getting heavily involved with you didn't she? So if she really were true to her faith she should never have even dated you, that's why you are both in the mess you're in now! It's good that she has been upfront about her faith, but I feel it is unfair that she should pressure you in a decision that you can't come to. You can't understand the relationship she has with God, she can't understand it goes beyond your logical thinking and comprehension to beleive in God. No win situation.
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reader, dragonette  +, writes (21 February 2007):
 This one seems to be more up to your girlfriend than you. She needs to realize that just like you respect her for who she is (believing in illogic things and all), she needs to respect you for who you are and not try to change that.
One of my co-workers is married to a religious woman, and he himself doesn't believe in god, but they seem to get along well, so clearly there are some people who manage this.
I think you need to have a calm chat with your girlfriend and let her know that you love her deeply, but you feel you need to let her know that you will most likely never "see the light" and that if she still wants you she needs to take you as you are and not try to convert you.
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