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writes: Dear everyone, Hi I have been married to my husband since May 11th 2013. We havebeen together for almost 8 years. He has never shown any signs of being bi sexual or gay. Well the other morning he didn't expect me home for awhile but my daughter threw up on the way to school, so I turned around. I walked in the house and the neighbor man was sitting on our couch and my husband was upstsirs using the bathroom. Well he never uses the bathroom upstairs. The neighbor left. I found my husbands underwear on the steps. My husband said he was getting ready to take a bath and the neighbor just walked in. So he quickly put his pants on. My husband never takes a bath. The entire situation is stressing me out. Am I overreacting? The signs point to something started to happen. But I can't believe my husband would ever do anything with a man. What do you all think? Please I need helpful advice. Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2013): Your husband's story is too implausible. What are the changes that on the one day he decides to take a bath (when he never takes baths) AND use the upstairs bathroom (which he never does) is also right at the same time the neighbor just walks into the house (which is also highly strange since what is the neighbors reason?) The chances of all 3 unlikely events happening at the same time is simply too small to be plausible. Plus you saw the phone records that say he called the neighbor right before.He is lying but he will lie about lying. You can't force him to tell the truth but you can firmly state that you don't believe his story. That will be the end of this incident but he will know that you are not swayed by his lies and that you know the truth. Where you go from here I don't know. I suppose you can set up hidden cameras to try and get evidence for the next time.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (21 November 2013):
 I have bookmarked some useful links for different sorts of questions. When this type of question comes up, and it sounds as though there is enough information to suggest this might be an issue, I suggest the OP take a look at this website: http://www.straightspouse.org
Good luck with the counseling, I hope everything works out for the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your wonderful advice and opinions that you have shared. I have a lot of thinking to do. Right now I'm just hoping that if he was messing around this opened his eyes. And he doesn't want to lose his family. But I will be keeping close tabs on the neighbor and him. Eventually the truth comes out. Thank you again for all your help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2013): I too have several male friends who are bisexual, have been married; and also have teen to adult-children.
These men withheld their true nature for years. A couple of the men didn't come out, until their children were full-grown adults. They wanted to be sure their families remained intact; and their children could understand before coming out to them. They had nasty divorces; but later become very close friends to their ex-wives. All are very actively supporting and co-parenting their families. Every single one of them.
Only one remains married to his wife of 36 years, and they have four children, and two grand-children. He had a male-partner before he met his wife and married. His current wife knows of his past. He never lied to his wife, or children. Nor does he venture outside of his marriage. He's a very happy man. They are two of my closest friends.
I must say, these are unusual circumstances. My friendships with these men were connected through charitable events for the LGBT Community, and we hit it off. I have talked to these men, and learned a lot about how they shifted from living as heterosexuals, to having male partners. One thing that seems to be a common trait. They all suppressed their attraction to men, and knew early in their lives they were sexually attracted to men. It didn't suddenly happen upon them.
They wanted to live as heterosexuals, they were/are sexually attracted to women, and wanted to marry and have families in the traditional way. I still don't understand why they did this to women. I guess I never will.
I feel that if a guy has an attraction to men, you should never under any circumstances lie to women, and live a false life in marriage to them. Tell her and let her make the decision beforehand. It's up to her if she can handle it. There is always the risk of cheating in marriage anyway.
Leaving her no choice is selfish, deceptive, and cruel.
Most of the time, these men are repulsed by that side of themselves. They do not act on the feelings, and are very devoted to the women they bring into their lives. They didn't make some sudden choice to be gay. They decided to stop fighting those feelings that were there all along.
I just don't accept excuses for lying and pretending to be what you're not. If you live in a country that will kill you, and your religion demands marriage as in some cultures. You have no choice. It's a life or death option.
Suicide is the usual way out.
Being secretive is just fine. it depends on your circumstances. It could mean loss of family, fortunes, and lives in come cases. Well understood in extreme cases.
Pulling someone else into your web of deception; because you don't have the balls to face your own family is a weak excuse. Admit the truth. Limit it to at least those closest to you. The truth will out itself at some point anyway.
Just my opinion.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 November 2013):
 I'm sorry.
You said you are in counseling? Marriage counseling? So has there been other things that has made you think something is going on?
I don't think it's because he is gay, but it could be he is curious. And if you two are having problem he apparently think it's OK for him to try out "new" things, just in case you two don't work out. I know a few guys who are bisexuals. And I wouldn't have had a clue if they hadn't told me. So not seeing any "signs" that he is gay or bisexual is not something you should beat yourself up over. He might not have known when you two got married. Though if he is (36-40) I would venture a guess that he did but has gotten real good at hiding it.
If I were you, I would get my ducks in a row. Find a job (even part time) because no amount of counseling will make him stop wanting to try "new" or "old" things. YOU need to be able to take care of your child.
One of my good friends (who is bi-sexual but married to a woman)told me, you would be surprised at how many men "sleep" with other men and don't consider themselves gay or bisexuals. It's "just sex". Even IF it IS just sex, it's STILL cheating.
YOU need to consider what YOUR next move is. My guess is, he will deny, deny, deny and make you out to be the one who is making up things and making false accusations.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe argued so much that I haven't mentioned I know he called the neighbor. I'm kinda waiting to say anything else about it until our next counseling appointment.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (21 November 2013):
Sorry, but your husband is cheating on you with a man. Period. The phone call seals it. You're going to have to tell him that you don't care if he denies it, you know the truth, and tell him you're not going to pretend you don't. Talk with him about it and figure out what this means for your relationship.
Don't make him promise to stop, he won't. Maybe you can have an open relationship, divorce, use a strap on, etc. I don't really know, that's between the two of you.
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (21 November 2013):
 He called him right before he "unexpectedly" barged in unannounced? That's not possible.band as previously mentioned, just walking into the house of a person who has a family is extremely intrusive. It wouldn't happen. Why would this random man just come over like that?
You can't just ignore this and look the other way. He's cheating on you. You deserve to know what's going on. As someone already said - hire a private investigator. At least then you'll have your solid proof.
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female
reader, shna  +, writes (21 November 2013):
 What was his excuse for calling the neighbour?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for taking the time and giving me wonderful advice. I have talked to my husband and didn't get anywhere. He said I'm always suspicious of everything he does and I'm overreacting. His version of what happened is he felt like taking a bath and started to undress in the upstairs bathroom and forgot his shampoo from the main floor bathroom. He slipped on his pajama pants and grabbed his jeans and underwear and started walking down the stairs and that's when the neighbor walked in so he went up the stairs to put his pants on over his pajama pants ( he wears his pj pants under his jeans for work to be warm. ) and he must of dropped his underwear on the way back upstairs. And that's when I walked in. Again he never takes baths, he never uses the upstairs bathroom and I looked on the phone bill and he had actually called the neighbor right before he came over. So do I believe him? Not really but I csnt force him to tell me what really happened.
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female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (20 November 2013):
 There is definitely something shady going on. Hire a Private Investigator.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2013): May I give you an opinion from a gay perspective?I think something was going on, or about to happen. His underwear was on the stairs, and he was upstairs. It almost sounds like he ran upstairs and dropped his underwear when he heard you about to enter the house. He'd never be able to explain why he was undressed in front of another man. Even worse; why this man is sitting in your home on the couch unattended, while he showered?Why would the neighbor just walk into your house totally unannounced? Here is a man who has a wife and daughter, and it would be quite offsetting for some guy to just walk through the door. He had to know you wouldn't be home.Weirdest home-invasion I've ever heard of.Anyone in your position; including myself, would be distraught. Your husband caught in a compromising situation. Not with a woman, but a man! In any case; put the child's feelings first; because all this is beyond her understanding and ability to process.She may know what gay means; but not how to deal with a father who may be gay, or bisexual.Keep this all completely private. This is a marital issue.Not front-page headline news. Be receptive of any possible rumors about the neighbor guy. Do not start an inquisition. That could backfire. Big time. I would casually ask the neighbor why he was over? Show no emotion. Then compare their stories. If he behaves nervously. That's guilt.If you can, have your daughter stay with a friend, or drop her off at her grandparent's house. Do so, before you address this matter with your husband. She should not be within earshot; because you may become uncontrollably emotional. You need to be alone to discuss this; even if you already have talked about it. You could not, and should not, have an in-depth discussion with your daughter in the house.That would be unsettling and confusing to the child. The calmer you are, the better. You are going to have a serous talk with your husband. You deserve his undivided attention.Do not settle for a lame explanation. Insist on the truth. Tell him exactly what you saw and how it appears. Then decide between you, how you should deal with the truth.I do not think you will be accepting of a gay, or bisexual husband. You have eight years of history, and you never once encountered such a situation; or found any evidence of possible homosexual behavior. Either he hid it well, or this may be his first encounter. He may be "gay-curious." In my book, that's closet-gay; just waiting to happen. If you lie to women, you deserve the consequences!!!In any case, the evidence is too suspicious. The given explanation just isn't plausible. This will plague your mind endlessly. Therefore; pursue the truth.He will deny things out of self-defense and embarrassment.So you will have to act on your gut feelings. There is no doubt that he loves you, but he has been deceptive about who he really is. Maybe you are stronger than I suspect.I really want you to be. I'm on your side.The truth is what you must prepare to deal with. You thought you married a heterosexual man; who is the father of your daughter. You did not intentionally marry a man pretending to be heterosexual. That was a lie, and now he must face the possibility of losing you. However; that does not mean he should be denied access to his daughter. Do not allow hatred to hijack your judgement and humanity. The child is innocent, any conflict between you two will upset her. Be careful. Spare her feelings at all costs, above either of you. I seriously mean that. You're her mother, and the victim; but I know you will do what's right. You've sought advice, and I hope my advice is helpful in some way. Not destructive to a marriage. You are a family, regardless of the final outcome. Do not punish the child out of your own anger and frustration, by placing her dad in exile from her life.Whatever you decide to do. Approach this with civility. At least as much as you can humanly muster. This is a shock, and I fully understand your feelings and outrage. You may have been betrayed; because he didn't want to lose his family by telling you the truth about himself. Well, his lie has caught up with him. Like most, he was in denial of his true nature. He still wants to love a woman, and have a family. The question is, at who's cost? Who deserves to take vows under false pretense? There is no comparison to cheating with another woman.I wish I could console you in some way. I know you both love each other. This is a complication that is not easy to overcome; but you have to face it for what it is, and not delude yourself.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (20 November 2013):
 You know who knows ALL the details that you need to reconcile this? Your hubby.
Sit him down and show him a copy of this.... tell him you wrote it... and ask him to 'splain what you saw when you came in the house....
Good luck....
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 November 2013):
That is super odd.
If something smells fishy IT is most likely.. fishy.
Why would your husband drop his shorts/underwear on the stairs if the neighbor was sitting in his living room? And if he never takes baths, again... why would the one time he takes one be when the neighbor comes over.
Go with your gut.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2013): The neighbor could come in and was ready to leave, just wanted to say goodby to your husband and when he saw you he thought he could just say goodby to you and leave. That's first. Underwear could be there on a stairs because if he is like my husband takes of his jeans along with his underware, and underware kind of stay inside jeans. When he put jeans on, underwr might just fell out. About taking a bath: I never take a bath but may be once or twice a year a have this weird desire to soak in a bathtub.
Your husband might wanted to fill a tub, and then your neighbor
walked in, and he went upstairs to check if it was already full.
Did you ask your husband why the neighbor came in a first place?
You don't know if a neighbor is gay, the fact that he has more guy friends than girls is nothing unussual: guys have more guys friends, and girls have more girls friends.
Tell you the truth if I came home and our neighbor even not a good friend was in my living room, and my husband was upstairs checking on a bath tub, and he had his jeans on, and underware was just laying there on a floor, I knowing my husband would never suspect that he was gay.
A funny story happened once to me. I was taking a shower, and my neighbor , a young man came in. Few days earlier he asked me to sit with his 2 years old son for a few hours. I did, and I kind of forgot about it. He offered me money, but I refused. He wanted to be thankfull and brought me a bottle of nice champagne. So, here I am taking a shower, and my neighbor, handsome young guy sitting on my couch with a bottle of expensive champagne on a coffee table.
And here my husband walks in. My husband didn't even suspect anything, but my neighbor was terrified. He immediately thought that my husband will judge the situation exactly like he himself would do: wife in a shower, champagne, man on a couch. I walked out same moment in a bathrobe, saw champagne, my husband laughing, and then he told me how the neighbor was explaining to him about babysitting and champagne because I refused to take money and so on. We both laughed about it, and that was over.
So as you see, situations can be looked at differently. I can repeat again, did you ask your husband why that neighbor came in?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2013): Trust your instinct, you know what you saw and everyone can feel "tension" or awkwardness in a room.
Definately look after your sexual health, I assume being husband and wife there's no barrier protection but if he's doing things with a man...
This needs talking about. I would choose your words very carefully. Be confident. The minute people say "Are you..." The other person can begin to deny, deny, deny. I am trying to think of an example specific to your situation. I would perhaps sit down together like normal, maybe about to watch tv, and remaining very calm and without even looking across say "I know there is a lot more to the other morning when our neighbour was here. I would rather here the truth from you now thank you"
Some people find it easier to communicate without eye contact as there is the fear of judgement being shown in the other persons eyes, by using "thank you" rather than asking "please" you are placing the human need to comply.
Be strong, you are not alone this is not the first or last time this will happen x
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (20 November 2013):
This definitely sounds suspicious for sure. It does honestly sound like your husband was sneaking this man in when he thought you would be gone. and as another poster mentioned - why was his underwear on the stairs? I'm not sure it's adding up.
If this other man is potentially gay, I think you most certainly have something to sorry about.
Trust your instinct. You know what you walked in and saw.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (20 November 2013):
What were their reactions? That should tell you all you need to know, never mind the actual situation.
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female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (20 November 2013):
I think you need to go with what your gut is telling you. If you think something funny is going on.....then it is. Have a serious conversation with your husband. Tell him you don't believe his "story". When you are with your partner for as long as you have been you know who he is and his routines.
Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, M Proops  +, writes (20 November 2013):
Why would his underpants be on the step anyway?Surely if he was taking a bath he'd take them off in the bathroom but you say he never takes a bath.The situation is suspicious to say the least and I don't buy his story.He'll probably be on his guard now.Does he use the internet?check his history if possible.I can sense your anxiety,i would be too if I was in the same situation.Be aware of your own sexual health as well from now on.Maybe this is a side that he's hidden from you for all these years.Nothing shocks me these days regarding human behaviour.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell people have said the neighbor might be gay. He has a lot of young guys hanging out at his house. More guys then girls. He doesn't have a girlfriend or wife. But he has never came out and said he's gay. And I would say he's more a acquaintance then close friend. So yes its a little disturbingthat he would just walk in like that. And no he never said what he stopped over for. He left right away when I got home. It was just so strange!!!!
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (20 November 2013):
That is a bit odd! Does he knew the neighbor well enough that he would just come barging in like that and catch him with his pants off? And is the neighbor a good friend? Or just acquaintance? Reason I ask is would it he weird for him to come over or does he come over and hang out regularly? Did he say what was he there for?
Does the neighbor strike you as being potentially gay?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2013): I'm not sure if you're overreacting. Maybe you should closely watch your husband and his relationship with this neighbor. Perhaps a voice activated recorder in the bedroom and living room. And you will soon enough know. I'm sorry this is causing you anxiety. You really never know if a person is into the sort of lifestyle. I say trust until you have a reason to doubt and when in doubt investigate. Being a lesbian female there are tons of chics out there that are into that life but will never let anyone know other than the girl she sexs. So just pay attention and do what you must. You really don't have to snoop through phone or email if you put out the two voice recorders. It will capture his conversation and possibly the other person if they should be over at yours. My hope is your husband is being honest but you have a daughter and a lot invested so before you hit rock bottom investigate this doubt. Don't ignore it or accept it and don't wait for something to happen.
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