A
female
age
41-50,
*unystar1
writes:I am a very spiritual person. I love people and always look for the good in them. I am someone who can be involved with someone who has 2 tons of bad and 5 pounds of good, and I shift the scale to the good. But I am in a marriage where I have lost that. He has done absolutley everything wrong you can do to someone who loves you on all levels. Now, I think he senses the change (and that wife of his that would never give up no matter how much hurt caused is gone) and he is making "small" efforts to make it up. But they are very small. Do you think that a marriage may have had a will from God but at some point with God knowing all hearts and motives, that his will can pass and its time to move on? Bible was written by man for God and man/woman has been corrupted since Eden. Some of what I read just feels right and some does not. Like this: why are woman considered less in some churches (like not being able to preach) when we are not to discriminate or judge. We are all spirits put in flesh. Maybe I have a masculine spirit in a womans body who is tender but head strong. And then when it talks about leaving and cleaving in marriage...it says therefore a MAN shall leave his mother and father and cleve to his wife. It does not say therefore a woman. Yet my church is telling a different story. And when I confront them with some of my spiritual feelings, they judge me. I think I have been shunned. And when they give me advice about marital problems, it don't all feel right. I will come home and get in prayer. I then go to my spiritual resources and will find a direct contradiction to what was just said to me. I will share it and they just look at me like I am crazy. They even did a sermon tryin to convience me that my blood levels were out of whack because I had to much junk in me. They did not speak it at me but I could tell. Just felt it. But the funny thing is...when you take my journal and compare to my blood test records...when I am confronting the strongholds and things my spirit feels is a lead to many marital problems...my blood levels go up. When I leave it alone and follow their advice, my blood levels fall. I do believe in spiritual warfare....I just think I have a direct link to God in a non standard way. I am gonna write a book one day soon of all I have been thru, felt and overcome with my thoughts. I even have the analogy that God placed certain things like weed and the opium plant here for our use when it is left in its purest form. Yet, churches are ok with us taking all these lab made medicines but speak against natural drug therapies such as mary jane for pain. I dont know. Maybe I am just going crazy. But I also feel that God is leading me to understand that I have done all I was suppose to do in this marriage...I came with one, 2 and three to help confront strongholds and my spouse don't want to do it...so I have done all I can and his will has passed and I should move on to be happy and healthy. Anyone agree?
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female
reader, Sunystar1 +, writes (11 October 2010):
Sunystar1 is verified as being by the original poster of the question To YOU WISH reply, you and I are on the same page. All that u said to me, I have said to my spouse and church elders/advisers. They have even said they see something powerful in our relationship, but they seem to think it is from the man. I am the one who leads us to church and when I speak truth about his behaviors, requesting help of the strongholds placed on my heart=spirit, they say I am speaking words of death over my husband. I am just speaking the truth of why he is not working, why the marriage has been very unequal and that I am doing both roles of the husband and wife. They also said that his history is non of my business and he does not have to tell me things according to my "suspicions." But when I got home from that session, I randomly opened the bible and saw James 5:16. I also subscribe to marriage vine ministries website for daily emails. That day, Gary Chapman (awesome spiritual man and therapist) had a email about the 4 key ingredients to a happy and successful marriage. Love, Truth, Honesty and history. Everytime someone is trying to tell me I am wrong, there is something I find that continues to lead my that I am going about all of this the right way. And when you said about a husband being willing to die for his wife...I have serious medical issues. And I try everyday to live as normal as possible, giving glory to God for another day to learn, live and love. But when I have a day that my body says, time for rest. HE is the one that runs off to take a nap. I passed out one night in the bathroom right by our bedroom. I could not get up from the horrible pain in my belly. I was lying in my own urine and called for help. He had just gotten up to go to the restroom. I know he was up and could hear me, but he never came. I cleaned up the best I could on all fours and crawled back to bed. He never offers comfort and puts himself before all of us. He was eating lunch one day when our daughter was about 20 months old. She was hungry and he did not fix her a plate. I had just woke up from a night of terrible RLS and pregnancy issues with our 2nd child, my fourth. I watched him like a snarling dog and she lingered by him wanting a bite to eat. He gave her scraps. Since that day, I see she has a eating disorder already. She eats very fast and tries to get as much as she can...I think it is from that incident. This man has done so much....it would take a book to cover it all, but I still gave my love unconditionally. I have seen improvements in some area's, the ones not crucial to a successful marriage or family. Like cleaning the house but he has always been a neat freak. And he will wake up with our son now, but I had to cry out for that as I was undergoing surgeries and chemo while he was in the wake up 5xs a night and he was not helping. I had to have my DR write a note that it was very important that I rested after the treatments so my body could be stress free and work together with the infusions. The 1st round failed becuz I did not get to rest. The second time, I demanded my rest and it worked. But he throws this up in my face. And I am guilty for doing to much in the beginning, I spoiled him way to much with unconditional love. Giving him the biggest meat, servings and all of that, while I was the one fighting to keep my weight on. And after what I saw my daughter go thru, I changed all of that. There is just so much. But he picks and chooses the parts of the bible on a man/husbands role. And where he lacks, he blames me somehow. I showed him the verse about any man who does not provide for his family..etc..is worse than an unbeliever. The answer I got, I am to controlling. He says that because he worked a job that was constant drama. He worked with all young kids and instead of being a leader, he began to follow their behaviors. Having underage "friend-coworkers" at my house drinking. I said after a year and a half, enuf! You need to find a job that is a family man's job and an atmosphere with less temptation as he shows me constantly, he is a follower and not a leader. SO MUCH I could share. I just think there has been way to much damage. Everything has been violated by him. He has done all that I asked not to do (when I was very honest about what I desired in a relationship and what I had learned) and he does nothing that I ask for. Like love, comfort, communication. He says, once I listen to him and do what he has said, then I will get his love. HMmm...like giving him control of my money when he always pays his bills from the past first. His house payment that we have tenants in comes before the house we live in which was mine before we met. When times got hard for all (economy), we almost lost the home we live in to foreclosure, his credit was still good as he payed all his bills and I was paying everything else and lost my credit. He could have taken an equity loan on his house back in his state, but he wouldnt. He is very selfish and I just dont think it will change. Been the same for 4 years now. I am not tryin to CHANGE him to what I want, just tryin to help him see what a husband is to do for his wife and family. He said, NO ONE can do everything the bible says. it's just impossible. And I found a website that had all the scripture of mans roles with a funny twist and he said, Sh.t, thats just to much. He wants the easy life and I have been giving out of the sake of UNCONDTIONAL love, trying to earn his love, and to be a giving, kind and loving person as the bible directs. But I just feel, the will has passed. Thank you for your help.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 October 2010):
 Sunystar,
I agree with the earlier posters that you're having a spiritual crisis right now. That's good - people should always question what they believe and why they believe it. Beliefs are subject to life's experiences, and that includes disillusionment. Too many people stay imprisoned because they've been taught NOT to question, and in fact are threatened with spiritual death or hardship if they do question someone's teachings.
That being said, in regards to a spouse and you divorcing him, it's pretty clear what the Bible says (if that indeed is your book of guidance). The Bible allows for divorce under immorality. That covers cheating, pornography, prostitution, etc. Jesus made it clear that if a man looks at a woman with lust, he's already committed adultery in his heart. That's pretty broad.
It's also clear in the Bible that a man must love his wife as Christ loves the church. Too much has been said about the woman "submitting" to the man, and the guys who yell that loudly are forgetting that the same passage of scripture declares that we are to submit ourselves to one another. It's not a matter of the wife giving in and taking all the crap the husband shovels her way. He has to be willing to die for his wife, and that means die to his desires and to his selfishness and put her first.
The Bible is also quite clear on divorcing a non-Christian. Let me ask you this - do you think a guy can call himself a Christian if he unashamedly lives the life of violence towards you and the kids, or alters his state of mind through drugs and mistreats you and his children? Nope.
You don't have a "masculine" spirit. You are using your BRAIN. Don't fall for the lie about the woman not questioning anything. No way, no how. According to the bible, a true "masculine" spirit is one who gives himself up for his spouse and loves her unconditionally. According to the bible, women are industrious, smart, good negotiators, good producers and strong in their own right! Women are not doormats who have to put up with abuse, neglect, and infidelity. We are to be wise as serpents and gentle as doves.
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A
female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (10 October 2010):
 I think that you cant find any two people to agree on much that is religious. I have a strong christian background and do my best to do right.(not always successfully unfortunatly) I have sat and listened to people preach things that i just shake my head at.
As a child I heard a man preach once that you shouldnt wear any color of socks other than white. And that a woman shouldnt wear colored shoes (his wife had on red at the time) and that we were meant to have 5 children. (the amount he had) hahahaha
Believe me, I have heard it all. I usually just try to do what I think Gods wants, and let it go in one ear and out the other. For this, I have been called Demon possessed, lol.
I have heard it preached that you cant get to heaven without a belt and tshirt on (for men).
And I couldn't even start with what I have heard for the women.
At the end of the day honey, you will have to find your own way. If you cant go on like this anymore then you just cant. If you believe in a divine God, who will judge you someday, then you know that these other people will not be standing there with you. You will stand alone and answer for yourself. That should be a consolation and not a threat. :)
You will never be able to please everyone. Fahgetaboutit. Follow the Bible, Pray for guidance, listen to the elders and weigh carefully what they say, and decide for yourself.
(this years theme amongst those I am with is "the evils of the internet". ~"sinnernet"~) sometimes you just have to pray and follow your own road...
You are the one trying to live with him. You are the one in pain over the things he does.
One more thing...I heard someone say this and liked it. "God isnt looking for a place to cut you off, He's looking for a way to help you go." Remember he's not standing up there with a semi-automatic weapon aimed at us, just waiting for us to mess up. :) He loves us and want to help us. hugs
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (10 October 2010):
 I know how you're feeling. I was just fourteen when my church shunned and judged me when I spoke my ideas and interpretations about the bible. I refused to believe that our church leader knew what was in the mind of God and therefore could say that we were allowed to hate homosexuals, and NOT show compassion to people who were suffering from drug addiction or engaging in pre-marital sex. I thought about everything I read in the bible and asked, why were women treated so badly? I watched my friend suffer through a terrible marriage because divorce was "against" God- does God ordain that we should be unhappy if it's in our power not to be? I follow the commandments and use the bible as a book of lessons. We all can have a relationship with God. No one can take that away. Listen to your heart, pray and medidate alone. You are NOT a sheep nor were meant to be. I agree with you and hope you write this book. Be happy and healthy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): A friend told me once that religion is to spirituality, what politics is to government. The Bible was written by man and has been used to bend people to man's will since.
I think that the ten commandments says it all. The rest of it is filler to have a book to sell.
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reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (10 October 2010):
 Not trying to offend anyone, this is simply my opinion...
The bible is to a large degree open to interpretation. Some topics are more open to individual interpretation than others. Some are concrete and very clear. There are many contradictions in the bible and when I wanted to clarify some of them I asked several pastors and devout christians at my church and their responses really surprised me. Every single answer I got to explain the contradiction was wildly varied and different. That was enough to convince me that we all interpret the bible in our own way.
The smartest guy I know with regards to spiritual matters said to me that he believes in the bible but he doesn't believe in religion. The more I've thought about that statement over the years, the more it's made sense. We've all got our own personal interpretation of the bible and what it means to us. Different religions that all branch off from the bible show pretty clearly how much our interpretations can differ about the same thing.
At the end of the day you shouldn't be taught someone elses interpretation of the bible at church... you should interpret the bible in your own way- otherwise you're relying on man (flawed by nature) to guide you spiritually... when really it should be the word of god that guides you.
The bible is not a rulebook, it is a guide and if you feel that you are being guided by God... then you should listen to him and not other people or your church.
Again, just my personal opinion.
Best of luck :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): You seem to be in the middle of a spiritual crossroads at the moment. You have reached a point where your personal spirituality and your own connection to God are conflicting with the doctrine of the church you attend. For you God has laid a path for you, you can see what that path is, you can feel that it is the right way but it goes against the standard practice of your church and their interpretation of scripture and gospel.
Do you believe that God is above the church, do you believe he will reach out to you and guide you individually? Or do you believe he only speaks through the church? From your question I believe it is the former so you have to let him guide you and trust his judgment on your own, not be told you are wrong by others who are not living your life.
I believe there is a massive contradiction in organized Christianity, why would God give us the power of free will if he wanted us to stick to tradition, if he didn't want us to evolve spiritually, mentally and physically, why would he give us the power to grow if he wanted everyone to live by a standard set of instructions laid down by a pastor, priest or vicar or representative instructions that should never be questioned. The representatives he chose in the bible weren't ordained through an organized church, they were individuals from all walks of life. Churches preach loyalty, tradition and obedience to their practices but throughout the bible he instructs each person individually according to their needs and what he wants from them.
Trust in your faith, trust the path you know in your soul he laid out for you, don't let anyone else tell you what you know with your very being is the right path for you to choose. He did not create this world for us to live in suffering and misery he created it for us to explore who we were and create the best lives possible for ourselves and our children.
Women are considered less in churches because they're considered less in the bible for the most part, they're property not people, in the bible, not one single word of the bible was written by a woman (see Ecclesiasticus, 25:18, 19 & 33. Genesis 19:8. Judges 19:22-29 and pretty much all of Leviticus). So churches believe that men are the ones chosen to pass on his message. Because the church believes Eve was the first sinner that basically doomed humanity to a life of struggle outside of Eden. The church believes Mary was just a vessel to carry Jesus, the only woman of true virtue because she was a virgin, yet we cannot procreate as virgins. Why then have we humans as a species began to value our women as more than just property or baby carriers? Why are we growing into a race that sees our women as equals, who's contribution in all aspects the world grows? And how then is the world becoming ever greater a place as women stand side by side with men as great artists, scientists, warriors, indeed every single aspect of the world except religion?
In my personal opinion all organized religion needs to questioned, churches have become businesses selling the word of God and salvation for a price. They contradict teachings and ignore teachings to suit their purposes.
Some churches believe that suffering is the greatest of all virtues because Jesus suffered indeed they use the symbol of his torturous execution as the basis of their teachings. But Jesus stated over and over again that we was suffering so we didn't have to, that he was doing it to create conditions of peace and happiness for us. Not follow his suit and suffer too.
At the end of the day this is your life, he only gave you one life to lead so you have to live a good one, be good to people and only allow people to be good to you in return. It is your faith and belief that is most important in your world you must do what you feel is best for you. Don't let anyone in that congregation tell you you're wrong, you're confused because they're telling you you're wrong, when every fibre of your being is telling you you're not. Follow your own path and do what you know you must.
(I just wanted to say that I'm not religious at all, I'm not atheist nor any other spiritual label, I neither believe nor disbelieve the existence of any deities but I do believe in always questioning tradition, always seeking a new truth or flaws in old concepts. With this I have studied religious texts in great detail, I can safely say I know more about the bible than most Christians, more about the Koran than most Muslims, Torah than most Jews etc. because you cannot question nor refute something you know nothing about)
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reader, slimfish  +, writes (10 October 2010):
 wow!, answering this question could open pandora's box, but here's what i think.
you have to do what you think is right, deep, deep, down inside.
you have given all you can to this guy, and its time for action.
you have a basic right to a free and happy life.
i think you need to move on, good luck and god bless you.
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