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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi there. I'd really like to hear from the married amongst us. What feelings do you have towards your 'first loves' and exes. I'm getting married and I have a feeling that the argument about whether to invite his 'THE EX' is looming. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Sparks +, writes (19 May 2006):
 Some couples deal well with the presence of an ex in their lives, others don’t. The basic rule is – it’s fine having a cordial contact or perhaps in some cases even a friendship with an ex, as long as the current partner doesn’t mind. If the current partner minds, then old ties must be cut off.
I have a strong feeling in the majority of cases people tend to dislike having to accept their partner’s contact with an ex, thus, in most situations, the correct approach ends up being “no contact with your ex”.
In case you don’t want your husband’s ex in your wedding, there should be no debate about it. She shouldn’t come, end of story. If your husband truly moved on and loves you, he should respect your wish and should let go of his ex.
You should present him with the question: what’s more important to you, making me happy or keeping contact with your ex? He will most probably say you are being insecure and immature, but you should insist that doesn’t change the situation – you are not happy about it, and if he really loves you, he will not put this strain on you. After all, if he really has moved on from his old relationship, nothing justifies the need for close contact.
Many people like keeping contact with previous partners because it’s a way to diminish the sensation of losing a loved one. It doesn’t necessarily mean they are still in love with that individual, but it shows they have a pending emotional bond. Whether this contact is acceptable or not, like I stated above, depends on the feelings of the current partner.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2006): I'm in the same boat as the x is best friends with his sister and was her bridesmaid and phones his mum. But theres no way shes getting an invite...
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A
female
reader, needinganswers +, writes (19 May 2006):
My husband's ex was friends with me and my ex!!!! As was my hubby. Now his ex calls me and emails me all the time, we got along great before and get along great now, we have many mutual friends, kids the same age, we just enjoy each other's company. In fact at New Years my now hubby and his ex(my buddy) and her hubby joined us for dinner. He (actually both 'he s' were uncomfortable but we had a blast. I think as adults we should be able to pick our friends and mates and realize that not always does a relationship work out.
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A
female
reader, Jen43 +, writes (19 May 2006):
You know the old saying: "Out with the old; in with the new!" Seriously though, I'm with you--I wouldn't like it, either. Not at all! Thankfully, I didn't have to deal with this disturbing issue when planning my wedding, and for your sake, I hope it resolves itself before yours. You also wrote you have a "feeling" an argument is looming about this. I'm afraid I have questions for you rather than "advice." Have you actually discussed it yet or are you jumping to conclusions? Are your fiance and his ex really that close?? Why does he feel compelled to invite an ex to an important event that is supposed to be a celebration of your love and new life together? Obviously you and she aren't exactly chummy; otherwise, your attitude might be very different. I just hope he isn't insisting on inviting his ex-girlfriend to the wedding over your objections. Now THAT would be a serious issue. I know the wedding is HIS special day, too, but good grief---how important can she possibly be? Certainly not more important than the woman he plans to marry and spend the rest of his life with, I should hope. I am older at age 43, so maybe I'm just too conservative when I say his extending an invitation to her is just downright inappropriate, given the way you feel. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, shania  +, writes (18 May 2006):
 When i got married i invited my ex to my wedding....my husband didn't have a problem with it.When we broke up we decided to stay friends so it wasn't awkward when he was invited to my happy occasion.In your case,if you were still harbouring feelings for your ex boyfriend but feel the need to invite him then i would think twice in marrying your husband to be....but if you are just friends and your partner has no problem with that then go ahead. Either way,there's no law saying he has to be there.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2006): Well, would you want any of her exes at the wedding?
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A
female
reader, Jen43 +, writes (18 May 2006):
You know the old saying: "Out with the old; in with the new!" Seriously though, I'm with you--I wouldn't like it, either. Not at all! Thankfully, I didn't have to deal with this disturbing issue when planning my wedding, and for your sake, I hope it resolves itself before yours. You also wrote you have a "feeling" an argument is looming about this. I'm afraid I have questions for you rather than "advice." Have you actually discussed it yet or are you jumping to conclusions? Are your fiance and his ex really that close?? Why does he feel compelled to invite an ex to an important event that is supposed to be a celebration of your love and new life together? Obviously you and she aren't exactly chummy; otherwise, your attitude might be very different. I just hope he isn't insisting on inviting his ex-girlfriend to the wedding over your objections. Now THAT would be a serious issue. I know the wedding is HIS special day, too, but good grief---how important can she possibly be? Certainly not more important than the woman he plans to marry and spend the rest of his life with, I should hope. I am older at age 43, so maybe I'm just too conservative when I say his extending an invitation to her is just downright inappropriate, given the way you feel. Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2006): Quite frankly, My exes are exes for good reasons, so I don't dwell on what they are doing in their lives at the moment. Dear, this is your wedding. A day of joy and a celebration of your love for you and your partner. You want to invite people that you 'both' dearly love, you both care about and whom you both get wonderful support and encouragement from. If you and your partner have no real substantial relationship with an ex, then you don't need to invite them.
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A
female
reader, CRose +, writes (18 May 2006):
I think that it depends on your feelings for your ex. If you or your partner are still in love with the ex, or the ex is still in love with you, then I would think this would be a problem.
But if you are only friends and there is mutual respect for each other then it shouldn't be a problem.
My husband is very insecure and would not be accepting of the situation if it was someone that I loved, or that loved me. I would not have a problem with it, if his ex was to stand up when the preacher asks if anyone objects, his reation would let me know where I stand.
Some people can handle this situation better than others.
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