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female
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*Rose
writes: Do I stay and work it out or move on? My husband and I have been together for 8 years. We met when he moved in across the street from me 14 years ago. His sister and I were best friends, so I got to know his family pretty well. We have alot of history together, but the past few years have been a little rocky. He has always been pretty laid back and easy going. The kind of man that anyone would love to have. He would have his occasional issues with jealousy but nothing overboard or posessive. I was, I guess you could say, a free spirit when I was younger, but he knew about my past before we got together. From time to time he would have a real problem with it and throw it up in my face. We would have a fight about it, things would be fine for a few months, and then it would happen all over again. He has almost no self esteem, even though I think he is very attractive and has a great personality. I use to tell him these things all the time, but it seemed like the more I told him the more insecure he was. From the very beginning there have been issues with drug use, and eventually drug addiction, that I have helped him work through. He hid his addiction from me for two years,and took out loans to support his habit. This put us in a financial bind, and when he lost his job a year later we fell into the hole even deeper. He did get another job fairly quickly, but it's only half of his old pay, which does not help our financial situation. He has played guitar for years and joined a band not too long after rehab to have a hobby. He was always gone to practice, gigs, etc. I never said anything to him because I don't want to control him. I didn't even say anything to him when he would go to the strip club with his boys. I went into a depression for about a whole year due to all of the issues we were having. He didn't seem to notice, and if he did he did very little to help. I pulled myself up out of it and sought help. I have been in theropy for about 8 months, and can think and see things clearly now. I am feeling better than I have in years. For the past 6 months he has been having some major trust issues with me. The same ones that we have always had (multiplied by 100). Before they would last maybe a week and things would be fine for a few months, this time it hasn't stopped. I have done nothing for him to ever question or doubt me in 8 years. He now checks the cell phone records and calls #'s he doesn't recognize, questions me about where I was at every hour of the day, has a problem with me going out with the girls for a night out once a month, listens in on my phone conversations, and make nasty comments to me that he tries to play off as jokes. I recently found out he was contacting one of our mutual friends for pills (his addiction). He denies that that was the reason for his calls, but due to the times he was calling (from work and after I was in bed) I don't believe him. I have told him that I'm not in love with him anymore and that I was thinking of leaving. He is trying to deal with his problems and to make it work, but he still is acting irrationally with his trust issues. I don't know how to deal with this or what to do, any advice would be greatly appreciated.Thanks for reading this, I know it was long.
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (19 May 2006):
 There are a couple of issues here. I have worked in drug addiction welfare services in the past (mainly with people in housing crisis because they have run up huge debts). I know from my clinical psychology background that one thing that is promoted in rehab. therapy is risk place avoidance. That means that ex-addicts need to stay away from places that tempt them back onto drugs like gigs etc. It is these places that will contain people who normalise drug use and make is seem ok and acceptable. Drug addicts are very good at telling lies to get what they want and need - they even lie to themself and part of therapy is about addressing their self-denial. His behaviour has taken a toll on your mental health and you need to be in a supportive environment to overcome depression. You may even be doing both yourself and him a favour by ending the relationship or separating until he sorts himself out. Without you around, he maybe required to face up to his addiction and won't have anyone to depend on financially for his next fix. You may wish to offer a conditional separation where he returns to rehab and cleans up his act as it sounds like he hasnt sorted out his issues yet. If he is really motivated by your relationship then he can sort out his problems. Many addicts seek treatment not for themselves but for their wives, families, children etc.
His paranoia is part of his drug addiction - it is very, very common because drug addicts generally have poor self esteem and identify their own addiction as a sign of weakness. Certain drugs (e.g. cannabis) have been clinically proven to cause mental health difficulties such as paranoia, memory failure and mania with long term use. Drug addicts can easily transfer these feelings of inadequecy to other people such as you, and show this as jealousy etc because they think they don't deserve your attention really.
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