A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Has anyone else ever thought about something an ex did even though you've been broken up for a year and a half? The thing he did was two years ago. I don't want to say what it was. I cry nearly every day. My parents think I'm mentally ill as I still talk about it. Has anyone else had this? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 February 2014):
 Tisha-1 is right,toss it and turn it as you like, you do need specialized help IF you want to make changes . I think your parents' worries aren't unwarranted, - or do you actually believe that 2 years of misery and tears because once someone told you that you don't look like a glamour model are something healthy , natural and life enhancing ?
You ask if anybody else had this, but even if you 'd get 20 affirmative answers , what would that prove ? that there are other people with your emotional / mental issues . No clinical condition is so rare that you are the only one in the world having it.
The point is not how many people have got obsessive compulsive out of control thoughts about some accident of their past, the point is if you are OK with the situation and want to wallow in it, or if you want to alter it as much as it is humanly possible.
If you choose the second option, seek professional help. If you choose the first, at least make it a conscious choice and KNOW that no amount of How and Why will ever satisfy you fully . Ragical, logical explanations do not respond to the demands of irrational thought processes.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (25 February 2014):
 OP, I advise going to your GP, describing your low mood etc and specifically asking to referred for cognitive behavioural therapy. It's provided by the NHS so it won't cost you anything. It will help you deal with all of this, and help you develop better coping mechanisms when triggered.
Good luck.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (24 February 2014):
 And you're willing to live with that? Some days when it's okay? That's enough to keep you dealing with the crying nearly every day for 18 months?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2014): I have days where I'm okay, I believe it's episodic and I have triggers.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 February 2014):
I have seen many of your posts on pornography and why men choose to use it, when they have a partner. You ask the same question, in various ways, and many dozens of times the aunts here have tried to answer you.
You seem to be stuck in a deep rut, your thoughts continue to reprocess the rejection and upset you experienced over and over again.
Your followups in these questions seem to indicate that you don't actually read or absorb the aunts' advice. You just reiterate the same problem, again and again. So I can see why your parents may be wondering what is going on with your thought processes.
I think that based on this post and your many prior ones that you are crying out for help but then don't take the advice offered. We can't help you here. You need to go talk to your doctor about your repetitive thought processes and the inability to move on, the being stuck in grief and disbelief.
When do you plan to stop thinking about it? This year? Next year? Five years from now? Ten years from now?
Now is the time to get the proper help you need.
I will be completely surprised if you respond in a way that shows you've actually read any of our advice.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (24 February 2014):
Somewhere in amongst the cobwebs of my mind, I remember your earlier posts (or at least very similar ones).
1. I'm not surprised you were upset about his porn use, his initial lies, the extent of his library and the effects it had on him (ED and delayed ejaculation). But they should be reasons to be *glad* you're no longer with him, not a reason to cry. He's hardly a catch, being a liar and heavy porn user (if not addict).
2. The stuff he said. Well he was being a tool comparing you to the glamour-style sex appeal of porn stars. Most women look nothing like that, wouldn't want to look that trashy anyway. And many, many porn stars have natural breasts, size B for example, so none of this is about your breast size. Is that what you mean by the stuff he said?
3. He was attracted to you or he wouldn't have dated you. He told you he was attracted to you. But he was also drawn to watching porn.
4. Other people - don't compare yourself to them, whether it be a pornstar or a couple in a happy relationship. You are holding yourself back by doing that. If it makes you feel any better, read about some of the sad stories posted here every single day by people in crushingly miserable relationships; it should put your self pity about being single into some perspective.
On the subject of glamour models etc, I watched a documentary about women who work in phone/ web cam sex. One was also a glamour model, one had been a prostitute, one had been a porn star. They were not happy women, some had troubled backgrounds, they couldn't hold down relationships (except one, who was a lesbian) and really, it's not a life style to envy.
Your thinking about all of this is very skewed, you've thought about it over and over, and things have become twisted in your mind. I don't mean you're mentally ill (though I don't see that as a negative label anyway, just a factual medical term) but your cognitive processing of this relationship has gone very wonky.
Agree that outside help from a professional is your best bet in getting over it. I don't think you'll find the answers you're looking for by continuously over analysing this on your own. And I get the feeling that the replies you're getting here are really helping you, though you have had excellent responses.
You haven't said what he did 2 years ago that upset you so much (in your original post), I'm guessing it's related to the 'degrading' thing you later mentioned, which I'm also guessing was related to pleasing him and somehow connected with porn. You don't have to say what it was here, but you should speak to someone.
Good luck, OP. There's light at the end of the tunnel if you take positive steps to overcome this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2014): It's me again, the same poster who wrote about the possibility that you are self-sabotaging.What the other aunts are now trying to say, I think, is that if you confront the possibility that you are hurting yourself with these memories then it hurts but it is familiar. This is very, very similar to people who actually cut themselves - it hurts them but the pain becomes familiar and this familiarity comforts them because nothing else is comforting them.The problem that you will face if you do go to therapy and look into the possibility that you are self-sabotaging, is that you will have to really face the thing that underlies your self-sabotaging - which is your low self esteem. Your low self esteem hurts MORE than the painful thoughts, so you are choosing to keep the painful thoughts in place.We can sometimes self-sabotage to avoid a bigger pain lying underneath. I think this is what you are doing, I'm not an expert but I've been through very similar.In a way, the things that are hurting you both do and do not matter. Like the porn, and the way you think you are unattractive. If you had high self esteem these things might not bother you so much at all OR they would still bother you and so, in stead of feeling inadequate, you would find partners who you did not allow to degrade you so much by the things that they say to you and who were genuinely not interested in porn and found it as offensive as you do.In a way it seems like your self esteem pre-dated even the early experiences of the boy at school who had porn addiction - it made you feel inadequate BUT chances are you also already felt inadequate anyway. Later in life you've effectively made yourself very vulnerable straight away to someone, just on a first date, and really taken what he said to heart - again its a matter of being reasonably hurt by what he did, but also you seem to have had low self esteem in the first place, even to put yourself in that situation rather than spend time getting to know a guy in a different kind of situation.Seriously, there will be men who are not remotely interested in porn, they do exist even in today's porn obsessed world. But you are more likely to find them in different places to pubs and bars. That said, I really think you would benefit from counselling first, to raise your self esteem. I still think that somehow this all indicates that,even as a young girl, your self esteem was low because of your family - this is a complicated issue and it can take a while to see patterns in family behaviour towards you that you were not aware of before. The hardest thing to spot is just a lack of support and lack of care - this can be just as damaging as people being horrible to you. Sounds to me very much like you've not had a Mum or sisters to talk to about the things you experienced when you were younger, and to comfort you and help you to get over it ..?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2014): A number of things:
1. The porn use
2. The stuff he said
3. How he didn't find me very attractive, i wanted to impress him :(
4. Watching things work out for other people
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (24 February 2014):
Is this 'thing' that upset you so much his use of pornography?
If you are still obsessing about this relatively short relationship and how it hurt you then yes, you do need to seek some outside help. Whatever you've been doing for the past 18 months--which is incidentally twice as long as this relationship lasted--it isn't helping you.
Unless you enjoy crying almost everyday over something that happened 24 months ago (which is really when the upsetting thing happened) then it's time to get some help.
You are resisting getting help because you feel more comfortable with the discomfort, if that makes any sense. On some level you are feeding the negativity and the idea of being over it scares you more than facing a lifetime of mourning an upsetting incident or incidents in a broken relationship. I wonder why.
Whatever you've been doing just keeps the misery alive. If you want to move on, you will need outside professional help.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 February 2014):
 You are carrying around this pain as a way to punish yourself.
You don't want to let it go. For some reason still hurting about something that happened two years ago that you have no control over is being kept around to protect you from something.
I assume because of this great pain you are not open to meeting new people and developing new relationships.
you are using your pain as a shield from living. As such I can see this being classed as a form of mental health problems.
I would strongly encourage you to seek the help of a competent counselor/therapist to help you figure out what you are afraid of?
I'm sure it is that you are afraid to let anyone new in and risk being hurt. and you have to figure out what is so scary about it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2014): Here it is, I've mentioned things about this on this site before. I should probably include when I was 17 there was this guy who would not stop pestering me to go out with him. I eventually gave in. Turns out this guy was the biggest porn addict ever. He had been watching it from age 8. He would have videos, on his computer and full length ones on cassette that he would watch without masturbating. He took a video into college and played it to his friends right in front of my face. Had porn on his phone, unknown pornstars on his desktop. They were milfs and I was flat chested and had the figure of a boy. It was hell. All the other signs were there telling me how to wear my hair etc. This might be something to do with what would happen later. I got over what he had done a lot quicker. I then knew I hated bfs using porn. Fast forward 6 years, I get in contact with a guy from the pub. This guy seems perfect, he was also older. We discover we have this massive connection. We go on a date... He dumps me on the date to my face... I cried and he cried on the date... Few weeks later he changes his mind, we go on another date and get on like a house on fire. Then came the porn conversation, I said I don't want to tidy your room incase I find porn. Then I hear the words "I haven't got any porn." So there's me thinking he hasn't got any. He also accepts me who I am (I had things that might put someone off) so there I am, in this perfect relationship, few weeks later, downstairs he slips up and does some kind of hand motion towards his TV and that lead me to ask, "Have you got any porn?" He says yes there it is, grinning. I then see two folders marked xpic, xvid. It turns out when he said I haven't got any porn he meant physical as in magazines. So there I am, I've practically let the guy do some degrading things because I thought I was the only one. It turns out he had been doing it nearly everyday (I believe) I knew he masturbated but I believed he was using his mind. He had a HUGE collection, he was a hoarder, he also had arranged them in folders. I then discover he didn't find me that attractive at the beginning! He said if I didn't know you and saw a picture of you i'd find you attractive but not as much as i would other people. He told me I was an ordinary person when discussing being a glamour model. I said someone else might not think that he said would you rather someone tell you a beautiful lie. We were talking about beauty being in the eye of the beholder he said to be honest you're not the hottest woman in the world are you? He said crap like, "I might think some of these pornstars are fit or whatever but you're the one I care about." I realise how insignificant I was. I feel small. Why wasn't I his fantasy? Is it because I'm only a B cup. Why should he be interested if I'm good enough. He told me he liked w*nking off to it. He also had ED and prolonged ejaculation. I can't believe how unlucky I am. So I had a guy who accepted me and he was doing the one thing I hated, he didn't do any else much wrong. It f*cking gets on my nerves. If I was good enough why did he make such a fuss of being told stop looking at it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2014): I posted earlier about you possibly having low self-esteem. I do think this is a strong possibility. It could be depression, but a lot of depression is caused by low self-esteem and self sabotaging. Sometimes people who are prone to self-sabotage will keep focusing on one specific thing that hurts them. It stops them from functioning happily. The person will have learned to do this, usually somehow from childhood and usually because their natural responses and feelings to things - anger, sadness, happiness, desire, pleasure - were not 'permitted'. To give an example, if a person had a very strict mother who encouraged her child NOT to think about his/her own pleasures, even simple ones, the child will learn to deny his/her own desires AND the way that they deny themselves this will be by putting themselves down, scolding themselves somehow. As this goes on and the young adult experiences desires, they may still acknowledge the desire and the desired thing in normal ways, but either before or after or during the desiring stage they will self sabotage by hurting themselves with either a memory, or a behavioural response. It's a bit like punishing ones-self for having had a desire in the first place. With you, if this is what's happening, it's like you are punishing yourself with this painful memory AFTER the event of desiring someone/something. And in all likelihood you do this because deep down you will feel like you never deserved it in the first place.It's honestly what millions of us do do ourselves. But the good news is that it can be your opportunity to become a really strong and happy person once you've understood what's happening. You will need help though - therapy and/or a really good book about overcoming low self-esteem. Therapy is best though - just counselling.Good luck!
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 February 2014):
You might be depressed and depression IS a mental illness, in the sense that is a medical condition which affects your moods , behaviour , thoughts and feelings, i.e. your mental health and functioning overall. Not all mental illnesses consist in thinking you are Napoleon.
I think you should see a doctor. 18 months of daily crying bouts definitely warrant a visit to a professional.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 February 2014):
You might be depressed and depression IS a mental illness, in the sense that is a medical condition which affects your moods , behaviour , thoughts and feelings, i.e. your mental health and functioning overall. Not all mental illnesses consist in thinking you are Napoleon.
I think you should see a doctor. 18 months of daily crying bouts definitely warrant a visit to a professional.
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female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (24 February 2014):
The end of a relationship is like a death. The grieving process is the same. How long it takes to get over someone is different for everyone. I'm wondering if there are maybe unresolved issues you have with your ex? It is possible that may be what's holding you back from reaching closure. Take some time out to figure out what it could be. But it may just be you still grieving. Talk to friends about how you're feeling and DO come on here to share your problems. Talk therapy is great and you can't find many therapists who can help. Also reassure your family you're not ill mentally or otherwise just still a little heartbroken. In time you won't be and will be free in mind and heart.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 February 2014):
 I agree with CaringGuy
If you keep bottling it up and not talk it out, you will not move past it.
I would also consider talking to the doctor because you could have some kind of depression which hold you back from moving forward.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2014): No they think I'm mentally ill because I bring it up everday. We were together for 7 months (9 including the break) i found out about this thing a month in for some weird reason it seemed to get worse in my mind as time went on instead of better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2014): Thanks this helped, we had so much going for us but I couldn't get past it. I often wonder why I couldn't.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2014): I think a lot of it depends on how long you were with the person for - was it a long time? Is so, it can take longer to overcome. I was with someone for 18 years and, two years later, I'm happier but still struggling to move forward in terms of finding a new partner - it's not easy to speed up a process like that and things that he did still sometimes affect me.Another thing to consider is that, if you didn't know the person for all that long and they did something that you can't overcome, your own self esteem was probably not very strong at the time that they hurt you, and this is why it hurt you in a way that you can't overcome - when you have low self esteem there is not much to protect you, not much resilience, so painful things go very deep and tend to stay there. You might not have realised how low you actually were, and may still not - some people are so used to having low self esteem that they think this is their 'normal' and just put up with it, then get hurt and can't get over it. Your family don't exactly sound like they are helping you, if all they're saying is that you are mentally ill. Mental illness can mean anything from low self esteem to schizophrenia, but to just label someone as such is hurtful in itself. Are your family the reason why you could have low self esteem in the first place? Do they put you down a lot?
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reader, methuselah +, writes (23 February 2014):
Hi,
This is just an idea. As this site is possible for you to post anonymously, would it help you to write it down what happened between you both? Writing it down may help you at least begin to start talking about it. It may help you. Thanks.
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reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (23 February 2014):
 I know exactly what you are going through. It's been about 1.5 years for me since my ex broke up with me, and there are still moments where the pain seems so fresh. It has never taken me this long to get over someone. I have friends who are still not over an ex, and it's been over 10 years. There are a lot of people walking around with a broken heart, so you're not alone. I think, for me at least, it was the first time I experienced that kind of love. It was such a deep, emotional connection, and then it ended suddenly, without proper explanation and closure. I found out the reason why afterwards, and like that Bryan Adams song goes, "It cuts like a knife". I've learned to live with the pain and the love, and yes I do still feel the love. I don't know if it will ever go away. I recently met someone else who brought a spark back to my life, and it has actually helped me in the healing process, but it is still not enough to forget the love and pain I feel for my ex. A friend of mine advised that the best way to deal with this is to honour those feelings you have. They are yours. It speaks volumes for you as a person. It means you know what true love is. These feelings also inspired me to become more creative. Find ways to express that pain...writing, art, photography, song writing, dancing, taking a class, etc.
The point is that you are not alone in how you feel, but use the pain in a positive way to uplift your life or discover sides of yourself that you never knew existed. Don't let it hold you back.
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reader, CMMP +, writes (23 February 2014):
Well, mentally ill is a term that gets thrown around a lot, especially as an insult. It doesn't mean that you're crazy. It means that your normal brain activity is impaired, more or less.
So yes, I'd say you're probably mentally ill, maybe because of depression, poor self esteem, or some other issue.
Whatever he did shouldn't cause a year and a half worth of pain unless there is some mental illness involved. The good thing is that it's totally treatable, so find yourself a professional to talk with.
Btw, what's happening to you is not uncommon and I want to stress that mentally ill isn't the same as crazy!
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reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (23 February 2014):
Dear OP,
I have never experienced this, but unfortunately, I have a close friend who is still broken hearted by something that happened 5 years ago. She hasn't gotten over it.
So, I am worried if you keep on like you do right now, you are making a habit out of being unhappy and you will miss out on better experiences. Some process of "getting over" has been blocked, and you need to un-block it rather sooner than later. It seems talking to your family doesn't help - so have you tried anything else? Like, writing it down for yourself in a diary, talking to a counsellor about it, or to other people who experienced something similar?
To clarify things, I wouldn't have thought it's a mental illness, but this is a very long process of grieving - 2 years! - and so I believe you need help to heal, patience alone doesn't seem to be enough. Maybe a meditation class or new hobbies that keep your mind from the past would be a good idea too.
My experience is you need to work through the pain before you can come back to the present. Sometimes ranting on about the past or complaining is too superficial, you need a deep inner process of letting go. Anyway, I encourage you to proactively try and look for healing, don't hope and wait it will go away by itself.
Good luck and positive energy,
E.
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reader, pinktopaz +, writes (23 February 2014):
Well you might be depressed. I think 1.5 years is a bit long for you to still carry on about someone. It might help if you talk to a therapist.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 February 2014):
I'm sure there are a lot of people who feel the way you do when they've broken up with someone. People can play things over and over in their head.
That said, you do seem to be unwilling to talk about things, and after 1.5 years, I think it may well do you a lot of good to talk, even if it's just putting what happened on this site.
You're not mentally ill, and it wasn't tactful or helpful of your parents to say this. Equally, it isn't a good thing for you to bottle things, as that can lead to depression, and unhappiness. At the very least, you should maybe talk about how you feel.
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