A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend of 2years have just broken up and I am obviously feeling very mixed and heartbraking emotions right now. I just feel better explaining on here and if anyone can give me any reassurance or advice it would be greatly appreciated.I loved my boyfriend unconditionally, but due to a few issues with us having a sorta ldr (same country different cities about an hour apart)and both having full time jobs it was hard to find the time for one another. Of course there were disagreements at times but on the whole we got on great, had fun and were in love.By September/October time in 2013 I began to get the feeling that what we were doing wasn't enough for me, I'd been eager to progress our relationship for some time but apart from some vague talks about the future, I felt that we weren't heading anywhere and getting stuck in a rut. I began arguing with him more and realised I was no longer happy in the relationship, the negatives took over everything, and this came to a head when he renewed a 6-month lease on a flat, and once again I knew there'd be no hope of us moving in together and taking that next step for another half a year. I might add this wasn't even discussed as an option as he renewed his lease and told me after the fact. We are both quite independent but he is a few years older than me and had a better career, lived in a city close to his friends, had his own car and flat. I was still living at home in my small hometown, most of my friends had moved away and perhaps I was more eager for change and saw me and him progressing as an answer to all of my problems.I asked myself am I willing to wait another 6months and I decided no, breaking up with him. At this point I saw a side of him I never had, he was emotive and passionate and told me all the ways he could change to make this work, pleading if we could take just a break and talk again once our emotions had calmed down. I agreed, and sure enough a few weeks later me and him were back to normal.At this time his grandfather passed suddenly, and it was the first close person he's ever lost. This was a hard time for him and understandably I expected no immediate change given what else was going on with him. One thing I noticed though was that loosing his granddad made him appreciate everything more, and although it was a sad time, he tried hard for me, and I saw more than I ever had done before what a loving and caring person he could be. I wanted to love him and be happy again. I tried so hard to feel as special as I once did about us, but even though we were doing better than ever something didn't feel right after that initial break-up. This has gone on for 4months and the guilt was burdening me so much. I'd done nothing wrong, my feelings for him had just changed and I prayed they'd come back, but they never did.I decided the best thing was to focus on what made me happy and looked to progress my career and rellocate so I wasn't stuck in my hometown. Luckily this happened for me and I felt so confident and happy, but my boyf didn't like it at all, it was almost as if he was scared I'd forget about him if I was happy doing my own thing, and discouraged me a lot, airing all of him concerns.We met and I told him I hadn't felt right for months, that I'd tried but that my feelings had changed, and that I felt positive about the move and new job and I felt like he was almost wanting to hold me back. He explained then that it wasn't the case at all, he was concerned because he had been thinking more about the future, more about what was right for us, and he didn't expect me to want to end it, he just needed reassuring. It was horrible, he suggested all the ways we could make it work, what he wanted, how much he loved me and I felt like the coldest heartless witch as I felt like I didn't want to mess around seen as though my feelings have been mixed for so long. I didn't want to give it another chance and then still feel the same weeks and months down the line and put us through this again.But I'm not sure I've made the right decision now. I mean the job is closer to him and more flexible so I would be able to see him, we'd both have our own places to hang out. I'm just terrified I've jumped the gun and made a rash decision, and that maybe I'll feel better about us and everything else once my new job starts. Have I made a huge mistake or is it natural to just have doubts straight after breaking up? I don't want to pick up the phone and beg him back if this really is the right thing to do, but the thought of loosing him forever scares me so much. Please help.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (24 February 2014):
 If after two years of LDR he's not made a move to end the distance then I fear that you are correct that he's not interested in progressing the relationship as you are.
HE TOOK THE LEASE without discussing it with you and while many of the aunts and uncles here will say that's his right as he is not married to you, in an LDR where the GOAL is to not be LDR, I think discussing signing of leases is something that has to happen prior to it being done. You have a right to know what his plans are for your relationship.
Clearly he was happy with just every weekend.
Since you were the one at home and you were the one that would be moving, was there any reason to not discuss you moving in with him?
IF you have moved and you are now closer to him, if you are having any doubts at all, I would let him SHOW you with his ACTIONS that he's changed and is willing to commit more. IF he can't do that, then just keep on doing what you are doing.
However sometimes it sucks that we have to 'shake up their world' so totally as to get them to see that they risk losing us.
if he changed would you want him back? if so, consider it now that you are closer. I'd give him 6 weeks or so to see if he can make a change. IF you dont' want him back then move forward and know that wondering if you made the right choice is normal.
A
male
reader, devont +, writes (24 February 2014):
 Personally, I think you have made the right decision.
You need to find yourself and he is holding you back.
You are only doubting your decision because you are worried he was your soulmate and you won't find anyone else. He was not your soulmate because otherwise you wouldn't have wanted to break up. You WILL meet someone else.
The only thing that makes me wonder, is that there does not seem to be an obvious problem in your relationship, maybe you've just outgrown it... So if in another few months you're still unsure and you've dated other people, maybe get back in touch.
But for now, I think you've done the right thing.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (24 February 2014):
Breaking up with someone is hard. Even if you ended the relationship. It's normal to have doubts about your decision. But it seems as if your relationship wasn't right for you for a long time. Do you think you can continue to be in a relationship plagued by doubts? Should you? I don't think it'll be healthy for you at all. I speak from experience. I ended a relationship with someone recently and my gut feeling about whether the relationship had a future amongst other things, weighed on my mind. So I made the painful decision to end things with him and felt like an evil cow afterwards. I actually cried about it but after giving myself time and room to think, I see now I made the right decision. Speak to your boyfriend and agree to take a breather from the relationship. During that time you'll both be able to do alot of thinking. Also distance makes the heart grow fonder. Time apart may be what you need and may actually bring you closer. But then again it might be the eye opener you need as to whether you were right to call it a day with him. The end of a relationship is never easy. But knowing you've made the right decision is important to gain closure.
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