A
female
age
26-29,
*amping-gal
writes:I'm nearly 16, am British but live in an Arabian country. Looking back, I remember my childhood as happy and stable, but behind the scenes my dad would cheat repeatedly. The final straw came for my mum when he slept with our in-house cleaner who was 25 years younger than him.Then came two years of court cases and fighting, in which my dad found another young girlfriend and my mother became cosy with our pakistani gardener. She would invite us into his little room and make us pour tea for him and show him our school projects likr we were a messed up family.A year ago, my entire world crumbled around my 11 year old sister and I when my parents divorced and i had to move to a new town, school and house.After this, it took only 6 months since the divorce was finalized for my dad to remarry and move to Europe.Because muslims can't have sex before marraige, my mum also married a month later, barely giving my sister and I time to process anything before our ex-gardener moved in.Whenever you see stepfathers on TV or films, they are usually patient, misunderstood and just trying to make their new life work.Unfortunately, this is not the case for me. My mother's husband comes from a remote village in Pakistan. He is uneducated and ignorant and has spent his life working as a gardener and pool boy. At eight years younger than my mum, he has absolutely no sense of hygeine. He eats, not with utensils, but with his fingers. Oh, and he has another wife and 4 kids in pakistan. But the worst is that my mother fawns over him and everything he does, staying up late watching him chew lamb curries with his mouth open and perching on his lap. I once asked his half-literate self why he even married my mother and he said blatantly because he felt sorry for her. He is sexist and racist and doesn't care what she says, doing whatever he wants.I tell my mother this but she's in her own little bubble where she and him live together in Pakistan with their many muslim babies.Because we live in such a small house, my sister and I often hear them loudly in their bedroom nearly every night. He takes advantage of my mother and all he ever does in our home is eat, sleep and f*** her.He stinks like sweat and leaves his fruit peels all over the house, often screaming violently into his phone in arabic.Unfortunately, this is not where his violence ends. A month ago, he got angry because my cat was sleeping on the kitchen table and suddenly started smashing my cats' glass food bowls. I lost it and started screaming at him that he can't just start breaking evereything and he whacked me across the face.Yet still my motehr, who got glass in her foot, remains that it was my fault because it was my cat. She justifies taht although he "sometimes" looses his temper, he's much better that "your alduterous father and his little sluts".I love my father and I miss him but he's going to move all over the world with his job and I can't do that because of my gcses. He said if my mum's husband ever hits me again then he'll call the police but i know that if he did, my mother would never forgive me.I still have to love my mother because she's my mother and she can be so nice when she's not with her husband. Even so, she finds no faults in him and every fault in me, despite the fact that I am a straight A and A* student, am in the student council, play piano and am basically a pretty good kid.No drugs, smoking, alcohol, trouble in school or with the law but all I hear is "do you have to be in the shower so long" and "did you have to have the last bit of orange juice, that was for him".Sorry that was so long, but basically I just want to know if anybody in a smiliar situation has any advice about how to cope. I generally just stay out of any room that my mum's husband is in since I worry about saying something accidentially that makes him go violent again on me, or my sister or even my mum. I've told her as well how scared I feel but she says it's all in my head. We still fight about him nearly everyday and she often tells me to go and live with my dad which I'd love to but as I said I can't. At the momment I'm just waiting until I can leave to university in UK in 3 years, but I still worry about my vulnerable sister and my poor, derranged mum. She also just said that she wants to see his family in Pakistan but anybody who checks the news knows what it's like there with bombings and the taliban but she still doesn't care.I'm lonely and tired of trying to focus on school and friends while this stuff is happening everyday. I also have to try to protect my poor sister from it, but at this rate I'll probably never talk to my mum again after I leave home. Please, if anybody has any suggestions let me know, thanks.
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divorce, drugs, moved in, muslim, university, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, sweetiebabes  +, writes (19 January 2011):
 Camping-gal,
Your age is too young to handle this, I live in Dubai and I know how hard it is as expats.
Do you have any relatives around who can help and assist you? IF there is none, yes, you can go directly to your UK consulate or embassy and ask help. I come across customer of ours(british) who works in UK Consulate and I got her phone and email address. It is one way too you can seek assistance through her.
If Epocket is from Dubai too, we can help you. You may send me a private email if you need my help.
take care.
A
female
reader, Miss.Me  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 It's so nice of you to write back! And you're welcome :)
I have another piece of advice since now we know what country you're in. If you ever need to, make use of the women's shelters in Dubai. There are a few of them there (thankfully) so that's one more place you can fall back on.
Try to let go of most of the frustrations. You're the kid, it's your parents who should be dealing with the bulk of this.
Wish you good luck!
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A
female
reader, camping-gal +, writes (18 January 2011):
camping-gal is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirstly, i want to thank all of you who replied so very much. I can't tell you what it means that you all took the time to offer advice to such a situation. Thank you, you all really touched my heart, so I have decided to give an individual reply to each of you. I hope you get a chance to read them.
Just to clarify, I live in UAE, Dubai. I really didn't really want to get too much into the details in case someone figured out who I was, but I forgot how much of a difference that makes.
to EPocket: the main language of Pakistan is Urdu, but my mum's guy does most of his work in arabic since he works for arabs - we don't live in Pakistan.
also, I wish it wasn't true as well, but thanks for the advice, I do always have teh embassy.
to CaringGuy: UAE, dubai.
to Cerberus: I think you might be right, moving country sounds pretty good right now. Plus I have the embassy, who is relatively good here, but it's hard in an arab country where, as you said, you are expected to be a "good muslim girl". Your advice was very insightful.
to Anonymous: please don't be offended as a muslim! I have nothing against muslims or pakistanis in general, just this one guy.
However, you have made a very valid point about why i love my cheating dad. To be honest, I'll always feel that he cheated on our whole family, not just his and my mum's marraige. But he and my mum are the only parents i've got, i have to love them.
I know I have to let my mum lead her own life, but the problem is that it affects me and hurts me directly.
Still, thank you for the advice and please don't worry too much. I feel much stronger with these caring messages.
to Sweetiebabes: yes, i do live in UAE! I'm sure you know exactly what I mean. For those who don't live here, it's hard to understand without seeing this country as socially divided. Its quite advanced as teh arab countries go, but unfortunately, there are different classes (in the most non-disrespectful way possible), and he is like that. thank you.
to Miss.Me: pakistan isn't really an Arabian country, but no, I live in UAE. I agree, she was so distraught after the divorce taht she needed someone to rely on. I wish more than anything that she could have found a nice guy (for example my dad's new wife is actually very nice) but she's quite old and running out of options. I just hope she changed her mind.
You're right, though. I was unsure of whether I should, but you have convinced me that I would have to get the police involved. I'm sure they would understand. UAE is fairly advanced in women's rights. Thank you for the help.
to C.Grant: I understand where you're coming from, but my father was unemployed for a year and had to find work. My motehr doesn't make nearly enough to support my sister and I so he took the first job he could.
I never considered boarding school. Now that my dad coudl afford it, it may be a good option. I know that if I wasn't living with my mum, we would also have a better rekationship. Thanks for your response.
I know I keep saying it, but just a final appreciation to you all. Sometimes I feel so helpless but you've all given me a lot to think about.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (17 January 2011):
 Cerberus' suggestions are good ones. I have to think that any place is better than where you are. Shame on your father for leaving you in this situation. It's horrid that girls have to endure that treatment anywhere, but it must be even harder when she knows about a better world.
If there isn't any civilized family who can take you in, what about a boarding school in the U.K. or somewhere similar? Ask your father to send you and your sister somewhere that you can be together. Yes, that will leave the issue of school holidays, but perhaps you can catch up with your father for those times.
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A
female
reader, Miss.Me +, writes (17 January 2011):
I'm not sure where you live. Are you and your mom living in Pakistan rather than an Arabic country? Or are you still in the UK? I could cater my answer to your situation more if I knew. Still, here's my advice to you.Your mom's husband doesn't sound good at all. I wonder what your mom saw in him to make her want to marry him? Maybe she took a drastic (bad) choice in retaliation to what your dad did. I've known women who once they know their husband is cheating/wants divorce act out in strange ways. Don't feel that your mom doesn't love you. Sometimes we don't realize what we're doing until something big happens, and something might have to happen here. Have you sat down and seriously talked to your mother about how you're feeling? Does she know the fears you have and how uncomfortable you are? If she doesn't react, then talk to your father. Move back with him. School can continue after you settle down somewhere. Even if he's traveling all over the world, take your sister and go sleep over at a family's house. I do have to say, if your mom's husband ever acts violently, CALL THE POLICE. It doesn't matter if your mother gets angry at you, it's you and your sister's (as well as your mother's) safety that's at stake. If there are counselors, teachers at your school you can talk to, then do. Contact the British Embassy in the country you live and see if they will be of any help.
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A
female
reader, sweetiebabes +, writes (17 January 2011):
Are you in UAE? I live in UAE and I can picture well your description about your Mom's pakistani husband. Most likely, in a low level of society I feel they are...non-educated and some don't respect women and violent when intimidated.
I think you need to sit and talk with your Dad and tell him how you feel. Think of your safety and your sister more than anything else.
I don't want to assume about the behavior of your Mom's husband but most identifies them having a very bad temper though not all pakistani are like that but the kind of description you tell about him living in a remote area, their temper is unpredictable. We have lots of pakistani's in our company and I can tell those who are uneducated they have very rude behaviors.
So, once again, seek help and think of your safety and for your peace of mind.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): Well, i can't help feeling sorry. I am a muslim too. The stress you are going through is toooo much to bear, especially at your age. I feel sorry for your mother too, because if she married such a person on her own will, then she must have been in a severe mental instability. So she fall for the 1st person who consoled her. What i don't understand is why you love your father, when he did these cheatings at the 1st place (But of course that is your business, i was only wandering). Anyway your step father's behaviour is totally unacceptable. And hearing sounds at night from their bedroom is unbelievable. What are they playing at ? Don't they understand that you and your sister are already under so much pressure and these may affect you in the future very badly. May be you need to talk to your mother without a fight. Or may be you could request your father to settle down in a definite area and you and your sister can live with him. Or may be you could contact your grandparents and go to live with them. . .And please don't stop being a good kid. Because being a bad kid won't help you, rather it will make things harder for you.. And i suggest you stop worrying about your mother. I am not telling you to stop caring, i am telling you to stop thinking about what is going to happen if she goes to pakistan or something like that. Because she is a grown up. Let her live the way she wants. May be what she chose is not right, but it is her life and her decision.I wish you and your sister to be able to cope with this. . .
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): What about your mothers family or fathers family do any of them live nearby? Or is there any chance that you could go stay with them even if it's a different country.
You have to be very careful with this guy, where he is from it's a man's world, violence is not only acceptable but it's expected and you're "only a girl". Depending on where you currently live it may have the exact same rules. Saudi Arabia for example is insanely strict and harsh on women and girls, in fact a lot of Arabian countries have very little in the way of rights for women and for girls there are even less.
You're British so I can only assume you have family over there, perhaps you need to contact them.
I would also ask in school if there is someone that you can talk to and get advice from.
Remember if you have a British passport and things get really bad then you can contact them.
Your mother sounds like a very old school Muslim woman, old school in the sense that she defers everything to her man, even if that man is rotten, she is duty bound to cede to his wishes.
You have to be careful with this guy, as you are well aware the wishes of her husband, the man, are far more important than your wishes. Where he is from he can easily beat you if he feels you challenge him in any way.
Unless you find a way to leave then you have to play the role of "good Muslim girl" until such a time as you can fend for yourself. Don't do anything to set him off. But you have to keep one eye open all the time. Any attempt by him to get too close to you or your sister and you have to pack your bags and run to the embassy.
You might even have to go be with your dad. Your safety and that of your sister is far more important than your education, you can pick that up again later.
Talk to your father, talk to family, talk to someone in your school and prepare a contingency plan to be able to leave in a hurry. You're young but you're not a fool. If things get too bad then you have to leave and take your sister with you. Every Arab country has women's rights groups, they can help too.
Educate yourself on your options, come up with a way to get out of there if his behaviour worsens, don't worry about your mom, she'll either come around or she'll just be happy to live in this "good little wife" role she is in.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (17 January 2011):
Which country are you in?
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A
male
reader, EPocket  +, writes (17 January 2011):
 hun
they dont speak Arabic in Pakistan :)
and wat ARAB country u in ?
i hope that such a story is not exist at all
but only help u can seek is ur father`s help if its hell with ur mom .
if no one helps go to UK embassy in that country and explain this to them :) and they will get u out of it . if u cant find the addy for it . just google it :)
am sorry but its hard to believe wat u wrote ant the guy well .. wat kind of woman would want to be with such a guy :)
end with this .
hope things gets well for u . feel sorry how things gone for you . and again if u r really in arab country . i`ll provide u with any information u need to fix things up such as where to go and who to call .
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