A
female
age
36-40,
*aschica
writes:First of all, this really sucks. I have been with my boyfriend for six years and we have been through a lot. I'm currently in graduate school and he moved to be with me. The only problem is he hasn't proposed.It's not like he's one of those guys who refuses to talk about marriage. He wants to get married and he wants to be with me. However, he is taking to long to propose. The part that really gets me is that he has admitted that he knows waiting is hard for me, but he's not doing anything to relieve me from this, i.e. propose (I don't think he really understands though.) He is taking his precious time without concern for my feelings. I think about it everyday. He expects me to go to his friends' weddings and go to couples' game night with two other couples that are married and haven't even been together as long as we have.To put it succinctly, I think he's an inconsiderate jerk. I broke up with him. The worst part is that we live together though.Damn this sucks. Especially because I LOVE HIM! I don't want to date anyone else.I'm open to thoughts and suggestions.Thanks
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female
reader, LizaGalantai  +, writes (28 January 2013):
wow. okay so i know its hard waiting. (This is our 7th year together with my partner.) have you ever thought that maybe the reason he hasnt proposed is because he has an amazing proposal plan that takes time to organise? if you really love him then youll wait.
A
female
reader, raschica +, writes (27 September 2010):
raschica is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your input, everyone. Tisha-1 thanks to you in particular for taking the time out to write a response. You're right about making the mistake of moving in together. I should've never agreed that he move to be with me without an engagement. But I have to either live with the decision or make a change to correct it. I'll definitely keep you all posted.
To Anonymous, I can seriously hear you yelling those words to me as you typed them. Whether it was out of the desire to help or the desire to hurt, I take all input into consideration. But I also imagine that you've never been in this situation before so I take it from an outsider's perspective.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2010): Seriously? You couldn't wait? Maybe he was waiting for you to finish grad school, etc. Don't you think you took it a little too far because you wanted things when YOU wanted them, regardless of the fact that he reassured you that everything will work out? Sheesh... maybe you're the inconsiderate jerk because you didn't consider HIS feelings...only yours.
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female
reader, Enzian  +, writes (26 September 2010):
 Dear raschicaI know how you feel, I've gone through a similar situation, like you and Tisha-1. Marriage for me is not just a piece of paper, it makes a difference.enzian
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 September 2010):
 Look, I understand your frustration, having gone through a similar thing myself. I was dating my boyfriend too, and had reached the point where it was time to make a commitment to me. I know lots of people don't get married yet stay together, but that's not for me, I'm too traditional that way. I wanted marriage and a commitment.
So I gave the ultimatum, I gave him one year to decide, that was what I was comfortable with. I reminded him at 6 months, then at 3 months, to make sure there was no doubt that I was serious about my intentions.
Long story short, at the time the ultimatum had to be applied, I was very honest and nice about, but firm. Either we move forward in the relationship or I was putting myself back on the market, I didn't need to waste his or my time if we weren't aligned with our future goals.
It was hard, it was very difficult, but I broke up with him, and leaned on my friends for support in my decision. Everyone knew, my friends and family, and I had nothing but support. The breakup lasted less than a week, he had needed a galvanizing moment like the one I provided, in order to think things through and to consider his own stance on the matter. I got my proposal, and we have been together ever since.
You decide what you need and if he isn't going to be able to be aligned with you, you really don't have a choice but to move on, so that you find a guy who WILL want to marry you.
I have to point out a mistake you made, however, which was moving in with him. I never lived with my boyfriend, I was not moving in with anyone unless there was an engagement, period. That seemed to me to be poor planning, as you wind up all entangled in each other's lives financially and legally without a good understanding of where things are going. I know, lots of people do it and stay together for the rest of their lives. I also know lots of people do it, but for the guy, it's a convenient way to have sex and housekeeping on tap without actually losing his 'freedom.' Not for me, again, but if it works for others, not a problem for me to say go for it. Lots of people do it, move in together, wind up breaking up and it's very messy because of all the shared financial items and things they've acquired together. Of course, marriages dissolve as well, but then that's why community property laws have developed the way they have.
Anyway, if you think it is time to get married for a good reason, then I think you were within your rights to break up with him. My suggestion is that you stop being angry with him. You've no need to be angry now, you have delivered your message loud and clear, he's delivered his, and you should now turn your focus to the future and to your next steps. Plan, don't sit around and mope, PLAN! This will give you back control of your life and control of your future. Stay positive, stay optimistic, stay focused on your goals. Make sure he knows you love him to pieces and want him more than anything to be part of the future but that you have reached the end of your tether on this matter. Perhaps a change to separate residences and starting a bit of a courting process again with him might not be a bad thing. You don't have to rush out and date anyone, in fact, I'd say you focus on your schooling for the time being.
Maybe this is the wakeup call he needed, to understand the depths of your feelings. Maybe things will turn out after all, you have to have some patience and grace though. Stop being pissy and angry with him. Convey how much you love him and how much you want to be with him but that you have made a decision for yourself. Maybe you could have given him some notice but this is how life turns out sometimes.
Good luck and keep us posted. I suspect the end of the story hasn't been written just yet.
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female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (26 September 2010):
 My fella proposed after 5 years. The military had a lot to do with it. My best friend got married after 8. My godfather, after 12!! Most recently, my fellas buddies celebrated a wedding after 9 years! I'm not saying I don't know plenty of people who have married after a few years, but most of them have ended in divorce (that is probably a coincidence, or maybe not).
If your heart says go, then go. But, I think it'd be a real shame and that you'd be leaving a good, fulfilling relationship behind. You may be overlooking the bigger life lesson or big picture. Patience might be a good thing here. A happy, unrushed marriage for life may be worth the wait.
But, listen to what you think is right for YOU.
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male
reader, nate111 +, writes (26 September 2010):
look at Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweeds relationship there not married and have been together forever
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female
reader, raschica +, writes (26 September 2010):
raschica is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the feedback guys. But honestly, if I didn't want to be with him, I wouldn't be in this relationship for 6 years and I wouldn't be posting questions looking for comments and advice.
"TasteofIndia" thanks for the thorough response. Just out of curiosity, how long were you dating your husband before he proposed? I'm not trying to make him do anything. That's impossible. He's not doing what I feel he should have done and I have to protect myself. I need to trust God and follow my heart. I believe God is telling me to remove myself- either by following through with the break-up or at least moving out. I have to have faith. But I can't go on living this way.
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female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (26 September 2010):
It sounds like you have a great relationship beyond the lack of proposal. He's comfortable going to couples events with you and everything - sounds like a cool guy. If he is not ready to propose to you, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. And besides, if you are going to spend the rest of your lives together, then what is a few more months or years?
It sounds like he knows that you're dying to get married. Well, you should know that he knows and if you love him then you'll wait. Anticipation makes the real thing even sweeter. And the longer you stay together, the stronger your foundation will be for marriage. I know couples that have been together for like, 9-10 years before they got married and that made their wedding all the more beautiful and wonderful.
What is the rush? I understand that you want to be married to this guy, but it seems like you would want him to be your husband because you love him just that much! And if you love him like crazy, then learn to love your story of waiting awhile to get married. There is otherwise nothing wrong with your relationship, right?
I still make my husband call me his girlfriend sometimes. I miss those days. It's not juvenile in the least. And if he's waiting for things to line up, well wouldn't you want him to feel like he's ready and that's why he wants to propose? Not because you made him? It seems like he is almost taking this more seriously than you are.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 September 2010):
 its not just a simple question and you are really taking this to far. he is obviously waiting for the right time for him, you really shouldnt be so hard on him, you probably just ruined a perfectly good and happy relationship over a proposal that if you had waited you would have eventually got.
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male
reader, lionelhutz +, writes (26 September 2010):
If you truly love him, why did you break up with him solely over the issue of proposing? It sounds like you are more interested in the idea of being married than actually being with someone you love. Everybody looks at marriage differently but in the end it's just a piece of paper that nobody really needs to validate their love for someone.
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female
reader, raschica +, writes (26 September 2010):
raschica is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe says that he's waiting for things to line up. He wants to do it his way. OK, well why is it taking so long for things to line up.I do want to be with him and it's not that I want to be married so badly. I want him to tell me and everyone else how much he's committed to me through a proposal. This may sound superficial but I hate when we introduce each other as "boyfriend" and "girlfriend." Those terms are so juvenile to me, especially since we've been together for so long.Why put me through this agony? I think everything is all messed up now anyways. I really don't want to get back together right now because I feel I just need to remove myself from the situation so I won't see him everyday (we live together) and be tempted to bring it up again. He's pissed at me...I'm pissed at him.I guess it's my fault but it's his fault too for making me wait. Why is it so hard for guys to just ask a simple question?!
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (26 September 2010):
He obviously is'nt ready to propose to you, whats the huge deal anyway its only a certificate it doesnt show how much you'se love each other, why do you need to be married so badly why cant you just enjoy each others company and eventually you will get your big day, i think breaking up with him was a bit far fetched, if he is not ready and you keep pestering him about it you will end up driving him away.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2010): Has he given you a reason for not proposing?
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female
reader, RennieGeek +, writes (26 September 2010):
Marriage is just a piece of paper. It doesn't prove anything about your relationship. By talking about marriage all the time, and breaking up with him because he won't propose, you are showing him that all you want is a marriage, not him.
You are in graduate school, maybe he is waiting until you are done, so you don't have the stress or worry of planning a wedding yet?
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