A
female
age
41-50,
*cademicMoss
writes:My boyfriend, of 3 years, and I broke up Sunday night. We're both the same age and don't live together, but spent weekends together and any days during the week if we found time. We were a serious couple and had talked about children and settling down one day.We got to a point where we started fighting and wasn't able to communicate well enough to fix things. Once things got hard, I started over-analyzing and making mountains out of mole hills and he'd withdraw emotionally, and that would put doubt in my mind and then it'd start all over again. This eventually caused us both to have this "love-hate" relationship. We both love each other (still do) but for some reason can't stand being around each other at the same time. Over the last few months things got worse and anytime we'd try to talk about our problems it would lead to a fight and it was back at square one. We just didn't know how to go back to what we once were, even though I know he and I both wanted to. He wanted me to come over, forget the problems, and act like my old bubbly happy self, but it was hard to do that when he didn't act like the same person once I got around him.He told me over the weekend that he loves me more than anything in the world but that he can no longer stand the "drama". I know, based on how he looks at me sometimes and the way he'd touch me, that he did in fact love me. He also knows that I love him but neither one of us actually knows how to show it anymore. While I admit I was a total bitch sometimes, he did many things that led me to act as such. Some he takes credit for and some he doesn't. Some I take credit for and some I don't. The worse things got the less he cared and the harder I tried. Yet, nothing ever got resolved.I knew he'd been unhappy for a little while, and I was tired and unhappy with the drama too, so during a fight last Sunday night (after a perfect day, might I add) I told him that we should just move on with our lives and asked him not to contact me anymore, which he hasn't. It's been 4 days. The problem is that I'm absolutely miserable. I feel like I've been gutted and left to die. This man was my world, he meant everything to me. I didn't end things to get him to come running back to me. I did it in the heat of the moment, during the fight, where I felt that I could move on easily with no problem. That's definitely not the case. I'm so lost. It's not like our relationship was always shitty and we never had good moments nor ever cared about each other. Our relationship was something like I've never experienced before. Passionate, loving and felt like we'd move mountains for one another. His family and friends love me and thought I was the best thing to ever happen to him as he's had a hard life where previous women cheated/broke his heart and people he thought was friends screwed him over. He's the first person I'd ever fallen in love with, and I'd been previously married for 10 years. This man was my everything and he was the one I wanted to spend my life with. I've never felt more love/passion when I touched a man like I did him. It was like this "loving-electricity" throughout my body. I could've held him in my arms for the rest of my life. I was, and am, truly in love with him. I hadn't cried until writing this, how great. This hurts like hell. I don't know what to do now. Where to turn. I have no idea what he's feeling or thinking. Is he happier? Sad? Missing me? I have no idea. I could easily send him a text, but I'm not going to bother him especially when he did like I asked and hasn't contacted me. In my mind he's happier without me in his life, but I don't know. I'm sure he's enjoying not fighting right now. Anyone have any experience with this? And if so, what happened?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 October 2013):
 What happens is that it hurts a lot for a while, and then it starts hurting less, until one day it does not hurt anymore ( Of course it helps if you do your part, avoid to wallowing in misery and regrets, and are proactive in seriously moving on ).
What happens is that if you are brave ,you do a reality check. Reality check: all your post boils down to these few short words : you two don't get along. You are not made to get along, you have tried and tried, but you can't. You are not compatible enough.
Love and passion and electricity and adrenaline, are wonderful things, but are not the foundation of a relationship, and you can't use them forever as fuel to make a relationship last and have it go somewhere. As unluckily, you have seen yourself.
Do you think it really matters that you have been a bitch because he was mean to you , or - as he probably ses it- that he was mean to you because you were a bitch ? It does not, because , for whatever reasons, things happened anyway that have no place in a happy, fulfilling relationship. Intensity and passion keep things lively and exciting,- but they also make for a lot of needless drama if underneath it, there's not that NATURAL easyness and camaraderie and mutual understanding that defuses so many bad situations. That kind of thing that when you have a fight, ( which, anyway, does not happen too often ) makes you take a mental step back , and say " what the heck am I fussing about "- and help you both, in a matter of hours, to even laugh about it and say " yeah what assholes WE were yelling like that, how ridicolous WE looked ". I think the word I am looking for is complicity. Passion is often at odds with complicity, with togetherness. Passion is about winning owning conquering merging with the other - but it's sedom about complicity and kindness. It's seldom about feeling that whatever the other person does wrong, or says wrong, at the end of the day you don't want to hurt him / her.
I am saying all this not to scold you or to say you went wrong somewhere, of course, particularly now that you are miserable and you can't see my point. My point being ( and this is the good news ) - you can't see it now, but it was for the best. Isn't a relationship supposed to make your life better, happier, simpler ? More secure and serene and enjoyable ? ... Otherwise , what's the point of even being in a relationship ?.
You had sparks and chemistry and passion, and I am sure you miss that now. Inevitable. But, you were paying a very high price for this. You also had all the arguments and the guilt and the anger and the anxiety and the frustration and... name another dozen of negative feelings.
Are you sure you would have wanted a whole life like that ? ...Don't be in a rush to say YES. Passion , as it is well known, consumes.... both in positive and negative ways. You only had 3 years with him, so the passion was a flame that, in your mind, gave you heat, light, energy. Could be ... but give it 3 more years and all you'd have had left would have been ashes and dust. With their bitter, irritating taste.
Focus on yourself now, and of your wish of healng and being happy. Don't be tempted to say " but I can only be happy with him "- because that's untrue, as a matter of fact there is so little happiness in what you described !
Trust that happiness may come again, WILL come again, from different men, or different sources altogether. IF you make the right choices.
A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (25 October 2013):
In times like this - I have sent an email with all my feelings of love. Exactly what you said here - minus the blame game. IF you are sure you want to try again - put pride aside and say "I don't want to break up but maybe we just need a break". Then write your feelings in an email or letter.
Good luck. The first couple of weeks are tough but you don't want to regret leaving things unsaid down the line.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (25 October 2013):
 I am sorry to hear you are going through this. The first week after breaking up is often the hardest, especially in your case.
Reading between the lines, it sounds like you want to try again -- that you still have a chance of working things out. This will ring particularly true, especially since your break-up is less than a week.
There are no "automatic" or "easy" answers here. Ultimately what you decide to do is your decision and your decision alone. You know the history of your relationship and what is involved. I imagine you could write a book about it and it still wouldn't give enough information for an outsider to make your decision.
Keeping that in mind, here is what I would reflect on:
1) Are your differences solvable? Meaning, can you make necessary changes to yourself to make the relationship tolerable? You identified some things that were wrong -- what part can you take ownership of and fix?
2) Is he able to accept his faults? Has he admitted that he is part of the problem too? No couple is absolutely perfect and I am sure he has his faults...
3) Is he truly worth making another attempt at? You may have to dismiss emotion out of this, but ask yourself if you "really" got along. Sometimes we think we are with our "soul mates" only to find out later that they clearly weren't.
Also, understand that the break-up process - especially after a long-term relationship such as yours is EXTREMELY painful. Love is like a drug in many ways and when it is taken away from us we will do crazy and even unhealthy things to get that feeling of being loved and wanted back.
Make sure your motivations are because you want to love and be loved by this man and not just to cover up life's unpleasant side.
By all means though, give yourself some time for grieving, try to find new and exciting things to do and the answer will come when you are ready.
Eddie
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