A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Just found out that my bf of four years didn't marry his ex gf because her divorce hadn't come through. He claims this is not the case and it was because they weren't the right match but turns out she was separated from her ex but still married to him whilst my bf and her were together. So anyway, I figured this out and broke off our engagement but decided to be gf-bf and not break up. He seem upset. Did I do the right thing or was it an over reaction? I figure that if her divorce HAD gone through, he would have married her and I wouldn't be in the pciture, so therefore I'm not really the one he wanted anyway. (they broke up because she cheated and tried to find somone who was richer because he was getting into debt)
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 September 2011):
 you broke off your engagment to a man you love who loves you because he did not marry someone else?
trust me honey if he wanted to marry her he'd be married to her... he would have waited.
my boyfriend is waiting on baited breath for my divorce to be final...
and while YOU are not responsible for HER behavior you are responsbile for YOUR behavior and it still SUCKS.... why do you feel the need to punish him for what SHE did or what he did when he was NOT with you?
ad for wanting to be the only person he ever wanted to marry... good luck... I suggest you find a 12 yr old boy who's not gay who has not yet discovered girls and GROOM HIM to love you. After all at 16 most folks want to marry their first loves...
sadly I think you are correct that you should break up with him. You will never feel loved or appreciated.... no matter what he does he can't win. Do him a favor and leave him now.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2011): hello,iv been in the same situation as you. my husband was with his ex for 7 years (we've been together 3 years now) and still i feel 2nd best. to me, i think he was with her that long, he obviously loved her. i dont know what happened between them but as far as im aware she cheated on him like the ex of your fiance.there are times when i think what if.. what if he hadnt of found out and they got married, i wouldnt be in the picture. Iv got the same views as you, i wanna be with a guy who has only ever wanted to marry me. But the reality is, thats impossible.I love my husband with all my heart and i couldnt be without him. It was FATE that brought us together, he was supposed to be with me (she was a mistake) I think deep down you really love him and your scared, thats why it hurts so much to think of him wanting to marry someone else. these thoughts still haunt me but then i think haha iv got him, im going to flaunt him, make her jealous and show her what shes lost.I posted a question similar on here to yours, so you are not alone. Dont loose a guy over his past, its fate! its her loss and your gain. be his future and his only x
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (21 September 2011):
 You say you are listening to our advice, and are breaking up with him against every bit of advice here? I agree with below that you sound like you are suffering from extreme retrograde jealousy. No offense, but this is insane. Like Nime said, you are breaking up with him because he didn't have the psychic ability to know that he should never date in anticipation of one day meeting you. You are his first choice, he broke up with her because she wasn't right for him and picked you as his first choice.
And also like everyone else says, if you walk, by your own description you are damaged goods just the same as him. You can never date again because no one will ever be your first choice after him, everyone else will always be your second choice since you were once engaged, is that about right?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2011): 'I want to be the ONLY woman a man has even CONSIDERED marrying. Not to be some second rate substitute that fills in just because the woman he really wanted wasn't available for marriage.'
If this is the crux of your argument and you believe this sufficiently to leave your fiancé for this point...
Then presumably you except that any man you wanted to date in the future would unfortunately have to politely refuse as you have now already been engaged to your ex-fiancé?
Are you really prepared to remain alone for the rest of your life to support this argument?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (20 September 2011):
 Oh and of course, you'd also benefit from reading everyone elses responses on that thread, they give a lot of great advice. The further you read into it the more you will see how you and her think in quite the same patterns.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (20 September 2011):
Here... Your personal dilemma about love reminded me of this woman who wrote last year to us. I see many similarities in the way you and her approach an "ideal" and imaginary relationship. Have a look at it, and please read my responses to her, as well as her updates. The advice I gave her is what I would give you as well. It all comes down to what love is, really, and if people can be "second bests".
Giving such in depth answer as I did there though takes a lot of time and patience, and digging into it to try and get through to someone. So I rarely go to such great lengths, but you in your situation can benefit from it. So I dug up the other thread for you. Please read it.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-worried-i-might-have-set-my-standards.html
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (20 September 2011):
Uhm.. "they broke up because she cheated and tried to find somone who was richer because he was getting into debt"
Is there more that needs to be said? Or do you understand already that things happen for a reason?
Don't be engaged, sure, you want to think this through so you don't break his heart again. But, between you and me, you're crazy. You figured he'd have been with her if only this, if only that. Well, if you are to count every if and what if's in your own past relationship history you might have married every single man you ever dated. And you might just as well have divorced every single one as well.
And your point was?
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 September 2011):
 How would you feel if every man you met shared the same rigid belief system you do? By your own judgement, you should now have to spend the rest of your life utterly and completely alone because you were once engaged to someone.
Do you not see how ignorant that sounds? This guy has every right to his past. He has every right to his past relationship history.
And this:
"but why on EARTH do I have to treat him nicer because SHE treated him like dirt?!!!! Do I have to pick up the slack or something??? AM I somewhat responsible for how SHE treated him. I really do not think so."
So, you're fighting for the right to treat him like dirt? Congratulations, you've just treated him like dirt. Do you have any idea how many women we see come on here and are heartbroken because the man they love won't propose or commit to them??
But you -- you had a guy love you enough to pledge himself, his future, his possessions, and everything he is to you, and you flung it in his face because he had made a mistake with someone in the past.
You're 26-29, right?? You sound like you're 12. To find this ideal "virginal male who has never been in a relationship", you'll have to date much much younger. And, guess what? You now have the baggage that you condemned your boyfriend with. A young teenage boy will not date you. Anyone older will have a history as well.
You don't know what love is! Just because this other guy was in love once before doesn't make him incapable or unlovable. In fact, I commend him for not becoming bitter and angry at all women because his ex treated him so badly. He was willing to give love another try. He found what he thought was the woman of his dreams. He was with you 4 years.
I'm with CaringGuy. You never loved him, and are manufacturing a reason to break up with him to sound noble and justified in doing so. If this is really how you are, he's much better off without you.
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A
female
reader, Nime +, writes (20 September 2011):
 "I figure that if her divorce HAD gone through, he would have married her and I wouldn't be in the picture, so therefore I'm not really the one he wanted anyway."
It sounds an awful lot like you want to punish your boyfriend for not anticipating you would be in his life someday... Do you think this is reasonable?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (20 September 2011):
I do absolutely agree that it's best for you to leave him. Please do, as quickly as possible. That's the right decision for you and him. If you can't accept a man as he is, and you can't accept his past, then he's not the one.
Beware though - every man in the world comes with a past. You will not meet a man who has't got a past. And if you can't take what is in their pasts, then you're the one with the problem and you'll need to work that out before being in a relationship.
This man did nothing wrong, yet you have entirely blamed him and claimed that you've wasted time on him. Yet he loved you, and wanted to marry you, and accepted you exactly as you were. That was real, true love and commitment. If you think anything less, then you need to take a serious look at what love is, and whether your view is realistic or warped.
Also bear this in mind - you'll never be the only woman a man has considered marrying. A man will consider marriage at some point in his head for every serious girlfriend he has. That's something else you need to accept.
We all come with pasts, OP. If you can't accept a man's past, then you're the one with a problem.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 September 2011):
 He's been your boyfriend for FOUR years? And you think you are second best? Why would he have stuck around for FOUR years if you were just a stopgap? He would have ditched you in the first year if that were the case.
You clearly are upset at learning something that you didn't know but has it occurred to you that he might now consider himself lucky that he DIDN'T marry her?
You sound like you suffer from something called retroactive or retrograde jealousy. Maybe do some research on that topic and see if there are things in that condition that resonate with your apparent over-reaction.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2011): Okay, I'm sorry for freaking out. Since this happened things have been really emotional here and I have spent my time googling answers and came across this site.
I think that it is best to leave him. I do feel like I am second best and I'm tired of it. I want to be the ONLY woman a man has even CONSIDERED marrying. Not to be some second rate substitute that fills in just because the woman he really wanted wasn't available for marriage.
And I did NOT treat him as badly as her!! I gave him everything, he was my first EVERYTHING and now I'm looking like a fool. I wasted myself on him.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (20 September 2011):
No you're not responsible for what happened to him. But I'm failing to see what ANY of that has to do with you. Not to be rude, but shit happens. So he would have married someone else and you wouldn't have been in the picture. Guess what, he DIDN'T marry her because she was a lying cheating horrible girlfriend. That doesn't mean you're second best just because he was in love with someone who was wrong for him before he even met you. They aren't together, he broke up with her because she was a terrible girlfriend, what is there to even compare yourself too?
I think you're taking this way too personally, as I don't see how this situation actually has anything to do with you.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (20 September 2011):
Huh? OP, you're the one who's supposed to love him. Why do you have to treat him nicer? Because you're the one who's supposed to love him unlike her! Isn't that the point of love.
Good God woman, on what planet do you live if you seriously think so little of this man. Why on earth are you with him at all?
Like I said, you're looking for a way out. So leave him.
And for the record - you're not responsible for how she treated him. You're responsible for how YOU treated him, which was as badly as her. You shouldn't be in any relationship with your dreadful attitude. That man needs help - he's picked the wrong woman twice.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2011): *OP here*
Caring Guy SAid '' Poor guy has been cheated on and treated like dirt by his ex, and now you're thrown all his pain in his face for no good reason''
YouWish said ''His ex-fiance screwed him over in more ways than one. And now you want to do the same thing''
Okay, I came here asking for advice and I do appreciate it, but why on EARTH do I have to treat him nicer because SHE treated him like dirt?!!!! Do I have to pick up the slack or something??? AM I somewhat responsible for how SHE treated him. I really do not think so.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2011): It sounds like you have a lot of maturing to do before you consider getting married. It was a good thing you broke off the engagement because divorce is a lot messier and if you are reacting like this to something in his history then you don't have the where-with-all to handle real issues marriage. Just let him go and stop punishing him.
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A
female
reader, Blonde_J +, writes (20 September 2011):
Yes - you've over reacted. Quite a bit. If I were you I would find many ways to apologise. Somebodies past is their past. The only people who know why he and his ex broke up is him and his ex. If she was his one and only, he could have waited for her. Your business starts and ends with your relationship. If I were him, I would be thinking that this is a sign that you don't actually want to be with him, if you would give up on your future together based on gossip. So unless this is the case, I'd start reassuring him now.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (20 September 2011):
This is one of the biggest overreactions I've ever encountered on this site, and I've answered thousands of questions.
You've totally messed this up and completely misunderstood him and everything that has happened. He ended it with her because she cheated. To actually suggest he'd have married her and you're not the one he really wanted is hugely insulting to the poor man who has been cheated on and destroyed once already.
I actually think you should just end it. I don't think you're the one for him at all. Not because of his past, but because this is an absolutely spectacular way to blow a 4 year relationship out of the water. I actually wonder whether you really want to be with him, or whether he's just someone of convenience to you. He has done precisely nothing wrong at all. Nothing. Poor guy has been cheated on and treated like dirt by his ex, and now you're thrown all his pain in his face for no good reason.
I think you're looking for a way out deep down. I don't think you love him. I think you need to end it and let him move on. You're the one who's not into this, and I think deep down you know it. There's absolutely no way that anyone who loved someone would do this.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (20 September 2011):
Huh? I don't get it. Why would you break off an engagement because of something that happened in his past which had absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with you??
Basically, you broke the engagement for no reason. His ex-fiance screwed him over in more ways than one. And now you want to do the same thing.
How the hell can you break an engagement yet still be BF/GF? You just destroyed your relationship!!! You can't break off one portion and simply expect that you can revert it back to an earlier stage! He has every right to be upset at you! You just punished him for no reason! And, not only that, but his whole previous issue with his ex went badly for HIM! He did nothing wrong.
Do you honestly think that it was only the issue of her separated state that caused him not to marry her, and that he would have if she'd been single and not separated?? NOT ON YOUR LIFE! If he had truly loved her, he'd have waited. Instead, his ex DEVASTATED him by cheating on him.
Now, you've just devastated him by acting like a petulant, immature, jealous child. This guy simply can't win with anyone. Your insecurity and not his actions caused what just happened with you, and now you've torched something precious. Keep in mind -- he WOULD HAVE WAITED for her if he truly loved her. You are not his "fallback".
I'm not usually so harsh, but nice going. You had a really good thing with him, and if you want any chance of restoring love with him, APOLOGIZE profusely and restore what you took, or you'll lose him entirely.
But if you don't love him and don't want to marry him, break it off now all the way, and let him find someone who will love him no matter what.
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A
female
reader, KittieS +, writes (20 September 2011):
 You have to follow your own heart, but couples don't stay together for all sorts of reasons, he and she were not "made" to be together if he was cheating and she had designs on someone who had more money.
The older you get the more past GF or BF there are and I think it's best to focus on the now.
I'm not sure if you really do break off your engagement, how you go back to being just BF/GF - had you started making wedding plans? How long had you been engaged for - all of this wpd make a difference.
I think you need to talk to him and really have a big heart to heart about everything
Best of luck
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