A
female
age
30-35,
*ooglehugger
writes:I'm 19 and have had many relationships but my boyfriend (21)has not. He has had one relationship and it lasted 3 weeks and has not gained much experience from it. I'm very used to dating guys who are more experienced in that matter and it's really throwing me off in what to expect. We were dating for about 2 months and then called it an official relationship about a month ago. He keeps making hints that he wants to tell me that he loves me but from my experience I know he doesn't love me, he's just excited about having a girlfriend. I'm not really sure how to explain to him how you're suppose to act in a relationship. So far he's been clingy and very sweet but overly sweet. The sex is good but I feel like I can't get closer to him until I get past all the awkwardness. We get along great and he makes me happy it's just his inexperience gets to me. Any suggestions on how to handle him?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): LazyGuy said it all and you should read his advice again and look inward at your own commitment fears because right now its all HE HE HE.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2011): You're not selfish OP you could have given us those details in your original question though, you did sound a bit patronizing but I see that's not the case.
OP there is no trying, just talk to him and tell him straight, he's being too needy and clingy and he's letting everything else suffer because of it. Don't back down and don't be afraid. He's choking the life out of this relationship and if you want to save it you have to be firm with him.
OP he needs to calm down and chill the hell out or not only is he going to lose you but he's already sacrificing his friendships and family, that's too much. He's inexperienced and quite insecure sounding so try and bear with him a bit but make a stand OP, relationships like these don't last with such crazy intensity and if it keeps going like this it won't last and what will he have left? Nothing he's thrown everything away to be with you and that's plain stupid.
OP just tell him that you want back the guy you first were attracted to, the guy who spent time with his friends and family and took care of those relationships. You want to be with a guy who has a life, you don't want to be the only thing in his life, it's too much.
Don't be afraid of that conversation OP he's your boyfriend and he has to learn this, either that or you'll have to walk away some time soon because he's smothering you.
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A
female
reader, mooglehugger +, writes (9 February 2011):
mooglehugger is verified as being by the original poster of the question I'm sorry, I didn't mean to seem selfish. :( I really should have said something about how him wanting to spend so much time with me is ruining his relationships with his family and his best friend. His best friend stopped talking to him and his sister always cries about how she misses him (19 as well). The Aunts are right and I may be being a little selfish, I'm sorry. I appreciate everything he does for me soo much, I'm just worried about him balancing the rest of his life and me.I don't want his life to fall apart because all he thinks about is me. I tried talking to him about it once but he wasn't use to that kind of talk and kinda over reacted and yelled at me. He'll text me all day when he's at work, he won't work on Fridays when they ask him to because he only sees me on the weekends and I'm afraid he'll get in trouble with work because all he wants to do is see me. Also he only sees his family on the weekend as well. I ask him not to do that and he takes offense to it. He's a very sweet guy and never gets mad it's just he's very sensitive about our relationship and I'm having a little trouble explaining things to him without him taking offensive. Like that couples sometimes fight and that it's not the end of the world.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (9 February 2011):
What you say is: if he were more experienced he would be able to hide the fact that he doesn't love you, yet. As I see this you have an advantage here. I don't get why it's that bad.
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A
female
reader, ashley187 +, writes (9 February 2011):
 Ouch.. sounds like you are being a little selfish. Seems like the poor guy is trying and you won;t give him a break. Be happy that he is excited about you! And exactly how much experience can you have.. being 19? You don't have a clue yet.. you are both still learning. Give him a break and jump off your "high horse" .
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (9 February 2011):
 You've had many relationships, where you stand back and let the guy do all the work.. Sounds lazy to me, and therefore you have as little experience as the guy your seeing.
First thing, if your having problems, you go and talk to the person about it. Secondly, if your having problems, you should at least be able to describe them in a way that makes sense.
The aunts are right... you've dated lots of guys but you know nothing about relationships. Each relationship is new and different and you shouldn't compare this relationship to others in the past that didn't work.
If you don't like "sweet guys", then go find someone who is more abusive/demanding. There's no point staying with a man who doesn't turn you on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): OP you don't sound very experienced yourself at all. What do you mean you don't know how to explain to him how to act in a relationship? How is he supposed to "act"?
OP I know you like to think you are but you're not that much more experienced than him, a bit more mature maybe but experienced no, because honestly if you were experienced you know it takes people time to adapt to relationships, you'd also know that there are no specific rules as to how he should act, everyone is different. If there's something bothering you talk to him, if he's doing something wrong then let him know the right way to do it. What's so hard about that?
OP when you're with a person who doesn't know what they're doing and you do, you do what you would in any other situation, you show them. It might take a bit more work than a more experienced guy but you get the chance to mold how this guy "acts" in a relationship, you can teach him good habits.
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A
male
reader, Nithyanala  +, writes (9 February 2011):
 Have you communicated to him what exactly it is that bothers you? He will only learn if you tell him what is right - or else, it will be as much your fault as his if it doesn't work out between you two.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (9 February 2011):
 Eh... aren't you just really experienced at NOT making a relationship work?
Think of it like this, if you were to hire a 19 year old who had been in say a dozen different jobs, would you be worried?
Or would you hire the guy at 21 who is not as experienced in getting fired or quitting but is trying his hardest?
His inexperience might not be what you need right now BUT I am also detecting a tiny bit of you trying to find a reason to quit yet another relationship.
Really, having failed at many relationships at 19 is NOT something to boast about. Why did so many (your own term) fail? Why did the relationships with experienced guys not work out?
What is so akward in the relationship?
Read your own post again and see if you can spot a hint of "commitment issues" or self-destructive behavior in it.
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