A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Good morning, I am having difficulties in my relationship with my boyfriend that I live with. One problem that seems to be getting bigger is our sex life. Lately, he has been masturbating before work in the shower and I know this is going on. Masturbation does not bother me but in this situation I feel it is replacing intimacy in our relationship. Last week I asked him to refrain from it while we work through our issues and he agreed. This morning when I walked in the bathroom I looked in the shower and he had a hard on. Immediately I assumed that he was masturbating again given the history of the situation. I hope my question is not a silly one, but I am wondering if guys out there can tell me if you just get a hard on for nothing in the shower. I want to believe that he is not still doing this for the sake of our relationship. Anyways, there you have it. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much for your time.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2009): *bharat mehta :
It actually turns me on and I would love for him to masturbate with me together, or he could and I could watch. I don't have anything against it, and believe it is perfectly natural. I just feel that it is replacing our sex life at the moment which is why it is bothering me.
A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (18 December 2009):
 I would like to add some new dimension on meaning of sexual activity: Masturbation is totally private activity of an individual [be it male or female], It is non-vaginal form of penetration, and one is totally feel free about how much soft touch to hard pressure required in particular areas to achieve highest possible pleasure. If it is carried out by other, [ in couple], then it can work best, provided other also share the same intensity in sexual excitement, if not then, it would be a 'dry service' and not pleasurable sexual activity. You can call it as fake orgasm.In your case, if you have really felt sexual excitement by seeing him masturbating, then I think it must not be problematic'- sharing and celebration is the next thing to come out, but you just don't like masturbating, and this is the reason, why your partner do not invite you for sharing, because he may not be sure about your liking.In sexual celebration, words do not work, what work is communication. And, when I say communication, I do not mean a good and lovable talk, which is perhaps easiest thing, but communication of 'sexual vibration' from one body to other, is communication. When sexually excited female touch his male on what ever part of the body, and male, in response to such sexual touch, response with superior sexual touch...is communication. In such celebration word never work. Words will lead one for realization of meaning only, but one must be ready 'to live that realized meaning.' Meaning exists in the object [in body], and one should make that meaning live. Such living is termed as 'celebration of life force'Sexual activity is perhaps most intellectual activity, one is bound to understand everything related to sex. It is not that much simple as pornographer presented in his film, where any one can work for any one, without applying choice. A long time vaginal penetration, a long time oral sex etc. etc. if it is, it is more than simple then.In my earlier reply I have advised for 'communication', and in this addition, I clarify the meaning of 'communication.If you both husband-wife or love couple, what ever may be the form of relations, but give little introspection, I am sure, you will bring out heaven. It is waiting to be come out and entered in to your mind.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2009): *q1605:
No, I have never used sex to manipulate him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2009): * Being Black:
I feel unattractive to him; although I know that I am not. He won't kiss me when I have told him how sensual it is to me. I have initiated but for some reason every single time that I do he turns me down. I guess my insecurities are getting the best of me in this relationship. Sometimes when I have gone to the computer I have seen that he has been checking out breasts etc.
For some reason when we do connect these days as well something happens that puts an end to it all quickly and we don't finish what was started. This has been quite stressful. These factors have lead me to where I am.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (17 December 2009):
Even with getting good sex men masturbate. If he promised you he would stop, he probably just agreed to avoid a fight. Erections in the morning are also common, I was married for 15 years and can count on 3 fingers, the days he woke up WITHOUT one. Some guys also don't want to share this special "me" time of theirs with you because frankly, you are not part of the fantasy at that moment! I would worry more if he wasnt masturbating because that might mean he is getting sex elsewhere. Its a way of safely releasing sexual tension but you seem to be taking this so personally as if its somehow a rejection of you? Not so, its just something guys do and the best way to handle it is to let him have the freedom to do it. Why? Because he will do it regardless. Often this is for when they want sex without foreplay, intimacy and kissing up to you first, like a quickie.
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A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (17 December 2009):
Even with getting good sex men masturbate. If he promised you he would stop, he probably just agreed to avoid a fight. Erections in the morning are also common, I was married for 15 years and can count on 3 fingers, the days he woke up WITHOUT one. Some guys also don't want to share this special "me" time of theirs with you because frankly, you are not part of the fantasy at that moment! I would worry more if he wasnt masturbating because that might mean he is getting sex elsewhere. Its a way of safely releasing sexual tension but you seem to be taking this so personally as if its somehow a rejection of you? Not so, its just something guys do and the best way to handle it is to let him have the freedom to do it. Why? Because he will do it regardless. Often this is for when they want sex without foreplay, intimacy and kissing up to you first, like a quickie.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack  +, writes (17 December 2009):
 OK, now we are getting somewhere. Inching along, but moving.Do you and your boyfriend have sex at any time at all? If you do, where and when? If you do have sex, when was the last time? If you don't, is one of you trying to make a move only to be turned down? Why makes you think he prefers the shower to you? There are clearly underlying problems.It may seem like the guys here are against you, but we all need to know why your mindset is where it is. Something is bugging you so much that you are prepared to come to this site and seek help. Give us as much information as you can, and we will try to help. Don't worry about offending anyone, you won't, and remember this is a completely anonymous site. Say whatever you need to say, or PM one of us if you wish to more discreet.
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A
male
reader, bharat mehta +, writes (17 December 2009):
Your desire is more creative. You have no objection with masturbation but want to share. You want your relationship a good sharing and caring, is highest thing in life. What you need is 'communication' only. It will work, take his erection as celebrating point, and share it. This will make your life a real life in heaven.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2009): Dear Being Black:
Out sexual contact seems to be being replaced with his masturbation. I would love to have more contact with him. Have already said if you are feeling this way in the morning 'come and put it in me' (sorry if I offend anyone) and that I would love to have more of it again in our relationship.
It is getting less and less at this time. I only have a problem with his masturbation because he chooses that more than he chooses to be with me. Even after we both agreed to refrain from it with the goal of approaching the other instead while we work through this.
I am the original poster of this question.
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A
male
reader, Lee Adama +, writes (17 December 2009):
 I'm gonna tackle the shower issue first. Generally speaking, no, a simple shower on its own doesn't give a man an erection. However, there are a hundred reasons why a man might have an erection in the shower, none of which means he's beating himself off.
Clearly the actual issue at hand is that you feel there is a loss of intimacy in your relationship, & you're putting this down to him masturbating.... which I'm sorry to say is quite unlikely. More likely he's felt the loss of intimacy himself, & in his dense man-like way, has decided this is the answer. The two of you really need to sit down & unpick the threads of your relationship & find the actual problem, as blaming something as superficial as masturbation just wont help.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (17 December 2009):
 Okay well your explanation was as clear as mud. Are you guys having sex at all? Do you want to have it more often?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2009): Hi again, I am the original poster of this question and appreciate our answers very much to my situation. I would like to make it clear that we have both agreed not to masturbate but instead work on regaining the connection that we had before on a sexual level. I am all for masturbation but my problem is that I believe he is substituting with it instead of us connecting on a physical level. I am not trying to withold sex from him by any means but do feel like I am not attractive to him because this practice is the path he is choosing instead of intimacy with me these days. I would like more of it and have expressed this to him. Hopefully this helps you understand my position a little better.
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A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (17 December 2009):
Do you mean that you are not bothered by masturbation, as long as your boyfriend doesn't do it?
I have read your post quite a few times, and I can't quite get my male brain around where the problem lies.
Are you saying that his masturbation in the shower impacts on your intimacy because the two of you are not having sex at night? Are you still having regular sex, and he seems to need more? Or, would you rather he point his hard on in your direction because all his sexy thoughts should involve you, and not some fantasy in his head?
You can't stop him masturbating, any more than he can stop you doing it.
Some guys certainly get hard for no reason (those were the days). But you DO seem to have a problem with his masturbation.
You don't want him to masturbate for the sake of your relationship. ??????? If you mean you think he prefers to masturbate, instead of have sex with you, then yes Houston, we have a problem. But your post doesn't kind of say really what you mean, or give specifics about why you feel the way you do sort of. It's a touch vague.
Frequent masturbation for a man does not have a huge impact on sex with his partner. Masturbating doesn't make a man 'less' horny, especially if he's doing it in the shower in the morning. A male orgasm might knock out a 50 year old for the day, but lets say an average 30-35 year old, he will be up and ready again an hour later.
For men, masturbation and sex are two completely seperate issues.
You could try going to bed together if you don't already, or how about showering with him, or having morning sex. Again, I have no real clue what the problem is, as you didn't say.
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (17 December 2009):
 wow is your age correct any way let me clear up two things one your man s probably still masterbating asking him not to is like asking him not to breathe its not good for his health eather it would be like if he asked you not to have your period, its really not fair its bad enough to withold sex from him but to tell him not to masterbate is cruel and unusual punishment i wont say its impossible but short of having both hands amputated or being pralyzed from the neck it practically is.
Ok as for the getting hard part thats easy you can wake up hard go to sleep hard you can think about something that makes you hard if your not having sex and are forbiden to masterbate you would probably be so hard your penis could explode any thing or nothing can make a man hard and just because he is doesnt mean hes masterbating but hey why not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2009): Okay.. since you say that you dont mind him masturbating why is this then become an issue.... if you want to put the fun and intimacy back into your relationship, climb in the shower with him and have sex there!
I have walked into the bathroom and seen my hubby with an erection, so what... why waste a perfectly good erection? I either give him a bj or have sex with him in the shower!
To be honest, I think you need to have more sex with your bf then he wont want to masturbate in the shower!
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