A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, ive been going out with my my bf for about four months and as we were housemates and friends first we live together. hes just started full time work a few weeks ago and is often really tired and stressed out by the time he comes home. i know that he's had anxiety and depression for the last 7 years and has his own issues, but since we've been together he seemed better, more relaxed and more comfortable.lately we've been having more arguements were he gets annoyed that im not doing enough around the house and that i should know how he is and just understand that he gets upset. He always apologises for getting mad, and agrees that i do alot for him, but i get so confused whether or not it has anything to do with whether or not he still wants to be with me.I've not had a lot of experience with depression before and am wondering if this is normal and if there is anything that i can do to help?thankskya-
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): He says one thing and then the other? There's something missing here. I don't think that is entirely depression. I think there is a seperate issue here, with him or with the relationship. If someone was down around me, I'd say, put boundaries down, like, I can't put up with this moping around, will you get over that. And I'd create something fun to look forward to and tell him we are doing this. But with depression, which is worse than being down, I would really, really encourage him to see a G.P. and go on medication
A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity  +, writes (18 August 2009):
 The thing about depression and anxiety is that people don't know how to properly address the symptoms. With your boyfriend working so much, he comes home, and guess who is there to deal with his anxiety? You. It doesn't mean that he likes you less or that he isn't that much into you anymore, you are just (unfortunately) the closest and only person around for him to take his frustrations out on. People do this normally. They take their stresses out on others who really don't have anything to do with the actual issue at hand. I was going through a depression for a while and felt very insecure with myself and the way my life was going. Who did I take it out on? My boyfriend. I felt so comfortable around him that it was just easy for me to take it all out on him by starting fights. I didn't love him any less, it was just an easy thing to do. How can you help him? You be there for him, but stand your ground. If he gets upset with you, try to be understanding, but defend yourself. That's how I came around to what I was doing. My boyfriend never really got angry back at me, and was always there when I was upset, but he was the first to tell me that he thought I was 'attacking' him for no reason. As soon as I realized what I was doing, I forced myself to stop taking things out on him. I also improved my securities by doing things in my life to improve my situation. If your boyfriend's depression is a little deeper than that, then maybe he should also see a doctor about his issues. The bottom line is, this has nothing to do with you. It's nothing you have done or not done, it's just the fact that you are there is the reasoning why sometimes he snaps at you about it. Just be there for him and perhaps suggest treatment if he can't figure things out on his own. All the best.
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female
reader, MansonGroupie  +, writes (18 August 2009):
 You poor thing, I know exactly how you feel and am in the same situation myself at the minute!
Trust me, it will get a lot worse before it gets better. He apologises when he says something hurtful now, you have to be prepared for the fact that he eventually won't and then blame you for him being in a foul mood.
You're doing all you can do for him at the moment but your boyfrind will need to see someone in a professional capacity to assess the level of depression, prescribe the correct medication and possibly even refer him for counselling.
My partner critisises me every day without fail, it started with 'you're not keeping the flat clean, you don't do anything' to shouting and swearing at me whilst we're out shopping because I didn't pack the bags exactly how he would have.
If you're willing to give this relationship a go then patience is key. When my partner & I first got together he treated me like a princess, I could do no wrong and he was so, so happy. He's now been in a depressed state for the last four and a half months solid! You have to hold your tongue (and tears) which gets increasingly difficult to do.
Make sure you have friends and family around and that you are able to take a break from him/his illness and concentrate on you at least a couple of times a week.
I feel for you and your boyfriend, depression is a hideous illness. Just know that whatever he says, he doesn't mean it...I cannot offer comforting words as to what the future will bring as I haven't made it there myself yet (will let you know if I find out).
Be strong and, if you need to talk in more depth, feel free to send me a message.
Take care &, ultimately, do what's best for you.
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): As someone who used to suffer with depression i will say this, mood swings are common in sufferers. I would suggest he goes to his GP for some anti depressants if his condition is not improving (and it offen gets worse without treatment).
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female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (18 August 2009):
 It sounds like you are very supportive already, but he may require medical treatment. Depression generally does not go away on its own - a combination of antidepressant medication and cognitive behavioural therapy seems to be effective for a lot of people. Irritability and being hyper-critical of others are symptoms of serious depression. If he acknowledges he has this condition, the next step would be to encourage him to see a doctor. Depression is not just a mental illness, it is a chemical imbalance in the brain that requires treatment and responds well to treatment.
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