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female
age
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anonymous
writes:My boyfriend let his 23 year old son move in with us 3 days a week. He has a place with his girlfriend but instead of going to junior college near where they live he picked a college that is 25 miles north of us. We live 70 miles north of them. The problem, he has no car and seems completely uninterested in figuring out public transportation. Why he did this is completely unknown to me. It seems a really dumb move to make. Now he keeps asking to borrow our cars. I knew this was going to happen and I am already frustrated. I am unemployed right now so it is the car I drive he asks about the most, because it is here . My boyfriend keeps telling him sure. My boyfriend paid for the car but agreed that it is mine to use as I see fit after mine died. So yes, technically it is his car but we have been together 6 years and it has always been the one I use.But now he says his son can borrow it instead of asking him to come to me and ask. Also the son never does housework and has not washed a single dish since he arrived a month ago. I normally do the housework for the 2 of us but don't feel like I should have to do this for his grown son. I have tried discussing this with my boyfriend but he just gets mad at me. I am wondering what other people think I should do. I am thinking about talking to the son and telling him how I feel about the extra housework and coming to me to use the car. I also feel he should look into other methods of transportation or transfer to a closer college. Last semester he didn't go at all and yet his dad paid his rent. I can see this going to hell in a hand basket quickly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2013): I never said you disliked anyone. I said you think everyone is awful around you. Read your own posts. They are all negative descriptions of your boyfriend and his children.
I think I struck a nerve with you! I call it as I see it.
Move out, and seek your own independence. Maybe you'll have less to complain about.
You should be grateful you do have a home, access to two cars, public transportation, and you're not alone.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 August 2013):
 The legal angle was stressed just to confirm how, unluckily, you have no practical tools to assert your " rights " on the car and you should come to terms with it.
There would be of course the tools of persuasion: pleading your case, reasoning, convincing.. but I think it's a lost battle.
Your bf knows very well what you would need the car for, and he knows very well what his son needs the car for- and , at the end of the day, his son's needs trumps yours easily.
Which you see as a monstrous injustice, or a sign of unhealthy parenting; it could be, I guess it's a matter of opinions anyway. All I am saying is : do not be surprised- many, maybe most, parents would make the same choice if having to choose whether facilitating their children's wellbeing, convenience and goals in life , as opposed to those of a girlfriend. Your bf is more invested in having his son reach his college timely and conveniently, than in making your business meetings easier. Which, you may not agree with, but, again, is far from surprising.
As for the cleaning up , I am more hopeful on this , the son is obviously not used to pull his weight but he does not sound hopeless, after all he was kindly asking your permission to have the car, before his father told him that wasn't necessary, right ? he is young, he is lazy, he is a bit clueless, - he may need to be REMINDED a couple of times what he agreed to do, hopefully he'll come around. If he does not- just do not clean up after him, in fact tell your bf that HE will need to clean after his son if the young man can't be persuaded to do his share.
If all that does not sound tolerable or acceptable to you- your choice, but don't stay there stewing up in silence and festering with powerless resentement- just LEAVE, and go live independently so you can set your own rules about housekeeping and transportation.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBoy, WiseOwlE, did I strike a nerve with you or what? Where did I say I dislike everyone around me. I don't remember even saying that I dislike his son, though if he continues to live here and treat me like his maid that could happen. I am exasperated by the situation and not being treated with respect. Oh and by the way, I had a car of my own which one of his daughters totaled. I have been looking for a new car. His kids are messy, that is a fact not an opinion. Don't see why I should give up 6 years of love due to a problem. I came on here to get other peoples advice about my problem. You seem to have some deep seated issues. Did some woman you dated not like the way you raised your children and told you so?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2013): It is evident that you find your boyfriend's children controlling, dependent, and messy. You are irritated with your boyfriend; because you think he is too easily manipulated by his adult children. He took the car away, which has now destroyed your relationship with him, and has given you reason to dislike his children.
Why are you remaining in this situation?
You think everyone around you is awful. It's his children, his house, and his car.
So go get your own.
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female
reader, babyzbird  +, writes (29 August 2013):
 I honestly don't see this working out for you. The more you stay the more resentment is going to build up. What kind of a future is that?
I would just leave. You've been with him for 6 years and yet he hasn't even proposed. I think he is just using you and maybe his son doesn't like you because you are not his Mother.
You deserve much better.
Good Luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou know it is funny. I thought maybe I was being too harsh until today. I spoke to the son yesterday and nicely asked him to do his own dishes or pick a night to do them and I will do them the rest of the time. He agreed he would do them as he used them. That was his preference, and this morning I got up to watch him and his girlfriend, who is also staying with us some of the nights, leaving. Dishes everywhere, garbage on the kitchen counter. And we have guests coming tonight. So I can either be a bitch and not clean up after him and have a dirty house for company or I can clean and feel resentful. Doesn't seem like much of a choice does it. And yes, all three of his children have amazing control over his emotions in a way you don't often see. I believe the term co-dependent applies. As for the car if he really needed it, missed the bus or could not use his girlfriends car, I would drive him and drop him off. But having a vehicle sit in a parking lot when it is needed makes no sense to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2013): So you are saying, his son is just using your car to purposely inconvenience you, and to keep you from doing things to benefit your household; and prevent you from caring for his incapacitated grandmother?
Knowing you must do all this, your boyfriend maliciously confiscates your vehicle in order that you are unable to contribute to the household, meet your clients, and care for his own mother? To top it off, his son by-passes all of his own available conveniences; just to make your life miserable.
You are telling us, his son will not use his girlfriend's car; which is readily accessible, and would rather take your car to purposely cause you distress. Never mind the fact his father offered him the option. He must have amazing influence over his father's reason and better judgement. His son clearly has the power to supersede his
father's sense of fair-play, where you're concerned.
The way I see it, your boyfriend lessens your responsibility to care for his mother.
He reduces your earning potential, by restricting your access to potential clients; thereby assuming the bulk of the financial responsibility of paying the bills, and maintaining most of the financial obligations.
You are clearly unable to continue paying long-term; because your financial resources are limited. So all you have left to do is pay as much as you can, do household chores, cook, and look for work.
You can also take a bus, or borrow either car when you have scheduled appointments.
He is being unreasonably cruel by offering his son that car and causing you a major, yet temporary, inconvenience. Is this what you mean?
I guess you have reason to leave him now. He is cruel to you, and his son is a mooch.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2013): I think you're missing the point made by many of the other posters.
It's not your car, it's your boyfriends. He bought and paid for it, it's up to him what he does with it.
Unless the household bills that you pay include the mortgage or the rent (in which case your name should be on the lease or mortgage), it's not your house.
You've been part of this man's life for six years, his son has been part of it for 23 years. In all likelihood in any situation like this the parent will side with their child and not the girlfriend/boyfriend. This is not a fight that you are going to win.
By all means discuss the situation with your boyfriend and tell him how you feel, but don't expect that he'll take your side.
If you do pay the lease/mortgage, then you have a right impose rules on any visitors/guests. If you don't then you have no rights. I know you're not interested in hearing what's legal, but at the end of the day, that's the final decider on right and wrong. If you want complete control over the car, then pay him the money that it's worth or buy one yourself.
Otherwise I'm afraid you'll just have to realise that both you and his son, have no rights to his car and house and it's up to your boyfriend to decide who/how they can be used.
As far as cleaning up after him is concerned, if you don't want to do it, don't do it. If your boyfriend complains, point out his son is old enough to clean up after himself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo some more facts. I do pay for household expenses. I have a small business which I am trying to grow. Part of that requires me to drive to clients. I also do all of the shopping and cooking for the family. Clean the house etc. I pay a number of the bills using my savings. I lost my job 8 months ago and am interviewing for a new one. So that means I need the car for that. Everyday, I visit my boyfriend's mother in the home she is in and feed her lunch. She has dementia and can no longer use a fork or spoon on her own. For those who suggested I am just using the car for visiting friends that is just not true. Also, his son has access to his girlfriend's car, and his sister's car which she no longer uses. He owns a bike, he can use the bus. His class schedule is such that he is at the school from 11 am to 8 pm so if we give him our car it will just sit in the school parking lot. This is not about what is legal. I get it is not legally my car. This is about what is right and smart for the whole family. I am not sitting around everyday just waiting to visit friends. And he needs to clean up after himself. He is a grown man, not a child and certainly not a guest in this house. And I am not his mommy.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (28 August 2013):
Yes, unluckily as other posters have remarked, you have no legal rights concerning the use your BF does of his belongings ( car and house ). But, I'll stretch it a bit further : while I can understand your frustration and annoyance, then again I don't see your BF as an ogre or a tyrant. I think that from his point of view it makes perfect sense.
The car is not your car, it's his car, paid by him and in his name, that he let for your exclusive use UNTIL it was possible, i.e. until it was not needed for more important uses. I think it's normal that he thinks letting his son have a car to go to college is , if not more, AS important as letting his gf have a car to run errands or see her friends. You are just as able as the son to use public transportation, and it's not unreasonable of your BF , rather than buying a new car for either of you, to expect that you SHARE the one which he's got already, since the son only needs it half of the week or less anyway.
More or less it's the same for the domestic set up. The arrangement seems to be that he works and supports you while you take care of the house. Including his guests and family members when visiting. Now this family member is visiting quite too often for your tastes and, again, I understand you are unhappy about it, I would be too... but you did not exactly sign a contract saying " in change of board and lodging and use of car I will ONLY cook for 2 and wash dishes for 2, to the exclusion of any guests/ family memebers ".
What you can do, I think, is politely ASK the young man to cooperate and give you a hand with housework , cleaning after himself, washing dishes. Maybe he IS just a user and a lazybum... but proably he's just clueless and unthinking as many people his age. If you tell him , " hey, I am a mature lady, it's hard for me doing EVERYTHING by myself, I 'd need and appreciate you pulling your weight around the house " ... he should really be a big loser to answer " Who cares, ** yours " .
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female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (28 August 2013):
 No point talking to your BF as I assume its his house and he will put his son before you. You need to accept you are financially dependent on the BF and he has every right to let his son use the car and his house within his rules and not yours. I am not being nasty but stating the facts, if he had to chose you or his son, I suspect you will be kicked out.
Its not your place to talk to the son especially if his father condones his behaviour.
Your BF will start seeing you as a trouble maker and trying to destroy his relationship with his son. Also he will look for someone else to warm his bed and willing to accept his son. Its really a bum deal when you are not financially independent. You need to get your independence and you will then have a better leg to stand on. This is the hard cold reality of life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2013): IF it's his house, there literally is nothing you can do about the son. If it's some sort of joint mortgage or setup then yes, I think it's unfair and bad parenting to allow his son to mooch off the both of you... And for your BF to get mad due to your concerns. Unless it's your house, you unfortunately don't have a say. As for car, exactly what everyone else has said. But how long have you not had a say for? To be honest he should listen to your concerns and try and understand where you're coming from. You're his partner of SIX YEARS... He seems quite dismissive of you and is there any special reason why you're not married? Do you want to get married?To be honest I agree 100% with everything sage old guy said. Talk to him and see if you can agree on some compromise...Sorry but if your views are this compatible you're not suited to spend your lives together, and you should get out of it. I KNOW I couldn't be with someone that has parenting values like your "BF" it would drive me mad. Sounds like you DO have big compatibility issues, and you may just have to face up to that and break up.Sorry and good luck xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2013): You are currently unemployed and financially dependent on your boyfriend. He is not complaining about the fact you don't have a job, and didn't complain when you needed a vehicle when yours died. Sounds pretty generous to me.
His son moves in only three days a week, yet happens to be in college. He may not like using public transportation, but he uses the car for school. What could possibly be wrong with that? His dad says it's okay; because the car is just sitting there when you're not using it. I'm sure it would be different if you needed it. We're talking about his son, not a total stranger.
You're harboring resentment; because you're usually a working and independent woman. You're making a few adjustments, and feel your boyfriend should seek your approval. Not for the reasons you offer.
He can unilaterally decide how the car is used; because you didn't pay for it. It's only a problem;, because you're making it a problem.
When we're out of work, we feel powerless; and the least little thing can make us feel under-appreciated or resentful. We're taken back, and our sense of pride
becomes quite fragile. If you were working, you'd over-look this; because you would have your own income, and wouldn't need anyone's help. His son needs help. Be generous. Now he owes.
I wouldn't worry much about the dishes. That's a bit petty. You don't have to do his laundry; or clean up after him, and it wouldn't hurt to say so. You can lay down any rules that directly affect you as you please. You're not the maid. You're his mate.
If you want him to treat you like a wife. Then you need to discuss where the relationship is going. Or wait until you have common-law rights when you reach the legal requirements; if your state recognizes common-law marriage. That's seven years in some states.
He will still have the right to help his son when he sees fit. He can do whatever he pleases with his money, as long as the household expenses don't suffer; and he can afford it. Parents don't think twice about sacrificing for their kids. If you're not a parent, that may not resonate. Complain when it starts to dip in your pocket. You don't have to do one darn thing for his son, if you don't want to.
This would never have been an issue if you were working.
Your hypersensitivity is born of feeling too reliant on your boyfriend; and that makes you feel he makes decisions without you out of lack of respect. It really isn't. He loves his son; and like any parent, he'll be generous and a good father. Even to a fault. Don't blame him for that. Even if you know it is imposing, and impractical.
You still have use of a car, when you need one. Not many boyfriends buy their girlfriends a car. You're spoiling for a fight; because you don't like sharing with his son. It makes you feel you're playing second-fiddle. That's all in your head.
Settle down. Stand up for your rights when necessary. Don't compete with his son. It isn't really necessary. It's a temporary inconvenience; and not up to you to decide what school is more convenient or not. If it were your son, you'd have a different opinion.
Some have advised you to confront your boyfriend. In all reality; you can leave, if you don't like what's going on.
There is nothing holding you there. Some would say he doesn't have to support you; if you're not his wife.
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. You can tell him to kiss your ass; if he suggests you do anything that you feel is an assault on your pride or dignity. So far, he hasn't. You don't like his son using the car; because you interpret it as being a repossession. It's a favor. Behave, and maybe you'll get a new one.
He's not your son. So you have no say of what your boyfriend should and shouldn't do for him. If you just over-look it, it wouldn't be an issue at all.
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reader, babyzbird +, writes (27 August 2013):
I hate to say it....but your stuck between a rock and a wall.
As the others have already said; legally you have no rights to your boyfriend's money, transportation, or who lives with him.
You can take the public transportation just as much as his son. Your boyfriend has every right to let his son use his car. You are going to have to learn to share the car with his son.
My advice is once you have a job save up some money to buy your own car. Or once you have a job then consider if your relationship is going to work out with his son being in the picture.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): "I am wondering what other people think I should do."
Not much you can do. You're not going to change your boyfriend's enabling behavior towards his son, you're unemployed so you can't afford to get your own place, and unfortunately as a live-in girlfriend you have no claim to boyfriend's assets or right to spousal/transitional support. As long as you remain financially dependent on a guy to whom you are a legal stranger (no relationship by marriage, blood or adoption) you're stuck living by his rules.
Since you aren't married then what's yours is yours and what's his is his so he is free to spend his money supporting his deadbeat son, whom I would assume has become an expert at playing his parents against each other and/or guilting his absentee father to get what he wants.
"I am thinking about talking to the son and telling him how I feel about the extra housework and coming to me to use the car."
No point. What you "feel" is irrelevant to him. You're not his mother, you're not even his father's wife, you're the stranger with whom his father has been shacking up for six years. His father is providing free room, board, and transportation with no strings attached, and he certainly isn't going to give up such a sweetheart arrangement on his own volition.
"I also feel he should look into other methods of transportation or transfer to a closer college."
Unfortunately you have no legal standing so what you "feel" doesn't matter.
Sorry to be so harsh, but any unmarried woman who decides to play house with a single father needs to be aware of the cold unvarnished reality that if it ever comes down to kids versus new girlfriend (no matter how long she's been in the picture), the kids usually win no matter their ages.
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reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 August 2013):
 Your last sentence - " I can see this going to hell in a hand basket quickly." - is the most important part of your submittal...
Remember: This guy is your "boyfriend"... so you have abdicated any/all rights that you might have had if he had been your "husband"..... and you are totally dependent upon HIM being fair and square with you.... AND, treating you such as he would have to (treat you) if you were a WIFE...
Sooo, I suggest that you sit down with "B/F" and tell him just what are your gripes about his son coming to mooch off the two of you.... see what is HIS point of view in the matter... AND, if your's and his points of view are incompatible.. and can't be brought in to concert... THEN you pack your things and take your leave.... It's REALLY that simple....
Good luck....
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