A
female
age
41-50,
*ifey_not
writes:So ive been married for 18 years, we have 4 children all teens. Extremely unhappy since 2007. We always had a sort of toxic relationship. Fighting (just words) , making up, great sex..etc. In 2005 he was involved in a business that required alot of time away from home. Needless to say i was lonely so i purchased a vibrator. I didnt think it was a big deal but he had a macho side so i didnt tell him. A few months later he found it..was completely offended and left me and the kids for 8 months (only providing financial support). Then in the beginning of 2007 we reconciled and i thought everything was fine until he woke me up in the middle of the night to confess he had an affair and had a CHILD...who was born in 2006, when i subtracted the months i realized that he had cheated on me even before i got thevibrator!! I had been a housewife all these years. I was devastated, depressed but somehow he convinced me he was a changed man and we remarried. Now present day... I have a small job, do not make enough to pay the mortgage or bills, so i feel trapped in this relationship. Our sex life is horrible. Once or twice a month...his needs met, mine forgotten. So i recently met a younger man 12 years my junior, we had coffee, we talked, one thing led to another...weve been having amazing fulfilling sex...i know i should either end my marriage or this affair but need both. I need to have my husbands wallet, but i need my lover 2 or 3 times a week. My husband leaves out of town 2 or 3 times a week which makes it all the easier. I also feel that if it ends with my lover, i'll just look for another. All these years of an unsatisfying sex life has made me unsatiable. Needed to get this off my chest..advice someone.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (31 August 2013):
 Forget the PI, just find the best lawyer your husband can afford and get busy.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 August 2013):
 You need to see a local divorce attorney. No doubt he or she could recommend a PI.
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A
female
reader, wifey_not +, writes (31 August 2013):
wifey_not is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again everyone. Great advice. Does anyone know California laws? Is it a no fault state?? Ugh...btw he's going out of town for the 3 day weekend, he said he needed to "relax". These are the kind if b.s. Things he does all the time. Taking off and leaving for days at a time is his specialty. Maybe i should hire a p.i. to see if hes cheating again. :-\
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 August 2013):
 Also remember you might not be able to use his infidelity as the reason for divorce.
Many states in the US are no fault states, so be prepared for that.
However, alimony might be "easier" to get if you have been out of the job market of a long time, but it's not a given that you will get it for a longer period, it depends on many things, that is why talking to a lawyer is a good idea.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2013): OP, all of your fears about what happens financially if you divorce him, are straightforward to be answered by a divorce lawyer. they deal with this sort of thing all the time every day, your type of marriage is nothing new. See a lawyer NOW, but do it in secret, before you announce to your husband the divorce. You need to have all your ducks in a row first to protect yourself and the first step is gathering all the legal information which you can only do by consulting a lawyer who specializes in divorce. or how about this. see a lawyer now but don't tell your husband. Just get all the answers to all your "what if" questions, then you are in a position to make informed choices of what to do next. Until you see a lawyer, you are in the dark making assumptions. sounds like your husband has a lot of money, I'm pretty sure you will be fine financially from the divorce. it is even possible that your husband has not divorced you because he knows that if he did, he would have to pay you a huge amount of money and he wants to avoid that! (women stay in their marriages because they fear they can't support themselves financially without a legal husband, while men stay in their marriages because they fear they will be court-ordered to give all their money to the ex-wife and have nothing left for themselves)But again, if your husband knows you have been cheating on him, that could negate a lot of your advantage since you cannot then put him at fault for the marriage dissolution.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 August 2013):
Definitely see a lawyer right away, you don't really sound prepared for the inevitable end of the marriage.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (29 August 2013):
Talk to a lawer immediately .
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female
reader, wifey_not +, writes (28 August 2013):
wifey_not is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo anonymous, i really liked your advice. Your so right, he is full of sh**. I dont know when, but I will soon be going to a divorce lawyer. I have another problem, besides our US house, he has 5 properties in Mexico which if I cant own because Im U.S. Born. So i scared that if i tell him i want a divorce, he can just go and live in Mexico, sell our house here and leave me high and dry. I could really care less if he leaves but i dont trust him to leave me financially stable. If he knew he had to pay alimony he would run.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2013): If you divorce now he will have to pay child support and a lot of spousal support since your marriage has been going on so long. And the fact that he committed adultery and had a child from it will mean you can calm this a fault divorce (as opposed to a no fault divorce) meaning the judge will probably require him to pay you even more money since he basically wronged you by cheating. You will thus be able to get a big share of his money from the divorce if you do it now on your terms.However if you just wait until you get caught then you can no longer claim a fault divorce with him at fault since then it would be known that he isn't the only one who committed adultery but you did too. This the outcome of the divorce settlement could be cert much less in your favors in this scenario. Why do you want to wait til you get caught anyway? Why not be the captain of your own ship rather than leaving your future to chance?Work on your job skills, you need to be financially independent. Lots of women are. Single women and single moms don't have a man to pay for everything and they manage to take care of themselves and kids if they have them so if you are able bodied and healthy there is no reason you need to access a man's wallet via sleeping with him. Your mortgage is too high? Sell the house and move into a smaller rented apartment. Keep working your job and do your best to get promoted or move onto bigger jobs that pay more.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2013): You don't need to stay in your toxic marriage because you need his money. If you divorce he wi have to pay you child support and alimony. That's the whole point of alimony. It is so that women who sacrificed their job skills to be housewives for their husbands, can leave him if they meed to and still have access to his money to compensate for their sacrifice for him.Don't stay in your marriage just for his money. Having sex with a man you don't even like just so that in return he will give you money is basically the oldest profession in the world if you know what I am referring to. Don't stoop to that level. You can do so much better than that!!You don't need a lot of money to live on. How do you think young adults moving out of their parents house for the first time do it? You move into a small apartment, get a roommate to split costs if necessary. Make sure he pays court-ordered child support. From there you save money while working a job and slowly build up more from there. The court should also order him to pay alimony so that is income to you too. Honestly if your husband would leave you for 8 months over a vibrator he is pretty pathetic. He is not macho at all he is extremely insecure. The fact that he cheated and has fathered another child is abhorrent. Please do not continue to have sex with him just so he will give you money. You are above that. See a divorce lawyer now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2013): Actually twice a month is not that horrible for a couple married almost 20 years with 4 kids. I don't understand how he gets away though with not pleasing you just himself, doesn't he know better? Vibrator couple use very often, your husband is full of sh... It's was just an excuse for him to leave. He cheated first, and also had a child. Now you are doing the same. Your marriage is quite disfunctional and pretty much over. I am sure that in a few years when youngest child goes to college, you guys will find your separate ways. Now you need to think about your future. If you get caught, you're not going to get any support from him, so you need to be really carefull. I hope you understand that your young lover eventually will dissapear, as he would want to get married one day and have kids also but not with a woman who is so much older. Plus you probably wouldn't want any more kids, you ve had enough. So you need to be ready for that. And find another one.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 August 2013):
You write:
"I can continue this until I get caught. I dont know."
And then what? You need to think of the future. You kids, your happiness, your sanity.
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female
reader, wifey_not +, writes (28 August 2013):
wifey_not is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the advice. I guess I have to make a decision...or I can continue this until I get caught. I dont know.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): Omg, I know exactly what you're going through as I'm in the same situation. I've been married, unhappily, for 13 years and and have had a boyfriend on the side for 3 years now. My husband and boyfriend know about each other and don't mind, but this lifestyle is hard as hell. I feel trapped in a marriage with someone I don't love, because we have children, and I can't live with or marry the boyfriend that I'm in love with. Unless someone's been in this situation they don't understand. It's not really what you'd call "the best of both worlds".. it's hard as hell living 2 lives and can't be fully happy, or fully give yourself to the one you really want to.
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female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (27 August 2013):
 If I were in your position I'd probably do the same thing. I don't blame you one bit. Eyewideopen is right though. It's only a matter of time before you got caught and it won't fare well in court. Have you ever thought about becoming totally independent where you don't need to depend on your husband anymore for money? Go back to school if you must. Get a full time career. Figure out what you want to do for you. There is nothing like sweet independence, where no one can dictate how you should spend your time or money. When you achieve this, you might even realize that you don't want to stay married anymore and would enjoy being single. If this is a dream of yours go for it. There is nothing stopping you except yourself.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 August 2013):
You don't need both - you want both.
You buying and using a vibrator doesn't give your husband the right to cheat. You didn't MAKE him cheat. He might have felt emasculated by finding the vibrator, but how did he deal with it? He LEFT you. It was just an excuse. No talking about it, no trying to find out why you had one. You two don't communicate very well, certainly never about sex.
YOU need to figure out how to deal with a dysfunctional marriage. And you don't fix it or figure it out while doing exactly what HE did to you when HE cheated. Two wrongs doesn't make a right.
YOU already know what you need to do. But you forgot the 3rd option. TALK to your husband, get counseling.
Cheating doesn't fix a thing. It's instant gratification and distraction.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (27 August 2013):
Dear OP,
I agree with eyeswideopen that you should see a lawyer about all this, maybe he can tell you if you're really financially trapped or not. Your marriage sounds like an unhealthy arrangement and you'll be better off without it in the long run. Please be careful about hiding this affair. I hope you can gather the courage to make the important changes that you need in your life. You can't stay in a trap forever, fight to break out of it.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (27 August 2013):
If you couldn't hide a vibrator from your husband I highly doubt you will be getting away with meeting your lover 2 or 3 times a week for very much longer. So you most likely will be in a divorce in short order. After 18 years of marriage you should qualify for some hefty alimony, of course that's if hubby doesn't charge you with adultery. I'd check with a lawyer.
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