A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys! I have a great long term BF (4yrs) who treats me right, but I can’t help the fact that he really only makes friends with girls. He says his friendships are plutonic and harmless, but another girl has re-entered the picture who seems to fancy him. He knew her a year ago as a coworker. She was in a car accident, and he, very sweetly, visited her in the hospital after work routinely, and even had dinner with her family while she was in recovery. He was visibly devastated by her accident. He was so deeply sad when he would come visit me and talk about her. Almost to the point of tears, which outside of this incident, I have never seen him so emotional. Honest. It struck me that he could be infatuated. This looked like a step above normal empathy. My heart was so confused. It was almost as if he was in love with her. I was stuck between feeling…horribly silently insecure…and also admiring him for his sweetness. Then she moved home for therapy. “Whew!” I thought. They lost touch. Now, she’s back in town and they bumped into each other at her old work place.He seems to have a crush on her and it’s driving me up the wall knowing he’s emailing her. He told her he’s with me, and that we should all hang out sometime, but I can’t shake the feeling that maybe he’s getting tired of me and likes her attention. I realized now his locking his browser, ha! Which further increases my insecurity and prevents my snooping. Also, I know snooping is wrong, which makes me a monster. I feel like peeking could clue me in to what’s going on though. I have horrible mixed feelings about myself when he gets to be close friends with other women. This woman in particular. One half of my heart knows he loves me and he’s honestly a great guy to be trusted, the other half thinks he wants to change things up and swap me in for another model… someone “better”. I have always felt a little inadequate compared to other women. I suspect this is where it’s coming from. I feel so on guard and it makes me a horrible girlfriend when it comes to his “girl friends”. Yes, I have let him know nicely that I feel insecure about his growing friendship with her, and yes, he’s tiredly told me there’s nothing to worry about. But why do I keep worrying? How do I stop? It strains our relationship when I admit my insecurity. I do understand I have a problem. Otherwise, everything else is pretty peachy. Few fights, regular sex… we even just moved in together! Please give insight. I love him dearly, but I need advice.
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female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (28 August 2013):
 hi, from what you said I gather you have had this chat with your BF and also about your insecurity. The reality is that he does not treasure his relationship with you and is willing to risk everything over this "friend". You are correct it is not normal how emotionally tied he is to this friend and to the extent of visiting her routinely in hospital and having diner at her house.
You have two choices: walk away or risk everything and impose yourself on all meetings he has with her. The second is not a healthy option.
I also suspect if you end things, he will not fight to keep you but seek comfort with this friend. Time to let this relationship go or you will drive yourself insane with jealously and he will break all confidence in yourself.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2013): Insecurity kills relationships. Forgive me for being a broken record. If you've been in a relationship for four years without incident; your trust should grow stronger.
Hello!?
I will give you benefit of the doubt for a few things. It places a lot of stress on a committed-relationship; when a guy has only female friends. Then he shows so much emotion and concern for someone with whom he supposedly has only a casual relationship. That's a little smelly.
I commend him on his empathetic nature; but it is so self-incriminating, even I'm suspicious. He didn't do himself any favors by blocking his browser. To a point, he's justified; because your snooping is invasive, and only due to your distrust. You'd do it with or without any particular reason, other than being insecure. This old crush just makes you feel jealous.
The thing that bothers me most in the whole scenario, is the fact he can only include women as friends. If you have a girlfriend, that is begging for problems and feeds suspicion. It's like he's tossing lit matches at an open oil can. You can only push a woman's tolerance so far.
If he knows how insecure you are around other women, it's like he's purposely pushing the envelope. This guy likes walking on a tightrope. However; you may be given to exaggeration to justify your insecurities. He can only spend so much of his time with friends, male or female. I'm certain you rarely let him out of your sight. I'd bet the farm on that.
No one can control your feelings, but you. You getting uncomfortable with his open display of emotion for that female, may carry some merit. If you can't bring yourself to talk to him about how you feel; then you'll act out in ridiculous ways. That will do more damage than talking about it. The snooping to cite one example.
When a man does more than a woman can handle; then it is time she assess how important it is to keep him around; or to stay.
You don't have to stay past your level of comfort or tolerance for his behavior. If you know he has no intention of changing it. You can't ask him to get rid of his friends.
You can leave anytime you wish.
If he makes you more miserable than happy, it's time for him, or you, to go. If you're normally happy, and just jealous; then most of the problem is your insecurity. You work on it together.
If the only problem you have is with that female; then tell him about it; and if he doesn't handle it to your satisfaction. Simple solution. Leave.
Base your decision to end it solely on real evidence. That is the only thing that justifies any drastic action.
If he's spending a lot of time with her, if he comes home late without explanation, if your sex-life becomes less or non-existent; or he rushes to her every distress call. Your man may be more than just friends with this woman.
Most women put their foot down. If they're not happy, they kick him to the curb. It must not be as bad as you say, or you'd be gone by now.
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A
female
reader, babyzbird  +, writes (27 August 2013):
 It's definitely not normal the amount of attention he is giving her.
I would talk to him about it and tell him to tone it down as it makes you feel uncomfortable.
If he refuses then you might just be better off ending things with him.
Good Luck!
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