A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This question is really weighing me down. This Christmas, my boyfriend of about a years mother bought him a sports illustrated swimsuit calendar. Now, before you roll your eyes and dub me insecure, know that my irritation and issue with this has nothing to do with me comparing myself to these women or feeling jealous of them in an way. To me, it is the principal of the gift. He hung it next to his bed, per his mothers request (he lives at home still even though he can afford not to)Now this means, when I stay over, I have to wake up to that in the morning. I would not want something like that in a shared living space and I have shared my opinion on this to him. I have photos of him next to my bed, he has photos of women in bikinis. We watch porn together, when I want to be subjected to that kind of thing ok, but I don't want to be exposed to it on a regular basis. To me it is deep rooted in me that it is disrespectful as that is how I was raised. I have voiced all of this, and we have concluded that he understands. His mother noticed there was an "issue" and brought it up with him. She loves me, but said things to him like "I'm just worried because I'm not stick thin" or "I'm just a typical girl being jealous" but that is not the case at all. I really would like the calendar to not be there for my own repects in th relationship. I told him this but he is for some reason siding with his mother. I believe just the idea of her giving him this calendar to be strange and uncomfortable for my values, and this is just an additional blow and red flag. My question is, do you guys believe I am valid in seeing this As a red flag, and am I valid in my feelings of disrespect as a woman a and his significant other in this case? Should I expect him to change this for me (take down the calendar) or is that unreasonable? I just can't take how weird and disgusted this is making me feel, and how it seems to hold so much weight (I.e. His relationship with his mother that I'm starting to see is actually making me think of whether or not this relationship is ok for me or not)Help :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2014):
I would not waste my energy explaining your feelings to either, mummy is playing games. I would simply arrange for a photography session in the most goergous burlesque underwear (feathers and fans) and have YOUR OWN calendar made (give it as a gift to his mum and dad for their kitchen wall...wonder if mummy would want papa seeing it every day all year)and while your at it give a few out to his friends (whats good for the!!!!). Apperently it's harmless, so they say.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2014): I'm curious- without having to analyse his rather odd still living at home and answerable (sexually?!) to his mother issues, and without having to justify your own values (which are perfectly valid and which you should not have to apologise for!)... What if you tell him plain and simple 'I'm not sleeping in a bed next to that calendar, so remove it if you want me in your bed.'It puts the compromise in his hands not yours’. IF he removes it, all sorted.IF he doesn't remove it you've learnt enough to know that you're better off moving on from him. It might sound harsh- but it's actually very simple logic- don't compromise on your core values for anyone.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (1 January 2014):
 P.P.S. If I had a Sports Illustrated "swim suit" calendar posted in my bedroom.... I don't believe that I'd get a wink of sleep!!!!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (1 January 2014):
I agree with the several others who discuss the "goofiness" of this entire arrangement..... AND, I think that your reaction to what he and his Mum are up to as, perhaps, a bit intense.... HOWEVER.....
.... considering that you are this guy's G/F.... AND, considering that you spend nights with him - in his room/ and bed - THEN I would suggest to him that he accomodate your sensitivities, and remove the calendar from it's hanging place during those times when you are visiting.
Would that address your concerns?
Good luck....
P.S. If you were to spend nights with me... and objected to something that I had hanging on my bedroom wall(s)... I'd remove anything/everything EXCEPT my Princess Leia "Star Wars" movie poster....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (1 January 2014):
I find it a little icky that the MOM gives him such a calender (even if it's kinda tame) and TELLS him to hang it by his bed. That is kind of... tacky.
But it is HER house and HIS room, so just because you stay over now and then, doesn't make it YOUR shared living space, so if he wants it up (even just to appease his mom's sense of humor)
I don't think it's a sinister move on her part if that is all she has done.
BUT there are the kind of guy who puts their mom first ALWAYS. If he is one of those, well I don't' think anything will change that. So it'd be up to you if you want to date him or not. But I do think it's kind petty to be this upset over a calender.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 January 2014):
 Sorry SVC! I didn't see your last sentence - you did touch on it!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2014): I would be more concerned that my 22-25 year old boyfriend would even WANT to have a calendar like that. (little juvenile, don't you think?)
Honestly, he sounds a little like a mummas boy.
It's fair enough to respect her, but this sounds a little strange.
And to the aunts/uncles pointing out that the OP will watch porn with said boyfriend, and yet objects to this calendar... porn is forgotten within minutes after it's use.
I wouldn't feel comfortable with my partner, let alone myself waking up next to airbrushed photographs of half naked women, which once again I must say should be reserved for teenage boys who do not know better.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 January 2014):
Personally, if it *were* about the calendar, and he bought it himself or his mom wasn't making the snide comments and telling him where to hang it knowing you didn't like it, I'd tell you to dismiss it as one of the tacky knickknack things a guy buys that ranks up there with a neon beer sign or the easy chair with all of the stains on it or the neon yellow t-shirt that makes him look like a walking highlighter pen.
But it's creepy how the mom inserts herself like this into your relationship. Seriously! If this were just a guy hanging it to assert himself as the guy who ISN'T whipped and led around by a woman, then displaying Mommy's gift and putting it where SHE wants him to is not the message that says "I am my own man". It says "Mom and I need to get a room".
There's something else I want to point out that stood out for me the second time I read it through:
You said this - "To me it is deep rooted in me that it is disrespectful as that is how I was raised."
This could also be an incompatibility issue. When you get into a relationship, it's based on respect for values and upbringing. He doesn't have to do what you do, but for his mom and him to belittle your upbringing calls compatibility into play. Add to that the fact that you give mixed messages by objecting to the calendar yet watching porn with him and sleeping over on a regular basis. I'm not judging you! It's that they're not respecting you based on the fact that you don't respect your own values enough.
You should fix that, end the dead-end relationship, and with your next boyfriend, you need to stand up for your values and find someone who respects them with a mom that respects them as well.
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A
female
reader, desiree075  +, writes (1 January 2014):
Sorry, I just realized a typo in my comment. I meant to say, " I bought my boyfriend a BOOK of nude paintings..." not " a 'picture' of..."
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (1 January 2014):
 I agree with YouWish as well. For his mum to buy him this kind of calendar is weird and that she tells him where to hang it even weirder. And that she would encourage him to put it back when he moved it is weirder still.
Whether these women are celebrities he'll never meet and can only dream of or women he knows in real life, he's ogling them in front of you while expecting you to be exclusive to him.
Yeah, I say turf him. He's not a quality guy and apparently the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2014): I agree completely with YouWish about the mother's behaviour . I agree the comments the mother made were way out of line and kind of immature actually.
Depending on the type of relationship him and his mother have, could she have bought the calendar for him as sort of a joke?
I think the main problem is the comments the mother made to you. You say she loves you so I'm guessing if you guys get along well, why would she make those comments about you being jealous and about your weight?
What is your relationship like with his mother? Has she done something like this before?
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A
female
reader, desiree075 +, writes (1 January 2014):
"YouWish" is the only person who got this right over here. I needn't repeat everything that she said. I have no problem believing that a mother would be possessive of her son. And for all you who gasped, "oh you watch PORN together but a swimsuit bothers you?" Exactly. They watch porn TOGETHER, the calendar is all his own. Actually, a SI calendar would bother me not because of the sexy nakedness but simply because those calendars are f**king stupid, and it would embarrass me to have such a classless, cheap boyfriend. And this isn't coming from an insecure place: I bought my boyfriend a picture of nude and sexual paintings. Ultimately, one thing I do agree with is that while you can tell him how you feel, you cannot decide how he stupidly decorates his room. Whether he decides to respect you or not is his choice. Also, he could live on his own, but he won't? Sounds like someone is too much of a baby to leave their comfort zone. Perhaps it is better this way, because if he WERE to live away from home, guess who'd be cleaning up after him instead of his mom?I'm not telling you to leave him, just that it's not difficult to meet more mature and considerate men...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2014): YouWish is right, and I'm shocked that no-one else sees things this way. The situation that you describe is deeply, deeply messed up. Any mother who so easily crosses boundaries in this way, into her son's sex life, has not psychologically separated from him and this will cause HUGE problems if you stay with him. The two of them sound enmeshed, he has not separated from her and will not step into the role of partner with you. As it is, he is like a little boy being given sex-candy by his Mother, who is also undermining you and your values to try to make you into another form of sex-candy for him but also so that you cannot be seen as a full and rounded person in your own right - if you were ever to be seen and valued as the latter, this would threaten her own position of dominance over her son. The situation is totally messed up and I'd urge you to get out now. Don't even try to argue or explain, you're wasting your breath, they'll never understand because they don't want to - they're far too deeply bonded and you'll only lose your self esteem if you try to break that bond and make him yours...it'll never happen, he will never be able to want a real, warts and all woman, because his mother won't allow it. If you try to explain what I've just said, they'll accuse you of being nuts. Been there, done that, worn the T-shirt. Leave.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (1 January 2014):
 Okayyyy
probably not a calendar I would buy for my kids, but then an elderly Aunt did buy me one of those with the firefighters posing with hoses in strategic places and chests all rippled and bare .....
Different people have different views on calendars, bare skin and suggestive poses. I doubt your boyfriend's mum even considered you as part of the equation when she bought it for him ......
And it is her house, her son, her Christmas gift and her idea of what is culturally acceptable, after all she is also a woman who seems to accept her son watching porn in her home and also having a girl over for sex.
I think you are blowing this way out of proportion, but the solution is simple, don't sleep at his mother's house, have him sleep and have sex at yours, where he will wake up to whatever you chose to hang on the walls.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 January 2014):
The Sports Illustrated calender is just a symptom, and you're right, there is a HUGE red flag going on here. His mom is acting like your rival with buying him this calendar, telling him to hang it next to his bed, and making catty remarks about your weight and so-called insecurity. It's also a huge red flag that your boyfriend is siding with your mom against you.
You're not silly at ALL! SHE bought the calendar. SHE is making the comments. SHE is setting herself up against you in a passive aggressive way. HE could live on his own, but he chooses to live off of his mom. You're 22-25, is he the same age?? Why aren't people SEEING this?!?
This is NOT about the calendar! This is about whether or not you're dating a man, or a momma's boy. This is about a mom who herself is unbelievably insecure that she has to chase away his girlfriend by being nasty to her through him.
My mom would never have bought her kids an SI calendar, and the thought of telling them to hang it by their bed?? Right. It's not for organization. We have smart phones and laptops and tablet computers with calendars on them with built-in organizers and day planners for that.
OP, the only thing I'd say to you is - if watching porn with him makes you feel like you're being "subjected", then DON'T watch it with him. Find someone a lot more mature and a lot more compatible who doesn't have a mom who treats her son like Norman Bates. That sets my teeth on edge, and I feel for you.
Seriously, I'd leave him. He's living the life of the unambitious in his mid-20's and needing mommy to fill his lust-bucket when the porn doesn't do it. Yeesh.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (31 December 2013):
 I find the whole situation petty. Its a calendar! You can watch PORN WITH HIM (naked women and naked men) but can't stand him having a (swimsuit) calendar in his room?!? Whaaaat?
These are just one of those things you don't dwell on 'cause there's more important things in life to focus on. Your values are against a swimsuit calendar but you watch porn . . . I don't get that but hey that's just my opinion . . . Simply an opinion
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2013): I think this is quite petty, to say the least. It was a gift from his mother. Possibly a gag to get your goat.
Seems quite effective.
Sports Illustrated is quite tamed, and nowhere near pornographic material. If you can buy it in your country, it isn't contraband. He put it up in his room next to his bed. That is his assigned quarters. I don't think he needed to consult with you where to place a saucy little calendar.
His mother only chimed in; because you were being silly, and it's her house. If anyone, she has the first and last word of what goes where; and what is inappropriate.
Naturally she will side with her son,and her assessment of your behavior was pretty benign, not critical. She has been facetious about it all. I also agree with her about you.
I think the fact he still lives with his mom, if he doesn't have to, might have been a deal-breaker for some ladies. Not the calendar, and the fact he and his mother are close.
It may be for his mother's financial benefit he helps out.
I don't like the mean-spirited implications you make; because you're irritated.
Girlfriends competing with a guy's mother is a deal-breaker
for a lot of guys. If she doesn't welcome you, she can make life pretty rough as a mother-in-law. That is, if it ever happens. You're vaguely implying that he has an unhealthy relationship with his mother.
That's sort of a low blow isn't it?
It's a bit of juvenile fun, and you're making a big deal out of it.
Chill out, lady!
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A +, writes (31 December 2013):
 I’d have thought a CAR/SPORTS calendar would have been more appropriate to give to a son… I agree it’s not about being stick thin or insecure, it’s about you having values.
But before you off completely and start demanding a revolution, he’s naturally going to side with Mommy at his age because he knows no better. This where you both get to learn and teach each other what’s appropriate and what’s not; (right or wrongly), be it a swimsuit calendar facing you on a regular basis or other more serious issues.
Here I’d like to suggest you making a couple of lovely photos of yourself and suggest placing them over these skinny stick insect images. Meanwhile he keeps a Calender of some sort to organise his days and you don’t get offended each time you see it.
Alternatively there’s always a Calender depicting FIREMEN and there LONG HOSES that could put him to shame if you place one next to your bed???
Take Care & Happy 2014 – CAA
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (31 December 2013):
 You say that that is not how you would decorate your living space. Thing is, this isn't your living space. It's his and his his mothers.
To an extent, I can understand where your dislike comes from my gf (I'm gay) had a pic up of a half naked guy from a magazine in her bedroom because her mom, who is in serious denial of her sexuality, had her put it up. She did it to humor her mom lol.
I didn't like waking up every morning to a half naked man on my gf's wall. But it's not like it was the end of the world. I knew she wasn't going anywhere. I knew she loved me and that she was just appeasing her mom.
It sounds like this is what your boyfriend is doing. just trying to appease his mom (it is weird she bought him this calendar, though. Kinda creepy). In the big scheme of things, this really doesn't seem worth all the hassle. I would try to let it go. It's just a calendar.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2013): Wow a swimsuit calendar sounds like a breeze to me. You're bothered about that yet you watch porn with your boyfriend? Porn is a 100 times worse!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2013): I know I'll get a lot of hate for this, but I agree with you and I think it's annoying. I would be extremely irked at the idea and it's kind of baffling as to why his mother, of all people, would give him that kind of present. It's almost like she wants to provoke you and wants to see your reaction. Maybe it's a sick test she came up with to test your jealousy and knock you down a peg? I'm probably exaggerating but I feel like you should look past it and, instead of pointing it out and showing you're insecure about it, you should not let it bother you. It's the same as watching a movie with an attractive actress, do you get uncomfortable about that too? I have to say, it's rather distasteful for her to tell him to hang it up next to his bed. My boyfriend's mother is similar in that she loves to take my boyfriend to really risque places like burlesque shows for her birthday parties and would hire strippers in the presence of my boyfriend for her husband (my bf's dad) on his birthday. How bad is that!??! I completely understand where you're coming from but you and I are different people from your boyfriend and his mom, maybe they have different morals/views on things like that. I think it is slightly disrespectful but I also think you shouldn't make a big deal about it as there is nothing you can really do and mentioning it will make you appear even more insecure (even though you and I know you're not). Instead, why not hang a poster of a hot guy in your room?? And always remember that those pictures show women that he will never get his hands on, no matter how much he dreams. Also think of all the makeup and photoshop that goes into making them look like that. YOU can look like that too. You don't sound insecure to me, just bothered by this thoughtless behavior which, frankly, I would be bothered by as well. No point in speaking to his mother about it. You can give him another gentle nudge but if he sides with mom again, don't make a big fuss anymore, you're just draining your energy.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (31 December 2013):
 I think his mother brought him a calendar for his bedroom so that he can organize his daily schedule. She chose sports illustrated because a lot of young men have them and appreciate them. She did not buy it to alienate you, and did not expect your aversion to it. When you consider other covers for calendars, like animals, scenery, jokes, etc. Beautiful women would be the most suitable choice for a young man.
He would not take it down because it is a Christmas present and the house belongs to his parents. It has to be his choice to take it down. The mother is not going to tell him to do it just because you disapprove.
You are valid in your feelings of being disrespected, but so is his wish to keep that calendar there. If you and him own a house together maybe you have more say, and only put your wedding pictures in your bedroom.
I do not feel there is a weird mother son relationship, nor that your family is too conservative. What I am concerned is the clash of culture and incompatibility. I personally do not feel pictures of sexy women on a wall is disrespectful to women. If it's a red flag for you then it's a red flag for you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 December 2013):
 It's HIS ROOM in his MOTHER'S HOME.
I think you are being unreasonable.
It's a SWIMSUIT calendar for god's sake.
It's NOT your room. It's HIS room. You have the right to refuse to stay in his room while the calendar is up but NOT to ask him to take it down.
if you were living together and he had it in his office then I would say the same thing... It's HIS ROOM.
it's not nudes.. it's not distasteful.
I do think that his relationship with his mother (as you suspect) may be the bigger issue.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (31 December 2013):
If you can not handle a small thing like this, how are you going to handle the bigger problems that will come up in your relationship??
2nd...If his mother have that much control on his actions now...See where this is going???
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