A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my live in boyfriend for 4 years. He is 12 years older than me. I don't expect marriage (even though I want to be), but that is another topic. He's always been on the insecure side. I don't have a facebook anymore because young guys who I worked with were added as my friend.I have a co-worker that I am good work friends with. We don't talk outside of work. We started at the same time and are the only one's left from our original group. We take smoke breaks together. Nothing was ever said between the two of us that was inappropriate. He's been married for 16 years and loves his wife dearly. We don't talk about the bad things that may go on in our relationship, we just get through our work day. We both work very hard at our jobs and are good at it.We have a running joke. He would get backrubs from one of the agents here. That was stricktly platonic.She no longer comes into the office so he would shoot me a message saying it was neck rub time. I laughed it off and changed the subject.I work in a very casual environment.My boyfriend went through my work emails and found this message and went ballistic. He said, that's how you talk with your coworker? I have never cheated on him, never thought to and have never placed myself in a situation where it may happen. My coworker has never hit on me, and where I work no one has. He says that I flirt with every man I see and that's not a quality he would want in a wife. He's had other relationships where the woman cheated on him.I am very open with him. He has the passwords to my laptop, my email accounts and my cellphone.I feel so horrible as a person...Please help!!
View related questions:
co-worker, facebook, flirt, insecure Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (17 September 2011):
So aside from trying to control every little detail in your life, including deciding whom you socialize with, he also insults you on a daily basis with a bunch of untrue claims!
These things he said to you just make my blood boil. You have shown nothing but loyalty and dedication and you even sacrificed your privacy for this relationship! What does he do in return: he completely poisons it with his narcissistic behavior.
Trust me, this will not get better. It will only get worse. And then at one point your self esteem will be so damaged you're afraid to leave. That's how abusive husbands/boyfriends keep their wives/gf's in line. They break down their walls and their self worth until the're like caged birds with clipped wings.
You might think that only happens to naive/gullible women, but intelligent women have fallen into this pit many times as well. You already said he's forced you to change so much you wonder where the real you is. That's a sign of conditioning and it's bad. This guy is basically prepping you to be his personal punching bag he can lash out on whenever he feels frustrated. It's only verbal now, but the insults will get worse and physical violence is likely to follow.
The only way for this to get better is for you to get out NOW.
Seriously, next time he says something cruel again, tell him:
"Well you know what? I just realized I deserve a lot better than putting up with baseless insults from a guy who is so afraid of competition from other men he'd rather drive his girlfriend away. Well, guess what? You win. Are you happy now? I'm gone. Just like your ex girlfriends. The difference being that unlike them, I never cheated and never would. So congratulations to you. The fault is entirely your own this time." And then LEAVE and never come back.
You deserve a man who loves you and appreciates you. You also owe it to yourself to get out of this unhealthy situation before it causes serious psychological damage.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2011): I'm the OP. I think you guys hit the nail on the head. When he came home from work he began to berate me saying that I'm just a "sex-object" to ALL of the men I come into contact with. He stated that EVERYONE at my job sees me as a loose floozie. I couldn't beleive it. I work hard at my job. I recently got a huge promotion at work and he stated that that is how I got my job and that is how I'm keeping it. He told me my actions "disgust" him. He doesn't want me to have ANY type of opposite sex relationship outside of family. Not even say "hi" or smile in acknowledgement to anything that is said to me by a male. Oh and he threw the "And you say you want to be married..." wow....I even felt so bad that I asked a coworker is there anything that I've done to come off as loose or flirty, they answer was "What the hell?!" Thank you for all of your insight. I've changed so much of who I am as a person for him that I don't even know who I am anymore. I have let him control every aspect of my life. This is absurd and tiring.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2011): Your bf is controlling you. You have no privacy - you had to give up your facebook, he goes through your emails, and has all your passwords (but do you have his too? do you go through his emails too? Did he give up his facebook too?). And he's stringing you along about marriage. And he goes ballistic rather than believing you and giving you the benefit of the doubt. I'm sorry but this guy doesn't sound like someone who would make a good long term partner, even without marriage. He's just way too controlling and the whole relationship revolves around him and his baggage.
...............................
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (13 September 2011):
Stand up for yourself. Your boyfriend's insecurity is the issue here, not you. Tell him. "I am a very open and honest person. I've shared every personal detail and password with you. Yet you accuse me of getting together with a coworker who is happily married over one comment. If I would really be cheating on you, do you really think I would give you access to laptop, my phone and my e-mail? I've done nothing wrong and yet you seem to think so lowly of me.
Just because your exes weren't trustworthy doesn't mean that I'm not. You trusted them and got hurt. I understand how that would make you wary, but your insecurity is poisoning this relationship. When you trip and fall down after taking a stroll, does that mean walking is a dangerous thing to do? No, it isn't and it would be ridiculous to suggest so, yet you have the same mindset when it comes to relationships. Either trust me or don't. You have to make a decision because I'm tired of being put down when all I've been is loyal."
Or something like that. If you want, you can even throw his own words back into his face: "Paranoia is not a quality I would want in a husband."
Whatever you do, do NOT accept this behavior. From my POV, you're doing everything he asks and he is only giving you a hard time in return, not to mention the marriage issue. He's a person with a lot of baggage and a lot of women would turn him down for that, yet you haven't. He might think he's a great catch and should be able to call the shots because of that, but nothing is farther from the truth. He's difficult, unreasonable and you shouldn't put up with it if it isn't going to lead anywhere you want. Make him aware and stand up for yourself!
...............................
A
female
reader, cmarieky +, writes (13 September 2011):
You cannot prove innocence but you can be proven guilty. So there's really nothing u can do to convince him youre not cheating. I would just tell him to relax and he's putting undue stress on u. Let him know that his insecurity causes problems. Jealousy can be wonderful but if a person cannot control it and its for no reason then that causes problems. Either he really is insecure and jealous bc of his past or it could be he's cheating on u. And when cheaters cheat they suspect everyone does it and is doing it. So its no surprise that if he's the one cheating he would redirect it to u and accuse u. Discuss your concerns with him. And if it becomes unbearable, well you two will have to make a decision. Best wishes
...............................
|
