A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey. So after a really, really bad "episode," my boyfriend was recently diagnosed with depression. He and his parents and his doctor decided the best way to handle it is through psychotherapy only without the use of antidepressants.Most of time he is okay but sometimes he kind of falls back into that dark place and it's scary to see him like that. When it does happen he sort of pushes me away. I know he doesn't mean it and that he's fighting demons that a greater than our relationship, but it really messes with me too. But the real problem is that I feel like I'm walking on egg shells around him. Even when everything is normal, I try so hard to not say or do anything that might strss him out upset him because I hate seeing him at his low points. I feel like this is negatively affecting our relationship. I just don't know how I'm supposed to deal with everything.Have any of you been in a situation like this? Advice please? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2011): My ex suffered from depression, and that caused great tension when I was around her, because she'd snap at the smallest of things. I was so afraid of doing something wrong, or saying something normal, that she'd find something wrong with. Doll, I feel sorry for your Boyfriend. He needs his family's support now and I think it would be best you talk to someone as well, because as much you want to be there for him, he needs to focus on himself right now, and fix his issues. I'm surprised he's not on antidepressants but glad to hear he's in therapy and taking steps and addressing the issue. That is a HUGE step to take for recovery. He'll do it! :).. and when he finishes and is ready for a healthy relationship hopefully things will work out. Good luck. Hugs.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 May 2011):
 Sweetheart, you are 16 or 17? Your boyfriend is having a difficult time and you know he is under a doctor's care and his family is aware of this, which is good.
I think your job is to let his healing process take place and honestly, it's a bit much for anyone to expect a teenage girl, no matter how caring she is, to cope with this. You aren't his wife and you aren't old enough to be responsible for him.
I honestly think the best thing you can do is to give him time and space to become better. I think taking a break from the relationship is probably a good idea for now, it sounds as though you aren't really feeling safe in the relationship.
It's not your job to be his care-taker or nurse, if you were married to him and older, we'd be having a different discussion, but you are a teenager coping with having a boyfriend who has some mental health issues.
I think you should talk to someone about how deeply this is affecting you, like your parents, and find a way to take a break from the relationship.
Honestly, he's not really able to be a boyfriend because of the things he is going through and I think it's unreasonable to expect that you tolerate all the stuff that is being thrown at you.
Please find a way to express the hurt and upset this is causing you, I hope you can talk to your parents, but do let someone know the feelings you are experiencing, okay?
Take care of yourself. He's being taken care of, so try not to take on his problems, they are his, not yours.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (7 May 2011):
I've been in your situation so I know what you mean and how hard it is. It seems that no matter what you say or don't say, whatever you do or dont' do, it will 'set him off' or make him plunge into another episode. some times you really are in a double bind. and this can really mess with your mind too.
try to keep in mind that he is the one with depression and that it's good that he's getting treated for it. Getting treatment is in itself a huge step forward, because many many people (especially guys) refuse to even consider that they have depression let alone seek and follow treatment.
Remember that his problems are his to work through, and he's getting professional guidance for it so it's the job of his therapist to help him heal, it's not your responsibility to monitor or set his moods.
While being patient and understanding and accommodating is a must, at the same time there are limits for when it's no longer healthy for YOU and thus for the relationship either. You should not contort yourself all the time to avoid upsetting him, because there will never be enough that you can do if he's still very emotionally unhealthy.
Yes you should be patient and compassionate and understanding. But you shouldn't coddle him either and be trying to protect him from his own feelings. If you're constantly walking on eggshells and afraid to say or do anything, and as a result of your contortions he avoids going into another episode, well what has that really accomplished? It means that you have to keep walking on eggshells even more, because he has been deprived of an opportunity to put his counseling/therapy into practice in dealing with his depression, because you are doing it for him.
I know it's hard to wrap your mind around this concept, and this is NOT to say that you shouldn't be sensitive and understanding of him. if anything, I don't think you are lacking in the patience and compassion department at all. I'm just saying that you also need to maintain some degree of normalcy for yourself and your own mental health and not be setting up an artificial environment to continually protect him from his demons, because then he won't be having as much opportunity to grow and he may remain stuck longer.
there's nothing wrong with cutting back the amount of time you spend together so that he can work through his issues without the added complication of "having" to deal with a relationship. Every person deals with depression differently, so for some people, being in a relationship can be a burden when they are still battling through depression. it's also not good if you start to become emotionally unhealthy too, because then not just one partner in the relationship but both, are now unbalanced.
If every interaction is walking on eggshells because he really cannot keep from going downhill no matter what you say or do, or don't say or dont' do, then he could need more space for now. Or it may mean that he could really benefit from anti-depressant medication in conjunction with the therapy (or maybe he needs a more experienced or competent therapist), if it would allow him to be more socially functional sooner. And if having more space gives you some relief, then that will be better for you too, until he's better.
You could also speak with his therapist (maybe accompany him to one of his sessions) to ask what your role should be in your boyfriend's recovery.
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reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (7 May 2011):
Hi there. If your boyfriend won't talk about his demons, I am wondering if there is something going on in his life he feels he can't talk about to anyone.
For instance, could it be that he is being sexually abused - or been sexually abused as a child?
Or, is there anything worrying him - money worries, for instance.
If not that, has something happened lately in his life - such as the death of someone close - a close family member or a dear friend?
Sometimes with men when they are grieving, they don't know how to express these things with those closest to them, and so keep it all bottled up inside. It can cause depression.
If it's not grief or sexual abuse, it could be clinical depression.
If it's clinical depression - a chemical imbalance in the brain - it probably will eventually need medication, which needs to be very closely monitored, and must be taken for the rest of his life - under very close supervision, of course.
It will entail visits to his psychiatrist on a regular basis to see that the medication is working effectively, and modified or changed completely if not working well.
Clinical depression, which is something a person is usually born with a predisposition to, often comes out in adolescence - which is the age your boyfriend is at now.
Once a good pattern starts and continues with the appropriate meds, clinical depression can be controlled very well throughout a person's life, and with very few negative episodes.
The secret is in getting that balance just right. So you can see why it requires absolute regular monitoring throughout life. It is a chronic condition, it can't be cured - it can only be controlled and managed.
Clinical depression is not something that you just take a pill and never go to see the psychiatrist ever again. No, it doesn't work like that. It's a chronic condition, that MUST be monitored for life. It doesn't go away - like a cold or virus.
Medications can work for a while, then they stop working so well, because the body starts rejecting them slightly, which is the reason for constant monitoring. It's really important.
So with the psychotherapy alone, it could help slightly, but only if it doesn't prove to be clinical depression.
Clinical depression can be properly diagnosed by blood tests.
Either way, the psychotherapy might or might not work, but until it happens, they won't know for sure. If it doesn't help at all, it might well be clinical depression.
In any case, it must be diagnosed as soon as possible, because it's affecting his life now and making things very uncomfortable for all of you.
So for now, be patient with him and try to stay out of his way as much as possible, and see how things pan out with the psychotherapy. Then go from there.
But don't worry, it will all work out well over time, you'll see. So have faith.
Good luck and best wishes. Take care.
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reader, Tuatara  +, writes (7 May 2011):
 Hi honey, Im not surprised you don't know how to handle things, you very young and this is a major challenge for anyone to experiance and handle. For what it's worth, I think you already are handling things thoughtfully and well. Are you part of his support team? Are his family including you in the process? The reason I ask is that it is not fair to expect you to know how to handle the relationship and be supportive in a positive way. Walking on egg shells and not wanting to rock the boat is hard work.Maybe you could explain to the family how your feeling. Explain how you are finding it a bit like walking on egg shells. It would be natural for you to worry and fear that you may trigger problems for him, and you don't have the skills or tools to manage this. They need to guide you.Mental illness or depression etc is incredibly sad and challenging and your boyfriend has been dealt a difficult blow. The thing is, you also need to look after yourself and not find yourself overwhelmed with the situation your now in. A support group, talking and getting help from others is maybe a must. As I say, your very young and it would be remarkable if you can go through this without being out of your depth.Talk to those close to him. Talk to your own family and ask for help. If he is suffering serious depression, you can't lay your concerns about this on him really. You need to be the grown up and tell those close to him your not coping.I think your remarkable really to not want to run away, which also would be a natural reaction. Hopefully the current state of mind of your partner will pass and become managable. All the best and I wish you lots of support.xx
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reader, darkwind94 +, writes (7 May 2011):
 Some people that are depressed find it hard to socially with anyone at all. He is pushing you away because he doesn't want to say/do something that will hurt your feelings. What he needs to do is to stay positive, and go to therapy at least once a week (with you, if possible to strengthen your relationship). What you need to do is make him feel happy each and everyday, give him a good reason to have hope, and make sure he doesn't have time to be down in the dumps. Be careful that you don't say anything that might weigh him down. Make sure you are on the same page as him, and you know what makes him depressed. He's probably suffering from some anxiety, sadness, insomnia, and anger. You should support him as his girlfriend. And make sure they don't put him on very strong medications, it can make him act like a zombie (no offense to zombies). Give him a hug or ask him to go to the movies; he'll feel a bit better. And don't give up on your relationship; it may seem bad now, but in the long run, he'll be thanking you for your effort to help him. And has something like this happened to me? No, but I share the same diagnosis.Good Luck!!
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