A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone. Some background info for my question: I'm 22, my boyfriend is 32. We've been living together about 2 years. We have had some problems in the past due to his emotional unstability. He has been jealous and paranoid, he has been emotionally abusive. He still is slightly controlling however has learnt I can hold my own, I'm not his pet. We have been ok recently. The last argument we had was about two weeks ago over him not trusting me.So I'm halfway through university. Doing really well. Iv got two years left. This morning my boyfriend drops the bomb that he wants kids, I guess he is of that age now. We had a discussion and he's obviously thought it all out. By the time were ready to try and iv gotten pregnant etc etc I'll have finished university by the time it was born. Hes basically said thats what I want, and I can't wait for you to finish uni to decided because by that time I'll be nearly 37 and it will be too late for me to settle down and find someone else to have kids with. Our relationship is not too bad at the moment. I do love him but I am worried about bringing kids up with him as he has been emotionally abusive in the past. He's the kind of person who wouldn't let me leave with his kids. He's given me a weeks space to think about it but id just like some opinions. Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2011): Also missy be ready for him pleading for you not to leave. He might even go to the extreme! My ex cut his wrist!!! And expected me to stay with him. So imagine if I did stayed with him that night. It would of been me and my unborn child at the time dead!!!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2011): Hi, I was browsing the web and I came across your posting. Sweety I think your going to be happy with my response because I was in your position. I'm 22 and yes my ex is 32. And we have a 3 month year old baby now!. I recently left him because he was possessive, controlling and physically and emotionally abusive while i was pregnant. We were together for about 1 year and half. He was jealous and paranoid too!! He was checking my phone every week. He even check my email, drove to my job to check up on me and etc. Before I met him I was a biology student about to finish in two years just like you. Then I met him and I felt he was the guy of my dreams. It was going great in the beginning. Then he just change on me with the blink of an eye. Especially when I got pregnant. He had emotional issues too. I stop talking to my old friends and family ( because they were upset I got pregnant) . What was worse was I put up with him hitting me while pregnant. i had a busted lip, blood clots in my eyes and was slapped every time he got mad. I stayed with him because I loved him and was really trying to have that fairy tale. That fairy tale made me depressed and lonely inside. If it wasn't for my friends and family rescuing me. I would be with him and having my 3 month year old daughter witnessing him being mean to me. Please in the words of my mother " Take your life back"!!! Dont put up with him. Also if your not ready, try talking to a family or counselor because you never know if something happen your going to need an alibi. Please leave get out. Your worth something in life. My mom didn't send me to college to get pregnant, take some guy with emotional issues, and to get beat up. I don't know you but I hope you listen to me.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (2 July 2011):
 you are not with the right man. i suspect you have known this and tried to leave before now but he does not let you go or grinds you down so you feel you deserve no better. the fact that you have invested 2 years, that does not mean you have to carry on with this for the rest of your life. i suppose this is when a 10 year age gap proves to be a bad thing - you have got your life ahead of you, he is emotionally blackmailing you because he is older and feels his life is passing him by. he is using scare tactics, that is not how someone who genuinely loves you would behave. he tells you he is worried that he will be 37 by the time you complete your studies - so what? what is not old really and he tells you that he will be too old to find someone else to have babies with - is this all he is interested in? someone to breed with? its not true anyway, he will be able to find someone to have kids with if things don't work out with you.
sorry but he sounds like he wants to control you and when he gets you pregnant, controlling you will become easier. recognise this a red flag
x
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A
female
reader, unmeidaagonyaunt  +, writes (2 July 2011):
 GET OUT NOW.This guy is trying to control your life. He will knock you up and leave you holding the baby. And if you want to know how I know, I can reference at least 20 women that I know personally who were in the exact same position.Another poster said it best: if you have to choose between college and a man, choose COLLEGE. It won't let you down, it increases your marketability, and it's nowhere near the hassle of the other option! Cheers, and good luck!
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A
female
reader, sibuna  +, writes (30 June 2011):
Having kids is not a game,It's a risk a big responsebility. You just can't breed like some Animals. You have to think about Future near and also far. I find him selfish! I feel like,He wants to keep you for him self only and he sees having kids as an Answer for this,so that you won't be able toleave him ever.you your aelf says "He's the kind of person who wouldn't let me leave with his kids". When it's allready unstable,how good will it work? and even if you leaves,what will happen to your poor kids? Loosing Parents,Parents fighting,emotionally unstable Father,etc.etc.etc. you'll be precenting, mentally ill unhappy unlucky kids. Parents should allwaays think. and any way,I think,you should love a person who loves you. A person who really loves you won't pressure you,would Honour your will.Would say,I want to see you graduated,successfull. won't suspect. Think verry verry well and hardly,take a days break at least to think about this. Don't take this risk,if you are not sure.It's about more than one life.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 June 2011):
 Will he be a good father? Don't make the mistake of thinking he will change, or that he will treat the children any different from you. He won't. If he's emotionally abusive towards you he will towards the children as well. And unlike you, who can leave him, the children can never leave. And child protection services have a hard time proving emotional abuse. In fact it's close to impossible to prove that, and the children might end up with depression or personality disorders.
You're taking a high risk with this man as it is. He's old enough to not be able to excuse his behaviour on being immature and not knowing better. He also is all about "me me me", HE want's kids, it's not a question of you wanting them or not. He wants them, he wants your uterus, and if you wont provide he'll go elsewhere to find it.
This doesn't sound good at all. If he's not willing to wait, and show you that he can be a good family man, I don't think you should give in to his pressure. You'll have to deal with him at a different level if you start a family with him, and problems will be waiting in line. Can he keep up his "changed way" or will he crack under pressure? Estimate the risks, not only for your sake, but for the sake of your future children. Is this the man that you want as the father of your children? You should be very certain about that before you take the leap. So I ask again: will he be a good father?
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (30 June 2011):
 How GENEROUS of him to give you a week to choose a life changing, PERMENANT decision! He gave you the ultimatum to obey his plans!
That is a choice that should be made and agreed on by TWO loving adults. Your bf has not grown up yet and he thinks he should be a parent now without considering your feelings or goals? Gee, did he want to just borrow your uterous so he can feel better about his life?
You are more than that and deserve better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2011): You say that he is controlling, jealous and emotionally abusive. Dont you think that he wants a child with you so as to "trap" you or lock you down to him forever? To me his desire to have a child with you is a way to control you even more. Especially given the fact that he did not come to you with the purpose of speaking honestly as a couple and making the adequate comprises so that both parties are happy? Women are emotional creatures and we want to create a family with the men whom we create children with, sometimes regardless of how messed up they are? What kind of life do you think you will have if you bring an innocent child into this volatile equation? You may be able to hold your own but what about your child who is vulnerable and defenseless? Will that child be able to hold their own against an emotionally abusive father? Believe me, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship (that eventually turned physically abusive) and he used to harp on and on about wanting a child simply as a means to hold onto to me and keep that control over me. Every day I thank God that I did not come out of that relationship with a child or else the process to get myself out would have been that much tougher. Just trust your intuition and your heart OP, it will never lead you astray.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (30 June 2011):
 Oh yes, I missed the part about college. My consistent advice to anyone who is not a trust-fund baby is to get the maximum possible education that you can afford (unless you propose to do it in one of those vague subjects that have zero relevance outside the classroom like "Churches in Canterbury" or "Wild Women of West Virginia")
If its a choice between a man and college, take college every time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2011): Sounds like he's still being controlling and abusive. Are you really that surprised? You may be addicted to the drama he provides..like negative relationship crack. He regains a sense of control when you react and the cycle continues.
I hope you don't drop out of school and that you remain on birth control. Many girls take the female escape route by having kids young due to fear of success.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2011): Do you really want to throw away all your hard work finishing uni only to go straight into motherhood and have wasted all those years of education? Because that's what he's asking you to do, he's asking you to throw away your career so that he can feel like a young father.Let him go, he is far too selfish to be in a relationship. It doesn't matter whether you can hold your own or not, you shouldn't have to! His ultimatum is obsurd. When you started uni did you intend to graduate pregnant? Or did you intend to graduate a single free young spirit with the world at her feet? I am a mum and I can tell you now, if you get pregnant now, kiss your career goodbye for the next 18 years! This has to be a purely selfish decision and I seriously think you should wait and find a man who will walk you down the isle and let you live your life before starting a family. Please think long and hard- even ask your parents advice, they will tell you.Good luck, I hope you make the right decision.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 June 2011):
 if you are not ready to have kids then don't have them.
if he's emotionally blackmailing you into having kids that's not a good thing.
personally as hard as it is... i think letting him go might be in your best interest
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 June 2011):
 Opinion? Avoid avoid avoid.
Emotionally abusive and controlling in the past. Two weeks without a row sound like some sort of accomplishment. Very self centered, only takes seriously his priorities and not enough yours, with a laughable reason too. For a man having kids at 35 or 37 makes no difference, there is no biological clock ticking. While for you, not finishing college, or having to finish it as pregnant and mom, as opposed to single girl....I don't even want to go there .
The cherry on top of the cake, he gives ultimatums. Don't you love ultimatums ? " My way, or the highway ": What a wonderful show of maturity and true love.
Do finish that college, with him or without him. First things first.
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (30 June 2011):
The decision to have children should always be a joint one and not one made under duress or under circumstances indicating coercion.
I do not have any authority to comment on your personal life, but the act of issuing on ultimatum on an issue is not only immature and unreasonable but would also be a deal-breaker in most cases. Please consider all your options before you agree to taking a step that has serious long term consequences for yourself and others.
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