A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 5 months suddenly says he needs to "reconnect" with his friends (aka drinking buddies) and plans to stay out every Friday night with them. He says I'm not invited "for now" - and besides I work at 7AM on Saturdays and he wants to stay out until 4 or 5am. Up until now, he hasn't been going out with them and was choosing to stay home with me or leave parties / bars with me at midnight. I've already expressed how I don't like it and think its juvenile - but he's defensive and won't budge. Clearly he's needing space - but to be honest - at our ages - it just doesn't feel right (not a man serious about a long term relationship - which is what I want ) Am I over- reacting?Should I make one more effort to explain why I think it's a bad idea that will drive us apart? Advice please.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 May 2013):
 Then it's different, it's not really a problem of he wanting space or you being a bit clingy, it's a problem of you dating an addict, or someone who seems heading in that direction .
You will have to decide on your own what your values and dealbreakers are , what you can accept and what you absolutely can't- without any help from him. People only change if THEY want, not just to please somebody or to get along with a partner ; and they want to change when THEY think they have a problem. As long as he thinks that he is perfectly fine, and you are just nagging or overthinking things, sincerely I do not see many possibilities of change.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've been reflecting upon this more and realize its not about him going out without me - it's about how MUCH he drinks when he does go out. I'm talking 10 drinks - hard liquor. To the point where he ends up crying about things from his childhood and relatives/friends that have passed away. When I'm not around he drinks even more and wanders off from his friends - I'm assuming bc he doesn't cry to them. Last week - he wandered off and left me - while we were at a concert in another city. I had to taxi it back to the hotel alone at 4AM. Where was he? He doesn't remember and later admitted he went to do cocaine (which he knows I don't approve of!)I suggested he needs therapy and maybe AA. He says he can stop at any time and that "I drink as often as he does". I am very heartbroken. I don't think this will change considering he's in his 40s already. :(
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (15 May 2013):
 You cant be seriously thinking about having children after 5 months together, you hardly know each other! Let him go out with his friends once a week, and if in a couple of years time when you do seriously start to think about children then you can discuss the amount he is going out.
But for now, relax, let him go out and see what happens. I totally agree that if he starts going out 3 or 4 times a week, then yes you have a problem. But once a week is fine and nothing to worry about for now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate all of your responses. Truly. Thank you.
The part that bothers me is the absolute that it needs to be EVERY week ... and if we are going to have kids together (like we've talked about) - will it become 3 or 4 nights and I'm stuck at home...
I guess I will just see what happens for now. If it becomes more and more, then he's just not the one for me.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 May 2013):
 Gawd I would LOVE my husband to go out one night a week with friends....
I don't see where a man at 5 months into a relationship saying he wants to go out on a Friday night with his friends as requesting space. He still wants to see you the other nights right?
Being together 24/7 makes it boring.
And at his age does he really need a 12 am curfew?
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (14 May 2013):
Ideally, the best case scenario is a women who lets her man roam around with his buddies. Men love to bond, drink and share their stories. It can be on occasion and since it benefits the mental health of the guy's mind, it will benefit the relationship. Quite a simple concept but I suppose many women see it differently.
This does not seem like a sudden change but rather a gradual course of events. If his decision does not bode well with you, then you are better off finding someone who will not do such things.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (14 May 2013):
It sounds like the two of you aren't compatible. Explaining to him why this isn't a good idea is a waste of breath because there really isn't anything wrong with it, you just don't like it.
II think friendships are critical to a healthy relationship, and people around the world of all ages love to hang out and drink.
He's still relationship minded, but he misses his friends. I've been in that same position and I don't think it's fair of you to force him to stop hanging out with them on occasion. If it's that important to you, dump him.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2013): There is a difference between giving each other some space and demanding every Friday as a singles night.
Ten to one he is NOT offering you the same deal, you have a free night of your own every week at a day of your choosing.
Let me also guess that he still expects an open door policy for your girl bits?
He is trying to have his cake and eat it too. Your choice as to whether he is allowed to have it his way, your way or a compromise.
Say once a month he can have his night out with lads. And once a month you can have your night out, to do whatever you want, no questions asked. He doesn't need to know you don't have any plans or desire or need to mess around. Just that he knows, space goes both ways.
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male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (14 May 2013):
 Give him some space. Everyone needs some me time with their friends every so often. It's healthy for a relationship.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2013): I understand how you feel OP ive just left my BF over a similar issue.
Im not controlling nor do i expect my BF not to go out without me or never have nights out on the town but my 34 year old boyfriend was going out without me every saturday night, coming home drunk int eh early hours and then spending most of sunday in bed.
We both work long hours during the week and don't get much relaxed "together" time on weeknights so we only really have weekends to spend together. Saturday afternoon he is clock watching and making me feel he cant wait to finish whatever he is doing with me and get ready for a night out with the lads. He never makes much effort when out with me: he takes me for a meal in a baseball cap and tee shirt, but when its a lads night out he is in the bathroom for an hour before hand, asking me to iron his best shirt, etc.
Money is tight right now yet he will blow money on getting blind drunk, taxi's home, admittance to clubs, etc. We were hoping to start a family soon and had started trying for a baby, but i just couldn't see it working with a man who would rather spend money on drink than saving it for when we had a child, and would probably continue going out clubbing to the early hours while I attended to the baby.
My Bf used to spend time with his father away from me and that was never an issue nor was there a problem when he would go out for a few drinks after work with co-workers. But this is different. Its a feeling that your partner has regressed into adolescence...the heavy drinking, the outfits, the ladish antics and so on. Hes gone from a man i saw as my future husband and father to my child, to suddenly feeling im 21 again and just "knocking about" with a lad.
When we try and discuss finances or how we are going to help my sick mother he will grin and say "i drank X amount last night! I was soooo the man on the dancefloor..."
All this changed after we started trying for a baby. OP maybe its the same for you in some way?
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (14 May 2013):
 Hi
Give him some space or find a guy who is prepared to live to your expectations. You don't like the idea of him being out drinking every Friday till 5am with his buddies. He wants to go.
Maybe he is sick of being on a curfew, maybe you leaving places at midnight together or stopping in, makes him feel like a child and he wants to break out.
It doesn't bother me if my partner is out - or even away for a weekend, which he is a couple of times a year, he wouldn't dream of telling me I couldn't go somewhere either. I prefer not too see him drunk or hungover so it suits me, he has to let his hair down or do his thing.
Perhaps the differences between you are too much to move forward with this relationship.If your not compatible then there's no point being together really.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2013): Frankly OP if you're this clingy, patronizing and restrictive about him having a night out once a week then maybe you need to find a man that is more suited to you.
My fiancée's Saturday night outing with her girls is very important to her and I have at least one night a week for my buddies too, to play pool, or maybe have a drinking session or go to a gig etc. I'm the same age as you OP.
I have two nights planned this week, tonight I'm out with my fiancée for a major session with her friends and Saturday night I'm out celebrating my friends birthday and she's got a family thing to go to. It keeps our relationship fresh to have outside interests, it keeps her feeling free and independent as a woman to be able to go and do what she likes without me stuck to her all the time and I would never call anything she does "juvenile" because I don't think so little of her and I'm not judgemental. She arrived home last week wearing a traffic cone on her head and her dress ruined spilled alcohol. She's a consultant psychologist for our government on a 6 figure salary can unwind any way she pleases, plus she returned the traffic cone in the morning.
OP how about you explain to us why you think it's juvenile, why you think him having a social life is going to drive you apart?
In my experience being clingy and controlling, patronizing a grown man for wanting to let off some steam is far more juvenile.
What, you want him to join a book club or take up knitting or something?
If he's not free to see his buddies without getting emotionally blackmailed by you or have you patronize him then trust me OP, he's gone. Just make sure the next guy you date is a boring homebody with no friends.
You may want to have a nice think for yourself about your attitude towards the past times of others OP, you seem to look down on people who don't live the way you think they should. Well go find yourself a boring loner then OP, because I think you'll find most healthy, stable men need some kind of outlet to unwind and some independence from the relationship.
You sound like you want to imprison him for some reason, yet your reasons for thinking all this kind of thing are not all that clear. But your way of trying to control him is awful. Emotionally blackmail, calling him juvenile, making him seem like he doesn't care about your relationship all because he wants a night out with his buddies? Wow. If he was here asking this question from his perspective everyone here would tell him to run away as fast as he can.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2013): I really do not see the harm in him going out with his friends once a week. He should be doing stuff on his own with his buddies, as should you. As long as everyone knows the boundaries, can go out and be able to trust one another, there shouldn't be an big deal at all. If your boyfriend is going out, getting trashed, can't remember what he did or with who, gets into trouble with others or the law, then there is a problem. That's a whole different issue and then there is cause for concern. Otherwise, encourage him to go out, let him do his thing, ask him about the night when you see him next and be interested in what he has to say and move on.
Don't let this drive you apart. You feeling like he should sit at home or only be with you is what will drive the two of you apart.
Everyone needs space and everyone needs to be able to do their own thing. Many people balance relationships with work, friends and activities. Don't make this guy the center of everything you do or you will smother him.
I think eventually the novelty of the whole thing will wear off anyway...the other guy's get into relationships, they have other committments, someone's child gets sick or something, they realize they can't party it up and stay out all night like they are 20 anymore lol. Let it run it's course.
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female
reader, maisy1 +, writes (14 May 2013):
I disagree with the other responses.
There's a difference between your boyfriend wanting a lads night out regularly or setting aside some time away from you to do other things, and a guy going out every friday night till 5am getting drunk and partying without you.
His friends may be carefree and single or have partners who don't mind their exploits OP but what if your female friends have children, financial responsibilities and so on and cant afford or dont have the energy to join you on a friday night for a girls night out? And if you have to be up and at work for 7am saturday then a friday night out is going to involve an early night and staying sober for you. So while he is out partying and enjoying himself your sat in on a friday night knowing youve got to get ready for work while he is enjoying his partying!
Im assuming hes in his 30s? Well going out clubbing and drinking and getting a taxi home are expensive. Its not up to me or anyone else to dictate how and where he spends his own money of course, but i do think at 30+ one should have greater responsibility for money matters. These are tough economic times and our 30s are a time of greater responsibility: mortgage, rent, the rising cost of car ownership, etc. There's nothing wrong with nights out and its good that he has friends and a social life but there's a healthy medium.
There's a world of difference between you being controlling and you wanting him to be sensible with his money and time. Why does he have to come home at 4-5am? My boyfriend goes out without me for drinks with friends but he doesnt get drunk any more, comes home at a reasonable hour and takes a more mature, sensible approach to his social life. If my BF was out every friday drinking, clubbing and partying i would be moving on! Im younger than you OP and me, my freinds and our partners have all grown up and moved on.
How long is he going to continue with this laddish, adolescent behaviour? What if you had kids? would he still go out every friday night blowing fifty quid on rounds of drinks and taxi's and stay out till 5am while you struggle to pay for your child and get up five times a night to change the baby?
This guy SHOULD have grown out of drinking till 5am long ago IMO. Others may disagree but im 24 and if i met a man who was still into that i would keep on walking as its the stuff 17-22 year old's should be doing, not men with responsibilities.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (14 May 2013):
I agree with k_c 100. I am a woman too, and, personally, I never wanted and would not want now a partner tied to my apron's strings 365 nights in a year. Yes, maybe his passtimes are a bit " juvenile "... but, if you feel uncomfortable evry time he's out of your sight and hanging out with other people, you probably would feel uncomfortable even if he went on his own to bridge tournaments or his church socials.
He is not beind dodgy or avoidant, he just wants a night a week to hang out with his pals. I think it's important that a couple does not become totally fusional and each person is able to maintain a little space for personal pursuits, - I can imagine that maybe you'd like it better if this personal pursuits were spending nights at the opera or watching Shakespeare's dramas, but one can't really choose her partner's hobbies and interests , so , as long he does not do anything disrespectful to you or your relationship, I think you could try an effort of flexibility. Maybe you could make Fridays girls' night out too .
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (14 May 2013):
I think you are over-reacting to be honest, I never understand why women get so controlling in relationships and I'm a woman myself!
What he basically wants isnt 'time' or 'space', he simply wants to see his friends on a Friday night and have a boys night without you there. I think that is a perfectly reasonable request, and it will in fact be healthy for your relationship to have some time apart.
Just because he is in his 30's (presumably) doesnt mean he has to stay at home with you every night, or take you with him everywhere he goes. He is still young, and if he wants to go for a few drinks with his friends on a Friday night then he is well within his rights to do so.
My boyfriend is 30 this year and he still goes out every Friday to the pub with his friend. I dont ever get invited, but I'm ok with that because we see each other every day and we dont need to be joined at the hip.
He needs his time with his friends, so let him - and dont get upset over such small issues. Once a week with his friends is no big deal, he is probably feeling like for the first 5 months of your relationship he has purely focused on you and neglected his friends so he is just trying to get the balance back in his life between you and friends.
Ok so if he was staying out until 5am 4 times a week and hardly ever seeing you, that would be a different matter. But once a week? It will do you both a world of good to have 1 night a week apart and keep an element of individuality in your lives. The most successful relationships are those where the 2 partners have their own separate friends and interests, who spend time apart and then can come back together and talk about the things they have done while they are apart.
Stop being so controlling, a night out once a week with the boys is not an issue to get worked up about so relax, let him be a man and enjoy himself - it will make your relationship stronger not weaker.
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