A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am with my bf nearly 3 years now and I am upset that he has never to this day offered me marriage. I hate to sound demanding by writing that and I really don't know why this starts to bother me so much as it never bothered me this much before!! I guess its old age starting to screw with my head. Even on my Facebook last night, I wished a male friend a Happy Birthday as you do - and he wrote back thank you mrs. then my name. So I replied with lol its miss actually! I blew it off as a joke but everyone I know assumes we are already married even though we are not. We should be by now and we act like a married couple most of the time!! I know I shouldn't be thinking this way right but I feel I am starting to get old and I don't want to feel like he has just wasted my time. I'm 32 never married and he is 44 divorced twice. He said the reason we are not married or that he never bothered is cos we didn't get along v well for quite some time and that's fine by me cos I wouldn't marry a person either unless things were as close to perfect as possible - so for a couple of months, we have been working at healing our couple and it is getting better at least but just making slow progress sort of deal. Problem 1: We had disagreements before where we had sort of bickered due to our differences mainly in opinion about random stuff. I have a child with him - its his first and well the child is nearly 2 now. Problem no.2 he hates my parents and they don't trust him back - they told me they don't hate him but kind of dislike what he is not doing with me I guess. My mother text me this week-end saying he is going to leave you anyway - its just a matter of time - when are you going to realize that? I never replied cos that one message hurt me so much - I read it out to him and it just annoyed him. I guess I should have kept it to myself. Still - I start to wonder if my mother is right. I am sure she didn't want to hurt me but was just giving her opinion sort of at the wrong time! I also have a step daughter - her real father never wanted to know her and never met her to this day though he was offered which he refused anyway her step-father is great and he treats her like as if she was his own - he is a great father to both of them - its just the couple that seems to suffer a lot of time with their being no left over time for it to grow due to the kids care etc., I feel as if some of the time I could simply disappear and he wouldn't even notice.Problem 3: my parents are a bit over-protective of my daughter not so much my son - I think its cos they are scared that ultimately he prefers his son to her - they think he shows preference. I don't think that at all. So they take her out way too much and don't alternate the grand-kids enough which is why my partner doesn't like them and that I could understand him not liking about them. He feels its unfair to our son and I agree so I had it out with my parents and they are starting to get a bit better but again its a slow progress sort of deal and I am stuck in the middle between them both. I sat my parents down and told them they need to accept his position as step-father - the fact he is so good to her and is raising her like his own should be a reason to like the guy even more than the norm not less!Problem 4: I have told him I feel I don't exist anymore now IN OUR COUPLE that he has got sort of too comfy with me. I am happy he is comfy with me at all to a certain extent but just sometimes would like him to take care of himself a bit better. He always looks sloppy too on the weekends which is getting me down - on the week-ends he never shaves, always wears sweatpants and is grubby as hell! - sometimes doesn't even shower for a week at the v worst but mainly he takes a shower every 3 days. However he looks great for his job (I am guessing cos he has to) and what gets me down is that he doesn't just SOMETIMES try to look great for me every once in a while. I don't say to him cos I am hoping he will know this himself and if I say something along these lines I don't want to come across as demanding or telling him what to do. I asked him respectfully and said would you like to go for a shower while I play with the kids - assuming maybe he simply doesn't get the time to! I keep myself looking nice and its like as if I am not important enough to him anymore to want to look nice for and I guess its cos we never go out ever due to lack of money. OTHER ISSUES:He never takes me out as we never have the money to do so - so I am constantly cooking in the kitchen and feel often married to the kitchen stove. I feel unappreciated a lot of the time but he shows his gratitude at least by cleaning the dishes so I guess I should turn a blind eye to it huh. I say nothing as he knows how upset I feel about it all and well I don't want the kids to see me upset. We just make the best of it - they are great kids - daughter is 3.5 and son is nearly 2.I finally told him over the phone nicely and calmly and broke down in tears a bit. He was v understanding and nice back at least. I just feel in a constant state of turmoil. At the crossroads not knowing which way is the best way to turn. I do SLIGHTLY resent the fact he never offered me before I gave birth to our son but then again it would have been too soon I suppose - so I have got a bit better about it - trying not to resent! as its not worth having - right - just like anger isn't worth having. Anyway, we were in town on the week-end that just passed and this little old lovely touristy couple approached us and made small chat - were lost - anyway we helped them get to the place they wanted to get to and as we went to part ways the little old man says you have a fine wife there...and he said yes she is huh? he said oh you moved from the US to be with her right - yes! and then he blushed and said nothing more...back then he did move countries to be with me so I guess he is the real deal anyway when they left I said why did you call me your wife if we are not married lol? - he said it was just easier to say I was his wife to the old couple but it did leave me a little bit confused. Did he lie to them because he knew they might not understand why we weren't already with 2 kids in tow? is it cos they are from a different generation who believed in marriage once you had kids? I need to stop wrecking my head over this. I tend to be over-analytic in nature but he has made me wonder as to whether or not he is really serious so I finally cracked and asked him straight out are you serious about me or have your feelings changed over time? - just want honesty - (that way its easier to move on if he doesn't feel that way and so be it)..he asked it back at me instead of answering the question directly - I said of course I am serious! - why would I stay after all this time if I wasn't?...then he says sure he is serious but I can't help but wonder why he answered me with my own question instead of giving me a straight up yes if that is the case. Is it cos he is not sure if I am serious about him which clearly I am! I asked him once if he believed me when I told him I loved him and he said he had difficulty to believe that I truly love him because of the disagreements we have had in the past but I meant what I said. I guess cos he knows I have said: look I can't be with you if this is leading absolutely nowhere - has probably caused him to question my love for him but is it so bad of me to not want my time to be wasted? I don't bullsh*t a guy ever! We don't bicker anymore at least and I told him I can't have it around the kids etc and that if he feels he can't get on with me he goes for a time out!! just to get his space...I would rather he got space from me than had a disagreement in front of kids and that has worked out well a lot. Thankfully kids don't see any problems and if we do ever have problems we talk them out calmly after they go asleep so if we bicker ever the kids are usually asleep. SO yeah we have been to hell and back emotionally and now we are in a state of limbo in terms of whether we stay and keep chugging along or just break it off altogether and go our separate ways. We both love each other - and well its like both of us are scared to know whether the other one is for real or not or whether he or she is really the one! Any ideas on how to resolve all these conflicts and get there to that plateau where everything is just simple and clear. I told him I can't marry him unless things are easy with each other - harmonious, peaceful and loving. I like to feel cared for and a lot of the time espec in the past not so much now, I told him I have felt un-cared for. I think he does care for me properly having said that, just its in small doses and perhaps he feels the same way about me. Sorry to rant on but had to get this off my chest - can anyone make sense of what is REALLY going on here? I feel blind to my situation in a lot of respects and just want to do the right thing for everyone involved.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 September 2013):
 It's hard to say, maybe because he had two failed marriages behind him? Maybe because YOU were OK with having a child BEFORE you got married? Maybe because it's been working so far for the two of you without being married?
Maybe what you should do is let him read what you wrote. He might not really "get" you.
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (2 September 2013):
 You guys sound like an old married couple, that is generally what happens when we forget to do things as a couple and focus only on family.
To stimulate the relationship, set aside date night once a week, maybe movie, ice cream or a quiet night for the two. Many people don't realise they need to work on the relationship and look after one another as a healthy relationship is more than being a family but it misses the element of romance and made to feel special.
So if he wont take the initiative , you do and hopefully the healing will start. I am sure once he starts feeling appreciated and realise what he is missing , he will pop the question.
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