A
female
age
30-35,
*ue123
writes:I'm 23 and my bf who is 27 won't have sex or even make out with me. we were both each other's first, and we've been going out for almost 2 1/2 years. The few times that we have "had sex" were only mins long because something would interrupt us and we'd have to stop. after these unfinished times I'd put pressure that we should try again because I wanted the full experience; and now he says he's not attracted to me because I put to much pressure on him.I've tried a lot to not ask him for sex so he won't feel pressured ,but sometimes I break and ask for it and he ends up disliking the idea more....idk what to do. I love him very much and I don't want to leave him at all, but it's getting to a point where I find myself thinking of leaving him for a classmate I barely like. I wouldn't cheat and I don't want to leave but Idk what to do anymore. if you have an idea please help Reply to this Question
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female
reader, sue123 +, writes (12 October 2014):
sue123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm still not sure what to do because I want it to work out, but I really appreciate all of your honesty. thank you guys
A
male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (12 October 2014):
I suspect he's either asexual or gay and in denial. Either way, you deserve someone who will make you happier.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 October 2014):
 He just doesn't like sex, thats the truth. Its got nothing to do with "pressure" or whatever excuse he makes up. Its just that guys are "supposed" to want sex, or so they are often displayed in movies and tv-shows, and so they talk amongst one another. So, him being different and NOT wanting sex, probably has made him feel like less of a man, insecure, and in general very sensitive when it comes to the topic. So, after 2 and a half years, he's only attempted sex a few times.. why? Because he doesn't actually want sex. Not with you, not with anyone. It's not his thing. But he will not admit to it, because he is embarrassed by it.
Yes, leave. Things will not improve, and he's passing blame on you as if his lacking sexual desire is somehow your fault. Which is a shitty thing to do. Do NOT believe it. You're fine, you've done nothing wrong, and wanting sex in a relationship is perfectly normal. What's NOT normal is not wanting to have sex, which is how he feels. But that's fine, don't try to talk to him about it even. He is who he is. And if HE finds it a problem, then HE needs to deal with it. The only thing you can and should do, is to leave. This isn't working, and no, it wont change.
Do not let his comments get to you, please. You're perfectly normal. Do not let his lacking sexual desire ruin your view on sex in a relationship, because sex is a natural part of a relationship, and as soon as you find a new boyfriend you will experience it how it ought to be.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 October 2014):
 It sounds to me like he is USING you "pressuring" him as an excuse for not really wanting sex with you.
Sorry, I think you two have very different sex-drives.
A guy at 27 who doesn't WANT to have sex with his GF? Who isn't happy that his GF wants him SO bad? Sorry, something else is up.
And it won't change.
My advice, find a guy who WANTS you as badly as you want him.
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A
female
reader, sue123 +, writes (12 October 2014):
sue123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you guys for replying. It made me feel like I'm not crazy for feeling bad. Thank you :-)
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (12 October 2014):
 If natural horniness is not enough to give him pressure to have sex, I don't know what else is. He could be low in testosterone or not so attracted to females. Or an anxiety problem. He could also be purposefully planning things that would interrupt because he can't last that long and hope that those "things" would stop you from asking for more, but you did. Sex is important. You are each other's first but you are not dumb. You know that sex can get better than this and you are smarter than believing excuses he tells you. First time he says he's not sexually attracted to you is the time you say, well then, I am not the one for you. There are things he could be doing such as going to the doctor, psychologist, urologist if he doesn't know what the problem is. If he knows what the problem is he would explain to you, tell you either it's going to be fixed in x time, or sorry, that's his destiny, a health issue and let you decide if you want to be with him. Instead of guilt tripping you, ignoring it and hoping the sex issue just disappear by itself.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (12 October 2014):
I would have thought he’d want to try again if you were interrupted. Firstly, try to make sure nothing can interrupt you: switch your phones off, be somewhere private, and actually make sure time has been set aside for it. I wonder if he feels like he’s being blamed by you for the times when things don’t go to plan, and that’s why he’s accusing you of putting him under pressure? I wonder if he just needs reassurance from you that you only ask because you enjoy being with him, not to criticise him or make him feel inadequate in any way? Sometimes people bottle things up and think they know what the other person’s thinking. I think this is something you need to talk about: explain to him how his rejection hurts, tell him you don’t want to pressurise him but how much you want to enjoy sex with him. Ask him what you could do differently, and don’t be afraid to tell him what needs to change from your point of view too. It may be that you need to work your way up to sex, to be relaxed around each other without raising the expectations, and enjoy foreplay without insisting it must lead to full sex every time. Then go with it when the moment takes you both.
I don’t think you can carry on without telling him you feel rejected and unfulfilled, and I think that he’s either got to admit that he’s not interested in you anymore sexually, or open up about what’s troubling him and why he feels so under pressure. I think there’s probably more to it than simply losing attraction for you, particularly if the relationship is otherwise going well. Good luck.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
male
reader, 1989mrz  +, writes (12 October 2014):
 Talk to him for the last time about it,and see if he still act the same way ,if he do act the same way ,in my opinion you can leave him because he's reasons to starve you are not reasonable at all,.goodluck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2014): If you need sexual intimacy then this relationship is not for you.
He either doesn't see a problem with the relationship as it is, or he doesn't care enough to see a doctor about it.
It's your choice whether you can live like this forever. But he's probably not going to change.
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