A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:When waiting for a take away once with my ex boyfriend, I was reading a magazine with a sex positions article in it. Being flirty, as a joke I showed it to him and he put it back on the table and said angrily I'm not taking sex advice from a girl! What is your opinion on why he acted like this? It still puzzles me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess it did matter to me because I never lost the spark for him and I always made an effort to make our relationship work. I would travel to see him and he only ever returned the favor once, whilst complaining the whole time that he wasn't enjoying being in a city and he only visited me because his friend came over so he could go out drinking one night with his friend, and not spend the whole 2 days with me!
Looking back the signs were there, that he wasn't really into me. I just think it was cruel and strange for him to stay "in a relationship" with me if he didn't feel that spark with me, for 3 and a half years! Why would someone do that?
The reason I stayed and tried so hard, was because at the start he was really into me. He told everyone down the pub that he'd met this amazing woman and he said and did all the right things to make me feel so special and so convinced he was the "one" for me. We got on amazingly well. The sex was great, sure it always is at the start, but I really thought I could be happy with him for many years. Then after 6 months he started to push me away when I was horny. Then he stopped wanting to do things with me like hang out, go out, do anything I wanted to do with him. He never wanted to go on holiday with me. So in the end I went travelling alone and saw the light. I had such an amazing time, and he was far from my mind. I had a crush on this guy and I think he liked me back, although nothing happened and I know it was just a holiday thing. But it showed me that there could be other guys out there for me and that I could be happy without my ex. So I decided to leave.
I guess what has shocked me is that he told me he was basically not attracted to me, no spark, when we broke up, and that "blond skinny women will always be more attractive". I am a curvy redhead and don't believe that only one type of woman is most attractive. Attraction is very specific to the person. But just hearing him say all this made me think, what the hell were you doing with me for over 3 years if you didn't fancy me?! And not only that he lied and lied so many times when he didn't want sex and I asked is it because you are not sexually attracted to me. He protested so much and just said he was tired, not interested in sex in general etc etc, and I bought it, I guess because I wanted to believe it was true. So it is much my own fault because I was colluding with him. I knew deep down there was something wrong with his feeling for me. He just didn't admit it until we broke up and then it just felt like a slap in the face. He said it all in a casual conversational way, but it was really hurtful to me. I was so devoted to him.
Ok, I know he didn't deserve me. And yes the next person I start a relationship with will have to be amazing. I would not just get with anyone and I will not be seduced by someone saying all the right things. It will take me a while to trust someone else and it will have to be the right person, not just anyone. And no I don't think all men are amazing lovers and I have to please them. Sex should be a mutually enjoyable experience and fun! But he rarely wanted sex. So the next person will have to be attracted to me. But then I can't know for sure that they won't lose the attraction like my ex did. So I am afraid to ever be with another man again. I know all relationships have problems. I just need to wait until the right person comes along I guess.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 February 2012):
 Aw BS. Talk is cheap , and everybody always had incredible sex ...in the past, and rocked the sexual world ... of their EXes. NOW is the moment.
I think you should turn upside down the perspective from which you see sex. You sort of have stage fright, you are like the wanna be performer at an audition : will I be good enough, will I please them, will I make the grade ?....
Wrong question, you have to turn it around. YOU are the one doing the casting choices, you must be the movie director. The question is : do YOU feel the spark for them ? have THEY got what it takes to be the right lover for you ? Can they satisfy you , can they fulfill you ? Which, of course !, it does not only means having the right technique or the right moves or the right "equipment ". It means, most of all, having the right PERSONALITY, the right ATTITUDE , to make you feel good about yourself and confident about your sexuality.
It takes two to tango and when it does not work between two people, I don't think it can ever be the case of one being a sex God or Goddess , and the other one being too lame or tame or whatnot.
Yes, it's possible that your ex never felt as powerfully attracted to you as he feels he should be , or else the spark might have gone lost in time for tons of reasons. Shit happens. But, it does not matter ; he is ONE guy out of hundreds of potential partners out there for you. Everybody is different, every relationship, every experience- it does not mean you will always be mismatched to ANY guy you'll meet, just that you were mismatched to him ( which , btw, can be a blessing in disguise , because he really sounds like an insecure jerk ).
The next will NOT be him, so your experience will be totally different. Just, I would advise you anyway to not look at men with this hat-in-hands, beggars-can't-be-chosers attitude ; ask not what your country can do for you... no sorry, that was another thing :) Ask yourself not if you'll be up to their standards or hot enough for them, ask yourself if THEY will be up to your standards or hot enough for you. This shift of perspective , if you can make it, will help you greatly, and it's way more sensible than it sounds: why, do you reckon they are all Casanovas out there ? All Rodolfo Valentinos ? All lean and mean sex machines..?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess the reason it bugs me so much, is because he has told me he has slept with many women and had some pretty adventurous sex. Yet with me he lost interest and I couldn't sort it out through talking as he always brushed me off or made me feel like an idiot for trying to be sexual or discuss sex with him. It has made me feel really insecure about sex. I think there is something about me that turned him off, or something I did, and it breaks my heart and drives me mad thinking about it. When we broke up he said he would rather be with someone who he felt a spark with. I just don't understand why you would get with and stay with someone for 3 and a half years when you felt no spark or attraction for them. And what annoys me is he always reassured me that he was attracted to me(when he didn't want to have sex), but obviously something was wrong. I guess it feels like I've been strung along and used a bit. It's made me feel unattractive and unsexy and afraid to have sex again. If other people talk about having sex I feel like this lurch in my stomache, I just feel so ashamed. I dont know what this feeling is. I feel like there is something wrong with me. It broke my heart to break up with him but I couldn't stay in a relationship when I felt like he didn't want to sleep with me. I just wish I knew what the problem was then I could avoid it next time. I just wish I knew if the problem was him or something I did to kill the spark or just a lack of attraction from him for me. If it was me, I just wish I could know what I did wrong so I can work on that, if it was him I can accept it and move on or if it was that he wasnt that attracted to me but strung me along for company and ego stroking then that would hurt most deeply but at least I would know the truth.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (19 February 2012):
 Guy seems to have some sex issues. Are you to blame? HELL NO!! Is he out there having a wonderful sex life? HELL NO!! Like I said, some men have problems talking about such issues. This guy has sex problems and can't even deal with it in conversation.
You only tell us part of the story, and so we give you bad advice. Does your ex have a sex problem.. HELL YES!! And that's why he is an ex. You can't fix it if you can't talk about it.. Definitely not you, he has problems you don't know about... religion maybe, past sexual abuse, perfectionism, mental problems, asexual (no desire for sex) or maybe he is gay. Normal guys don't get upset about talking about sex (they have problems with getting advice) and they don't avoid the bedroom.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAaah sorry, I've not made much sense... The incident I described happened when we WERE together, it was in the past. But since I broke up with him, I have just been trying to figure out what happened within our relationship and get some closure. I wanted to know why a man would act like this with his girlfriend.
As for now, no we are not friends. I have basically blocked him out, or treid. He has said he wants to be friends(because we rarely had sex anyway, so not much would change). But for me, I did love him for 3 years, so I can't be friends with a man who hurt me and pushed me away so much, and everytime I see him (I just saw him in the pub and said hi because it would be rude to totally ignore him) it brings up all these feelings. We broke up 7 weeks ago and I am getting there. I just have some things that happened that still puzzle me like his whole attitude to sex and rufusal to engage in any sexy flirting with me. So I know he's bad for me, and as much as it hurts to shut him out, I know that is what I must do to heal myself and be happy again :)
Sorry for the confusion! The flirting was when we were together! I wouldn't do that now haha! Now I know what he is like.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (19 February 2012):
Oh sorry I had overlooked that he was an EX boyfriend. So, I guess it's what I said PLUS he was strongly discouraging you from flirting. It's a ( rude ) way to tell you to stay within your boundaries.
He has a point though- don't flirt with him, he is an EX. Don't be coy, don't be "cute ", don't talk sex. . Be civil if you really MUST cross paths with him, but no more than you'd be to the mailman or any other male acquaintances. If you are having trouble cooling down your feelings, which is understandable, at least though don't be yourself the one who blows on the embers .
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (19 February 2012):
This guy is not your friend. He is off limits, do not flirt, do not touch, he is like fire or poison to you and you will get hurt. No more hanging out together and definitely no sex.
Yes it's hard, I know.. been there meself... print out this post and when you get weak, remember how bad you feel when you try to get close.
Sorry, heartache sucks.... Redirect your post, (post office can do it for you very cheaply) your only torturing yourself by trying to hang on to something that is already dead. The sooner he's out of your life, the quicker you can heal and stop crying.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone. Yes he's an ex for a reason. I want and need to move on. I guess it's just hard when in this place where I live I am bound to continue to cross his path, so I can't forget. Plus post keeps arriving at his house for me so I will have to keep going round to get it. Jeez I am making a mountain out of a molehill. Just wish I could learn to switch off these stupid feelings...
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (19 February 2012):
Ah.... he's an ex for a reason remember that. I don't think it's a good idea for you to be around him right now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell what he really said was I don't need sex advice from a girl and brushed me away. I was just trying to flirt and have fun like some couples do. I guess I am just not fun and sexy. He just thought what an idiot, I don't want sex with you or care what you think. The way I feel right now is so ugly and repulsive. I saw him today in the pub. Its like the past will always be there and nothing has value. I'm so depressed, I really hope I can move past this...
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat  +, writes (18 February 2012):
 Well, honey, personally he sounds like a misogynist. They're really good at hating women and thinking lesser of us just because we have a dirty ole vagina instead of a magic penis.
Consequently, they still want to put their magic penis in our dirty ole vagina, even though we're barely worth a conversation, let alone a relationship. We are JUST women, after all.
They don't make very good boyfriends. Perhaps you should find a nice man that actually LIKES women? :-)
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (18 February 2012):
Macho man... lol.. many guys are like this, they hate to show any vulnerabilities or insecurities.. Much easier to go to a man for advice, where you can pretend you don't care, tell them little, forget a lot and lie a bit and get advice that doesn't help and is totally wrong. Women for whatever reason expect you to look deeper and ask questions that challenge you and can strip you of your self belief (break you down, to build up up, better this time and not built on the lies you tell yourself) .... often men who say they don't take advice from women, run to them, (mothers, sisters, female work colleagues) when the problem is too hard to be solved by avoidance and ignorance.
Same idea behind men rejecting doctors or thinking that therapy and counselling is only for fools.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 February 2012):
 Wow, he sounds like an insecure dofus!
I'm guessing he took the article as a critique of his sexual skills..... Instead of a suggestion to try new things.
Which means, if he isn't all that super in bed, he doesn't WANT to improve.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (18 February 2012):
He probably thought he was better than he was. Perhaps you suggesting something just didn't go down to well with his manly ego.
Probably a good reason for him to be an ex really.
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A
male
reader, Hugh.J +, writes (18 February 2012):
 "Wisdom cries out in the streets and no man regards it" (Henry 1V,Pt.1).
As Cindy says, he is a fool; nobody knows everything and he would do well to learn from you, or anyone, in order to improve his technique. Even at my advanced age (NO, I'm not saying!) I still have lots to learn about women - a lifetimes dedicated study, by the way!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): He might have been very insecure and sensitive about his skills as a lover. Maybe someone in his past knocked his confidence and you hit a nerve when you showed him the article?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2012): Hes an idiot. Find a new one.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 February 2012):
I wonder whom would he take sex advice from... from another man ?! :) I guess that's why many men are lousy lovers and are totally clueless about what feels good to their woman... because they don't listen, and they don't take advice and suggestions from women, ... which are after all the most qualified source to say what pleases THEM...
Maybe your bf is a bit insecure about his lovemaking skills and sexual prowess ( aren't they all a bit, deep down ) and took your joking advice as a veiled critique, or the implication that he is not sexually good enough for you and he should improve, - even if it's not that what you meant.
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