A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My mother does not support me in anything. I'm in my 3rd semester in college working on a crimal justice bachelors degree. Shouldn't I parent be proud? I guess they should but she isn't. She calls me "worthless" and worst things. So I have tried to reach out a to her. Every time I get shut down. I am a very sensitive and emotionla person. This hurts me. I don't like being hurt. So I am at a point in which I can say I hate her and not feel bad about it at allMy boyfriend in the other hand things family is the important thing in the world. I do agree they are important but how I deal with someone like her? I don't like negative people in my life. The added stressed has taken a toll on my apperance. I am very sleep deprived and People always tell me I look tired.Today my boyfriend told me that "I was emotionally broken because the people I should love are the people that I hate." He went on to say that he could "never marry me" and that "I am a terrible person" His words hurt. They hurt very much. He broke my heart. I see no future in us after those word. We been together for almost 2 and half years. I did wish I could marry him in the future. What I need to know is if is right? Is there any future for us? Am I a terrible person? I don't think I am but I feel as terrible and worthless as they say I am. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2010): u are not a horrible person, he just does not understand ur situation and there is a communication problem between u two.
u should just try to talk to him , make him see things through ur perspective, tell him that he is blessed with the family he has but everyones situation is different and he should be more understanding. write him an email and confess ur feelings to him and discuss the issues that u have in the relationship. he needs to understand more the depth of ur situation, some people just dont have good parents. i have been through a similar situation with my bf but we managed to talk things through. if u love him dont let things come to this. it isnt ur fault ur mother treats u like that, we dont choose our parents.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (29 April 2010):
Your boyfriend is no better than your own mother, so that's something you need to address, because it could be that your experiences with your mother are leading you to make bad choices in other areas. You can be sure that he has never experienced what you have with your mother. I have no feeling for my father, yet people are always telling me that he's a 'nice guy, and always seems helpful'. In fact he's a nightmare, so I understand what yo're saying. Your boyfriend doesn't, and to say what he did shows that he is no better than she is. The most important thing is that you're happy. If that means leaving your mother well out of your life, then do just that. And anyone who says you're bad for it isn't worth your time, because they don't understand. For your boyfriend to say that shows how little he really understands of cares for you. There is nothing wrong with they way you feel. But I think it's making you choose people who aren't suitable. So my advice is to spend some time alone focusing on yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2010): We all have different lives, different families etc. Like you, my mother is a taker and we could not get on! We tolerate each other and over the years we are civilised towards each other but there is no love there. Your boyfriend is assuming that the world is a perfect place where always the mother and daughter love ea other but this is not the case. He should be understanding and supportive. You are not a terrible person. I used to suffer with this as well when I used to see my girlfriends so close to their moms...it's not a great thing not to have a relationship with your mother and so he should try to understand that! Life is not fair... but accept that and if he can't then maybe he has some growing up to do! good luck xx
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (29 April 2010):
 Family is important, very very important, IF they act as a family. That means no belittling your children, and making them feel worthless, or at least telling them that they are. That's not a family, it's dysfunction. Who does dysfunction benefit? No one. His saying that is not appropriate, but as the other poster implied about it being his perception, he's entitled to that. I bet though, his family life does not replicate what you go through with your mother.
Now if he's putting marriage on the line because of what you go through. I'd simply say, "okay, we are not going to get married." Plain and simple, he states it, you confirm by his wishes that it will then be true. I have found often that the word hate is taken out of context. Hating your mother means their is nothing about her existence that you can find appreciation for. I don't justify your mom doing what she does at all, but would like to give you something to think about. What I find in people who put others down in the manner your mom does to you. It's an outward display of how she feels about herself. Some people have difficulty recognizing or managing low self esteems, so one way to cope it to belittle others, which is actually telling others what they want to tell themselves.
You are an adult, and you decide who to allow around you and who's negative and you should stay away from. My mom wasn't quite like yours, but she could get cranky and nit pick over tiny things that really shouldn't have energy wasted on. I had a rule, which was followed, when she'd visit, the negativity remained outside the door. I did this because in raising my kids, I chose for them not to be exposed to making tiny nothings into worldly issues.
If he can't respect your perception, and wants you to see everything the way he does or it's wrong. I don't think he's the guy you want to be saying "I do" to. You are entitled to how you view your experience, and he's entitled to how he views his. In this situation, I'd say, neither one of you are wrong, only see things differently. However, it is wrong to set conditions if you don't change your view to seeing his view as being the truth and that you're wrong. That just simply is not so.
I hope this helps, take care.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (29 April 2010):
 It is only his perspective and he is entitled to it but that does not mean that he is right .
If he loves you, it is only you and not about any relationship with your mother or any person for that matter.
I don't think there is any future with him as he has stated his stand and that the love for you is not strong enough to over come the fact that you don't get along with your mother.
You are not a terrible person or worthless . You don't have to agree or accept what people think or say.
You know who you are and what you are capable off and that is what counts.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (29 April 2010):
 Your boyfriend cannot expect that everyone shares his family experience. All mothers are not created equal: some are loving and nurturing, others are cold and critical. You happened to get the latter, yet you've survived and made something out of your self. Be proud of your accomplishments! Many others who are in your situation have not done as well as you have.
You are not a terrible person because of the way you feel about your mother. You have tried to reach out to her and gotten nothing but heartache and rejection for your efforts. Your mother sounds very unhealthy and it is your right to protect yourself from her negative influence.
This is what I do: I love my mother from a distance. Every day I forgive her for her shortcomings as a parent. I keep her in my prayers. I call her every few weeks to make sure she if okay. Nevertheless, I limit my contact with her out of a sense of self-preservation and I do not feel guilty for setting these boundaries. I had to take her abuse as a child, but not as an adult.
Perhaps your boyfriend has a hard time conceptualizing abuse, but him calling you an awful person is abusive. What he said is not much different than the things your mother says to you, and no one should speak to someone they claim to love that way. You don't tolerate verbal abuse and put-downs from your mother and you don't need to take it from him, either. He really may not see how damaging his words are, but you have to stand up and make it known to him that you will not accept his judgment, especially because he hasn't lived your reality. If he can't be supportive, unfortunately there may not be a future for your relationship. You are a natural survivor, though, and you are lovable and deserving of love and respect.
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (29 April 2010):
 Your boyfriend sounds like a bit of a jerk to me. If he really cared for you he would be supporting you in not wanting to have anything to do with your mother and trying to draw you into his own family for love and support. I want you to read the book "Falling Leaves" by Adeline Yen Mah. I promise you it will help. You will cry but you will be left with the understanding that blood is NOT thicker than water and that there are some men out there who wont care about your family background.
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A
female
reader, merlyn846 +, writes (29 April 2010):
 Don't listen to them and explain to your boyfriend how horrible your mother is to you and don't hate her let those feelings go when you hate someone you're only hurting yourself relax stop thinking so much stay positive and maybe he just said that because he loves his mom very much and he can't understand because maybe he and his mom have a good relationship but just try to explain to him that your mother is mean to you and doesn't say nice things tell him that it hurts open up to him and this shouldn't be a reason not to get married and No you're not a horrible person and don't hate your mother you have to still love her she gave birth to you but you don't have to LIKE her don't stress yourself out Relax
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