A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 23 years old and my ex-boyfriend, whom I broke up with yesterday, is 26. I am considering calling him to reconcile/talk and am not sure if this is a good idea. My boyfriend is a wonderful man-- tender, very physically affectionate (borderline physically clingy, but I enjoy lots of affection), verbally appreciative, considerate and chivalrous (standing up when I return to the table at a restaurant), an excellent and heartfelt lover, and an industrious worker. He also does a lot of romantic things for me, like bringing me nice flowers from a florist or surprising me with a canoe trip and a picnic. We both enjoy fine dining, nice wine, hiking/the outdoors, growing vegetables, and being handy. But, to put it simply, he is a country boy and I am a city girl. I appreciate many of his "country" qualities, skills, and values. I think his simple, non-materialistic lifestyle is endearing; he has taught me a lot about what is truly important (family, loyalty, etc.). I think it's cool that he likes fishing and hunting, and can identify a fox, for instance, just by hearing it. In many way, his laid-back approach to life complements my "type-A" personality and grounds me.I am a high-achieving intellectual woman of upper-middle, maybe even upper, class background. I like nice things and luxury vacations, being productive, and a good challenge. I am constantly reading, learning, and researching. I do not eat processed foods and know a lot of about health and nutrition, and I strength train regularly. I am very organized. I vote and follow politics a bit. I do not watch much TV. I am very interested in cultural events; occasionally listen to NPR; love movies, music and documentaries, etc. Also, I have great hygiene, floss daily, don't wear much makeup, etc. He likes these qualities, although I am not sure he cares about my cultural interests or hygiene, and has no interest in voting (he didn't vote in the '08 election!).I broke up with this sweet, soulful man because he smokes pot a few times a week and drinks probably 6(!) cheap Keystone Lights a day. He doesn't seem to have as much energy, drive, and vitality as I do. He doesn't care much to get out of this mid-sized town, or perhaps does not know how. Also, he is lacking in some basic life skills and does things with less urgency than I do, and is not very self-motivated or at all ambitious (in other words, I also am bothered by the qualities that I appreciate for being opposite of mine). He is a food server, has no career ambition, and keeps tip money lying around or in a jar/drawer/shoebox until he deposits it in his bank account, rather than depositing it right away. He knows little about finance and has never had a credit card. His Dad borrows money from him (my boyfriend excuses it), as does his older brother, and he doesn't make them pay him back and just lets them have it. He has problems setting boundaries and being assertive. He can't grocery shop, and instead eats candy or takeout. He moved out of his parents' last year. He doesn't floss his teeth-- sometimes I have to ask him to please brush them. Doesn't keep up with haircuts, or seem to care if his beard line is straight. Says he wants to go to college, be healthy, and get in shape, but doesn't do it. Pretty sure he hasn't read a book since high school. Doesn't have a computer (or even an email address), watches a lot of TV... etc. etc. He took his mom with him when he decided to finally get a new/bigger bed 2 months ago-- we'd been sleeping on an old and dirty single mattress on the floor for months-- but still hasn't gotten a bigger comforter (he got sheets, however, but I went with him).Sometimes I think he is better than me because he knows that love and family are what is important in life, not material things, achievement, excitement, etc. He doesn't get worked up over things that I stress over. He listens to my nonsense and lovingly tolerates my shallowness and immaturity. Sometimes I notice myself taking on a parental role with him, as he can be quite boyish and passive. I'll start hanging up his clothes, cleaning his room, or trying to make a list of things he needs to buy.So what is going on here? Am I being too critical and nit-picky? Am I making a mistake by leaving a good, solid man? Is low self-esteem behind his drinking and overall passivity? What is it, if anything, that makes us incompatible? Is intellectual conversation/ stimulation very important? He does make me laugh. If I stay separated from him, will I ever be able to find a man who is as considerate, solid, tender, and masculine as he is, but also has the other qualities (responsible, cultured, very clean, healthy) I want? Are these qualities contradictory? I know he is sad because of some childhood neglect he experienced when his parents decided to house tons of foster children beginning when he was in 5th grade, eventually adopting 3 girls (she had always wanted girls).
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ambition, broke up, cheap, flowers, money, moved out, my ex, smokes Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, HelloooNurse +, writes (29 April 2010):
Have you ever heard the expression 'opposites attract?' This expression has proved to be very true in a lot of things. But, when does it get to a point where there are too many opposites? I am like you in many ways. Grew up upper middle class, great education, parents always provided everything I wanted and needed until I grew up and went on my own. There is NOTHING wrong with appreciating luxurious and fine things. Great hygiene, taking care of your body, and taking an interest in politics and world events is nothing to question. It honestly all boils down to what you're willing to tolerate. Ask yourself if you would be happy 20 years down the road, still picking up after him and smelling the residue of pot on him. Personally, the pot would be a deal breaker for me. I've never done drugs, never will, do not condone it, nor will tolerate it in someone I date. You are doing what you thought was right in the first place, what your gut was telling you to do. Something else to think about... You wondered if you'd ever find another man who posesses the same qualities you DID like about him. The answer: YES you will. You're 23 years old. Still very young. And there are billions of fish in the big blue sea! You just have to get out there, stop worrying about your ex, and throw out a few hooks. The right fish will come along! :) Good luck, girl!
A
female
reader, hpoco  +, writes (29 April 2010):
 I don't think you are being too picky, it sounds as though you two are very different people (and it also sounds like you are being pretty harsh on yourself, calling yourself shallow and immature, just because things that are important to you, aren't important to him). You might be able to find his lesser qualities charming right now, but what about when you have a great job in five years and you have to take him to meet your colleagues, or what about when you have kids and you need a real partner to help you (not a passive man who drinks daily). The future is something to think about.
But, at the same time, maybe you aren't ready to be broken up with him yet, and you want to give it more time. There is nothing wrong with hoping he will grow up, and waiting a little to see if that happens. If you are having second thoughts, then don't hesitate to call him. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Si Si  +, writes (29 April 2010):
 Dear girl...firstly, it is not a good idea to stay in a relationship through fear. {"If I leave will I find another good man..ect"] That is called staying through fear,and is a very bad idea.
Secondly you are not going with your intuition which I suspect is telling you that this won`t work..You are finding many, many excuses to overide your intuition.We ignore our gut feeling at our peril.
I have no doubt this man is a very nice man on many levels.All the things you describe,however he does not sound right for you.
Of course give and take are part of a good relationship,but you also can only be you,and he can only be he.He is not going to change and neither are you.Remember good things get better and bad things worse. In time you may well make each other deeply unhappy. You will keep losing respect for him,and he will come to resent you more and more. You will take on the role of the
correcting parent and he the sullen resentful child.Think carefully about this Is that what you want?
Perhaps some space would be a good idea for you both for awhile.Do not go back into the relationship however,by fooling yourself.. It will never be better that it is now,and will almost certainly worsen over time.
I wish you happiness
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (29 April 2010):
 Yes to be honest you are being a little picky. Good relationships need quite a bit of give and take to work. In your list of his faults the only thing that could be a potential problem is the pot smoking. As for the rest of it he doesn't need you to parent him, he's all grown up. Ease up you'll give yourself and ulcer with all your worrying :-)
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