A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys, please give me some advice. Iv been with my boyfriend nearly 2 years and about 6 months into our relationship I fell pregnant. I was on the pill at the time and think it must have happened due to a little tummy bug. I was head over heels in love with my boyfriend and would have been happy to have the baby. He however did not. Now abortion is against all my beliefs but he emotionally blackmailed me into it. He told me he wasn't gonna be with me if I had it and not only did this affect me because I loved him so much but because I was living with him and was halfway through uni and I wouldn't have been able to support the baby on my own. My family would also have been really dissapointed in me. My sister got pregnant at 16 and I wa the one they were always proud of for staying in education. My boyfriend promised me that when the time was right, when we were secure and able we would make a child. I hadn't known I was pregnant untill a month and I hadnt been looking after myself. So when we were ready and prepared we would make a baby. After much tears I let him push me into it. Yes I was stupid and weak and sacrificed my own morals for him. I regretted it the second that pill went down my throat. So a couple of weeks ago I brought the subject of kids up. He told me he wasn't even sure if he wanted kids with me and gave me a whole list of (BULLSH*T) reasons why i wouldn't be good enough to be the mother of his child. One for example being i don't like fish so the baby wouldn't be healthy. WTF. But leaving that I feel like he lied when he made them promises to get me to have an abortion. Something he knows I cry over almost every night . he knew I trusted him and loved him so he abused those to get what he wanted. On the one hand I guess it's a good job I'm not bringing up a child with such a spineless idiot, on the other hand since the abortion I'm just craving a baby :( I get so jealous seeing how happy new mums are :( I regret it so much and it's tearing me apart :(.... I feel like getting pregnant and telling him to f*ck off if he doesn't like it because he's not worth more than a Childs life and my happiness and morals :( please help how can I get over this. I do love my boyfriend but Iv lost all trust for him, and I can't stop wishing I has a baby :(
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abortion, jealous, the pill Reply to this Question
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male
reader, rivi  +, writes (13 December 2010):
First of all you DON'T 'love' him . I would say as you describe things you actually hate him and are still with him out of laziness / fear of loneliness or whatever : you basically need to leave him - maybe go back into student Dorm accomm if available and start making new friendships both boys and girls.
The abortion - whatever the rights and wrongs of it ( and I don't approve of late abortions but if it was early enough for the pill procedure frankly it's really just a blob of cells .... not really an 'unborn baby' at that stage ) has happened and cannot be undone.
So you have to move on but you clearly would benefit from professional post abortion counselling - maybe your school has a Counselling unit ? Or your Doctor's office ?
Find this help and use it : you really need it.
At least learn the lesson that the Pill doesn't always work and for the future insist on condoms as well as the Pill ( but not with this guy - you have to get away from him. If a student room is available for new years move out TODAY - you can stay at your parents ' till the dorm re-opens. )
Although he can be criticised for badgering you to have the abortion I have to say as a male that there was after all plenty of sense to his arguments : truth is neither of you was or even is ready financially to support a child . Plus he's now revealed he doesn't see you as suitable to be his kid's Mom. I can understand him promising anything to get you to agree the abortion while it was still early enough to do it with pills.
Accept the reality that the relationship you thought u had with him is in fact an insubstantial fa,cade. For your sake - and prob his for that matter - you need to split up; get the counselling; and move on, with new friends and graduation to look forward to......
Good luck.
Report back on yr progress.
A
female
reader, 21w +, writes (13 December 2010):
 Leave him. Finish the college. Those are the main things you can do now.
What done is done. Look forward, not back. Learn from your mistakes. Learn how to love yourself first. And do anything you do in life for yourself. Not your boyfriends, not to proof to your parents that you are the good girl. Do it for you.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 December 2010):
 Your boyfriend might have pressured you into having an abortion and blackmailed you into aborting or else he would have left you. However, you did it for your own reasons. You had your own motives.
You could have postponed college. You could have had the baby and filed for child support to help you support your child. You were also afraid of what your parents would think of you if they'd ever found out. Those are all your reasons, not his.
Bottom line - he may have been a complete and utter jerk. He may have blackmailed you and pushed as hard as he could for the abortion. However, it was YOUR choice. You had reasons for doing so that were apart from his pressure. You did it for your own survival and the preservation of your current life's path.
Case in point - this was 6 months into the relationship, but yet you've been with him for 3 years now? That means that you've been living with this for 2 1/2 years since the abortion. If you blame him so much, why are you still with him? Surely in the past 2 1/2 years you could have secured an alternate way to go through university without him.
I said all of that to say this. I do not judge you for having the abortion. That was a tough decision you had to make. But the bottom line is - you made it, and now you're living a lie for everyone else's sake. You keep the lie for your parents. You pretend to love your boyfriend. Someday, you will have to be true to yourself, or you will be stuck with this hell.
Do NOT get pregnant just to spite him or try to "undo" the last abortion. That's a horrible reason to bring a child into this world. Get away from him and put this all behind you. Accept your part in the decision, recognize that he is an immature callous poor excuse for a boyfriend, and stop living with him to support yourself.
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A
female
reader, harleygirl2010 +, writes (13 December 2010):
 I'm sorry that he did that to you. that was wrong on his part. I understand that you feel guilty and that's natural. My beliefs are the same as yours. I don't like abortion and only under extreme circumstances (such as the mother would die through the pregnancy) would it be ok, but most people believe it is ok. It just depends upon the person and their idea of when life is technically begun. I believe it's started at conception others will argue that. I wouldn't suggest going for a baby right now and wouldn't stay with the man who lied to you about having kids just to get what he wants. Just believe in yourself and a brighter future for yourself. You are strong and we all make mistakes that we regret, but we push threw to find the happy decisions. I hope that you can get through this. I hope this helps you.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (13 December 2010):
 I'm honestly pretty sorry that this happened to you.
Life sometimes teaches you awful lessons. There are many to learn here. I won't tell you this and that because I don't want to treat you as if I had told you such things would happen.
It is very normal that you're feeling this way.
You are strong enough to get over this, if you put your heart and mind to it. The baby won't be back again. Period. All you can do is carry on.
I would suggest you leave the man. I would also suggest you give yourself some time to get over this. And, never let anyone push you into doing anything ever again. But, most important, don't have a baby just because you lost one. That would be a terrible thing to do, against the baby, against yourself, and again the next young man you meet. DON'T GO THERE.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 December 2010):
 The feeling of regret is not going to be there for a long time. I'll promise you. No one pressured you. You did it for yourself and I admired your courage. You may feel this is the worst thing you did but in the future when you are with a more mature, financially steady man you would understand why you have to do what you did. Your body is craving what it lost, that's natural. Your boyfriend is the one who you don't want to have a baby with. Instead of comforting you he's pushing his own guilt onto you. I don't know if you are going to see him ever again but if you get to talk to him tell him to remember what he said to you. Tell him you will have a great life in front of you and you have no regrets of losing the baby, and him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): This guy sounds like a complete douche, you'd be well rid of him.
Seriously show him the door and tell him to enjoy his loneliness.
You CANNOT ever again let yourself be pressured into ANYTHING you do not wish to do. Yes, the Father's thoughts and desires need to be heard and taken into account (as he is 50 percent responsible for a child's creation, to ignore him be cause only you shall be carrying the child to term is selfish in the extreme) but ultimately, it will be the woman who the decision comes down to.
Unfortunately you chose to go completely opposite and ignore your own reservations and desires.
Both have to be taken into account and an informed decision made.
Though my beliefs are that abortion is to be the absolute last resort when ALL other avenues have been explored. And only if medically necessary.
Flynn 24
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