A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I were together over 3 years. 2 weeks ago he told me that he has nothing to offer me. He called himself a pathetic piece of shit that can't get off his ass and take care of stuff that needs to be taken care of. He said that he wants to take me out and do so many things but can't ever do them because he doesn't have the money. Over the last few months he's struggled with finding/keeping a job and some other issues. He went on to tell me that he's really depressed. He said he feels like his life is going nowhere and he thinks he's just dragging me down with him. He also said that I don't seem happy when I'm around him anymore, that I claim I want to be around him but when I get around him I'm not that happy and seem less interested than I used to be. He said he's lost and really has no idea which direction to go. Basically 2 weeks ago, after telling me all this, he just up and left me. Nothing's been said since. He just blurted all this out and disappeared. I'm so heartbroken.Why did he do this? How can someone do this after 3.5 years together? I was there when his mother passed away. We've been important people in each other's lives for some very big, traumatizing events. I'm just lost. How can he just up and walk away without a second thought? I've cried nonstop. I've went out with my girlfriend's, taken up new hobbies, but nothing's helped. I truly loved/love him and saw the good in him through everything. I'm hurting so bad. :(
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female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx  +, writes (20 January 2014):
 I believe from what you have said he is hurting just as much as you, and ontop of his depression to be honest I don't think he is in the right state of mind. He has gotten himself so wrapped up in his own problems it seems hes failed to see he has someone who can help him and loves him very much. Who knows if he will contact you again, I guess only time will tell, but I am pretty certain until he sorts out his own head he is just going to be one big ball of confusion and angst. Can I also suggest one thing? He is displaying really irrational behaviour which in my eyes is actually very worrying, is there anyone you think you could contact to talk to him? Like maybe a sibling, friend or family member of his? He needs some help and for him to go off the rails anymore than he already has would be terrible. Anyway I wish you the best of luck and may time heal any of your wounds, good luck x
A
female
reader, eri_sunshine  +, writes (20 January 2014):
A similar thing happened to me about a year ago. My boyfriend at the time was also depressed and so we ended our long term relationship- and I can tell you right now that it does hurt a lot, more than you think will be bearable, but it does get better. It gets so much better.He did the right thing for both of you- dating someone who is depressed is not an easy thing. It is NOT your fault and you did nothing wrong- he is dealing with personal issues and I believe it's hard to understand unless you have suffered from depression before, but it is not something that you can fix. He has to deal with it himself. Let me repeat: you have done nothing wrong. There is nothing wrong with you, and you are a beautiful person who is capable of more love than he is capable of right now. Give him time to work on his issues- don't contact him for a while and allow yourself to heal. Distract yourself, have fun, work on being the best you can be. It reopens the wound if you continue to contact him- I'm sure it was difficult for him as well, but he knows he needs to sort himself out. And if it's meant to be, it will be. In the future once he's happy perhaps your two can reconnect, become friends again or more. It could work out or you could meet somebody else. Whatever is meant to happen will happen, but don't push to contact him when you're both hurting. Wish you the best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for taking the time to reply to me. This is the worst feeling I've ever had in my life. I feel like I lost everything. I'm empty inside. I'm getting headaches from crying so much. I feel like my world ended 2 weeks ago. I've never been through this pain before. I've had other boyfriend's but he was my first true love. I never thought about what would happen if we split because I wanted to spend my life with him. I just want to fall asleep and not wake up until this pain is over. I can barely make it through the day.I haven't had a chance to talk to him about any of this. After he said what he did he told me he loved me and just "disappeared". He hasn't even been on facebook to delete me yet. He's just went missing. My girlfriend and I went by his house last night and he wasn't home. She got out and asked the neighbor (who'd never saw her before) if he'd saw Josh and he said, "no, not at all today" and said that he's still living next door. So, I know he's alive and that he just ran away. I feel like I'm standing here looking at the millions of pieces of my heart on the ground and no idea what to do. I'm devastated. I'm gonna be damaged after this.Will he ever come back? Will he ever want to try again? To talk to me? To see me? There's no closure, really. I mean I guess there is, but he just disappeared and that hurts so bad. Will he ever regret his decision? Is he hurting at all? Does he care?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2014): He did what's best for both of you. Right now your love may come across more like pity. He isn't feeling good enough about himself to care about you. It only makes him feel more of a failure. Being out of a job has a devastating effect on people. It lowers the self-esteem and sense of value. He is struggling financially, and your presence is even more of a burden; because he can't do the things a man normally does for his girlfriend. He doesn't want charity and he can't handle the burden of holding on to you without having a sense of self-pride and his own income.
Sorry for your pain; but if he let go, your holding one will make it more difficult for him. Don't get it in your head to support him. That isn't the right thing to do. He has to see his own way through this. Relationships function best when both people within it are happy and fully functional. He will not be able to offer you joy; he would only fill you with pity for his circumstances. He apparently has chosen he would rather not have that.
Your best option is go through your emotions until you are
able to move on. Detaching is rough and agonizing; you'll just have to do it. He didn't break up with you out of the blue, this was always hanging over your relationship. You held on in spite of the possibility. He's dealing with other issues in addition to his unemployment.
Even marriages break under this sort of pressure.
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female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (19 January 2014):
I am really sorry to hear that you are going through so much pain and feel really hurt, but anyone who just came out of a 3.5 year relationship will do.
You seem to of followed all the right steps in order to recover, which is brilliant as many people go into a ball of a self pity and cease to even get outside or try and embrace their lives without there partner.
It sounds to me as if your partner feels he can't do anything to please you and has let you down in all aspects of life. Of course for you it must of been hard to hear, but ask yourself, is this something he has brought on all himself or do you feel that he doesn't please you anymore or your interest of him has gone down?
Its obvious hes very depressed and of course feels in-adquate not just as a boyfriend but probably as a human being too, its really sad to see someone think so low of themselves, especially when you love them.
It appears he does love you very much, because hes got himself down because he feels he can't give you what in his eyes you may deserve, and maybe he feels that leaving you will make you more happier and give you a chance to find someone who can afford to treat you.... this of course is what he thinks and if it isn't what you think you need to let him know this.
He needs some help and if you feel he is wrong about thinking this you need to let him know, and tell him if he feels he needs a break from this relationship to sort his life out then thats okay, but to ease your mind and maybe even ease his, you need to talk and discuss where the relationship is going and if there is anyway he can see past what he thinks and understand that you love him more than anyone.
Maybe meet up somewhere, if you would find it easier to talk in public then do that, but if not maybe invite him to your flat and just sit and talk about whats going to happen from here.
If he ignores you then you will have to accept that he isn't ready to talk and if he doesn't get back to you within a month, then you will have to just try and put him to the back of your mind, if he also feels he can't get back with you, then you will have to try your best to move on, as after all sometimes things can only be healed by time.
Good Luck x
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