A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ive been with my boyfriend flr ober a year. Were quite serious and are currently living together and saving for a new home. Were very much in love and generally get along great.The thing is its my masters graduation this week.I got 3 tickets, one each for my parents, one forhim. Hes studying for a phd so works at home. He said this weekend that he wasnt going to come to my graduation as he had booked to go on a course. I explained how it meant a lot to me and how i would really like for him to be there. He said he didnt realise thatit was so important to me but that he would try his best to get out of his course so he can come. He then tells me tonight that he cant come to my graduation because hes going away for the day with his friends. To be honest the day away is associatedwith his research. But he could go anytime.Hes gotten out of his course but has prioritised this above me graduating. I'm really upset and not sure how to handlethe situation. What should i do? And what do you think this means? Does he really care about me? Or is he justtoo selfish? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2014): Neither me nor my wife went to each others graduations, except one, I went to her degree one because it was a convenient time and I didn't know how long, boring and shit they'd be. She had three, degree, masters and Phd. I had just the one and after enduring her one I didn't expect her to do the same for me.
Graduations are the most dull, annoying things I've ever had to attend, the only thing as bad is mass.
To me it means nothing that he's not attending other than he doesn't care about graduations, sitting there for two hours while people make speeches and the another hour standing there while you wander off congratulate everyone and take pics, then onto the boring meal or whatever you have planned with your parents afterwards. I didn't need to spend 4 hours bored to be proud of my wife's achievements and neither of us really are the "I need people to pat me on the back for my achievements and pose in pics" kind of people.
I mean you said it yourself he had no idea it was important to you.
Look just tell him how important this is, that it's a very big deal that he goes and you want him there for it. He'll probably go if you make it an obligation, and if you're not willing to make it an obligation for him then don't complain about him not wanting to go.
Not everyone cares about graduating. For example me and the missus only care about the exam results in the final semester and knowing whether we passed. We did however both go to each other's grad's balls because they were great fun and a chance to properly celebrate with their classmates and stuff.
We literally made a bigger deal out of results nights than the actual graduation.
Instead of getting worked up about this tell him it's so important to you that you want him to cnacel everything else, or you could make a compromise and get him to go to the grads ball instead.
OP this isn't about your importance, it's about the importance of the graduation ceremony. He doesn't care about it and probably doesn't understand just how important to you it is and all the mad questions that are going through your brain.
As far as being selfish, you both are. If you weren't being a bit selfish you'd respect his decision not to attend, but you want him there. if he wasn't being a bit selfish then he'd just go and spend the 4 hours grating boredom, being ignored and forced to smile in shitty pictures.
Neither of you are right or wrong here, it's just a difference in opinion. If you make it an obligation he'll definitely go, so just make it that if it's that important.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 July 2014):
 It means he does not want to get stuck all day at something so boring, WITH your parents to entertain in conversation too.
Selfish ? Yes. Everybody is selfish . Aren't you selfish too in wanting him to sacrifice his spare and precious free time for something so not enjoyable, and when you already have your parents to see you ?...
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (8 July 2014):
 Did you give him ample time to be aware of your Graduation date?
My girlfriend chose me out of all her friends and family to see her Graduate Interstate... I was one of three. It was an absolute Honour, to date I am very proud of her achievement... she had to sacrifice a great deal, work part-time, raise a child and travel 2 hours to those classes for years in order to receive that piece of parchment! Surely I could travel 1800kms and be there?
I would think your boyfriend who he himself is studying for a PhD would understand the hours and the social sacrifice it takes in order to graduate!?
His research as you say can be done anytime... Your day of Graduation is set for one day only!
He needs to take a seat next to your Parents and show his support, and applaud your excellent achievement!
It may well be boring and a long drawn out traditional procession, granted, but if he can’t sit still, he is being selfish not to prioritise you. Considering he’s someone your building a life with, I think it fair he attends, so just talk with him again.
Congratulations – CAA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2014): My cousin just graduated last week and her parents said it was VERY long, drawn-out and quite frankly, dull.
So, would some boyfriends go and support you? Yes, but not all, by any means.
If this is SUPER important to you, you could break up with him - but I'd only advise that if he does it regularly....
Out of curiosity, do you KNOW 100% that there was a course he had to be on?
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (8 July 2014):
It means graduations are incredibly boring and he doesn't want to sit through it. Yes it's a little selfish, but don't read too much into it.
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