A
female
age
36-40,
*aniarox
writes:Hi.... I am in a bit of a situation. I am 25 years old and had a number of long term relationships. I have been in a relationship with this one guy for the past year and a bit and i think it got to a point where it is abusive. We have done a lot of nasty things to each other and somehow still claim to love one another. From the beginning, he has had a very very very bad temper saying very hurtful things. At the same time i know for a fact he loves me but he is unstable. I have tried to leave many many times before and somehow i keep going back to him. i am an independent person but for some reason i cant seem to let go. Two things have happened recently which never happened before. One is he pushed me, not to harm me (well at least i'd like to think that), but he pushed me in a heated argument as i was blocking his way. The second is he left me in another city where we both worked and asked me to find myself a way home. He has messaged me half an hour before work ended to ask if i need a ride home but by that time i already made arrangements. he snaps very easily, he is very very insulting and at times verbally abusive, punches walls and doors and steeing wheels, he yells and is passive aggressive, he likes to play mind games with me and then find a reason to flip (at the same time telling me i play games), i always have to be very careful and somehow he always claims i am the reason for triggering these reactions. We were supposed to move in together but i could not do it. We picked the home and everything but i asked that we also keep a side apartment just in case. He didn't take that too well. He left and said he was done (which happened 4 times in the past month and half) and i said ok. The next days\ the flowers and msgs started coming in. I do not know what to think or believe anymore. he knows he has a problem. he has been beaten up regularly by his police step father as a child and is very scarred by what has happened. His father walked out on his mother at a very young age and married the mistress with which he had children and is still with till current day. He has huge abandonment issues and is very very very insecure. I also partially take blame for that as at the beginning of the relationship i did not want him. he has my passwords for my fones and emails and facebook and everything else in an attempt to make him feel secure but the rage still goes on and i am seriously scared. I know he trully is sorry and i know he is not happy being this way and that he wants to change. i also know he is very unstable and that tomorrow he might think a completely different thing than today and i also do not think he is proactive in solving these problems. he loves blaming others for what is happening and he is agitated as a person. i get put down a lot and he keep finding things that are wrong with me. he can be amazing when he wants to be but cannot control his rage. Despite all this i love him but i need to make some decisions regarding my future and i am torn apart. Everyone is telling me to leave him because he has done this over and over and over again, and recently it just got worse. Do you think anger management would work? what should i do? i am so confused, i do not want my current decisions to haunt me for the rest of my life. i have never been treated this way by any man before and i also do not come from an abusive family. I am an educated person with a post graduate degree and a very well paid job.... although the same age he has not finished high school he wants to start his university and feels terribly emasculated by me. I come from a family where the woman and the man are equal, my father died when i was very young and my mother is my role model as she struggled to build my future and make me who i am today. That seems to bother him.....please help!
View related questions:
facebook, flowers, insecure, mistress, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess  +, writes (5 July 2012):
 One thing you need to understand, is that he is not your responsibility. It doesn't matter how much you feel the need to help him, HE is the one who has to help himself.
And yes, all women claim that their abusive man would never hurt them.....and then we he finally does, they go into some sort of denial, and tell themselves he didn't really mean to, and he'll never do it again, or that is was THEIR fault.
You're already showing signs of this by saying that some of his anger is your fault. YOU are not responsible for how he reacts to things. He is an adult, his behavior is his and his alone. DO NOT accept blame for his temper tantrums.
A
female
reader, Raniarox +, writes (5 July 2012):
Raniarox is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThnank you so much for your answers....i often tend to think that maybe i am the abnormal one and maybe i am the cause of his actions....but than i look around me and no one has ever done that to me before. he has stolen memory cards from my fones so he can check who i talk to etc etc etc....one thing that bothers me is this...as a teenager i went through therapy cuz well i had a bit of a culture shock as i change parts of the world. I am of mixed race mixed religious and mixed cultural backgrounds. After my dad died, i lost control and if my mother was not there to guide me, i would've turned out quite messed up. so i've done everything i could to pull myself together. Unlike him though i often blamed myself for everything that was happening to the world, i always felt i wasn't good enough. He somehow puts forward this arrogant " i am the best" image. my point is i somehow feel responsible to help him out, coz no one was actually really there for him.....i have definitely contributed to some of his blow outs however i think there's no excuse to behave like that.....i don't think he would be capable to hurt me hurt me (or does every woman say that until it happens?). He has a good heart, he is giving, he adores animals, he's always always always there for me. he has never made me feel insecure abt being with other women,i've always been his priority...he always appreciates the things i do for him...even if my cooking is rubbish he would always praise it...so i really don't know what to think.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 July 2012):
 I got my man a tee shirt that says "i flunked anger management" everyone thinks it's funny but it's really true....
he has abandonment issues
he has mother and family issues
he has abuse issues
he's got a hair trigger temper.
IF you stay with this man the possibility exists that he may kill you in anger and then where would his apology for losing his temper go?
I am a mature woman with a good job and can support myself easily. I am with a man much like the one you describe.
IF you can get out DO IT.
...............................
A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (5 July 2012):
It doesn't matter how sorry he says he is, he isn't doing anything to change the behavior. This is a very toxic relationship, and you need to be free of it. It is very unhealthy for you, and as long as you stay with him, you are enabling him to continue the behavior.
So far, he has no reason to change, and until he can take some personal responsibility and stop blaming everyone else for bis actions, he isn't going to change.
You need to leave, and he needs therapy and some anger management.
...............................
|
