A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a major problem. My boyfriend is 4 years younger than me (he just turned 20) and is SO insecure! I havent cheated on him yet from the very beginning he's accused me of it. He always says sorry when we fight about it, and that hes just insecure because I'm beautiful and people hit on me. And cause I'm his first love. He buys me all kinds of stuff and says sweet things to me. He's really nice to me. Besides the accusing words or the accusong tone of voicw every day. We fought the other day because I had (sorry TMI) but a little white discharge in my panties. I explained to him its natural for women yet he continued to be a major jerk insinuating I cheated on him as usual. I cant walk outside without him behind me just "wanting to spend time with me". He's so sweet in other ways but this last time with fought over the panties, I went freaking crazy. I snapped under his thumb finLly and just went on a breaking spree in the house. Im so fed up. Can I help him somehow? Or is this a dead end street?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2015): Wow your boyfriend sounds just like me . I too am insecure in my relationship with my man, he told me that I was pushing him away just like you said you're not into him anymore so I decided I needed to work on myself and my insecurities. Talk to him and tell him how you feel and that its pushing you away.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 August 2015):
 Get. Out. Now.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 August 2015):
 Do you two live togehter?
If so, you NEED to work on getting out and away.
I GET that he is your best friend, but it's NOT a healthy friends OR relationship.
As for him hurting himself to get you to stay - manipulation. Pure and simple. He KNOWS you don't want to see him hurt, so he will put on a show that makes you think... it's YOUR fault he got hurt or will hurt himself. IT IS NOT. IT is his OWN choice and his OWN fault.
And I get that you care deeply, no matter how messed up this is. But the longer you stay, the worse it will get. YOU can not fix him. You can not change him.
He NEEDS to figure these things out himself and while you are there you are ENABLING his behavior. You are basically saying: " No matter how crass you are or how bad you treat me, I'll stay. I will be miserable, but I will stay. YOU are more important than me."
That is NOT love.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe argue all the time! He says its because i dont say "i love you"and he does. I dont feel ready to say it! So therefor im not giving him and "emotional bond". When he wants to "talk" aka argue and all that and I walk away, he restrains me, he's pulled my hair and bit me before but has never hit me. I tried leaving once and he stabbed himself & totaled our truck. Says he cant live without me. He was one of my best friends for so long. I never seen this coming. He says he knows he has a problem and is working on it but ive heard it so many times. I dont even wanna have sex with him. He doesnt turn me on anymore. And it makes him mad. I try to pretend im into it but i think he sees through it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 August 2015):
YIKES!
Insecure or not the boy has a few loose wiring there. Someone who CONSTANTLY accuses their partner of cheating DO NOT trust their partner. So HE doesn't trust you AT all. WIthout trust.. you don't have much to build this relationship on.
Checking your panties? EWW WTF? that is just ... disgustingly wrong. And it shows another fact about him, HE IS also IGNORANT when it comes to women's bodies.
Buying you things and saying sweet nothings doesn't make him a good guy.
He is young, but has a sense of entitlement to YOUR body, like you are his possession, not his GF. And that is not a good thing.
Accusing you of cheating IS verbal abuse and it WILL escalate.
And the controlling behavior? that will escalate too.
Him being insecure? NOT an excuse for his behavior.
You can't fix him, only he can and only if he accepts that his behavior is not OK (which I doubt he will).
Honey, don't settle for a guy who treats you like like that, no matter WHAT kind of lovely presents and pretty apologies he parts with.
And you... need to learn to control yourself. Breaking stuff ? You are not 5 years old. If he act like that, you walk away, and KEEP walking. You go home or tell HIM to leave.
If you are any kind of smart, you end it with him. He needs to GROW the heck up.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (12 August 2015):
 Wait what? He's checking your panties?! WHY??? This is one the most ridiculous things I've ever heard and not just on DC!
Sweetie this guy is seriously and I mean *seriously* insecure and spells nothing but trouble. Get out of this relationship immediately. He'll be very nice to you otherwise and will give in to your every whim but that's all just his way of making sure you don't leave him because he's an obsessive lover. These are serious warning signs. Get out NOW or you'll regret it forever.
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (12 August 2015):
 You cant help him no matter how you reassure him or how many times. Its his issue. Stop seeing him until you feel his confidence is higher.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2015): "Can I help him somehow?"No."Or is this a dead end street?"Worse.He's exhibiting the classic signs of a controller and potential abuser. He's luring you in by sweet-talking you and giving you presents with the ulterior motive of breaking you down so you will bend to his will. He's constantly accusing you of cheating to put you on the defensive so you'll get in the habit of accounting for every second. You could plant a GPS in your vagina and he still wouldn't be placated. It's not an issue of trust, it's an issue of control. And BTW most guys who accuse their girlfriends/wives of cheating are very often cheaters themselves."He buys me all kinds of stuff and says sweet things to me. He's really nice to me. Besides the accusing words or the [accusing] tone of [voice] every day." Don't let your ego and vanity override your good judgement and common sense. He's never going to change and if you're dumb or desperate enough to cling to this relationship then it will only get worse. If he can't get is way by controlling you verbally then he very likely will resort to attempting to control you physically. Don't ignore the HUGE red flags. Dump him and get him out of your life NOW!!!!!
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A
male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (12 August 2015):
 Hi sorry about what you go through with him. He is still immature and doesn't understand a lot. How you put up with him is beyond me unless the sex is really really really good.I used to be like that but struck out with so many chicks that I took the time off of women and dating to figure out the problem. He is not ready for a young mature lady and you have many more fights to come. What about when you have candid or a yeast infection what will he think do or say? How will he handle it and what immature things will he do or say to make you feel awful about a perfectly natural thing?And this insecurity thing of his won't go away any time soon because when you are not with him he'll constantly worry about other guys checking you out about whether they are better looking or funnier than him etc etc.You snapping at him was perfectly fine and more is yet to come. If you love him and want to be patient as he gets himself together is ok, but you're gonna be in for a rough ride.You know he also needs a life with his own friends and own activities instead of constantly being needy. He's gonna turn you off completely! Wish I could speak to him before it's too late.But alas the choice is yours regarding the direction this relationship takes and how long it lasts. All the best.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (12 August 2015):
 The only person who can help him is himself.
What is he doing looking inside your panties for discharge? WTH is that all about?
This is a dead end street, he is controlling and abusive. There are no excuses for his behaviour, none at all, ask yourself if you are willing to put up with this absolute crap for the rest of your life, because if you don't leave now that is what will happen.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2015): My boyfriend has been the same way for two years. It doesn't get better so you have to choose if you can deal with it forever.
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