A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:This situation is very complicated. Myself and my partner have been together and split up again several times in the past. Each time we split up we have got back together and this time I am totally ready to put 100% into making our relationship work because I am sick of running. Last week he asked me if I was in this for the long haul and I said yes, however I feel as if he is putting an animal in front of me. His sister was looking after his dog and now wants him to take it to live with him. I am afraid of any dog but the most friendliest ones. This dog has a vicious streak, he says that she wont bite, but the dog has to have a muzzle on it just to go for a walk. I met the dog for the first time last monday and had to hide in the kitchen and be gradually introduced to it. I succeeded in entering the same room as it and actually managed to stroke it, while I had its lead in my hand, but then his sister took the lead and put it on the dog. Once this happened the dog tried to go for me again. I have been specifically told that I cannot touch my partner when the dog is around, that means I cannot kiss him, hug him etc once that dog goes to live with him. He has told me that I should give the dog another chance but I feel that I wouldnt be safe near it. I dont know if I can be in a relationship where affection cannot be shown because that is an important part of a relationship to me, I am even beginning to question whether we have a future together. I have known fear previously at the hands of an ex partner, but to ruled by fear by a dog is something I am unsure that I can handle. I know if i give him an ultimatum of me or the dog he will choose the dog because I have hurt him in the past. What do I do? I have thought about getting him to come to see me but I know that he will have to go home to his dog so I wont be able to sleep in his arms again. I really cant see a way forward, please help me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with you 100% Cerebus, it took me a long time to come to some sort of understanding of how I could possibly have done the dirt on him on a head level, on a gut level I never have accepted it fully, as I just don't see it as being possible.
The latest development is that he dumped me again because I wouldn't do everything he wanted me to and then he tried to blame me on it, because I wouldn't dump my best friend of almost 30 years.
Now I am out and through counselling and the help of my best friend I want to stay out, I realise that to do so involves no contact whatsoever, as I honestly believe he is what can be described as a narcissist and I am tired of him feeding of my positivity until I have nothing left to give.
The good person I believed him to be, was what he first showed me 18 years ago and I have been unable to find this good side ever since. I may have been the one who left him all those years ago but it was after I had discovered that his ex wife had got a barring order and fled to the opposite side of the country, for whatever reason.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2012): "I didnt realise that to him I was doing the dirt on him"
Because you weren't, the 'dirt' is cheating OP and it's not cheating if you're not with him. If you're broken up then you're free to do as you wish. Those are the rules, and he doesn't get to change them to fit his needs, especially if he was the one who dumped you OP because he then has no right to tell you (not that he had anyway) whether you can or can not move on nor get pissy with you for trying to do so. That's not up to him OP, you were single and doing what a single person does which is whatever the hell you like. He can't just say it's over and then turn around and call you a fool for believing it, what kind of crazy person does that? He let you believe that for at least 4 months.
OP a picture is starting to form of this guy not being very nice at all.
He dumps you for a minimum of four months in which you started seeing another guy, he then starts to tell you that you did the dirt on him "to him" when everyone else will tell you that's a load of horseshit. He has a dangerous breed of dog who he has either trained to be an insecure, vicious beast or it has learned that from its alpha of the pack, him and he thinks you're the one how has to adapt to suit the dog? Of course it's not the dogs fault OP, they only do what we teach them to do, he's the problem here.
Let me guess, the whole 100% thing you mention at the start of the post, this didn't come about in the sense that he's willing to "forgive you" (even though you did nothing wrong) if you promise this time you'll give 100%? Basically if you're a good girl then he'll allow you to be with him?
Christ OP if this is the kind of man he is and if all your break ups involved this many head wrecking games you must be worn out from it all.
Maybe it's time you put any idea of a relationship with this guy, friendship, acquaintance, to bed once and for all. As I said before if it didn't work the 700,000 times you tried before it never will and seeing as you keep going back to him maybe he needs to be removed completely from your life so you can move on.
Food for thought OP.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to clarify that I hurt him by going out with someone four months after we were finished before. I didnt realise that to him I was doing the dirt on him, he had told me it was over and I believed him.
Apart from that I would like to say thank you to everybody, it is my own fear that I am finding very hard to overcome, so it isnt all the dogs fault.
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reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (24 August 2012):
 I am a dog lover and I love BIG breeds.... they need very strong owners... Strong in personality not body wise.
I agree totally with Cerberus..
For what it's worth OP, I love my dogs... BUT my fiance is very allergic to them and he's also a bit afraid of them.
I had two dogs. A large poorly socialized rescue that required kid gloves and needed to not be around anyone who was afraid of dogs because it made him even more skittish. (I got him as an undersized 9 month old "pup" who weighed 80 pounds and needed to be taught how to walk steps, and be not afraid of toilet's flushing) I got rid of him before my fiance even came to my house the first time, he was that terrified... But he tried with the other dog who was only about 65 pounds and very gentle and loving.... his allergies almost killed him.
I got rid of my 125 Landseer he's living on a farm with a family with small kids and has adopted the mom as his owner much to the dismay of the dad....
my pit bull mix (who is very gentle and loving and a huge goof) is with my former SIL and is being loved and adored and well cared for.
I can visit them any time I want and get frequent updates from both owners on them.
I know many dogs lovers are shocked that I gave up my dogs for a person... but to me if there is a safe wonderful place for them to be happy and I can be happy and my partner can be happy, well then I'm going for that option.
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 August 2012):
 Cerberus gave you a great answer.
I feel bad for you ... and the dog. This is no life for a dog.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2012): I have to disagree with the volunteer dog trainer OP. I'm a registered breeder and I wouldn't even be friends with a person who has their dog so poorly socialized or actually trained to be that over-protective, that's the mark of a lazy or asshole owner.
OP if this a restricted breed that is required to have a muzzle on when going for walks then it's a breed that has to be carefully selected from a responsible breeder that has a good temperament of dog. They're the most important types of dog to socialize and train too and frankly OP it's owners like him that are responsible for giving those breeds a bad name. He's either trained it to be too protective and vicious or he's just been too lazy in selecting it or training it.
Now the biggest reason I think the lady before me is wrong is simple. She likes dogs, she can handle them and as a trainer she knows to be assertive enough to be the alpha to even the most unruly of dogs. The combination of you being scared and unknown to this dog is very bad combination given that it is a restricted breed. Understand that if this was one of my dogs you'd have very few problems and the worst problem is that they climb all over you looking for you to play with their toy and smother you affection but even then they'd find little ways to assert their dominance because they will sense your nervousness. Dogs are pack animals and generally look to assert themselves in their pack.
OP when a dog first gets to know a new person depending on their temperament and breed they will try and assert dominance to see where you fit in to the pecking order. It's not unusual for a dog to this by growling and snapping at you, even my very gentle, playful dogs will snap at each other when protecting a toy for example their intention is to basically say "piss off this is my toy" and none of my dogs have ever had an inclination to bite nor ever have bitten anyone. The same can't be said of a dog like your boyfriends, a dominant snap or growl can lead a very serious injury with dog on the restricted list. It may not intend anything but a warning but there is a reason why they have to muzzled in public, you've seen what happens in news stories when a dog with vicious streak gets pissed off.
She is right about the kids thing, I would never choose anyone over my dogs but I wouldn't have a dangerous breed with a bad temperament and expect a potential partner to have to completely train herself to accept that dog. That's not fair at all.
Now you can go to a trainer, spend time and money training yourself and hope you get over you fear enough to be assertive enough to be able to handle this dog. That's what you'll have to attempt if you want to end up living with this dog but I have to warn you OP, dogs have moody days too. They have days where they can be grumpy and pissed off and a dog who already shows this level of over-protectiveness it can have horrible consequences and you not only get injured but that dog gets put down and no one wins.
You can do one wrong thing and it will snap and it can be something as menial as you putting your face too close to theirs showing some affection, rubbing them while they're asleep or sitting on the same couch as them and disturbing them, something you've done lots of times before.
All my dogs without exception hate having their sleep disturbed, my male will actually look up quickly and give you a quick growl if you disturb him but that's it, he will just get up then and find another place to lie, now if it's one of my younger bitches he will actually snap at them because he's higher in the pecking order but he never actually bites, just a warning. OP even a person who is confident with dogs can be caught out by a restricted type and it only takes one mistake.
I would honestly not do it if I were in your position at all. I mean I love German Shepherds, staffies etc. and have friends who have them who I helped them select from other breeders I know and from shelters. They're the sweetest, loveliest dogs well socialized to the point where they don't even get their backs up at other dogs barking at them and they just love people but are trained well enough not to jump all over them looking for affection.
The choice is your OP but I wouldn't advise it given your predisposition to dogs, the fact that this dog is poorly trained and is a restricted breed.
But most of all OP, "Myself and my partner have been together and split up again several times in the past." this in my experience is a relationship that is never going to work. How many times does it have to fail for you to realize that? Sure you probably have a 100 reasons for each break up and a 100 justifications as to why you tried it again and your reason now is just as superficial. I don't care what your reasons are or whether it was you who broke it off because you were wild or not ready or any of that stuff. If you broke up once I'd say yeah maybe it's redeemable but on/off relationships never work out. I mean you're already finding another reason to bail out of this relationship and this time it's a dog.
OP what is it about you or this guy that you can't let go? What is about this guy that no matter how many times you try and fail with him, you keep going back to try. You're in your 40's now and you're still flogging this dead horse and convincing yourself that this time it can work because you're ready to give 100%. OP I've never had to try and give 100% in any of my good relationships, I've never had to try and make any of my good ones work, they naturally did.
The only ones I had to try, or work at were ones that were just not really any good. I certainly never had an on/off relationship with a person I was compatible with because neither of us had any reason to leave until the final break up. I've known couples do the on/off thing for years and decades, you know what I've learned not only do they not work but they're very taxing, it's constant fight to make things work and it only works for a little while because they go through this constant cycle of initial passion being back together and the warm glow of a new honeymoon period buoyed by the idea that this time it will work only for things to calm down and they break up again. They just never see that if two people have any chance in the long term then no matter what reasons they wouldn't have broken up in the first place.
You need to ask yourself some serious questions OP, but mainly why it is that you find yourself completely unable to move on from this guy and what makes you think this time will be any different, you've already tried so many times and it didn't work. I honestly think you're fooling yourself and you're already subconsciously looking for an out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2012): I am a volunteer dog trainer at animal shelters so this comes from my knowledge of dogs.
The dog can and will acclimate to you and learn to accept you and even like you. But you have to do things the right way to make this happen. And you have to give the dog time to adjust - dogs, like people, take time to adjust to changes and new people. Basically you want the dog to associate only positive things with you, and really positive at that too. That means that every time you go to your bf's house you bring food and treats with you and give them to the dog, extra nice treats that she doesn't get from anyone else (not even your bf). In addition, you can be the one to feed the dog her meals.
In time she will accept you. This won't happen over night, it may take weeks or months. So this is a good way for you to demonstrate to your bf that you are committed to this relationship, which is to do this and stick with it.
Then if you and your bf want to hug, it's normal for dogs to want to monopolize their owner's attention even if they like you. Then here is where your bf needs to learn to establish firm but positive boundaries with her, e.g. teach her to go to her blankie and lie down there with a nice treat or bone to chew on when you and your bf want to snuggle on the couch. He has to teach her that when you and him are spending time together, it's a positive thing for her because she gets stuff that she likes. But that comes later, after the dog has accepted you.
But it's not just the dog who has to learn to accept you. YOU must also learn to accept the dog. If you want your relationship to work, you need to push yourself past your comfort zone and make a serious ongoing effort (not just a one-time effort) to do this. Demanding your bf give her up, is highly insensitive. Pets are so important to the people who have bonded with them. To want your bf to give up the dog, would be very cruel to both of them. For many people their dogs are almost like their kids. You would not ask him to give up his kid because you didn't like her, would you? He will resent you if he does give his dog up and that resentment will be the undercurrent of this relationship. And he might not even give her up either - he might very well tell you to leave if you don't like her.
If you give your bf the ultimatum of choosing you or the dog, that's you being lazy and saying you don't acknowledge how important his dog is to him and want to work on this relationship you just want him to accommodate you without you doing the same for him. And of course he will choose the dog since in the past you have hurt him a lot whereas his dog hasn't. To him, she is the simplest least complicated relationship he has, one that has unconditional love and is fun and rewarding so why should he give that up for a whiny demanding gf, right??
so if you want to keep him you and demonstrate that you're committed to working on this relationship then YOU need to push yourself to accept his dog. Not to do so, would be showing your bf that you're not committed and that you dont' care about him and what matters to him.
You may always have a fear of dogs and that's OK. Realistically, you probably will never become as much of a dog lover as your bf no matter how hard you try. But you don't need to. you don't need to get over your fear of all dogs, just HIS dog. That's not so hard if you work at it and give it time. And you don't need to become best friends with her either, you just need to learn to live with her in harmony.
I suggest you call a dog trainer for some help, maybe just one or two sessions is all that's needed. Some humane societies will offer training help, they dont' want dogs to be abandoned and homeless because the owners' girlfriends demanded the owner give up the dog. So they will be only too happy to work with you to help you and the dog learn to live together peacefully.
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reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (24 August 2012):
 I completely understand your fear of dogs and I do think it's a bit ridiculous for your boyfriend to say you cannot touch or go near him in front of the dog...if the dog is so sensitive/agressive then your boyfriend needs to realise that it's very unreasonable for you to be comfortable with the dog.
That said, dogs can be trained and there are ways to overcome this fear, maybe by taking the dog to training classes or socialising yourself to the dog over a period of time so it might be worth taking a positive step to incorporate the dog into both your lives if you want your relationship to work.
If your boyfriend isn't open to this suggestion then he isn't really serious about making your relationship work is he? You say you are 100% ready to make things work...but is he?
Both of you need to be 'on board' where the success of the relationship is concerned and that means compromise. He should be allowed to keep his dog, you should still be able to enjoy closeness and both things are possible with a little work and compromise.
Your relationship seems to have deeper issues if there is a 'history of hurt' from your side in the past. Forgive me for saying so but stating that you 'won't be able to sleep in his arms again' is a seriously negative and damning statement...I guess this would only be so if you didn't work out some compromise over the dog...so there is the solution...dog/people training class and slowly building up some sort of relationship with the dog...I think that's what I would do...
But if you cannot overcome your fear, you know in your heart that he is going to choose the dog over you so maybe it's a bridge too far and time to end things and move on.
Hope you find a way through.
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reader, agonyauntsanonymous +, writes (24 August 2012):
Ppl like your bf can be annoying. I have rehabilitated dogs, horses, birds, etc and the worst thing you can do is live your life around your pet. If your animal isnt balanced you have to teach them and help them to be. He needs to lay down the law, chances are the dog is possesive and his owners arent helping. He needs to get him a behaviorist. And you being scared is exactly what the dog "wants." he is alpha in his world and he is incharge of you your bf and everyone around him. Get him a behaviorist. Its the only way.
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