A
female
age
30-35,
*arawr
writes:Last night, we had around 20 people over for a New Years party, and I was trying to fall asleep a little later in the night. I was nearly asleep when someone ran to the bathroom (which is right outside of my room) to inform his girlfriend that my boyfriend was flashing his penis around out in the garage.I understand that it was a joke, but I have told my boyfriend time and time again to not do that. It goes against my values for him to show any private part of his body to anyone but me (or a doctor, of course). I've been with him for 3 years, and every time he has done it, it's always, "I'm sorry. It'll never happen again."He came to the room, and I asked him, "So... did you do anything that I'd be upset to hear about?" He said he didn't, then I said, "Oh, really? _____ (the guy who ran to the bathroom) claims you were waving your **** around."Then he says, "Oh, yeah. Sorry. I wasn't thinking."Now, I've put up with this type of stuff for 3 years, so I got kind of mean and said, "Well, start ****ing thinking! There's no more ****ing 'sorries!' I'm tired of putting up with this ****... ****ing whore..."After I called him a whore, he rushed out of the room and went outside to throw a little hissy fit.I'm so confused on what I should do here. I'm thinking about just moving back home tomorrow, because he proved to me last night that nothing will change. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tarawr +, writes (1 August 2011):
Tarawr is verified as being by the original poster of the question I finally dumped him on May 31st, and I'm with a great guy who has been wanting to get with me for a long time. We're going through a little bit of a tough time, but it's just the situation we're in.
And he shares my view on the "owning" thing, so that's great. I feel that a lot of you misinterpreted my meaning. I don't mean it as possessive and like I actually own them. There's nothing creepy or dominating about what I mean.
He said, "I belong to you completely, I'm all yours" and such.
Anyway, things are going much better for me. I haven't directly said a word to my ex since the breakup, and I finally feel free.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (11 January 2011):
 Well I did 18years with a man, and had no problem with him buying a woman a drink or even dancing with her. I don't do possessiveness or jealousy.
Yes your boyfriend has issues if he needs to drop his pants in public all the time, and that would probably irritate me. But the idea that someone owns me, or I own them, would irritate. me even more.
The people around you however have put it into perspective and are treating like a joke rather than the big crime your making it out to be. Your boyfriend is not right for you, he is silly and likes to play, you want to settle down, get married and put a stop to all of that. You want different things out of life.
I'm assuming your boyfriend is as young as you. He's acting his age, and is irresponsible. Maybe you should date someone older. He's not done anything wrong. I think your overacting, but I don't think this guy is right for you. Find somebody else.
When your both old and grey, he will look back and laugh at all the silly things he did. You will look back and still be angry that somebody decided to think different from you. Your relationship won't last, you will destroy the things that make up him and he will continue to make you angry.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tarawr +, writes (11 January 2011):
Tarawr is verified as being by the original poster of the questionChigirl, I'm assuming that you're not currently in a relationship, or have never been in a very strong one. Anyway, you said that exposing himself isn't cheating. I suppose this is true.
But neither is buying a woman a drink at a bar. No sexual contact happened. It's HIS money, so he should be able to do as he wishes, right?
Just imagine being with someone for a long time and really caring about them, and then you find out somehow that he was buying women drinks.
Would you think nothing of it? Would you be as lax about my situation if something like that were happening to you?
...............................
A
female
reader, cat lady +, writes (9 January 2011):
 Tarawr! I could translate that in Welsh to hitter, striker, or something that causes an emergency. Write it like this: tarawreg (for a girl) and go give him a smack on the butt when he does it again! Better you do that than to get a whining phone call from the county jail one night because the idiot got arrested. (don't go bail him out if that happens)
No occupation and a bad military record? uh oh! Get clear of this, girlie, I mean it. You can do much better. There are lots of good guys for you about but you can't see them when you're mixed up with this loser. If you want to be a social worker, that's just fine, but there's no reason to be sleeping with your patients.
As to owning each other's bodies, well, you don't. It sounds 'romantic' but you wouldn't think so if a boyfriend thought he 'owned' you and started treating you like chattel. That however, doesn't mean you don't have a right to expect decent public behavior. Set your standards of conduct how you see fit and you'll find people who can meet them with little difficulty.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 January 2011):
Wow...
mmmm... Leave him.. You've told him your values, you've made your commands, this solider isn't used to obeying and he does what he wants.
Leave him, you've put up with the crap for too long.. go find another solider who can understand who is in charge.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 January 2011):
 There are different views on what is a good relationship. In your case you want to own his body. In many relationships it's about respect for each other and not about owning the other. Sex and intimacy is given as a privilege in those relationships, and not taken as something you have a right to claim.
It all depends on how you want to view relationships. He wasn't cheating by taking his clothes off. If it was a smart move? No. But it wasn't cheating. He wasn't being disloyal in that sense.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tarawr +, writes (9 January 2011):
Tarawr is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, he was drunk, but he was adult enough to say that he wasn't going to blame being drunk on his behavior.
And he doesn't have an occupation. He used to be in the military, but went AWOL for a few reasons.
And to that person that said "What he does with his body is his business and not yours. If it goes against your 'values' then you need to leave, change them or get a sense of humour." His body IS my body. His body belongs to me, and my body belongs to his. That's a major agreement when you're in an exclusive relationship. That means that he's the only one allowed to enjoy my body and vice versa. It's called being LOYAL.
But I guess you don't know anything about relationships.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2011): tell your boyfriend to grow up
...............................
A
male
reader, Problem.helper +, writes (2 January 2011):
 Well I would talk to him about it. Not just after he does something like that but I would just sit him down and tell him that it's making you very uncomfortable. Tell him that this is a deal breaker and if he wants to be with you than he needs to stop this kind of a behavior. Aks questions like: Why does he got the need to do that? Just talk it over. I know u must of been very upset because he lied to you and did that kind of behavior again ,but calling him names will not solve it. He got two choises if he wants to be with you 1. Stop doing that 2. Therapy. If he thinks he can control himself , let him do that , but if he will do it another time after this kinda talk you need to break up with him.The thing I need to know is he drunk when he doing it or sober? If sober it's going to be much harder for him to stop exposing him self.Good luck to you both.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2011): What he does with his body is his business and not yours.
If it goes against your 'values' then you need to leave, change them or get a sense of humour.
...............................
A
female
reader, Fabulosa +, writes (1 January 2011):
 That's not healthy. I wouldn't put up with that. It sounds like he may have some serious issues.... Did he ever say why he does this? Does he have other odd sexual behaviors? Does he have a huge penis? What's the deal? He prob needs to seek help before he gets into huge trouble.
...............................
A
female
reader, cat lady +, writes (1 January 2011):
How old is your boyfriend? Is he perhaps, a professional athlete, a law enforcement officer, a fireman, still enrolled in military school or in active service with the military? This kind of prank is common in all the above, trust me. It's guys dormitory behavior and in its place, harmless. However, if you're serious here, what your boyfriend is doing shows he might have 'issues' related to exhibitionism and he should arrange for counseling before he gets arrested. You've been living with this guy outside of marriage for 3 years? Why? He's not simply a friend and a roommate, I take it, since you didn't say so. Surely by now you know there is no future in this relationship, that a guy wagging his weanie at parties is not marriage material? Thinking about moving back home? Don't just think about it, girl! Get going!Forgive my levity, but this post brings forcefully to mind a little joke my father told me about 30 years ago. There was a guy who always went to the same bar to drink and about half the times he was in there, he'd jump up on the bar and 'expose himself' to everyone. He just couldn't help himself. So, on the strong encouragement of the bar patrons, he found a therapist. Six months later, he's back in the bar saying he's cured. And about that many drinks down and he was up on the bar again with his antics! The barman scolded, "I thought you were already cured from that sickness!" Says the patient, "I AM cured! I'm not ashamed anymore!"
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (1 January 2011):
This is how he is and what he likes to do. You either accept that as a part of him and stop trying to control him to fit into your standards, or you find someone who's already good enough for your standards. Plain and simple. If you're tired of this behaviour then moving on is the only thing you can do.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2011): Um if my girlfriend did that id probly never talk to her again, I would never put up that, completly out of line, period
...............................
|
