| A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I'm a women in her late 40's and my boyfriend of 5 years is in his mid 50's. Both of us have been married 2x's and we both have children in teen's and early 20's. I own my home and he lives in a family member's extra home in a different city. He stays with me during the week since his job is in my city. I'm looking for some advice...a few years ago in a fight, I told my BF to leave my house. I apologized when we made up of course and I've never thrown him out again. But because of this incident...he is insisting that when my children move out, that I sell my house because he says he can't live in it since I threw him out once. He doesn't want the money from the house...he even says I can turn around and buy another house for myself, he just doesn't want to be in this house. This house means the world to me. I purchased it after my second marriage...my second husband was abusive and basically took me for everything I had. When I fled from him I had $200 to my name and had to move myself and my kids in with my parents. Within 2 years of that I rebuilt my life, reestablished my business and managed to buy a home for me and my kids. The house represents to me a turning point in my life. It was the first thing that I did by myself with no ones help. I love my house. He tells me that I'm hanging onto the past with this house. That I'm not over my last marriage. I've been divorced for 7 years from my second husband and believe me am completely over that!I love my BF very much. We have no intention of getting married though...I don't see the point in it at our age, but I do consider him to be the man I will be with for the rest of my life. This issue with the house has come up now several times for the last year. I don't know what to do...Help!
View related questions:
divorce, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2016): HiThanks so much for following up. What you say about the fact that there were so many arguments, that you don't remember what the argument was about that caused you to throw him out, sounds very familiar to me. I am the anon reply that asked you.I used to say 'we argue a lot' when I was with my last abusive boyfriend. I used to think it strange that we did, because I'm not argumentative and I have had harmonious relationships. I then realised that we didn't in fact argue. He started fight after fight after fight. When I realised that it was pointless to react or argue back, I started to remain silent or just walk away. He didn't like that and ramped it up and up until I couldn't take any more and then when I finally reacted, I was the worst person in the world for speaking to him that way etc etc. Sound familiar? I also found it difficult to remember what arguments were about. People would ask me and I was forever saying 'I can't remember'. After a shock it's very hard if not impossible, to remember what happened previously. And the abuse is a shock.My abusive ex also made me very happy to begin with and at times during the relationship too. Abusive partners find out what it is you want and need and give it to you in spades. I had never loved someone so much, had so much passion, fun, affection with anybody. He, too, like your partner, could and did turn on a dime when you least expected it. It seemed to happen in my relationship when I was at my happiest and most relaxed. For no reason whatsoever! Or so it would appear to you and me. It is very sobering to realise that every single aspect of an abusive relationship is calculated by the abusive partner. Even the nice part. That too is part of the abuse. So that you are hooked on them, will stay etc etc . When they think it's time for you to get some abuse, that's when they dish it out. That's what's so confusing for normal people in one of these relationships to understand, because we would never believe that such cold, callous behaviour is aimed at us by the very person who is supposed to love us and ON PURPOSE. Make no mistake, this man does not have your best interests at heart, in fact he wants to bring about what is best for him and he DOES NOT CARE at what cost to you. I would advise you VERY strongly to get away from him. The thought that you might buy a house with him, worries the hell out of me. I know it's your life and decision, but please don't put yourself where you were before.I'm very happy you're going to read the book. It will open your eyes and I hope make you realise that this man is a wolf in sheep's clothing. He is not what he appears to be. One more word of caution. If you decide to get counselling for you to determine why you keep making the same mistake, find a therapist who is affiliated with Refuge. Someone who actually, REALLY understands the abusive man and what he's capable of. An ordinary counsellor who has listed in their areas of expertise 'emotional abuse' or 'abuse' have not been trained or have experience or understanding of abuse. I spent two minutes with one and that's all it took for me to realise that she didn't know what she was talking about and didn't understand what I was talking about. On Freedom programme websites (for women such as yourself who has suffered abuse and had to escape to freedom)they talk of the importance of speaking to a counsellor who is affiliated to Refuge or the Freedom Programme. Best of luck to you. I really hope you choose to be happy :-) x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2016): I think you fall into this trap because you have poor emotional boundaries. You have logic but the boundaries element is missing. There are some great books out there on boundaries and on finding 'safe' people (sounds dramatic but it isn't) and I would really encourage you to look into that.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2016): The house represents a turning point for you! You love your house ! Your words! These are really powerful statements. You sound like an incredibly resilient woman - I am in so much admiration that you turned a really quite desperate situation into one of success and independence so please do not throw that away. I think this guy is threatened by your abilities and your strength. Any man who wants to change you and make you 'weak' again - emotionally, financially etc - is NOT a man you need or want in your life. A decent man will not try to make you do something you are clearly (and quite rightly) unwilling to do. You don't answer to him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 August 2016):
 Good for you OP!
Glad you came to the same conclusion on your own.
My dad and his lady-friend do NOT live together, they spend 4-5 days of the week together at either house, and then a couple of days solo. I think that is how they both like it.
Though my dad have sold the family vacation house recently, which I'm a little miffed over... as it been in the family for a long time. But I get that he doesn't want to do maintenance on two houses. He is also considering selling the "family home" and get a small apartment closer to his GF. Which again, I can understand. You got to do what works for you.
You got to listen to your instincts, they are usually right.
Good luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo X...your response rings true for me I believe. I fear that I have indeed walked into another abusive relationship. I will certainly read the book you recommend. I don't remember what that argument was about..there were many before that and many after...He has in my opinion unrealistic expectations of our relationship. In the last year he has started to try to control aspects of my life like how I do business or what I wear...even how I discipline my children. A large part of me feels completely accepted by him and completely happy...but then he turns on a dime and suddenly he attacks for no apparent reason over things that I can't even relate to. It leaves me dumbfounded!The most frustrating thing for me is that after I escaped my last relationship (and I mean literally escaped) I spent almost 2 years in therapy trying to understand how I fell into that trap of being with an abusive man. I was a strong independent woman with a 6 figure income..wasn't looking for a man, perfectly happy, then fell in love with a con man! have I done the same thing again? why am I making the same mistakes
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (28 August 2016):
 I am happy to read your followup, I would have expected him to be more understanding about you owning your home after your previous experience, and not to be accusing you of hanging on to the past, when what you are doing is learning from past mistakes and not repeating them.
You have offered him a very decent compromise of buying a new place together while you rent out your current home.
If he can't accept it then follow through, and tell him to move on.
Stay strong!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone for your thoughts and advice!!! Pretty much everything I've read has been flittering around in my mind already...sometimes you just need to hear it from other people. I do want to share my home with him, he's welcome as well as his children. He did find a job in my town in order to spend more time with me...so he has made some sacrifices that I appreciate. To answer one of the questions...I did suggest that if we reached a point in our relationship where we wanted to make our living arrangements more permanent that we might purchase a home together and I would just keep this one as a rental...he was still adamant that I sell...go figure! My second husband pressured me into selling my home after we got married because he didn't want to live in a house that I purchased with my first husband. It was a decision I regret to this day. In fact I consider it to be the second biggest mistake of my life...the first was marrying my second husband! LOL That marriage lasted 18 months and I lost all the equity in my home and had nothing to show for it. I actually don't mind the current arrangements of him going to his home every weekend. I like my solitude on the weekends and enjoy just being alone or hanging with my kids.So no...I will not sell my house...he's just going to have to accept it or move on!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2016): All the bells and whistles are ringing loud and clear and the red flags are fluttering.Rid yourself of this loser and do it now.It reminds me of a relative by marriage who's ''bad luck'' with money is really the result of his serious gambling problem. He'd married a very capable and woman who made good money throughout the marriage, as did he. Yet by the time they divorced their home had a hefty mortgage and they barely scraped out much equity when the home was soldThen he took up with another woman and this time he came to that relationship with his 50 percent proceeds of the house above after the mortgage was paid out. His new wife brought more four times his contribution and they bought a home in joint names.Since then they've downsized three times.She continues to earn good money and now they no longer own a home, but instead they now rent a small apartment together.I feel sad for his partner. She once owned her own home. Now she has no equity in any real estate. But he can always find the money to gamble.And if he meets a new woman in a betterfinancial position I have no doubt that he will find a way to woo her until she becomes wife number three.Run from this man.Never give up your hard won equity in your home.There are better men out there who are not controlling losers like the insecure man who is no doubt trying to charm you.This will end in tears, with you poorer.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 August 2016):
What in the World?
That is the most MESSED up thing I have read today! Why on Earth should he even HAVE a say whether you sell your house or not?
I'[m pretty sure you KICKED him out for a good reason back in the day and the HOUSE did nothing to him. If the HOUSE reminds him of his petty butt hurt fragile little ego - how come he can still date YOU?! You kicked him out!
I think he is so full of crap I don't even know where to start with this.
My advice? Tell him no. THAT is your house.
He is being controlling and quite frankly ridiculous.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 August 2016):
 "... he just doesn't want to be in this house. This house means the world to me."
Which world would you prefer to live in? ...the one which YOU have developed? .... or, the one that HE has insisted that you inhabit? (.... and which HE controls)?
This sounds like a no-brainer to me. Get away from this controlling character.... (There are lots of NICE - and not controlling - guys "out there!!!)
Good luck....
...............................
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (27 August 2016):
 Red flag. Red flag. Red flag. Don't let him manipulate you into giving up something that you love and cherish. You'll end up living with regret afterwards. Tell him that the answer is No.
...............................
A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (27 August 2016):
For sure, he is being VERY controlling and manipulative. The fact that your house is a large part of your psychological foundation suggests that it is more about having control of you. I can't imagine somebody wanting you to sell your house just because you once threw him out. Also, you make it sound like he is giving you permission to buy another house. You need to take some control here.
So he goes back to his place on weekends? I trust he is not paying you rent during his weekday stays. It sounds part of his reason for being with you is that you provide him with extended-stay housing at no cost while he retires to his own place on weekends.
Personally, I think he should be reminded that you threw him out once and that it can (and should) happen again.
Has he offered to compensate you the costs of selling the house and moving? Not to mention the task of finding a new house and possibly an interim place to stay. The whole cost could easily be 8% to 10% of whatever price your home would sell for. And when buying a new house you are at risk of unforeseen problems, either with the property itself or with bad neighbors.
On top of all this selfishness on his part, it even gets worse when he knows that your house means so much to you. One of the great things about our homes is that they do allow us to hang on to the past and remember (as you mention) the good times.
You say that your "second husband was abusive and basically took me for everything I had." It appears that you've gotten into the same kind of relationship as you had before.
It sounds like it is time to move on...from your boyfriend, not your house.
...............................
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (27 August 2016):
 For his age that's extremely childish and I can't believe he's even making an issue out of it.
Tell him to stop being so stupid and you won't even consider selling something that you're so proud of earning yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2016): Hi
No this doesn't make sense does it?
Are you planning on living together when the children leave home? If you are both planning to live in your house and he feels that because it's your house and when he moves in, he thinks you could throw him out again I could just about understand him. If he was therefore suggesting that you buy another house TOGETHER, he would then feel more equal etc. But he isn't is he? He says he is giving you permission (and as WhenCowsAttack says, that rings alarm bells) to buy another house on your own or just with your money, so the boundaries and dynamics within your relationship wouldn't have changed, so I don't understand his thinking here, unless it's skewed and he ain't a good guy.
I have been in three abusive relationships before I understood what was happening, which shows that we can, and often are, attracted to the same type of man and there is a possibility that he is the same as your previous partner.
I would love to have a bit of extra information which may shed light on his character, if you are willing to give it?
You sound like a lovely, reasonable lady. So what did he do that made you throw him out? This episode, would have to have been rather bad, I would imagine, for you to throw him out. And you ended up apologising to HIM?
He is also telling you things about yourself that aren't true, i.e. that you aren't over your marriage. This is an abusive tactic. You very emphatically state that that's not true and I believe you, but because you state it so emphatically to us, I can imagine that you have become used to having to state it emphatically to him again and again. He's not talking to you in a rational, logical manner (or in a loving way either) and to be honest I feel worried for you.
After what you've already been through, I implore you to look long and hard at his behaviour. He has you running in circles of confusion and angst, defending yourself and feeling the need to come and ask for help.
Abusive men use different tactics as I'm sure you're aware. So if you're thinking 'Oh no, my present partner doesn't behave like my previous abusive one', then please think again. They can also wait for years before showing their true colours. Please read 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. I read a lot about abuse after I realised what was happening to me and this is the best book on the subject in my opinion. It was only after reading this book that I realised why I had been so unhappy and confused in two of my other relationships. It has taught me a lot about abuse and I hear it in your post. So sorry and I hope I'm wrong, but I really don't think I am.
If you can, please come back and tell me as much as you feel you can about the incident that caused you to throw him out. I know about the tactics that abusive men use and knowing what happened might mean I could shed more light for you. And PLEASE read the book I suggested.
Don't sell your house either and as you state that this subject about the house has come up many times this year, it's plain that he's putting you under pressure he should not be putting you under.
If you get back with more info I will try my hardest to help you. I know what it's like. x
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 August 2016):
 I don't see any logic in what he says. He can't live in a house where you threw him out from ?... but he DOES: 5 days a week , and 2 days only in a borrowed place. So, he's got a pride... 2 days a week ?
Also, if you bought a new house... what in the world would prevent you from throwing him out also fom your new house, if you were so inclined to do that ?? If his problem his that yours is / was a volatile relationship , and he cannot trust you NOT to kick him out if he just happens to displease you, maybe I could see his point, but you would have to work on communication, mutual trust and committment, not on changing address !
P. S: what in the world does it mean " he does not want money from the house " ???
Why should he want it ? How could he want it ?
The house belongs to you, you two are not married, and you have children to think of ( and to inherit your properties ) before you can play fairy godmother and sprinkle with gold dust a financially weak boyfriend.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2016): I think he's thinking of the future and by that i think he's seeing you as an investment for the future!If you keep your house it will always be a family home with him having less power to curtail comings and goings of familymembers.It is correct to tell someone to leave your house when they have overstepped boundaries of respect and that leaves themwith no further power to disrupt you!If you overcome that kind of thing it doesnt give anyone the authority to say that you must sell your home!Some people like to try to break others boundaries down so that they can rewire you to their liking!So the person with no home has demanded you get rid of your own home?I suspect his relatives have given him six months to leave and he has said he's working on it and will be buying his own home witb you before that!If he has a birthday coming up i suggest you consider buying him a tent so that he finally has a home of his own and he canstop annexing yours!
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (27 August 2016):
 Hah! Really?? Tell me, is his ego worth the costs it takes to sell one house, buy another house, pay closing costs and a realtor if you use one, refurnish or refurbish the new house, and pay moving costs??
This fight was a few years ago. And he is NOT your husband. I'm in the minority here, but I'm in the camp of NEVER putting myself at financial risk for anyone who isn't my husband, with the signed papers creating one legal entity so that if there is buying and selling of assets, having of children, or joint credit cards, bank accounts, joint investments (though, it's always funny how you always hear of the acquisition of joint debt, yet not joint investment in a relationship that's not a marriage), and I'm of the SUPERMINORITY that won't even live with a guy before marriage, though I don't judge anyone that does. I simply don't want to sign a lease or joint mortgage. Above all, I don't lend or give money to someone who isn't my spouse. Ever.
Do you even know what his credit situation is?? Divorce can ruin a credit rating as you well know. The fact that he's staying with you and living in someone else's house tells me that his hasn't recovered. That's even more evident in his stupid suggestion.
It also talks about his wanting a power hold in the relationship, and his reaction to you holding that power. You rattled him when you threw him out, and now he wants his own power. He's trying to wield it on you with this stupid ultimatum. He's in his 50's and pulling this?
Sorry, I know you love the guy, but I'm guessing he's the main reason his marriages ended. You can't have an effective partnership and act like this.
You are young still! It doesn't feel that way, but it is, and you can do a lot better than staying in this rut with this guy for 5 more years. Seriously...this guy is no good.
...............................
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (27 August 2016):
Whoah. This is not ok. He's gaslighting you. This is not about the house. It's about revenge and control. He still holds a grudge over the time you threw him out, and he wants to punish you for it.
He says you can't live in your home? He will "allow" you to buy another home? Slow down, reread your own post. This is not OK.
Personally I'd leave him, this behavior is very devious and underhanded.
...............................
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (27 August 2016):
Tell him to grow up and stop being so silly. It’s a house. It’s the house you want to live in. It’s a house in which you started to make better memories after a horrible time and where you want to continue making happier memories for the future with him. Explain that to him. Explain that you want to share the place you call home with him. If he understands it in those terms it would be unreasonable to push this issue. What concerns me more is that he says you’re not over your marriage. Why does he say that? Has he got trust issues? Is this a form of controlling behaviour, designed to push you in to doing what he wants over this house? I’m afraid some alarm bells are ringing for me here.
I wish you all the very best.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2016): Could you rent out the house and then use the income to buy a new house with your partner? Does your partner own his own home too? If so is he planning to sell his place as well?
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (27 August 2016):
Your boyfriend is being irrational... what's the difference between staying at your house during the week while your children sill live there and staying at your house during the week when they don't?
Having experienced a bad marriage and raising kids as a single parent I understand what the house might represent to you ... a HUGE achievement AFTER your marriage.
Are you hoping you and your boyfriend can live together once the children have all flown the nest? Does this mean It basically sounds like he lives there already, even if he does spend the weekends in a different city... why is this?
Are you sure you want to change the current arrangement, what will be the benefits for you?
...............................
|
