A
female
age
30-35,
*aina
writes:Last night my boyfriend and I were leaving a friends house and we got into an argument. After I got out of his truck he followed me and wanted to keep talking but I told him I was tired. He grabbed my arm, yanked me towards him and pushed my face to the side. Then he pushed me down. I don't know if that's considered "hitting", but my neck still hurts from when he pushed my face and my arm has a huge bruise. This has never happened before, the worst he has ever done is call me names. He called me tons of times last night trying to apologize but I just kept hanging up. He's still texting/calling. What should I do? This has only happened once and we've been together for almost a year now, I really care for him. What if it was an honest mistake? I just need opinions.
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female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (22 August 2010):
I just wanted to say one last thing to you! when we are inlove w/ someone we always make excuses for why they did this to us why they did that so we can allow ourselve's to remain in the relationship!! and that is called denighal.
honey, if he raises his hand to you are mentally one more time you better know that is one big red flag for you to run for the hills and that i will promise you is what you need to do before you are to far into your relationship! because it is harder to get out of?
Good Luck!
A
female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (21 August 2010):
Hopefully if he hits you the 2nd time? that you do take our advice! seriously and there wont be a third time. honey, love should not have to hurt don't you understand that? no'one should ever put their hands on you and you should never allow anyone to put their hands on you. we have a choice in our life! to say no and no more.
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (20 August 2010):
I know you love him! but love isn't suppose to hurt. and you say he's only done it once and also he called you some horrible names if you wer'e smart you would leave he is going to do it again. if he had no problem or feelings doing it the first time its' because he does not care and that is the truth. im sorry he did that to you is he?
actions speaks louder then words!
Open Your Eyes!!
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (20 August 2010):
 What I'm about to say is going to sound harsh. I sincerely hope that you will read it and take it to heart. I'm going to start by analyzing your response here.
"Thank you everyone for answering. You all had great advice that i should have listened to. But I'm sad to say i ended up letting him get his side of the story out and i ended up telling him I'd give him another chance."
The old addage goes that forgiveness is divine, and it is alright to forgive him for his actions, it really is, but putting yourself back into harms way is not the way to do it. He is manipulating you. Don't for one second think he won't do it again. It has slowly gotten worse throughout your relationship, and will continue to do so until he's arrested for abuse or murder. He WILL kill you eventually if you stay with him. I work with PAVE. I don't know if you're familiar with this, but it stands for Promoting Awareness/ Victim Empowerment. We help women like you all the time escape from people just like him. Please seek help, it is out there for you.
"He really sounded apologetic about what he did and i believed him. But just last night he got really upset with me again. This time he actually hit me. He had his phone in his hand when he hit my face and it made my lip bleed. My whole top lip is swollen and i was barely able to think of something to tell my dad."
Please tell your dad the truth. Any lie you tell will be seen through anyway. A big handprint on your arm will be a dead give away. Your dad has also likely witnessed his verbal abuses. He'll know right away what happened to you.
"I'm so scared and shocked, i never thought he'd take it this far to be honest. Right after he did it he dropped his phone and immediately started apologizing."
Of course he did. He probably does this most of the time he abuses you. That's evidenced by your next statement.
"He told me i just drive him crazy sometimes and i need to watch what i say and how i say it."
This is the number one thing that abusers tell their victims. It is their way of transferring the blame. He's also brainwashed you will all of his verbal abuse to believe that you are worthless. This isn't the case. You didn't make him hit you. He hit you because he's a violent criminal who belongs behind bars. Please go to the police and put him where he belongs. The only time it's your fault for getting hit is when you pick a fight and throw the first punch. That's not the case. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Please repeat that to yourself. I beg you before you end up dead by this asshole.
"I feel like this is my fault because it's like i always say the wrong things."
You don't say the wrong things. You may say some things that he doesn't like and he tells you that they are wrong. Just because he doesn't like something doesn't make him right and you wrong. You've done nothing wrong. Absolutely nothing. Repeat after me, "I've done nothing wrong and I don't ever deserve to be treated this way."
"My lip and cheek hurt and the swelling is getting worse. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm too scared to do anything."
Please go to the doctor, or preferably the police. What he's done is enough to put him behind bars as long as you press charges. If I knew who you were in real life, I'd call them right now. Ask your dad for help. He wants to protect you. This guy will kill you, get away from him.
"Cerberus- I regret not taking your advice and admitting to myself the truth. You are completely right, that's exactly what i came on here for. I wanted reassurance. And now here i am with a swollen face and all i can do is blame myself for it. I'm stupid.
My boyfriend has always told me that and obviously it's true."
You're not stupid. He is not right. The only stupid thing I see you doing is staying with him and believing all the bullshit that he's feeding you. Even that isn't really stupid because you're scared. He is using the power he's built over you through this year of abuse to his advantage. Nobody deserves to be treated this way, NOBODY!
"As much as he yells at me and calls me names, i can't help but think it's all true. Maybe he is what i deserve, maybe i should stay with him because apparently he gets me, he knows me. He knows the truth about who i am. I'm just so ashamed."
No. No No no no no. A million times NO. It is not all true. He doesn't deserve you, and you deserve WAY BETTER THAN HIM! He doesn't get you. He doesn't want to. He wants to mold you into the submissive girl you've become who will do what he says. If you get out of line he'll beat you, berate you, or both. Then he'll convince you it was your fault. This is how it works for abusers. Please don't be a statistic. He doesn't know some deep truth about who you are, he just knows he is capable of intimidating you with words, violence and fear.
_________________________________
I'm not kidding when I said if I could call the cops about this I would. Please break the cycle. You can go to PAVE's website at www.pavingtheway.net. Their help line is 877-399-1346. Please call it. If they don't have resources in your area, I'm sure they can still help.
You need to stop listening to him. You know this. I can tell by what you wrote initially and your follow up. You don't have to go it alone. Enlist your family, friends, the police, anyone other than this evil man who is slowly killing you and stealing your precious life. I've had friends who were abused. They all felt the same way you do now. It was their fault. They couldn't leave. He needed her. He really loved her but she just drove him crazy sometimes. Luckily they got out of it, just like you can.
I really hope you read this. I really hope you get help. I really hope you leave this man. You do not deserve to be treated this way. Nobody deserves to be treated that way.
I apologize for the great length of this reply. I hope you made it to the end.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010): Listen OP, you have nothing to feel ashamed about at all. You're not stupid either so get that our of your head.
You wanna know how I knew you were here looking for reassurance? Because that's how it works, love. Just because we do really stupid things when we're in love doesn't make us stupid. You're not the first person in the world to fall for the mean/sweet cycle, it's like a drug. Right after an abuser hits you, they're the nicest person in the world, the person you wished they were all the time, that's how people get trapped.
Now I will tell you this, if you don't learn your lesson this time and get the hell away from him, then I'm afraid you'll have a right to think yourself stupid.
He's a fucking asshole okay? The guys is a grade A abusive fucking loser and instead of feeling sorry for yourself or blaming yourself like he wants you to, it's time to get fucking angry! Do you understand? Just like I am now.
Don't feel bad for giving him another chance, that's what your heart wanted, it wanted to believe that it was a mistake what he did, that it was one off and everything would be okay. That's not stupid and it's not your fault. You're a good person for that and don't let that prick tell you otherwise. Seriously, he's trying to make you feel this way so he can keep abusing you.
Please read the article on the link I gave you in my last post. It explains things better than I ever could.
Listen to me carefully, and please this time forget all these crazy emotions you're feeling and just think with your head. The first thing you have to do is tell a family member what he has done to you, if you think your father might explode and do something illegal then tell an uncle or an aunt or your mom, you need some real life support here if you're going to get away from him and stay away from him. Someone you can call when he tries to contact you.
As long as take active steps right this minute to get him out of your life then you have nothing to feel ashamed of, in fact shame is what he wants you to feel, that's part of his control over you.
Oh and by the way the whole "only he can love me" thing is another one of the abusers control methods.
Please read the article and remember, every single little bit of this is his fault and only his fault. No matter what a woman says of does a man just cannot hit her.
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A
female
reader, Laina +, writes (19 August 2010):
Laina is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for answering. You all had great advice that i should have listened to. But I'm sad to say i ended up letting him get his side of the story out and i ended up telling him I'd give him another chance. He really sounded apologetic about what he did and i believed him. But just last night he got really upset with me again. This time he actually hit me. He had his phone in his hand when he hit my face and it made my lip bleed. My whole top lip is swollen and i was barely able to think of something to tell my dad. I'm so scared and shocked, i never thought he'd take it this far to be honest. Right after he did it he dropped his phone and immediately started apologizing. He told me i just drive him crazy sometimes and i need to watch what i say and how i say it. I feel like this is my fault because it's like i always say the wrong things. My lip and cheek hurt and the swelling is getting worse. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm too scared to do anything.
Cerberus- I regret not taking your advice and admitting to myself the truth. You are completely right, that's exactly what i came on here for. I wanted reassurance. And now here i am with a swollen face and all i can do is blame myself for it. I'm stupid.
My boyfriend has always told me that and obviously it's true. As much as he yells at me and calls me names, i can't help but think it's all true. Maybe he is what i deserve, maybe i should stay with him because apparently he gets me, he knows me. He knows the truth about who i am. I'm just so ashamed
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010): get out while you can.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2010): Nope it was not a mistake. Abuse doesn't have to involve hitting anytime someone puts their hands on someone else is an aggressive way is abuse. And name calling is a tell tale sign that he's immature and can very well escalate to full on hitting you. Get out now, you shouldn't stay with anyone who shows these signs. These are the red flags girls need to watch for. He has no right to EVER put his hands on anyone, no matter how angry, drunk, high, or whatever else he's going to use as an excuse. He's calling and apologizing because he knows he was wrong and wants to maintain control and keep you.
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A
female
reader, confusoholic  +, writes (14 August 2010):
 Abuse is abuse - physical or emotional. If i were in your shoes - i would leave. Any guy who lifts a hand on his girl isn't worth it....believe me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2010): You don't want opinions, you want reassurance that everything will be okay but it's not. You know what you would definitely tell any one of your girlfriends if they were in the same situation. You know this, you know you have to leave, you know there's no such thing as an honest mistake when it comes to violence."oops I stabbed him to death" "ah sure, it's grand, it was an honest mistake""This has never happened before, the worst he has ever done is call me names." Oh I suppose that's alright then, he must be a good guy if all he's ever done is verbally and mentally abuse you. Please don't offence by this OP but I don't think you came here for advice because you already know what you should do and I suspect you'll just ignore your better judgement and take him back because you'd rather a punch in the face than go through the pain of losing him (I hope I'm wrong). I think you came here looking for someone to rationalize what he did, to say it was a mistake that won't happen again, to tell you there is a way that you can live happy ever after with this guy or that you wouldn't be a complete idiot to take him back again. But we can't because none of that is true, you know this. There is no comebacks from violence OP, none! if he does it once and you take him back he will, definitely do it again because he's an emotionally retarded abusive loser.http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html Sound familiar?You've been together a year now, the honeymoon is over. This is the real him, don't hang around to see how much worse it will get. Because a life with him is going to be filled with this kind of abuse.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (14 August 2010):
 You should get out now. There were so many red flags for violent abuser in there. He left a bruise, he became physically violent when angry because you wouldn't do what he wanted, he calls you names, he also tried to control you physically. You need to get yourself out before he really goes too far. This is not an "honest mistake." There are people out there who get angry easily. Then there are people out there who get angry and beat their wives and girlfriends. Your boyfriend falls into the latter. Please get yourself out before this becomes dangerous.
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