A
female
age
36-40,
* gal
writes:I met my bf 2 yrs ago. I am 24 and he is 28. We love each other so much but the problem is my past. I had another bf in my past before I met him. I loved that guy too(but not as much as this one) but he just cheated me. I didn't want to have sex until marriage but he said we are going to marry so what's the big deal even if it before or after. So I had my fist sex with him and he said it was his first too. But he left me after about 4 months saying that he is in love with another girl. I was just crying n crying couldn't help myself thinking about suicide but at that time I met this boy. He was so nice to me. We became good friends. And he proposed me. I was afraid of my past so I didn't know how he would react about it. He asked if I was virgin or not. I said the truth. He cried a lot at that time coz he was still virgin and I was his first love.But still he accepted me and told me he loves me who I am.After few weeks it started to change. He got really disturbed with my past and started to picture it asking how big was his ****, what positions you did, how many times, which place, did you suck?...It was really difficult questions but I answered it honestly. After that he began to abuse me verbally calling me slut, whore, bitch...I was so hurt but I could understand the pain he was feeling. I just tolerated.He is not always like that when he loves me he is very nice and so caring but when he gets angry he gets verbally abusive.He says he can't be with me but when I try to avoid him he just comes back and shows how much he loves.What should I do? I love him a lot but I can't even see him suffering like this. And I've lost my self respect after bearing his words.Help!!! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): Your boyfriend probably does love you or this would not hurt him so much. Men rarely get upset about the sexual past of a woman they are just having a casual fling with. These feelings usually start to come out when the man DOES feel a lot for the woman. Most women don't seem to understand how this issue works for men.But love or not, it does not change the situation for you now. Your boyfriend is still not treating you like a good partner should. You need to leave him even though I think he does love you.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (25 January 2012):
 He does not love you. A man who loves a woman does not call her names. He's abusing you.
Leave him.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 January 2012):
 I think we can get to the crux of your submittal if we just consider a couple of your phrases, and edit them accordingly. To wit:You wrote: "But still he accepted me and told me he loves me who I am." Adjust that to read: "... told me he loves me who I am.... but failed to tell me that he's only in it for the s*x."You wrote: "...He is not always like that when he loves me he is very nice and so caring...." Adjust that by changing: "... when he loves me..." to, "... when he is getting s*x from me...."You wrote: "...he just comes back and shows how much he loves...." Adjust that by changing: "...how much he loves..." to: ".... how much he likes s*x with me..."I think it will be self-evident, following those edits, what your situation really is....Good luck....
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 January 2012):
 Your self respect ?... You should have lost any respect , but for a prick like him. I am afraid your best choice is to leave him, I don't think the issue will go away, it will only get worse in time and he will make YOU miserable. Wait for someone that can accept you just as you are , including your sexual past.
Allow me to go a bit preachy, please. All you girls living in patriarchal , traditionally structured, male dominated societies . India and alas, many many others. You need to be aware, and you need to take responsibility.
In your cultures , there is still a big value put on virginity, and lack of sexual experience.
Other you decide you don't care , and that you'll do your own thing, what feels right to you, - but then you'll be prepared to know that tons of men won't be happy with your choices and your selection of intelligent, open minded partners will be limited. Or you go for social acceptance, and not rocking the boat, and following the rules- but then you DO follow the rules and don't lose your virginity carelessly , as you would lose an umbrella.
You can't have your cake and eat it too. Either you turn it into a socio/ political emancipation battle, - affirm your right to use your body as you want , but then you don't go about feeling bad for the "suffering " of someone like your current bf, or tryng to make him "forgive " you- in fact, you are prepared to give him a sharp, swift kick in his arse at the first sign of disapproval.
Or , you are not born a militant ( not everybody is ) but then you become much much more cautious and you don't fall in the trap of " sleep with me, THEN I'll marry you..some day ".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2012): he's so unstable. If he completely turned against you that's one thing, sad but easier in the long run to deal with both for you and him because it's clear cut it's over and you both move on. but instead he swings back and forth between utterly despising you and then seemingly wanting and loving you. this is the worst kind of relationship, and it's dangerous. it messes with your mind and keeps you forever off balance, that's why you have lost your self respect. you did nothing wrong, you have nothing to even apologize for yet you've lost your self respect and you worry about him suffering!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2012): I agree, you probably need to leave him.
His negative feelings are common for a guy in his situation. (Especially since he stayed a virgin himself.) But he is not handling his feelings in an acceptable way. You don't deserve to be treated like this since you were always honest with him.
If he cannot learn to handle his emotions and treat you respectfully pretty soon, then you need to break up. These kinds of problems usually get worse over time and not better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2012): "We love each other so much but the problem is my past. "No the problem is not your past. You did nothing wrong. The problem is him being so insecure that he can't handle your very normal past.my advice is for you to break up with him and find someone else because:1. he's shown he is capable of being verbally abusive toward you. My husband of 24 years has NEVER been verbally abusive toward me, or me to him, no matter how angry we may get during arguments. My parents have never been verbally abusive to each other. His parents have never been verbally abusive to each other. It's just something you don't do to someone you claim to love because abuse is the opposite of love. when he's abusive it means he's too wrapped up in his issues to see you as a real person. You don't want to be in a relationship with someone like this.Also, verbally abusive people tend to not change so if he's like this now, expect that he'll always be like this even if he marries you.2. Your past can't be changed, it can't be erased, it can't be undone. And furthermore you did nothing wrong, you have nothing to be ashamed for. So how this situation develops depends ENTIRELY on your bf and how he chooses to think about it. From what you've described so far, it doesn't sound good, I dont' see him ever being able to get over it. This is his problem, not yours until he started making it into your problem too by being verbally abusive. but there's nothing you can do to make him feel different and you can't change your past so this all depends on him and it doesn't look good.
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A
female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (25 January 2012):
 Leave him. As much as you love him, this is only going to get worse over time. He will always be kicking himself for why he couldn't have met you sooner (or something along those lines), and then he's going to always take that anger out on you.
If you don't want to leave him, I suggest you make him go to counselling.
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